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让我们坦诚的交流财务问题

Let's get honest about our money problems | Tammy Lally

你们是否曾经必须要打破家规?今天
Have you every had to breakyour family’s rules? Today,
我要打破我的家规
I’m breaking mine,
关于金钱 秘密以及羞耻心的家规
around money, secrecy and shame.
2006年 我哥哥基斯在他40岁生日的那一天打电话来“塔米
In 2006, on my brother Keith’s40th birthday, he called. “Tam,
我的状况非常糟糕
I’m in dire straits.
不到必要关头 我不会问的
I wouldn’t ask unless I had to.
我能否跟你借7500美金?”
Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?”
这并不是他第一次急需现金
This wasn’t the first timehe needed quick cash,
但这一次 他的声音吓着了我
but this time, his voice frightened me.
我从来没有听过他这么潦倒 羞愧的声音
I had never heard himso beaten down and shameful,
而且那天是他40岁生日
and it was on his 40th birthday.
问了几个大家通常会问的基本问题之后
After a few basic questionsthat we would all ask,
我同意借他钱 但有一个条件:
I agreed to loan him the money,but under one condition:
身为家中的财务专家
that as the financialprofessional in the family,
我想要和他
I wanted to meet
及他太太见面了解真正的状况
with him and his wife to see what was really happening.
几周之后 我们在当地的星巴克里见面
Weeks later, we metat the local Starbucks,
我一开始就谈起“严苛的爱”生活预算
and I started right inwith the tough-love budget conversation.
“你应该卖掉房子 换成能负担的小房子
“You should sell the house,downsize to something you can afford,
把玩具卖掉
sell the toys.
至于星巴克呢?
And Starbucks?
放弃每天5美金的咖啡”
Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee.”
你知道的 所有
You know, all the trappings
为了和别人比较而做的虚饰 很快地
that we do to keep up with the Joneses. Quickly,
我哥哥和他太太就开始了
my brother and his wife went
可怕的怪罪比赛
into a fearsome blame game,
场面很难看
and it got messy.
我在治疗师和被惹毛的妹妹这两个身份之间游走
I vacillated between therapistand pissed-off sister.
我希望他们做得比现在这样更好
I wanted them to be better than this.
“拜托了 两位 别再瞎搞了
“Come on, you two. Get your shit together.
你们是父母
You’re parents.
成熟一点 振作一点”
Grow up and buck up.”
我们离开后 我打电话给我母亲
After we left, I called my mom,
但基斯比我快了一步
but Keith beat me to it,
他跟我母亲说我都不帮忙
and he told her that I wasn’t helpful.
事实上 他很受伤 觉得大家都联手对付他
In fact, he was hurtand felt ganged-up on.
他当然会有这种反应
Of course he did.
我用那段严苛的爱生活预算谈话来羞辱他
I shamed himwith my tough-love budget conversation.
两个月之后 我接到一个电话“塔米
Two months went by when I received a call. “Tam?
我有个坏消息
I have bad news.
基斯昨晚自杀了”
Keith committed suicide last night.”
几天后 在他家 我去寻找答案
Days later, at his home,I went looking for answers,
我进到了他的“办公室”——车库
in his”office” — the garage. There,
我找到了一叠到期未付的信用卡账单
I found a stackof overdue credit card bills
还有他过世当天收到的一份丧失抵押品赎回权通知
and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.
我哥哥留下了一个美丽的10岁女儿
My brother left behindhis beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
一个聪明的18岁的儿子 几周后就要高中毕业
his brilliant 18-year-old son,weeks before his high school graduation,
还有结婚20周年的太太
and his wife of 20 years.
这是怎么发生的?
How did this happen?
我哥哥陷入了我家的“金钱羞耻”循环中
My brother was caughtin our family’s money-shame cycle,
且他并不是唯一的一个人
and he was far from alone in this.
从1999年开始 40岁到64岁的成人
Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64
自杀率上升了近40%
have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
近40%的死亡 出现失业 破产
Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures
和丧失抵押品赎回权的状况
were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,
十个自杀者当中就有7个是中年白人
with white middle-aged menaccounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
我们发现
What I’ve learned
我们的自我毁灭和自取灭亡的财务行为
is that our self-destructiveand self-defeating financial behaviors
并不是由理性 逻辑的大脑所控制 反之
are not drivenby our rational, logical minds. Instead,
这些行为是我们潜意识信息系统的产物
they are a productof our subconscious belief systems
深根于我们的童年
rooted in our childhoods
在我们体内非常根深蒂固
and so deeply ingrained in us,
塑造了我们在整个
they shape the way that we deal
成年期中处理金钱的方式
with money our entire adult lives,
所以 许多人就会相信自己是懒惰
and so many of you are left believingthat you’re lazy,
疯了或愚蠢 或只是不擅长处理钱财
crazy or stupid — or just bad with money.
