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我儿子是校园枪击案凶手 – 译学馆
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我儿子是校园枪击案凶手

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

我最后一次听到儿子的声音
The last time I heard my son’s voice
是在他走出前门
was when he walked out the front door
去学校时
on his way to school.
他在黑暗中喊出一句话
He called out one word in the darkness:
再见
“Bye.”
在1999年4月20日
It was April 20, 1999.
早晨稍晚一些的时候 在科隆比纳高中
Later that morning,at Columbine High School,
我的儿子狄伦和他的朋友埃里克
my son Dylan and his friend Eric
在他们自杀前
killed 12 students and a teacher
杀死12名学生和1名老师 并造成20多人重伤
and wounded more than 20 othersbefore taking their own lives.
13名无辜的人被杀
Thirteen innocent people were killed,
让他们的亲人深感悲痛和创伤
leaving their loved onesin a state of grief and trauma.
一些伤者遭受持久的伤痛 还有些毁了容并终生残疾
Others sustained injuries, some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.
但是悲剧导致的严重性
But the enormity of the tragedy
不能简单用死者和伤者的人数来衡量
can’t be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.
无法去衡量那些在学校里的人
There’s no way to quantifythe psychological damage
或参加了救援或清理工作人员
of those who were in the school,
心理受到的伤害
or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.
也没办法评估科隆比纳事件造成危害的等级
There’s no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,
特别是它可能被
especially when it can be a blueprint
其他射手当成自己实施暴行的参照
for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.
科隆比纳事件是场海啸 当冲击停止时
Columbine was a tidal wave, and when the crash ended,
需要大众和社会花费数年的时间
it would take years for the community and for society
消除其影响
to comprehend its impact.
尝试接受我儿子的罪行也耗费了我数年的时间
It has taken me years to try to accept my son’s legacy.
他生命最后的残忍行径
The cruel behaviorthat defined the end of his life
使我明白 他完全不是一个我所认识的人
showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.
后来人们问
Afterwards people asked,
“你怎么可能不知道呢?
“How could you not know?
你是怎么当妈妈的?”
What kind of a mother were you?”
我也问我自己这些同样的问题
I still ask myself those same questions.
枪击案前 我认为自己是个好母亲
Before the shootings,I thought of myself as a good mom.
帮助孩子成为细心 健康
Helping my children become caring, healthy,
有责任心的成年人
responsible adults
是我人生最重要的任务
was the most important role of my life.
但是这次悲剧让我发现 作为母亲我很失败
But the tragedy convinced methat I failed as a parent,
正是这种失败感让我今天来到这里
and it’s partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.
除了他的父亲
Aside from his father,
我是最了解和爱狄伦的人
I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.
如果有人知道会发生的事情
If anyone could have knownwhat was happening,
那应该是我 不是吗?
it should have been me, right?
但是我不知道
But I didn’t know.
今天 我在这里分享
Today I’m here to share the experience
作为杀人犯的母亲的体验
of what it’s like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.
惨案后的数年 我梳理记忆
For years after the tragedy,I combed through memories,
试着找出我作为母亲究竟失败在哪儿
trying to figure outexactly where I failed as a parent.
但是没有简单的答案
But there are no simple answers.
我不能给出任何应对措施
I can’t give you any solutions.
我能做的就是分享我所学到的
All I can do is share what I have learned.
在枪击案前
When I talk to people who
和不认识的人交谈时
didn’t know me before the shootings,
我会碰到三个挑战
I have three challenges to meet.
首先 当我走进这样的屋子时
First when I walk into a room like this,
我不知道是否有人因为我儿子的所作所为
I never know if someone therehas experienced loss
遭受了伤害
because of what my son did.
我感到有必要
I feel a need to acknowledge
由我无法到场的家庭成员
the suffering caused by a member of my family
为他本人所造成的伤害作出赔偿
who isn’t here to do it for himself.
所以首先
So first, with all of my heart,
我真心感到抱歉 如果我的儿子对你造成了伤害
I’m sorry if my son has caused you pain.
第二项挑战是
The second challenge I have is
谈起我儿子的自杀时
that I must ask for understanding and even compassion
我必须要恳求理解或同情
when I talk aboutmy son’s death as a suicide.
在自杀前的两年
Two years before he died,
