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丈夫应该听妻子的话吗?

Should A Husband Listen To His Wife?

There’s a lot of reasons why you’re here today, Vicki
你今天来这里有很多原因 Vicki
-Should a husband listen to his wife? -Hmm, let’s talk about it.
男:丈夫应该听妻子的话吗? 女:嗯 我们来谈谈吧
This could be a 20- second video.
这可能是一个20秒的视频
Seriously. Really?
真的 真的吗?
-Should a husband listen to his wife?
女:丈夫应该听妻子的话吗?
Duh? Only, only if he wants a better marriage
咄?只要他想要更好的婚姻
If you have a chance to get a better marriage or a worse marriage,
如果你有机会得到更好或更糟的婚姻
I had a couple, I kid you not. Just this past week.
有一对夫妇 不骗你 就在上周
His main complaint was “She won’t listen to me.
男的主要槽点是“她不听我的
I am trying to fix her problem and she won’t listen to me.”
我尽力解决她的问题 她却不听我的”
And I’m thinking” I think I know what her problem is.”
我就在想“我觉得我知道她有什么问题 ”
I just came back from a conference not too long ago with doctors John and Julie Gottman.
前不久 我刚参加完John和Julie Gottman医生的会议回来
I just respect these people so much.
我非常尊重他们
Dr. John and dr. Julie Gottman have done some of the most influential research
John和Julie Gottman医生关于夫妻的研究
on couples that I’ve ever seen. Really.
是我所见过最具影响力的 真的
And they’ve made a big impact on the industry.
他们对这个行业产生了巨大的影响
Dr. Gottman points out that the best thing a husband can do… One of the best things.
Gottman医生指出了丈夫能做的最好的事情……之一
He’s got a list of about 7 or 8 things that he teaches couples.
他列出了清单 教夫妻们七八件事
But one of those things is to accept influence from his wife.
其中之一就是接受来自妻子的影响
-Okay. -Now, think about what that means.
女:好的 男:现在 想想这意味着什么
To accept influence. Vicki, you’ve been so patient with me over the years.
接受影响 Vicki多年来你对我一直很有耐心
Seriously, this woman is so brilliant.
说真的 这个女人真是聪明
if I would have learned earlier in life to just listen to her
如果我早一点学会听她的话
we could have avoided half of the learning experiences
我们本可以避免过去30年里
that we’ve had in the last 30 years.
一半的学习经历
And maybe got there a little lower tuition if you know what I mean.
如果你明白我的意思 我可能会少交一点学费
This accepting influence has to do with being humble.
接受影响与谦逊有关
-So, talk through that accepting influence. What do you mean by that?
女:探讨接受影响 你的意思是什么?
Because that’s maybe sounds a little different than listening.
因为这听起来与倾听有点儿不同
Yes. And I think it is different in some qualitative ways.
是的 我认为在性质上是不同的
You have to listen to be able to accept the influence
为了能接受影响 你必须倾听
and to really value what’s being said.
并真正重视听到的话
The reason we get into conflicts as couples is because of differences.
作为夫妻 我们陷入冲突的原因是差异
But it’s differences that make us relevant and interesting to each other.
但正是差异让我们彼此相连 彼此吸引
-Right. -We have to be different.
女:对 男:我们必须互不相同
If you and I were exactly the same,
如果你我完全一样
one of us would be unnecessary.
我们中的一个就没必要存在了
-And we know which one it would be. Just kidding.
女:我们知道是哪一个 只是开玩笑
At least we’re agreement on that, right?
至少在这一点上我们意见一致 对吧?
But if we’re exactly the same, what difference does it make anyway?
但如果我们完全一样 又有什么区别呢?
So, the difference is actually enhanced.
因此 这种差异实际上被增强了
You know what? I heard Brett Harward talking about this.
你知道吗?我听Brett Harward说过这个
Remember Brett?
还记得Brett吗?
He’s the author of a book called The 5 Laws That Determine All Of Life’s Outcomes.
他是《决定所有生命结果的五定律》一书的作者
Bold title. But he nailed it on many of these principles.
大胆的标题 但此标题和众多原则密切贴合
And he was sharing a concept with me once about intersecting circles.
他曾跟我分享了一个关于交叉圆的概念
If you picture your capabilities and your intelligence as a circle, okay?
如果把你的能力和智力描绘成一个圆 明白吗?
And let’s put a number in it. 100, That’s how much I got, okay?
我们在其中设一个数字100 这是我的分值 好吗?
And if my wife who clearly isn’t as smart as I am..
如果我的妻子明显不如我聪明……
First of all let’s get rid of that attitude.
首先 让我们摆脱这种态度
But let’s just roll with that for a minute.
但我们仅仅假设一分钟
