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我生活在社交恐惧症的阴影里

LIVING WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY [lęk społeczny]

I’m not very good with people.
我不怎么擅长跟人交往
If you don’t start a conversation, we won’t have one.
如果你不先开口 那么我们之间不会有交流
You ever heard of the idea
你曾经听说过
that if you tell a lie big enough,
如果你撒了一个大谎
and keep repeating it, people will eventually believe it?
并不断重复 人们最终会信以为真这种说法吧?
“She’s just shy, she’ll grow out of it.
“她只是害羞 长大了就不这样了”
” This, was my lie.
这 就是我的谎言
So I kept waiting for the day I would finally be able to show my true colors,
我一直在等有一天可以展现真实的本色
without the fear of being judged.
而不必担心别人的评判
But that day… never came.
但是这一天……没有到来
Remember that quiet kid in your class,
还记得你班上那个沉默的孩子吗
the one that used to sit in the very back
那个经常坐在角落
and never raised their hand.
从不举手的孩子
Yeah,that’s me. Always too scared to speak up.
没错 那就是我 总是太害怕而不敢发言
Fighting my battles inside my head.
内心挣扎着
And losing each and every one of them.
然后一次也没有成功
A couple years later, not much has changed.
就这样 几年以后 也没有多大的改进
What you’re are about to witness may seem funny,
你接下来看到的东西或许很好笑
until you realise how tragic it actually is.
但之后你会知道 事实上这是多么的可悲
Social anxiety doesn’t just ruin your life.
社交焦虑不仅会毁了你的生活
It stops you from living it at all.
还会阻碍你正常地生活
Self-consciousness on steroids. That’s the perfect description.
强烈的自我意识 这是一个完美的描述
My life seems quite normal on the surface
我的生活表面上看起来很正常
so I don’t think anybody knows.
所以我想没有人知道真实状况
But my world is black and white.
但是我的世界是黑白的
Everything I do has got to be perfect,
我做任何事都力求完美
because if I make a mistake,
因为如果我犯错了
people will remember it, judge and laugh until I die.
人们就会记住它 批评它和嘲笑它 直到我死去
At least, that’s how I see it.
至少 我是这么觉得的
All the little things you take
所有你认为的
for granted make me extremely nervous,
理所当然的小事都会让我非常紧张
so I end up sweaty, blushing, with a shaky voice and a blank mind.
所以我会出汗 脸红 说话结巴 大脑一片空白
I have no idea how to operate small talk,
我不知道怎么跟人闲聊
so I practice for an hour in front
所以在点咖啡之前
of the mirror before I order a coffee.
我会在镜子前面练一个小时
But you can’t just shut yourself in.
但是你不能把自己封闭起来
You’re an adult now and a living is not going to make itself.
因为你已经是个成年人了 需要自己养活自己
It’s hard to get and keep a job though,
现在找份儿工作并保住它很难
because it always involves human interaction.
因为这总会涉及人与人之间的交流
So I usually give up halfway through,
因此我经常半途而废
because I can’t even enter a room full of people,
因为我连走进一个满是人的房间都怕
let alone talk to them.
更别提和他们说话了
besides talking to authority figures is terrifying
另外 跟领导讲话也很可怕
so most of the time I subconsciously want to be late
所以很多次我潜意识里想要迟到
so that I can avoid the meeting altogether.
那样就可以躲开全体会议
Now,you probably already guessed my love life is not exactly thrilling.
现在 你或许已经猜到我的爱情不怎么让人兴奋了
Every time I agree to go out, I instantly regret it,
每次我答应出去 就会立刻后悔
wishing I was back in my comfortable bed.
希望回到我舒服的床上
And before I leave the house,
在我离开家前
I practice all the different conversations that might take place.
我会练习各种可能发生的对话
The meeting itself is just a bunch
这个约会本身就是
of uncomfortable silences and some serious wall admiring.
在封闭的空间里让人不舒服的沉默
And in the end I get completely wasted because it helps with anxiety.
最后我完全喝醉了 因为酒可以缓解我的焦虑
The problem is, I talk nonsense when I’m drunk.
问题是 我喝醉就会胡言乱语
So the next day,
所以第二天