他在笔记本的一页写道
he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook
他曾割伤过自己
that he was cutting himself.
他说自己很苦恼
He said that he was in agony
想要拿把枪结束自己的生命
and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.
直到他死后的数月我才知道这些
I didn’t know about any of this until months after his death.
我谈论他的自杀身亡
When I talk about his death as a suicide,
并不是想淡化他在生命的最后
I’m not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed
所表现出的邪恶
at the end of his life.
我在尝试弄懂他自杀的念头怎么导致谋杀的
I’m trying to understand how his suicidal thinking led to murder.
在大量阅读并与专家沟通后
After a lot of readingand talking with experts,
我已经开始相信 他参与枪击
I have come to believe that his involvement
不是植根于想杀人的欲望
in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill
而是求死的欲望
but in his desire to die.
谈论儿子杀人后自杀的行为时面临的第三个挑战
The third challenge I have when I talk about my son’s murder-suicide
就是谈论心理健康
is that I’m talking about mental health —
对不起 是为了讨论心理健康
excuse me — is that I’m talking about mental health,
或者说脑健康 我更倾向于后者
or brain health, as I prefer to call it,
因为它更具体
because it’s more concrete.
同时 我也在谈论暴力
And in the same breath,I’m talking about violence.
我想做的最后一件事是
The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding
消除早已存在的对精神疾病的误解
that already exists around mental illness.
只有非常小部分精神病患者
Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness
对其他人有暴力倾向
are violent toward other people,
但在自杀人群中
but of those who die by suicide,
估计要有75%到超过90%
it’s estimated that about 75to maybe more than 90 percent
患有可诊断的心理健康问题
have a diagnosablemental health condition of some kind.
大家都很清楚
As you all know very well,
我们的精神健康系统并不具备帮助每个人的能力
our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,
并不是所有有破坏想法的人
and not everyone with destructive thoughts
都符合特定诊断的标准
fits the criteria for a specific diagnosis.
许多有持续的恐惧感或愤怒感或无助感的人
Many who have ongoing feelings of fear or anger or hopelessness
从未接受过评估或治疗
are never assessed or treated.
通常 只有达到行为危机时 他们才会引起我们的注意
Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.
如果估算正确
If estimates are correct
大学有1%到2%的自杀者
that about oneto two percent of all suicides
涉及到谋杀另一个人
involves the murder of another person,
自杀率升高时 如同它们提高了某些人口的自杀率一样
when suicide rates rise,as they are rising for some populations,
杀人后又自杀的比率也升高了
the murder-suicide rateswill rise as well.
我想要弄懂
I wanted to understand what was going on
狄伦死前在想些什么
in Dylan’s mind prior to his death,
于是我从枪击案的其他幸存者那里寻求答案
so I looked for answersfrom other survivors of suicide loss.
我做了调查并且自愿帮助筹款活动
I did research and volunteeredto help with fund-raising events,
只要我可以
and whenever I could,
我就与那些有自杀危机或尝试自杀的人进行交谈
I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis or attempt.
我经历过最有帮助的一次谈话
One of the most helpfulconversations I had
是和无意中听到我和别人在办公室隔间谈话的同事
was with a coworker who overheard me talking to someone else in my office cubicle.
她听到我说 “如果狄伦能做出如此可怕的事
She heard me saythat Dylan could not have loved me
那他不可能爱我”
if he could do somethingas horrible as he did.
后来 她单独找到我
Later,when she found me alone,
她对无意听到那次谈话表示道歉
she apologized for overhearing that conversation,
但她告诉我我错了
but told me that I was wrong.
她说自己还是个有三个孩子的年轻的单身母亲时
She said that when she wasa young, single mother with three small children,
患上了严重的抑郁症 为安全起见被送进了医院
she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.
那时她坚信 自己死了 孩子们会生活的更好
At the time, she was certain that her children would be better off if she died,
所以她打算结束自己的生命
so she had made a plan to end her life.
她向我保证 母亲的爱是地球上最强大的纽带
She assured me that a mother’s love was the strongest bond on Earth,
她爱她的孩子们胜过世上任何东西
and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,
但正是由于她的疾病
but because of her illness,
她确信没了她 孩子们才会更好
she was sure that theywould be better off without her.