Let’s just say that I’m assuming that I know more than she does
我们假设我知道的比她多
she’s only like an 80.
她大概只有80
and if I assuming that her 80 is already a subset of my 100,
如果我假设她的80已是我的100的子集
she has nothing to offer me.
她没有任何东西可以给我
But because we’re different, even if…
但因为我们是不同的 即使……
And by the way, hers is probably a 5,000.
顺便说一下 她的可能是5000
But assuming that it’s an 80 still,
但假设还是80
if I’ve got 100 and my wife only has an 80,
如果我有100 而我妻子只有80
but her 80 is different from my 100,
但她的80和我的100不同
accepting influence from her brings me up to 180
接受她的影响将我提升到180
-Right. -Right? Or even if there’s some overlap,
女:对 男:对吗?即使有一些重叠
I can get up to 160 if we share about 20
如果我们共享大约20 我仍可提升到160
Do you see the concept of the intersecting circles?
你们明白交叉圆的概念了吗?
So I think this goes a long way to answering the question.
所以我认为这对回答这个问题大有帮助
Should a husband listen to his wife? Absolutely.
丈夫应该听妻子的话吗?绝对应该
If he’s intelligent. If he wants a better marriage.
如果他聪明 如果他想要更好的婚姻的话
And if he wants to grow his understanding of many many topics and relationships, right?
如果他想加深对很多话题和关系的理解 对吗?
Yes. Don’t assume that you know everything somebody else knows.
是的 不要以为你知道别人知道的一切
That is never the case
事实绝非如此
Top CEOs of companies who are brilliant and powerful
那些才华横溢 权贵有势的公司首席执行官们
would be served well to open their door to whoever is sweeping the floors after hours.
会很乐意为下班后扫地的人开门
-Because that person has knowledge that the CEO doesn’t. -Different perspective.
男:因为扫地工有CEO不具备的知识 女:视角不同
And I can think of many examples of how that is the case
能说明这一点的例子不胜枚举
Listen. And it’s not just listen.
听 不仅要倾听
Be open to accepting influence.
还要敞开心扉接受影响
One more thing before we get into this next part of the topic.
在我们进入下一部分之前还有一件事
Take an extra step. I’m talking to you husbands for just a minute.
多走一步 我就跟丈夫们多说一分钟
Take an extra step to show her that you get it.
多走一步 让她知道你明白了
Don’t just bulldoze over whatever she’s trying to say
不要无视她想说的话
and get to what you want to share.
强行分享你的想法
That is so prideful and destructive.
这样做很傲慢 极具破坏性
-That’s just a good communication skill to learn how to listen for understanding.-Right.
女:学习如何倾听以获得理解是良好的沟通技巧 男:正确
-So that’s what you’re asking. -And give that feedback.
女:这就是你要的 男:然后给出反馈
So, for me to say, “Okay. So, you’re saying..
所以 我该说 “好吧 所以 你是说……”
And then give it back to you in a way that you recognize it.
然后以你认知的方式反馈给你
Then you feel validated.
然后你会感到被认可
You feel like I’ve been listening.
你觉得我一直在听
Right. I’m not just trying to talk right over you.
男:我不只是想对你说三道四 女:对
-Now, the title was should have husband listened to his wife, right? -Right.
女:话题是丈夫该听妻子的 对吧? 男:对
We also want to make sure that
我们还想确保
you know that what you have to offer is so important.
你明白你提供的东西的重要性
Let’s go ahead and and build your confidence.
让我们继续前进 建立信心
You’ve got something important to say.
你有重要的事要说
Now, that doesn’t…that we might want to soften the way that we bring it up.
现在 这并不……我们可以软化提出问题的方式
Especially if this is kind of a new dynamic for you.
特别是如果这对你来说是一种新的动力
You’re trying to both kind of navigate a new way of listening.
你在实施一种新的倾听方式
And sharing the information in your relationship.
并分享你们关系中的信息
So, you’re going to want to navigate it just a little bit.
你需要稍微践行起来
Go ahead and be confident in what you’ve got to say.
去做吧 对你说的话要有信心
You know, you say that the differences are what attracts us and makes us relevant.
你说差异让我们相互吸引 使我们彼此相关
That means that 100% I am sure
这意味着我百分之百确定
your perspective is different from your husband’s.
你的观点和你丈夫的不同
-Which is good. -Yeah, it’s good. So, be confident in that.
男:这挺好 女:是的很好 所以要有信心
And then maybe soften as you begin the exchange
当你和丈夫开始你愿意听的交流时
with your husband that you wanted to listen.
语气可能会软化
Gottman actually calls this a softened start up.
实际上 Gottman称之为温和的开始
-Yeah. -So, tell us a little more about soften start.

