There’s a lot of reasons why you’re here today, Vicki
-Should a husband listen to his wife? -Hmm, let’s talk about it.
男：丈夫应该听妻子的话吗？ 女：嗯 我们来谈谈吧
This could be a 20- second video.
-Should a husband listen to his wife?
Duh? Only, only if he wants a better marriage
If you have a chance to get a better marriage or a worse marriage,
I had a couple, I kid you not. Just this past week.
有一对夫妇 不骗你 就在上周
His main complaint was “She won’t listen to me.
I am trying to fix her problem and she won’t listen to me.”
And I’m thinking” I think I know what her problem is.”
I just came back from a conference not too long ago with doctors John and Julie Gottman.
前不久 我刚参加完John和Julie Gottman医生的会议回来
I just respect these people so much.
Dr. John and dr. Julie Gottman have done some of the most influential research
on couples that I’ve ever seen. Really.
And they’ve made a big impact on the industry.
Dr. Gottman points out that the best thing a husband can do… One of the best things.
He’s got a list of about 7 or 8 things that he teaches couples.
But one of those things is to accept influence from his wife.
-Okay. -Now, think about what that means.
女：好的 男：现在 想想这意味着什么
To accept influence. Vicki, you’ve been so patient with me over the years.
Seriously, this woman is so brilliant.
if I would have learned earlier in life to just listen to her
we could have avoided half of the learning experiences
that we’ve had in the last 30 years.
And maybe got there a little lower tuition if you know what I mean.
This accepting influence has to do with being humble.
-So, talk through that accepting influence. What do you mean by that?
Because that’s maybe sounds a little different than listening.
Yes. And I think it is different in some qualitative ways.
You have to listen to be able to accept the influence
and to really value what’s being said.
The reason we get into conflicts as couples is because of differences.
But it’s differences that make us relevant and interesting to each other.
-Right. -We have to be different.
If you and I were exactly the same,
one of us would be unnecessary.
-And we know which one it would be. Just kidding.
At least we’re agreement on that, right?
But if we’re exactly the same, what difference does it make anyway?
So, the difference is actually enhanced.
You know what? I heard Brett Harward talking about this.
He’s the author of a book called The 5 Laws That Determine All Of Life’s Outcomes.
Bold title. But he nailed it on many of these principles.
And he was sharing a concept with me once about intersecting circles.
If you picture your capabilities and your intelligence as a circle, okay?
And let’s put a number in it. 100, That’s how much I got, okay?
我们在其中设一个数字100 这是我的分值 好吗？
And if my wife who clearly isn’t as smart as I am..
First of all let’s get rid of that attitude.
But let’s just roll with that for a minute.
Let’s just say that I’m assuming that I know more than she does
she’s only like an 80.
and if I assuming that her 80 is already a subset of my 100,
she has nothing to offer me.
But because we’re different, even if…
And by the way, hers is probably a 5,000.
But assuming that it’s an 80 still,
if I’ve got 100 and my wife only has an 80,
but her 80 is different from my 100,
accepting influence from her brings me up to 180
-Right. -Right? Or even if there’s some overlap,
I can get up to 160 if we share about 20
Do you see the concept of the intersecting circles?
So I think this goes a long way to answering the question.
Should a husband listen to his wife? Absolutely.
If he’s intelligent. If he wants a better marriage.
And if he wants to grow his understanding of many many topics and relationships, right?
Yes. Don’t assume that you know everything somebody else knows.
That is never the case
Top CEOs of companies who are brilliant and powerful
would be served well to open their door to whoever is sweeping the floors after hours.
-Because that person has knowledge that the CEO doesn’t. -Different perspective.
And I can think of many examples of how that is the case
Listen. And it’s not just listen.
Be open to accepting influence.
One more thing before we get into this next part of the topic.
Take an extra step. I’m talking to you husbands for just a minute.
Take an extra step to show her that you get it.
Don’t just bulldoze over whatever she’s trying to say
and get to what you want to share.
That is so prideful and destructive.
-That’s just a good communication skill to learn how to listen for understanding.-Right.
-So that’s what you’re asking. -And give that feedback.
So, for me to say, “Okay. So, you’re saying..
所以 我该说 “好吧 所以 你是说……”
And then give it back to you in a way that you recognize it.
Then you feel validated.
You feel like I’ve been listening.
Right. I’m not just trying to talk right over you.
-Now, the title was should have husband listened to his wife, right? -Right.
女：话题是丈夫该听妻子的 对吧？ 男：对
We also want to make sure that
you know that what you have to offer is so important.
Let’s go ahead and and build your confidence.
You’ve got something important to say.
Now, that doesn’t…that we might want to soften the way that we bring it up.
Especially if this is kind of a new dynamic for you.
You’re trying to both kind of navigate a new way of listening.
And sharing the information in your relationship.
So, you’re going to want to navigate it just a little bit.
Go ahead and be confident in what you’ve got to say.
You know, you say that the differences are what attracts us and makes us relevant.
That means that 100% I am sure
your perspective is different from your husband’s.
-Which is good. -Yeah, it’s good. So, be confident in that.
男：这挺好 女：是的很好 所以要有信心
And then maybe soften as you begin the exchange
with your husband that you wanted to listen.
Gottman actually calls this a softened start up.
-Yeah. -So, tell us a little more about soften start.
男：是的 女：那么 请告诉我们更多关于“软启动”的信息
That can increase your influence.
Now, husbands , you will be served to accept influence from your wife.
现在 丈夫们 你们将接受妻子的影响
Wives, you would do well to soften the start up so that it’s more palatable.
So, that it’s received or more likely to be received.
An example might be “You really need to change the way you’re doing this or that!”
Okay? That’s going to bring up some defenses.
Let’s soften that start up.
And it might be “Here, you open to some feedback about how that’s impacting me?”
你可以说 “你愿意听取一些反馈意见 看看这对我有什么影响吗？”
Now, when you ask somebody “Are you open to..”
whatever, is there any other civil answer to that than “Well of course, I’m open to it.” Right?
What are they going to say?
“No, I’m not open?”
-Can I say that… We’ve even used this.
-I mean, we have a relationship where we’re very open with each other. -Yeah.
女：我是说 我们的关系非常开放 男：是的
There are times though when he said, “Are you open to feedback?”
And all in all honesty, I’m like “Not at the moment, no.”
-Yeah. -You know, it gives it gives that person a chance
男：是的 女：你知道 这给了那个人一个机会
to really kind of own that this is where I’m coming from and I’m not quite ready.
-But yes I will be in a few minutes. -Right. Or tomorrow.
女：但 几分钟后我可以 男：对 或者明天
That’s an example though of the softened start up.
You’re not going to try to cram anything down their throat.
And that makes it more likely that you can have that influence.
Really you’re better together than you are apart.
Because you’re different. Because you’re different.
You’re better together than you are apart.
And hopefully these suggestions or these strategies will help you
to connect a little better as a couple.
Gee! Vicki, I’m glad we’ve got all this master.
We’re still working on it, too.
It’s a journey and we’re happy to be on this journey with you.
If there’s other ways we can support you, please reach out to us.
And would you share this video with somebody
that you think would benefit from seeing this?
We’re glad to be on your team and we’re glad that you’re here.
There’s a lot of reasons why you’re here today, Vicki