她所说的和我从别人那里学到的就是
What she said and whatI’ve learned from others
我们不要做出所谓的决定或选择去自杀
is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice to die by suicide
就像星期六晚上 我们选择开哪辆车或者去哪儿
in the same way that we choose what car to drive or where to go on a Saturday night.
当某人处于极度想自杀的状态时
When someone isin an extremely suicidal state,
他们正处于第四阶段医疗卫生紧急状态
they are in a stage fourmedical health emergency.
他们的思维受损且无法有效进行自我管理
Their thinking is impaired and they’ve lost access to tools of self-governance.
即使他们能够有逻辑地计划和付诸行动
Even though they canmake a plan and act with logic,
他们的真实感
their sense of truthis distorted by a filter of pain
被用以解释现实的痛苦过滤器所扭曲
through which theyinterpret their reality.
有些人能够很好地隐藏这种状态
Some people can be very goodat hiding this state,
他们经常有很好的理由这么做
and they often havegood reasons for doing that.
我们中很多人在某一瞬间都有自杀的念头
Many of us havesuicidal thoughts at some point,
但是顽固的 持续性的自杀的念头
but persistent,ongoing thoughts of suicide
并且设计一种方法去死
and devising a means to die
才是症状的病理
are symptoms of pathology,
像许多疾病
and like many illnesses,
这种症状必须在失去生命前得到确认和治疗
the condition has to be recognized and treated before a life is lost.
但是我儿子的死并不完全是自杀
But my son’s deathwas not purely a suicide.
它涉及到屠杀
It involved mass murder.
我想知道他自杀的想法怎么变成杀人的
I wanted to know how hissuicidal thinking became homicidal.
但是研究很少 并且没有简单的答案
But research is sparseand there are no simple answers.
是的 他可能有持续的抑郁症
Yes,he probably had ongoing depression.
他的性格是完美主义和自我依赖
He had a personalitythat was perfectionistic and self-reliant,
这导致他不太可能向他人寻求帮助
and that made him less likelyto seek help from others.
他曾在学校经历过应激事件
He had experiencedtriggering events at the school
这让他感到屈辱和抓狂
that left him feelingdebased and humiliated and mad.
他和一个分享愤怒和精神错乱感觉的男生
And he had a complicated friendship
有段复杂的友谊
with a boy who shared his feelingsof rage and alienation,
我儿子受到严重的影响
and who was seriously disturbed,
变得控制欲强和杀气腾腾
controlling and homicidal.
在他这段人生中精神极度脆弱的时间
And on top of this period in his life of extreme vulnerability and fragility,
即使我们家里没有枪
Dylan found access to guns
狄伦还是弄到了
even though we’d neverowned any in our home.
如此容易就让17岁的男孩买到枪
It was appallingly easyfor a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,
不管合不合法 都不在我的同意和知情下
both legally and illegally,without my permission or knowledge.
17年间 随后又发生了很多校园枪击案
And somehow, 17 yearsand many school shootings later,
不知为何 得到枪支仍然很容易
it’s still appallingly easy.
那天狄伦所做的伤透了我的心
What Dylan did that day broke my heart,
而且像伤口一样经常发作
and as trauma so often does,
这对我的身心都造成了伤害
it took a toll on my body and on my mind.
枪击案两年后 我得了乳腺癌
Two years after the shootings,I got breast cancer,
又过了两年 我开始有心理健康问题
and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.
通常情况下
On top of the constant, perpetual grief
当面对被狄伦杀害的受害人的家人时
I was terrified that I would runinto a family member of someone Dylan had killed,
或被新闻记者采访 或面对愤怒的民众时 我会感到害怕
or be accosted by the press or by an angry citizen.
我会害怕看新闻
I was afraid to turn on the news,
害怕听到被叫做糟糕的母亲或者讨厌的人
afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.
我患上了无端恐惧症
I started having panic attacks.
第一次发作在枪击案的四年后
The first bout startedfour years after the shootings,
准备口供
when I was getting readyfor the depositions
和受害者家属会面的时候
and would have to meetthe victims’ families face to face.
第二次发作在枪击案发生的六年后
The second round startedsix years after the shootings,
当我第一次准备在一次会议上
when I was preparingto speak publicly about murder-suicide
公开讨论谋杀式自杀时
for the first time at a conference.
这两次发作持续了数周
Both episodes lasted several weeks.
症状随时随地可能发生:
The attacks happened everywhere:
在五金店 在我办公室
in the hardware store, in my office,
甚至在床上看书的时候
or even while reading a book in bed.
我的大脑会突然陷入这个旋转的恐怖循环当中
