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精神疗法 | 约翰•鲍比 – 译学馆
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精神疗法 | 约翰•鲍比

PSYCHOTHERAPY - John Bowlby

我们最渴望的就是拥有稳定 令人满意的关系
Our deepest longing is to have stable, satisfying relationships,
但一个残酷的事实是 很多关系中总是充满一个接一个的痛苦事件
but the painful fact is that very large numbers of relationships have one painful episode after another,
或是贯穿着貌似难解的痛苦冲突
or seemingly intractable miserable conflicts running through them.
最大的问题就是 在恋爱中获得快乐为什么这么难?
It’s one of the biggest questions there is: why is it so hard to be happy in love?
对此心理分析学最主流但并非全面的解读是
The huge and not yet fully digested insight of psychoanalysis
当我们还是孩子的时候就需要面对感情问题
is that the challenges of relationships always start when we were children.
这是由英国伟大的心理分析学家约翰·鲍比提出的
It was the contribution of a great English psychoanalyst called John Bowlby,
用以描绘我们和伴侣之间的紧张感和冲突
to trace the tensions and conflicts we have with our partners
这最早可以追溯到母爱经历
back to our earliest experiences of maternal care.
他的观点是合理的
His ideas are sound,
部分是因为他用了自身的经历来更诚实、更深入地阐述这个问题
in part because he drew so deeply and honestly on his own experiences in order to formulate them.
生于1907年的鲍比在英国过着典型的上层童年生活
Born in 1907, Bowlby had a quintessentially upper-class British childhood.
但是他几乎见不到他的父母 他一直被一个保姆照顾生活起居 而这个保姆在他四岁的时候被遣走了
Yet Bowlby hardly saw his parents and was looked after by a nanny, who was let go when he was just four,
留下鲍比孤苦伶仃
leaving young Bowlby bereft.
在他七岁的时候 依照他所在阶层的惯例 他被迫去寄宿学校读书
At seven, he was sent off, and lying with the conventions of his class, to boarding school.
他痛恨寄宿生活 后来说:“即便是条狗我也不会在它七岁时就送到寄宿学校”
He hated it, and later declared, “I wouldn’t send a dog away to boarding school at the age of seven.”
鲍比成为一名杰出的医学专业生 也是一名充满想象力的研究者
Bowlby became a brilliant medical student and an imaginative researcher.
1950年代初 在他任世界健康组织的顾问 时他写了一个报告–
When he was a consultant to the World Health Association in the early 1950s, Bowlby wrote a report:
《母爱关怀与心理健康》
“Maternal Care and Mental Health.”‘
他否定了大多数人的观点 认为对孩子的仁慈并不意味着溺爱他们
He attacked prevalent assumptions and argued that kindness doesn’t smother and spoil children.
他写到:”看起来母爱在人性发展方面有着极其重要的作用
“It’s as if maternal care were as necessary for the proper development of personality
就像是维生素D对于人体骨骼的构建一样重要”
as vitamin D for the development of bones,” he wrote.
他这一观点掀起了一股改革的新浪潮
This insight initiated a wave of reform.
许多健康机构的探视规则也进行了改革 允许父母和孩子们待在一起
The visitation rules of many health institutions were reformed to allow parents to stay with their children,
但也仅仅是待在一起而不能彼此有所接触
where they’d once been allowed only to visit and never to touch.
这听起来就像是一场乏味官僚的举措
It sounds like a dry, bureaucratic move,
但它结束了无数个令人悲伤的安静下午和孤独夜晚
but it ended countless afternoons of quiet sorrow and evenings of solitary anguish.
在1959年出版的《分离焦虑》一书中
In a book published in 1959 called, “Separation Anxiety,”
鲍比考察了当孩子们没有得到父母足够的爱时会怎样
Bowlby looks at what happens when there isn’t enough of this kind of parental care.
他描述了那些被考察的
He described the behavior of children he’d observed
与父母分开的孩子的行为
who’d been separated from their parents.
如果孩子和父母分开得太久 他们仍会一直渴求父母的关注和爱
If the child is separated for too long, they still crave the attention, love, and interest of the parents,
但会觉得一切好的东西随时都可能消失
but feel that anything good may disappear at any moment.
他们会寻求很多很多安全感 当没有找到的时候会很失落
They look for a lot of reassurance, and get upset if it’s not forthcoming.
他们变得反复无常
They become volatile,
他们振作起来 然后失望 到最后他们又重拾希望
they take heart, and then they despair, and then they’re filled with hope again.
这就是鲍比所说的”焦虑型依恋”
This is the pattern of what Bowlby called, “anxious attachment.”
但是孩子和父母的分离程度也导致了另一类问题
But the degree of separation from the parents may lead to another sort of problem.
孩子们会觉得很无助 然后变得如鲍比所言的”分离”(不依恋)
The child could feel so helpless, they become what Bowlby called, “detached.”
他们沉浸在自己的世界里来保护自己
They enter their own world to protect themselves,
变得疏远与冷漠
and become remote and cold.
他们所经历的就是鲍比所谓的“逃避型依恋”
They experience what Bowlby calls, “avoidant attachment.”
也就是说 他们将温暖、亲密及感情投入视为危险的 并逃避之
That is, they seek tenderness, closeness, emotional investment as always dangerous and to be shunned.
他们事实上急需一个拥抱胜过安全感 但这种东西看起来太不靠谱
They may, in truth, be desperate for a cuddle over reassurance, but such things look far too treacherous.
鲍比的中心思想是关于
The focus of Bowlby’s thinking
一个孩子如果太难形成安全的依恋关系会怎样
was about what happens to a child if there are too many difficulties in forming secure attachments.
但这种影响不仅仅局限在8岁12岁或17岁的阶段
