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取消订阅的烦恼

The agony of trying to unsubscribe | James Veitch

有些搞笑的事情你会遗忘
It’s funny the things you forget.
前几天我去看我老妈她告诉了我一个
I went to see my mother the other day, and she told me this story
我已经完全忘了的故事
that I’d completely forgotten about
我们曾经一起开车出去 她要停车
how, when we were driving together, she would pull the car over,
当她从车里出来
and by the time she had gotten out of the car,
绕了一圈过来让我下车
and gone around the car to let me out of the car,
其实我那时已经下了车
I would have already gotten out of the car
躺在地上装死
and pretended to have died.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
这么赞的死法
Because that’s how you die.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
于是我记得 我以前常常和自己玩装死
And I remember, that was a game I used to play with myself
只要我无聊或者感到沮丧我就玩装死 来自娱自乐
to entertain myself whenever I was bored or frustrated.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
好让自己冷静点
Settle down.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
人们常说我们生活在信息膨胀的时代 对吧?
People say we live in an age of information overload. Right?
我不太清楚
I don’t know about that,
但是我清楚的是我收到过太多的推销邮件
but I just know that I get too many marketing emails.
我收到过来自 一个超市集团的营销邮件
I got a marketing email from a supermarket firm,
匿名的邮件
which will remain nameless
因为一些法律原因
for predominantly legal reasons,
但是我准备叫它“安全超市”
but which I’m going to call “SafeMart.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
我收到一封他们发的邮件 上面写着:
I got an email from them, and it went like this, it said:
“还有三周安全超市就要在国王十字路口开张啦!!!”
“Just three weeks until SafeMart at King’s Cross opens!!!”
我讨厌这种邮件
And I resented this,
因为不仅我记不得订阅过这样的消息
because not only do I not remember signing up to that,
而且我对于他们理所应当地认为我应该
but I resent the fact that they appear to think
对于新店开张感到无比兴奋这种事儿非常厌恶
that I should be excited about a shop opening.
于是我滑到邮箱的最底部
So what I did was I scrolled down to the bottom of the email,
点击“退订”
and I pressed, “Unsubscribe.”
我想这样应该就会清净了
And I thought that’d be the end of it.
但是一周后 我收到了另一封邮件写到
But a week later, I got another one that said,
“距离国王十字路口开张
“Just two weeks
只有两周啦!!!”
until SafeMart at King’s Cross opens!!!”
我想 应该是我上次没有退订成功
And I thought, obviously, I haven’t clicked hard enough.
然后我又退订了一次 这样应该好了吧?
So I tried it again. Right?
没想到 过了一周你猜怎么着
Lo and behold, a week passes, you guessed it,
“还有一周 安全超市 即将在国王十字路口开张啦!!!”
“Just one week until SafeMart at King’s Cross opens!!!”
这就有问题了:
And here’s the problem:
互联网让我们与世界相连
The internet gave us access to everything;
同时也让所有东西与我们相连
but it also gave everything access to us.
没有关于连锁超市
It’s hard enough to discriminate
和糖果传奇(一款手机游戏)的邮件
between the things that genuinely matter in this world
我们可能就会很难分辨
and the minutiae of life,
世界上真正重要的东西
without having emails about supermarket chains
和生活中的鸡毛蒜皮
and Candy Crush Saga.
我真的被它们搞烦了
And I was really annoyed with them,
于是我想 好吧我得写一封严厉谴责他们的邮件
and I thought, OK, I was about to write a strongly worded email,
我很擅长这种事儿
which I can do quite well.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
然后我仔细想想不——
And I thought, no —
我要陪它们玩下去
I’m going to find the game.
所以我回复了它 我写到
So I replied to it, and I said,
“我真是等不及了啊!!!”
“I literally cannot wait!!!!”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
“我可以为你们做些什么呢?”
“What do you need from me?”
一个叫 丹 的人给我回复了写道:
They got back to me; a guy called Dan said,
“詹姆斯 你好 我刚刚邀请了一名同事来处理你的请求”
“Hi James. I’ve asked a colleague to help me with your query.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
好像他才需要帮助吧
Like it needs help.
我说:“你们有什么打算呢 丹?
And I said, “What’s the plan, Dan?
我能想到的是开业的烟花充气的城堡……”
I’m thinking fireworks, bouncy castle …”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
丹:“我没搞懂你的意思”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
我说:“我太激动啦!你们要开业啦!”
I said, “I’m just tremendously excited about the opening!”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
“你打算订充气城堡 还是我来订?”
“Do you want to book the bouncy castle or shall I?”
他说:“我觉得你可能误会了”
He said, “I think you have misunderstood.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
“我们新店确实要开业了但是并没有开业典礼计划”
“A new store is opening, but there is no celebration planned.”
我说:“但是你们每周都有发 那些开业倒计时邮件啊?
I said, “But what was all the ‘Three weeks until,’ ‘Two weeks until’ emails?