My mind would suddenly lockinto this spinning cycle of terror
无论我怎么努力尝试
and no matter how I hard I tried
使自己平静下来 或者想办法摆脱它
to calm myself downor reason my way out of it,
我都做不到
I couldn’t do it.
这感觉就像我的大脑要杀了我
It felt as if my brainwas trying to kill me,
然后 害怕恐惧
and then, being afraid of being afraid
吞噬我的思想
consumed all of my thoughts.
那是我第一次认识到
That’s when I learned firsthand what it feels
大脑出故障时的感受
like to have a malfunctioning mind,
那也是我真正成为大脑健康倡导者的时候
and that’s when I trulybecame a brain health advocate.
通过治疗 药物和自我护理
With therapy and medication and self-care,
在这种状况下 生活最终回归正常
life eventually returned to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.
回首往事
When I looked backon all that had happened,
我看得出来我儿子的螺旋式功能障碍
I could see that my son’sspiral into dysfunction
可能就发生在两年时间里
probably occurredover a period of about two years,
我们有充足的时间帮助他
plenty of time to get him help,
只要有人知道他需要帮助 知道要做什么
if only someone had known that he needed help and known what to do.
每次有人问我
Every time someone asks me,
“你怎么可能不知道?”
“How could you not have known?”,
这感觉就像一拳打在肚子上
it feels like a punch in the gut.
这带给我指责并植根于我的愧疚感
It carries accusationand taps into my feelings of guilt
不管我接受多少治疗 都永远无法完全根除
that no matter how much therapy I’ve had I will never fully eradicate.
但是我也学到了一些东西:
But here’s something I’ve learned:
如果有足够多的爱让想自杀的人停止伤害自己
if love were enough to stop someone who is suicidal
那么自杀就几乎不会发生
from hurting themselves, suicides would hardly ever happen.
但是爱不够的话 自杀就很普遍
But love is not enough, and suicide is prevalent.
这是导致年龄在10到34岁人死亡的第二大因素
It’s the second leading cause of death for people age 10 to 34,
在过去的一年里
and 15 percent of American youth
有15%的美国年轻人表示制定了自杀计划
report having made a suicide plan in the last year.
无论我们多么希望相信自己能做到
I’ve learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,
也不可能知道或控制所爱之人的全部想法和感受
we cannot know or control everything our loved ones think and feel,
固执地认为我们有些不同
and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,
我们所爱之人永远不会去伤害他们自己或其他人
that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves or someone else
会导致我们忽视显而易见的东西
can cause us to miss what’s hidden in plain sight.
如果最坏的情况真的发生了
And if worst case scenariosdo come to pass,
我们必须学会原谅自己的不知情
we’ll have to learnto forgive ourselves for not knowing
或者是没有问对问题
or for not asking the right questions
或者是没有找到正确的治疗方式
or not finding the right treatment.
我们应总是假设所爱之人正在遭受折磨
We should always assume that someone we love may be suffering,
不管他们说什么或者怎么表现
regardless of what they say or how they act.
我们应该全心倾听
We should listen with our whole being,
不加判断 不要提供方案
without judgments, and without offering solutions.
我知道我将生活在这次惨案的阴影中
I know that I will live with this tragedy,
带着这些多重悲剧度过余生
with these multiple tragedies, for the rest of my life.
我知道在许多人眼中
I know that in the minds of many,
我所损失的无法和其他家庭相比
what I lost can’t compare to what the other families lost.
我知道我的努力没有让他们好受一些
I know my struggledoesn’t make theirs any easier.
我知道甚至有人认为
I know there are even some who think
我没有痛苦的权利
I don’t have the right to any pain,
只有永远赎罪的生活
but only to a life of permanent penance.
最后我把我所知道的归纳为一点:
In the end what I know comes down to this:
可悲的事实是
the tragic fact is
即使是我们当中最警觉和最负责任的人
that even the most vigilant and responsible of us
也可能无能为力 但为了爱
may not be able to help, but for love’s sake,
我们永远不能停止 对未知事物的探索
we must never stop trying to know the unknowable.
谢谢
Thank you.
掌声
(Applause)

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视频概述

美国频繁发生校园枪击案,到底是什么原因造成悲剧的发生?通过本视频,从一个枪击案凶手母亲的角度,分析其中的原因,找到答案。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

xd

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXlnrFpCu0c

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