男:是的 女:那么 请告诉我们更多关于“软启动”的信息
That can increase your influence.
软启动可以增加你的影响力
Now, husbands , you will be served to accept influence from your wife.
现在 丈夫们 你们将接受妻子的影响
Wives, you would do well to soften the start up so that it’s more palatable.
妻子们 你们好好缓和气氛让它更融洽
So, that it’s received or more likely to be received.
这样 它会易于接受或更有可能被接受
An example might be “You really need to change the way you’re doing this or that!”
举个例子 “你真的需要改变你做这件事或那件事的方式!”这句话
Okay? That’s going to bring up some defenses.
说过吧?这么说会引起抵触情绪
Let’s soften that start up.
我们来软化一下
And it might be “Here, you open to some feedback about how that’s impacting me?”
你可以说 “你愿意听取一些反馈意见 看看这对我有什么影响吗?”
Now, when you ask somebody “Are you open to..”
当你问某人“你愿意接受……吗?”时
whatever, is there any other civil answer to that than “Well of course, I’m open to it.” Right?
还有什么比“当然 我愿意接受”更礼貌的回答吗?
What are they going to say?
他们会说什么?
“No, I’m not open?”
“不 我不接受?”
-Can I say that… We’ve even used this.
女:我能说…我们还真这么说过吗?
-I mean, we have a relationship where we’re very open with each other. -Yeah.
女:我是说 我们的关系非常开放 男:是的
There are times though when he said, “Are you open to feedback?”
虽然有时他问“你愿意接受反馈吗? ”
And all in all honesty, I’m like “Not at the moment, no.”
老实说 我会回答“现在不行”
-Yeah. -You know, it gives it gives that person a chance
男:是的 女:你知道 这给了那个人一个机会
to really kind of own that this is where I’m coming from and I’m not quite ready.
承认“我目前还没准备好接受”
-But yes I will be in a few minutes. -Right. Or tomorrow.
女:但 几分钟后我可以 男:对 或者明天

That’s an example though of the softened start up.
这就是软启动的一个例子
You’re not going to try to cram anything down their throat.
你将不会尽力把意志强加于他们
And that makes it more likely that you can have that influence.
这使你更有可能拥有影响力
Really you’re better together than you are apart.
你们在一起总比分开好
Because you’re different. Because you’re different.
因为你与众不同 因为你们互不相同
You’re better together than you are apart.
你们在一起总比分开好
And hopefully these suggestions or these strategies will help you
希望这些建议或策略能帮助你们
to connect a little better as a couple.
更好地沟通夫妻关系
Gee! Vicki, I’m glad we’ve got all this master.
哇!Vicki 很高兴我们大有收获
We’re still working on it, too.
我们也将继续砥砺前行
It’s a journey and we’re happy to be on this journey with you.
这段旅程 很高兴与你们同行
If there’s other ways we can support you, please reach out to us.
如果有其他什么可以帮你的 请联系我们
And would you share this video with somebody
你会把这个视频分享给
that you think would benefit from seeing this?
你认为会从中受益的人吗?
We’re glad to be on your team and we’re glad that you’re here.
很高兴加入你的团队 很高兴有你陪伴

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视频概述

男人来自火星,女人来自金星,有矛盾时怎么办?是心甘情愿做一个耙耳朵?还是施展套路,发展良好夫妻关系?本视频会给你有用的建议。

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXLxG2VVSR0

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