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Love And Self-Love

爱上别人的一个重大而有些奇怪的危险是 我们在对方开始回馈你的爱时
One of the great and slightly strange dangers of falling in love with someone is how we
会如何反应 我们会爱上别人的原因之一
may respond the day they start to love us back. Some of the reasons we fall in love
是我们期望逃离自己 而进入另一个人的怀抱
with people is because we long to escape from ourselves into the embrace of a person who
他在我们眼中是漂亮 完美且有才华的 而我们认为自己是有缺点 愚蠢和平庸的
appears as beautiful, perfect and accomplished as we feel ourselves to be flawed, dumb and
但是 如果这样的对方 有一天突然转过身爱上我们怎么办
mediocre. But what if such a being were one day turn around and love us back? Nothing
这将会让他们形象迅速陨落 他们不再是我们想像中那般神圣了
could discredit them faster. How could they be as divine as we’d hoped for when they have
就是因为他们认可了我们这样的人 事实证明良好关系的核心要求是
the bad taste to approve of someone like us? It turns out that one of the central requirements
对自己有一定程度的爱 这种爱是逐年积累起来的
of a good relationship is a degree of affection for ourselves; built up over the years, largely
主要建立于儿童时代 我们需要接受被爱指导 使我们
in childhood. We need a legacy of being deserving of love in order not to respond very obtusely
不至于在面对成年伙伴向我们表达爱意时反应迟钝 如果爱自己不够多
to the affections granted to us by adult partners. Without a decent amount of self-love, the
会觉得对方的爱令人生厌且难以理解 我们将会自暴自弃地
love of another person will always prove sickening and misguided – and we will self-destructively
尽管是无意识地 开始反抗和失望 如果我们经常认为
– though unconsciously – set out to repel or disappoint it. It will simply feel more
自己被别人讨厌和忽视 则会觉得这正常 最终坦然接受
normal and therefore comfortable to be disliked or ignored when that is mostly what we have
如果我们不完全确信自己是被人喜爱的 那么接受这份爱
known. If we are not wholly convinced of our own lovability, receiving affection can appear
like being bestowed a prize for an accomplishment we don’t feel we ever earned. People unfortunate
如果很不幸地爱上了一个自我否定型的人 就必须在遇到因假意逢合对方导致的争吵时振作起来
enough to fall in love with self-hating types must brace themselves for the recriminations
Groucho Marx曾说过一则旧笑话 有人不愿意
due to false flatterers. There is an old joke made by Groucho Marx about not deigning
加入会接纳他为会员的俱乐部 与Marxist一样 我们都笑话他
to belong to a club that would accept someone like him as a member. We laugh at the Marxist
position because of its absurd contradictions: how is it possible that we should both wish
希望加入俱乐部 又在愿望成真的时候拒绝它呢 为什么我们不能
to join a club, and yet lose that wish as soon as it comes true? Why wouldn’t we just
愉快地接受我们成为俱乐部会员的事实呢 答案源于自我否定 因为
be happy to have been allowed into this club? The answer lies in self-hatred; because for
对很多人来说 被一个优秀的俱乐部纳为会员并不是
many of us, being accepted into a grand and beautiful club doesn’t feel like what our
我们大脑潜意识里能接受的 既然俱乐部接纳了我们
inner psyches have been shaped to accept. We wonder how we can continue to believe in
那我们该如何继续信任俱乐部 或者说作为被爱者该如何接受对方的爱
a club, or indeed a beloved now that they believe in us. There is usually a troubling
在每段关系中都有一个令人不安的Marxist时刻 显然
Marxist moment in every relationship, a moment when it becomes clear that love is going to
爱终将得到答复 而我们也不能仅仅远远地仰慕对方而不相互关心
be reciprocated; that we won’t simply admire someone from afar without hope of mutuality.
这种危机的解决方法取决于 我们个性中爱自己多一点还是自我否定多一点
The way the crisis is resolved depends on the balance between self-love and self-hatred in our own characters. If self-hatred
如果自我否定比重更大 被爱的人会告诉对方 自己
gains the upper hand, then the one who is being loved back will declare that the beloved
(以某种借口或其他理由)配不上他 (至少自己消极地认为自己不够好)
(on some excuse or other) is just not good enough for them (not good enough by virtue of associating
但如果爱自己的比重更大 那么双方都会觉得
with no-goods). But if self-love gains the upper hand, then both partners may accept
爱被回应并不意味着被爱的人不优秀 而表明
that seeing their love reciprocated is not proof of how low the beloved is, but instead of how
他所表现出的自己多么受人喜爱 事实表明
lovable they have themselves turned out to be. It emerges that knowing how to love
ourselves a little can be one of the kindest and therefore most romantic things we can
ever learn to do for our partners.







Mr dark