But the consequences don’t magically get restricted only to the age of 8, or 12, or 17–
这种影响是终生的
they’re lifelong.
我们的依恋类型是由我们早期的经历形成
Our attachment style is fed by our earliest experiences.
这是预先形成的印记 一直会延续到我们的成年关系中
It’s a pre-existing script that gets written into our adult relationships,
通常我们甚至都没有意识到这种影响
usually without us even realizing that this has happened.
与鲍比关于亲子关系理论相对应
In line with Bowlby’s views about how children relate to their parents,
我们对其他成年人有三种基本依恋关系
there are three basic kinds of attachment we can have to other adults.
第一种: 安全型依恋
Firstly: secure attachment.
这是极其罕见的理想型
This is the rare ideal.
当你是安全依恋型的 一旦有了问题 你都会寻求解决
When you are securely attached, if there’s a problem, you’ll work it out.
你不会因伴侣的弱点而退缩
You aren’t appalled by the weakness of your partner.
如果你的伴侣有点低落 迷惘或者有点烦人
If your partner’s a bit down, confused, or being a bit annoying,
你不会反应过激
you don’t react too wildly,
因为即使他们不能友善地对待你 你也可以自己照顾好自己
because even if they can’t be nice to you, you can take care of yourself and,
并充满希望地多花些时间来满足伴侣的一些要求
have hopefully, a little time left over to meet some of the needs of your partner.
当解读对方行为的时候 你会把怀疑的好处给对方
You give the other the benefit of the doubt when interpreting behavior.
你意识到也许是他们这一天工作不顺心所以对你的事情才不那么上心
You realize that maybe they had a tricky time at work; that’s why they’re not so interested in your day.
解释是包容的、宽宏大量的 而且往往是更准确的
The explanations are accommodating, generous, and usually more accurate.
但也有另外一种依恋: 焦虑型依恋
But there’s another kind of attachment: anxious attachment–
主要表现就是黏人
and this is marked by clingyness.
一直发短信或连环夺命call只是为了查岗或者监视对方
Texting and calling all the time just to check where the other is and keep tabs on what they’re up to.
你需要确保对方没有离开你或出国
You need to make sure the other person hasn’t left you or the country.
焦虑型依恋的人会变得强硬、要求太高
Anxiously attached people become coercive and demanding,
只关注自身需要而忽略伴侣的要求
and focus on their own needs, not their partner’s.
焦虑型自恋关系会有许多愤怒情绪
Anxious attachment involves a lot of anger;
因为风险太大
because the stakes feel so high,
一次小小的怠慢 一句口不择言 一次不经心的疏忽
a minor slight, a hasty word, a tiny oversight
对于焦虑依恋型的人来说都像是巨大的威胁
could look, to the anxiously attached person, like huge threats.
它们似乎昭告着这整段关系即将告吹
They seem to announce the imminent breakup of the whole relationship.
一方会觉得
One feels,
“你不说我做的蔬菜面条汤好吃 是因为你不爱我 而且打算离开我”
“The reason you don’t tell me that the minestrone soup I made is delicious is that you don’t love me and are planning to leave me,”
可真正的解释或许只是 他/她的伴侣正在认真考虑
when the true explanation may simply be that one’s partner is mulling over
工作里一个合约的棘手问题
a very tricky bit of news about a contract at work.
“逃避型依恋” 是指你宁可抽身撤离
“Avoidant attachment” means that you would rather withdraw and go away
也不愿妥协、发怒 甚至只是亲近另一个人
than compromise, get angry, or even just getting close to another person.
如果有什么问题 你也不会说出来
If there’s a problem, you don’t talk.
你的本能告诉你 你不需要对方 尤其是当你觉得孤独的时候
Your instinct is to say you don’t need the other person, especially if you’re lonely.
逃避型的人常常会找到焦虑型的伴侣
Avoidant spouses often team up with anxious ones.
这是一种危险的组合:
It’s a risky combination;
逃避型的Ta不会给焦虑型的Ta太多支持
the avoidant one doesn’t give the anxious one much support,
而焦虑型的Ta却总在侵犯逃避型的Ta的脆弱隐私
and the anxious one is always invading the delicate privacy of the avoidant one.
当伴侣让我们难过失望时 鲍比帮助我们感到更宽容
Bowlby helps us to feel more generous, and more constructive
更具有建设性地思考伴侣的行为
about what these partners are doing when they upset or disappoint us.
实际上几乎没有人是纯粹焦虑或逃避型的
Almost no one, in truth, is purely anxious or purely avoidant–
我们只是有时更像某一种类型
we’re just a bit like that some of the time.
所以 鲍比让我们意识到 伴侣表面的冷漠与疏离
So, alerted by Bowlby, we can see that a partner’s apparent coldness and indifference
并不是因他们讨厌我们
is not caused by their loathing of us,
而是他们在很久之前或许在亲密关系中受过重伤
but by the fact that a long time ago, they were probably rather badly hurt by intimacy.
这为认识自我打开了可能性的大门
And it opens possibilities of self-knowledge,
这将有助于改造–哪怕一点点–自身的反常行为
which can help one reform, if only a little, one’s own rather eccentric behavior.
最新研究显示 在英国人口中
[The latest research shows that in the UK population:
56%为安全依恋型
56 percent are securely attached;
24%为逃避依恋型
24 percent are avoidantly attached;
20%为焦虑依恋型
20 percent are anxiously attached]

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视频概述

约翰鲍比的"分离焦虑"理论让我们理解了三种依恋关系: 安全型,焦虑型和逃避型。分别对应童年时的亲子关系。这个理论可以帮助我们认识自我,并且更建设性地改造自己在亲密关系中的反常行为。

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LM0nE81mIE

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