Have you every had to breakyour family’s rules? Today,
I’m breaking mine,
around money, secrecy and shame.
In 2006, on my brother Keith’s40th birthday, he called. “Tam,
I’m in dire straits.
I wouldn’t ask unless I had to.
Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?”
This wasn’t the first timehe needed quick cash,
but this time, his voice frightened me.
I had never heard himso beaten down and shameful,
and it was on his 40th birthday.
After a few basic questionsthat we would all ask,
I agreed to loan him the money,but under one condition:
that as the financialprofessional in the family,
I wanted to meet
with him and his wife to see what was really happening.
Weeks later, we metat the local Starbucks,
and I started right inwith the tough-love budget conversation.
“You should sell the house,downsize to something you can afford,
sell the toys.
Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee.”
You know, all the trappings
that we do to keep up with the Joneses. Quickly,
my brother and his wife went
into a fearsome blame game,
and it got messy.
I vacillated between therapistand pissed-off sister.
I wanted them to be better than this.
“拜托了 两位 别再瞎搞了
“Come on, you two. Get your shit together.
Grow up and buck up.”
After we left, I called my mom,
but Keith beat me to it,
and he told her that I wasn’t helpful.
事实上 他很受伤 觉得大家都联手对付他
In fact, he was hurtand felt ganged-up on.
Of course he did.
I shamed himwith my tough-love budget conversation.
Two months went by when I received a call. “Tam?
I have bad news.
Keith committed suicide last night.”
几天后 在他家 我去寻找答案
Days later, at his home,I went looking for answers,
in his”office” — the garage. There,
I found a stackof overdue credit card bills
and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.
My brother left behindhis beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
his brilliant 18-year-old son,weeks before his high school graduation,
and his wife of 20 years.
How did this happen?
My brother was caughtin our family’s money-shame cycle,
and he was far from alone in this.
Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64
have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
近40%的死亡 出现失业 破产
Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures
were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,
with white middle-aged menaccounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
What I’ve learned
is that our self-destructiveand self-defeating financial behaviors
并不是由理性 逻辑的大脑所控制 反之
are not drivenby our rational, logical minds. Instead,
they are a productof our subconscious belief systems
rooted in our childhoods
and so deeply ingrained in us,
they shape the way that we deal
with money our entire adult lives,
and so many of you are left believingthat you’re lazy,
crazy or stupid — or just bad with money.
This is what I call money shame. Dr.
Brené Brown,a well-known shame researcher,
defines shame as”the intenselypainful feeling or experience
of believing that we are flawed,
and therefore unworthyof love and belonging.”
Based on this definition,here’s how I’m defining money shame:
“the intensely painfulfeeling or experience
of believing that we are flawed,
and therefore unworthyof love and belonging,
based on our bank account balances,
我们的负债 我们的房子 我们的车子
our debts, our homes, our cars
and our job titles.”
Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.
I believe that we all have money shame,
whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
and it’s because we give money all of our power.
Here’s what it would look like if someone that you love,
might have money shame.
They play the big shot,always picking up the check,
financially rescuing family and friends.
They are financially secure,
but they live in a stateof chronic not-enoughness.
They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda.
And they’re looking good at every cost.
I know that we can break free
from the grips of money shame,
because I did.
Shortly after my brother’s death,the Recession hit.
我失去了我的事业 面临破产 私底下
I lost my business and faced bankruptcy. Secretly,
I was terrified.
I stayed in my home for a year,
thinking I did something wrong,
told myself,”What did you do?What happened?”
I stayed silent, while all along,I went outside and smiled.
That’s money shame.
So what I had to do
was let go of the grip that I had
on knowing all the answers.
I was the know-it-all in my family,
and I had to give up the idea
that a new financial plan
was the solution.
And so just like everythingin my life, for me,
I was sent a human to help,
and I accepted the help,
but I had to do major self-inquiry
about my family’s money history
and my money beliefs.
We have to start having this conversation.
Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
We have to get honest with each other
that we’re suffering with money issues,
and let’s get real — we have to stop numbing out our pain.
In order to uncover the painful parts
of your money storyand your money history,
you can’t be numb.
We have to let go of our past in order to be free.
Letting go of the pasthappens through surrender,
faith and forgiveness.
Debt is the tangible manifestationof not forgiving.
If you have debt, you’ve notcompletely forgiven your past,
so it’s our workto forgive ourselves and others
so that we can live freely. Otherwise,
our historywill continue to repeat.
This is not a quick fix,
and I know we all want one,
but it’s a slow wake-up.
This is another level of work.
We have to go higher to get it,
to get at it.
So try this: follow your dollars.
Your money will show youright away what you value.
Where’s it going?
And then ask yourself:Do I really value all this stuff?
And get curious aboutwhat you’re feeling when you’re spending.
Are you lonely?
Are you bored?
Or are you just excited?
But there’s deeper workthat needs to happen.
How did you get all thesemoney beliefs to begin with?
I call this your money autobiography,
and as a money coach,
this is the first step I take with my clients.
Think back to your earliestchildhood money memory.
What did it feel like when you got money?
你是很兴奋 很骄傲 还是很困惑？
Were you excited, proud or confused?
And what did you do with the money?
Did you run with the candy store,
or did you run to the bank?
And what did you hear your parents say,
and what did you seeyour parents do with the money?
My brother and I heard,
“More money will make us happy.”
“More money will make us happy.”
And we internalized that into the money belief
that our self worth was equal to our net worth
as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.
And she numbed the painwith sugar and shopping.
So what did we do?
Keith played out my mother’s life.
He was an underearner,longed to be financially rescued,
and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
I did the opposite.
I became a high earner, rescuer,
and I numbed the pain outwith self-help books.
But what we had in commonwas our money belief.
We both believedthat our bank account balance
was equal to our self worth.
Looking back at the Starbucksmeeting with my brother…
he didn’t need a budget and my judgment.
He needed a breakthrough from his suffering,
and he needed my compassion.
Keith was not ableto be the one to speak up
and break our family money shame cycle,
so he left me to do the work and share his legacy.
改变很难 但在我家中 不改变反而会致命
Change is difficult, but in my family, not changing is fatal.
So I did the work,
and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,
and as I stand here today,
I am living on purpose,
I serve, and money serves me.
It only takes one person in your family
to break through the money-shame cycle.
I want you to be the one.