you wake up in terror, overanalyze your perfomance
你就在恐惧中醒来 过度解读自己的表现
and identify non-existent flaws.
还找出并不存在的缺点
And after an hour of going through each and every detail of what happened,
并且接下来的一小时 都在回想昨天发生的每个细节
you decide he probably hates you.
并最终觉得他可能会讨厌你
And then he calls.
之后他打来电话
It’s a call you will not answer and you’ll try hard to avoid the guy,
你不敢接并想尽办法躲着他
because you really like him… Which makes no sense, I know.
因为你真的喜欢他……我知道 这讲不通
The most frustrating part is that I know I’m being irrational.
最让人沮丧的是 我知道这是荒缪的
Now,isn’t it funny how.
现在 是不是觉得很好笑
Those who are terrified of human interaction
那些害怕人际交流
are still more attentive than others?
会比不害怕人际交流的人更专心吗?
I think people can tell we really listen instead of just
我觉得别人可以看出我们是真的在倾听 而不仅仅是
staring blankly into the void, waiting for our turn to speak.
呆呆地盯着空白处 等着轮到自己开腔
Maybe that’s why I keep attracting weirdos,
或许这就是我不断吸引奇怪的人
and end up in extremely awkward situations.
最终陷入极其尴尬的境地的原因吧
I mean, I know it’s 2017 but that:
我的意思是 我知道是2017年了 但是:
“I save my used dried out contacts in a baby food jar”
“我把用过晒干的隐形眼镜放在婴儿食品罐里”
is not a casual first liner, is it.
不是随便的第一层 而是它
Lesson learned, never take your headphones off in public.
经验教训 不要在公共场合拿下你的耳机
I have to admit though I’m not a complete outcast.
我不得不承认 虽然我没有完全被抛弃
But I don’t think my friends understand my social anxiety very well.
但是我不觉得 我的朋友非常理解我的社交焦虑
I guess I come off as uninterested or rude,
我猜可能是我表现得很冷淡或粗鲁吧
but in reality,
但事实上
I’m just too terrified to speak.
我只是因为太害怕而不知道怎么去说话
I try my best though, because alone can turn into lonely pretty fast.
虽然我尽了最大努力 但孤独还是很快变成了寂寞
So I lie there, all dressed up,
所以我盛装打扮 躺在那里
trying to remember how humans work before I leave the house.
试图在出门前记住 人们是怎么做的
And every single time, I know I can’t stay,
每一次 我都知道我不能那样待着
but I don’t know how to leave.
但是我不知道如何走出去
And all I’m left with in that moment is… art.
而我在那一刻剩下的就是……艺术
Art allows you to gift-wrap your feelings with words and images
艺术让你用图片和文字表达自己的感情
so that you can hand them over for public consumption
这样你就可以把它们交给公众消费
without any personal judgement.
没有任何个人的判断
Nobody needs to know that this one might be about you.
没有人需要知道这个或许是关于你的
Now,you may be wondering
现在 你可能想知道
if there’s anything you can do about it,
是否有什么事情是你可以做的
and the answer is locked away in one simple word:
答案是非常简单的一个词:
therapy.
治疗
You build up your hopes, you try your best,
你充满希望 尽力去改变
and then you… fall apart.
但后来你……崩溃了
Days pass before you finally manage to pick up the pieces
时间一天天过去 最终你设法收拾残局
and clumsily put them together.
你笨拙地把它们组合在一起
Each time a part of you gets lost
每次你失去一部分自己
and you know you’re never getting it back.
你就知道再也回不去了
But I let that which does not matter, truly slide.
但是我让那些无关紧要的 真正地溜走了
Because I know
因为我知道
that with every piece I loose along the way,
在我失去的每一件东西的过程中
a new, better one will always fill that empty space.
一个新的 更好的东西总会填补那个空白
And even though I’m not there yet,
尽管我还没有做到
I know there will come a day,
但我知道总有一天
when I’m the one in charge.
我将成为掌控者

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视频概述

你是否有社交恐惧症,害怕在很多人面前讲话,不知道如何跟别人交谈等等,听听作者的经历,看看这是不是另一个你呢

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

池chauncy一

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KkObSWyhYc

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