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你被“情感勒索”了吗?

Protect Yourself From Emotional Blackmail

I recently came across the term /emotional blackmail/,
我最近在苏珊·福沃德博士的一本同名书中
in a book of the same name by Dr. Susan Forward,
读到“情感勒索”这个词
and I think it’s a very powerful concept.
我认为这是一个非常有力的概念
And unfortunately, it’s a reality that a lot of people deal with.
不幸的是 这是很多人都要面对的现实
So I’m gonna explore the concept in my own words.
所以我将用自己的话来探讨这个概念
What is emotional blackmail? And why does it happen?
什么是情感勒索?它为什么会发生?
As always, I’m gonna explore these ideas through a dialogue.
和往常一样 我将通过一段对话来探讨这些问题
The following is a conversation between a monk (M) and a student (S).
以下是一名僧侣(M)和一名学生(S)之间的对话
M: If you wanna thrive, protect yourself from emotional blackmail.
僧侣:如果想健康成长 你要保护自己免受情感勒索
S: What’s emotional blackmail?
学生:什么是情感勒索?
M: Emotional blackmail is when someone else makes you responsible for their feelings.
僧侣:情感勒索是指别人让你为他们的感受负责
And if you don’t do what they want,
如果你不按他们的要求去做
they use obligation, guilt, and fear
他们就会利用“责任感”“罪恶感”和“恐惧感”
to pressure you into doing it.
逼迫你去做
S: Hmm…
学生:嗯……
I think I know what you’re talking about, but can you give me an example?
我想我知道您在说什么 但能给我举个例子吗?
M: If you don’t do what someone wants, they may threaten you.
僧侣:如果你不照着他们的意思去做 他们可能会威胁你
“Do what I say or else…”
“照我说的做 否则……”
That’s regular blackmail.
这是常规的勒索
But emotional blackmail is closer to someone saying,
但情感勒索更像是有人说:
“make me feel good, or else I’ll make you feel bad…”
“让我满意点 否则你就要遭殃了……”
For example, if you don’t do what a parent, or a friend, or a partner says,
例如 如果你不按照父母 朋友 或伴侣说的去做
they may refuse to talk to you until you do what they want.
他们可能会拒绝和你说话 直到你照他们的意愿去做
They’re letting you know,
他们是在让你知道
“if you don’t take responsibility for my feelings and make me feel good,
“如果你不为我的感受负责 不让我满意
I’m gonna make you feel bad about it.”
我就不会让你好过”
Or they may threaten to harm themselves,
或者他们可能威胁要伤害自己
or stop eating, or stop working, or “get sick”, or “be depressed”,
或着绝食 罢工 “生病”或“抑郁”
and they’ll make you feel at fault for all of it.
他们会让你觉得这一切都是你的错
They make themselves feel bad and then claim you’re the reason why.
他们把自己搞得很不开心 然后声称这都怪你
They hold your feelings hostage,
他们控制着你的感情
and they use your empathy and compassion against you.
利用你的同理心和同情心来对付你
S: You always tell me that if I wanna understand an action,
学生:您总是告诉我 想要理解一项行为
I need to understand the belief behind it.
需要理解它背后的信念
Well, what are the beliefs behind all of this?
那么 这一切背后的信念是什么?
Why would someone choose to blackmail someone else?
为什么会有人会去勒索别人?
And why would someone allow themselves to be blackmailed in this way?
为什么会有人允许自己被这样勒索?
I don’t understand.
我不理解
M: Those are good questions.
僧侣:问得好
Let’s start by looking at the blackmailer.
我们先从勒索者开始
Fundamentally, the blackmailer is entitled.
从根本上说 勒索者认为自己有权这么做
They believe that others are responsible for their feelings.
他们认为别人理应对自己的感受负责
They believe others must act in a way that makes them feel good,
他们认为别人必须以一种让他们感觉良好的方式行事
rather than taking responsibility for their own feelings.
而非自己为自己的感受负责
S: Oh, that actually makes a lot of sense.
学生:哦 这么说还蛮有道理的
What about the person who let’s themselves be blackmailed?
那些允许自己被勒索的人呢?
Why do they allow that?
他们为什么允许别人这样做?
M: The blackmailer refuses to take responsibility for their own feelings,
僧侣:勒索者拒绝为自己的感受负责
but the blackmailee is the exact opposite:
但被勒索者恰恰相反:
they take responsibility for feelings that aren’t their own.
他们为不属于自己的感受负责
While the blackmailer wants everyone around them to act a certain way,
勒索者希望身边的每个人都以特定的方式行事
the blackmailee wants everyone to feel a certain way.
而被勒索者希望每个人都有特定的感觉
While the blackmailer feels entitled,
勒索者觉得自己有权利
the blackmailee feels like they owe a debt.
而被勒索者却觉得自己欠了债
While the blackmailer passes judgements,
勒索者评价别人
the blackmailee is always looking to be positively judged.
被勒索者总是希望得到正面的评价
They take the judgments of other people very seriously.
被勒索者非常看重别人的评价
If someone says to them, “you’re a very selfish person,”
如果有人对他们说 “你是一个非常自私的人”
they believe it immediately.
他们马上就会相信
They think, am I selfish?
他们会想 我自私吗?
I must be selfish!
我一定很自私!
Why would someone say that if I wasn’t?
如果不是 怎么会有人这么说?
Oh god I’m such a bad person.
天啊 我真是个坏人
I need to fix this right now.
我得马上解决这个问题
While the blackmailer wants everyone to serve them,
勒索者希望每个人都为他们服务
the blackmailee wants to serve everyone.
而被勒索者希望为每个人服务
They wanna be liked and approved by everyone,
被勒索者希望得到每个人的喜欢和认可
and they’ll do just about anything to get it.
为此他们可以做任何事
While the blackmailer believes what they say is the truth,
勒索者相信自己说的是事实
the blackmailee believes that what others say about them is the truth.
而被勒索者相信别人说的是事实
And while the blackmailer’s mind is dominated by taking,
勒索者满脑子想的全是索取
the blackmailee’s mind is dominated by giving.
而被勒索者满脑子想的全是给予
S: Hmm…
学生:嗯……
I’m starting to understand how these relationships come about,
我开始理解这些关系是怎么产生的了
but it sounds like the blackmailer needs the blackmailee
但听起来勒索者需要被勒索者
and the blackmailee needs the blackmailer, right?
被勒索者也需要勒索者 对吧?
So what’s wrong with that?
那这有什么问题呢?
M: I’m not going to say there’s anything right or wrong with it,
僧侣:我并不是说这有什么对错之分
but let’s take a look at where it leads.
但让我们来看看这会导致什么
A relationship like that is based purely on power, not love.
这样的关系纯粹是建立在权力的基础上 而不是爱
It’s mutual slavery, governed by domination and submission.
这是相互奴役 被统治和服从支配着
And when a relationship is based on power, there’s no intimacy.
当一段关系建立在权力的基础上时 亲密关系就不复存在了
Intimacy arises when two people understand each other,
亲密关系产生于两个人相互理解
are free to express their desires,
自由表达自己的需求
and mutually satisfy one another.
并且相互满足的时候
But a relationship dominated by emotional blackmail is always one-sided.
但是 一段被情感勒索所支配的关系总是不平等的
One person’s desires are always subordinated to the other’s.
一方的需求总是服从于另一方的需求
And there are other effects on each party too.
对双方也有其他的影响
The blackmailer becomes more and more delusional about their own entitlement,
勒索者越来越妄想自己的权利
and they pin their entire happiness on the actions of someone else.
他们把自己的全部快乐都寄托在别人的行为上
Because they consider others to be responsible for their feelings,
因为他们认为别人要对自己的感受负责
they are never in control of their own feelings.
所以他们永远无法控制自己的感受
Meanwhile, the blackmailee becomes more and more hollow as a person.
与此同时 作为一个人 被勒索者变得越来越空虚
As they sacrifice their own desires for someone else, they start to lose themselves.
当他们为了别人牺牲自己的需求时 他们开始失去自我
They don’t even know who they are anymore apart from the person they serve.
他们甚至不知道除了他们所服务的人之外 他们自己是谁了
Ultimately, the blackmailer is a slave to the actions of others,
说到底 勒索者是他人行为的奴隶
and the blackmailee is a slave to the feelings of others.
而被勒索者是他人感情的奴隶
Both parties aren’t free.
双方都不自由
S: I see.
学生:我明白了