让我都白激动了啊”
I was getting excited.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
Dan:“我对你的失望感到十分歉意”
“I’m sorry you’re disappointed.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
我说:“没事
I said, “Not to worry.
不管怎么样我们还是做点什么吧!
Let’s do something anyway!
再说充气城堡的订金已经不能退了
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy castle was non-refundable.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
如果我们不用它 我们就浪费了几百块呢 丹”
“If we don’t use it, we’re out a few hundred quid, Dan.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
他说:“威驰先生我对您所订购的东西没有任何责任”
He said, “Mr. Veitch, I’m not responsible for anything you have ordered.”
我说:“我们先别说谁做了什么
I said, “Let’s not get into who did what.
无可否认 我们现在已经在一条船上了
Bottom line: you and I are in this together.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
请问:你愿意一直在旁边看着 保证别人都把鞋子脱了吗?”
“Question: Will you be there to make sure people take their shoes off?”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
实话实说 那之后我跟丹的关系 在某种程度上就恶化了
I’ll be honest, then my relationship with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
因为我发现下一封邮件是这样写的:
because the next email I got was this:
“感谢您的邮件——您的处理编号是……”
“Thanks for your email – your Case Number is …”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
这真是让我哭笑不得
That’s outrageous.
我说:“丹 在吗?”
I said, “Dan?”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
然后我收到的还是…… 这……让我……
And I got — and I was just like, this is … — and I, I ….
我说:“丹哥 你在吗?!”
And I said, “Danny?”
我觉得 这太糟糕了 我一直在收到这些处理编号
And I thought, this is terrible. All I’m doing is collecting case numbers.
我说:“是电子狗吗?”
I said, “D-Dog?”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
“超市现在开张了 ——丹”
“The store is now open.”
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
我说:“但是 丹 大家都会想为什么没有充气城堡吧”
I said, “But Dan, they must have wondered why there was no bouncy castle.”
然后又变成了处理邮件
And then we were back to this.
故事应该在此就结束了
And that might have been the end of the story,
但是我突然发觉 任何事——每件事——
but I remembered that anything — everything —
甚至于一些日常小事儿 如下车只要掌握了正确的玩法
even something as mundane as getting out of a car,
都能变得有趣
can be fun if you find the right game.
所以
So,
我就回复到:
this is what I replied:
[感谢您的邮件—— 您的处理编号是#0000001]
[Thanks for your email – your Case Number is #0000001.]
(笑)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
然后我们就……
And we just, uh …
(笑)
(Laughter)
这就像我们在翩翩起舞
It was like we were dancing.
就像我们是完美的关系
It was just a beautiful relationship.
我们就这样进行下去
We just kept going.
太和谐了
It was lovely.
但是老实说伙计们 这挺费功夫的
But to be honest, guys, it was quite labor-intensive,
我还有别的事情要忙
and I had other stuff to do,
不论你信不信
believe it or not.
于是我做了一个邮件自动回复程序
So what I did is I have a little email auto-replier program.
我设置好了程序 每一次从安全超市收到邮件
And I set it up so every time it receives an email from SafeMart,
它就这样发送一封回去
it just pings one back.
我设置好的内容是
So I set it up, and it says,
“谢谢您的邮件 您的处理编号为……”
“Thanks for your email – your Case Number is …”
它包含一个每次加1的小计算
Then it has a little formula that I wrote to up the case number every time.
然后把它放入服务器
And I put it on the server
让它运转
and set it running.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
坦白讲——
I’ll be honest, guys —
我最后把这事给忘了
then I forgot about it.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
过了几天我回头查看邮件
I checked back on it the other day,
它显示出 来回的回复邮件
and it appears there have been a number of emails going back and forth.
达到21439篇
We’re on 21,439.
(掌声)
(Applause)
这件事带给我了很大的满足感我意识到
It gives me an immense sense of satisfaction to know
这两个计算机程序会一直这样互动下去
that these computer programs are just going to be pinging one another
无穷无尽
for eternity.
这样流传下去感觉也还是不错的
And as legacies go, I don’t think that’s bad.
所以朋友们 请记住:
So guys, just remember:
如果你们感觉自己被官僚主义深深压迫
if ever you feel weighed down by the bureaucracy
或者被平淡无奇的生活压迫
and often mundanity of modern life,
不要和沮丧做无谓的抗争
don’t fight the frustration.
让它成为我们的动力
Let it be the catalyst
搞点小怪
for whimsy.
(观众笑)
(Laughter)
谢谢
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

当你对人生感到不满时,为何不和它开个玩笑呢?放松一下,岂不更好。

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收集自网络

翻译译者

知易行难

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dceyy0cX6J4

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