But it sounds like you said there’s another type of relationship:
但听您的意思是说还有另一种关系:
one based on love, not power.
一种基于爱的关系 而不是权力
Why do some people not succumb to emotional blackmail?
为什么有些人不会屈服于情感勒索?
M: Because they are sovereign.
僧侣:因为他们独立
S: What does that mean?
学生:什么意思?
M: A sovereign person realizes that they’re responsible for their own feelings and desires.
僧侣:一个独立的人明白要对自己的感受和欲望负责
No one else can have ownership over their feelings, their desires,
没有人能控制他们的感受 欲望
their thoughts, their speech, or their actions.
想法 言论或行为
They are the sole proprietors, the only owners, of their own bodies.
他们是自己身体的唯一所有者
It’s their natural birthright.
这是他们与生俱来的权利
They recognize that their body is a kingdom,
他们认识到自己的身体是一个王国
that entire lineages and futures are contained within it,
整个家族和未来都在其中
that it holds undiscovered works of art, theories, and inventions
还包括未被发现的艺术品 理论和发明
that are waiting to be shared with the rest of the world,
等待着与这个世界分享
that it has been entrusted with great resources that can benefit all of mankind,
身体被赋予了可以造福全人类的巨大资源
and they alone are the ruler of that kingdom, the spokesperson,
而只有独立的人才是这个王国的统治者和发言人
the one that must govern it, manage it, speak for it, nurture it, and see that it thrives.
他们必须统治它 管理它 为它做主 培养它 并确保它兴旺发达
And as an extension of this,
由此而来
they realize that they’re not responsible for the feelings or desires of anyone else.
他们明白自己不需要对其他人的感受或需求负责
And when you bring two sovereign people together,
当你把两个独立的人聚在一起时
they can make the conscious choice to help each other meet their desires.
他们会有意识地做出选择 去帮助对方满足他们的需求
They can create an alliance between two kingdoms.
他们可以在两个王国之间建立联盟
Through truthful speech, they can open up to each other about what they want
他们实话实说 可以向对方敞开心扉 表达自己的需求
and deeply understand one another.
并深刻地理解彼此
And they can help each other get what they want,
他们可以互相帮助 互取所需
and that’s intimate, and that’s deep,
这是亲密的 是深厚的
and that’s a relationship built on the foundation of love, not power.
是建立在爱的基础上的关系 而不是权利
As I said in the beginning,
正如我开始时所说
I recently came across the term /emotional blackmail/,
我最近读到“情感勒索”一词
and I really wanted to explore this concept in my own words
我真的很想用自己的话来探索这个概念
and help popularize it.
并让更多的人了解它
I originally came across it in the book /Emotional Blackmail/ by Dr. Susan Forward,
我最初是在苏珊福·沃德博士的《情感勒索》一书中读到这个词的
which I highly, highly recommend,
我强烈推荐本书
if you, or someone you know, is dealing with emotional blackmail.
如果你或者你认识的人 正面临着情感勒索
It goes into depth about how to identify it and how to deal with it.
本书深入探讨了如何识别和处理它
If that’s something you’re interested in reading,
如果你有兴趣阅读
I’ll leave a link to the book in the description below.
我会在下面的详情中留下这本书的链接
As always, this is just my opinion and understanding of emotional blackmail,
和往常一样 这只是我个人对情感勒索的看法和理解
not advice.
而非建议
Feel free to use this information however you like,
你可以随意使用这些信息
and if you have a different take on it,
如果你对此有不同的看法
I’d love to hear your perspective in the comments.
欢迎在评论区留下你的观点

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视频概述

我们最关心、最亲近的人,对我们的杀伤力最大。这是因为我们互相知根知底,就算并非有意,也能清楚怎样利用彼此的心理和情感上的弱点来达到目的。这导致了很多人际关系噩梦的基本形式——情感勒索。勒索者抓住被勒索者的恐惧感、责任感和罪恶感,双方一起被困在恶性循环之中。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

AWAY

审核员

审核员RYAN

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utX6xfOrjFk

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