这就是我所谓的金钱羞耻
This is what I call money shame. Dr.
布芮尼·布朗博士是一位著名的羞耻心研究者
Brené Brown,a well-known shame researcher,
她把羞耻定义为“极度痛苦的感觉或经验”
defines shame as”the intenselypainful feeling or experience
相信我们有瑕疵
of believing that we are flawed,
因此不值得被爱及有所归属
and therefore unworthyof love and belonging.”
根据这个定义 我把金钱羞耻心定义如下:
Based on this definition,here’s how I’m defining money shame:
“极度痛苦的感觉或经验
“the intensely painfulfeeling or experience
相信我们有瑕疵
of believing that we are flawed,
因此不值得被爱及有所归属
and therefore unworthyof love and belonging,
依据的是我们的银行账户余额
based on our bank account balances,
我们的负债 我们的房子 我们的车子
our debts, our homes, our cars
以及我们的工作头衔”
and our job titles.”
让我举几个例子来说明我的意思吧
Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.
我相信我们都有金钱羞耻
I believe that we all have money shame,
不论你的年收入是一万美金或一千万美金
whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
原因是我们把所有的权力都交给金钱
and it’s because we give money all of our power.
如果你所爱的人或是你本身
Here’s what it would look like if someone that you love,
有金钱羞耻的话
or you,
看起来会是这个样子的:
might have money shame.
他们会装作是大人物 总是要当付钱的人
They play the big shot,always picking up the check,
在财务上去拯救家人和朋友
financially rescuing family and friends.
他们在财务上是安全的
They are financially secure,
却长期都处于不够的状态
but they live in a stateof chronic not-enoughness.
他们开奔驰车 但预算其实只负担得起本田
They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda.
他们会不计代价想让自己看起来很棒
And they’re looking good at every cost.
我知道我们可以脱离
I know that we can break free
金钱羞耻的掌心
from the grips of money shame,
因为我就做过
because I did.
在我哥哥过世后不久 发生经济衰退
Shortly after my brother’s death,the Recession hit.
我失去了我的事业 面临破产 私底下
I lost my business and faced bankruptcy. Secretly,
我害怕极了
I was terrified.
我待在我家里一整年
I stayed in my home for a year,
认为是我做错了什么事
thinking I did something wrong,
我问自己“你做了什么?发生了什么事”
told myself,”What did you do?What happened?”
我保持沉默 但我一直都会走到外面对大家微笑
I stayed silent, while all along,I went outside and smiled.
没有人知道
Nobody knew.
那就是金钱羞耻
That’s money shame.
我必须要放下
So what I had to do
不能再觉得
was let go of the grip that I had
我知道所有的答案
on knowing all the answers.
在我家 我就是那个什么都知道的人
I was the know-it-all in my family,
我的要放弃
and I had to give up the idea
认为新的财务计划
that a new financial plan
就是解决方案的想法
was the solution.
所以 就像我人生中的一切一样
And so just like everythingin my life, for me,
有个人来帮我
I was sent a human to help,
而我接受了那帮助
and I accepted the help,
但我得做重要的自我反省
but I had to do major self-inquiry
反省我家族的金钱史
about my family’s money history
以及我的金钱信仰
and my money beliefs.
我们得要开始进行这样的谈话
We have to start having this conversation.
金钱不能够再是禁忌的话题
Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
我们得要对彼此诚实
We have to get honest with each other
坦诚我们遇到了金钱问题
that we’re suffering with money issues,
而且 咱们要实际点——要停止麻醉自己的痛苦
and let’s get real — we have to stop numbing out our pain.
为了要发现你的金钱故事
In order to uncover the painful parts
以及你的金钱历史中的痛苦部分
of your money storyand your money history,
你不能麻木不仁
you can’t be numb.
我们得要放下过去才能够自由
We have to let go of our past in order to be free.
要透过屈服 信念
Letting go of the pasthappens through surrender,
以及宽恕才能放下过去
faith and forgiveness.
债务就是不宽恕的实质具体呈现
Debt is the tangible manifestationof not forgiving.
如果你还欠债 你就还没有完全放宽你的过去
If you have debt, you’ve notcompletely forgiven your past,
所以 我们要做的是宽恕我们自己以及他人
so it’s our workto forgive ourselves and others
这样我们才能自由地生活 不然
so that we can live freely. Otherwise,
我们的历史就会不断重演
our historywill continue to repeat.
这并不是快速解决的方案
This is not a quick fix,
我知道我们都希望快速解决
and I know we all want one,
但它其实是缓慢的觉醒
but it’s a slow wake-up.
这是另一个层次的工作
This is another level of work.
我们得要爬更高才能得到它
We have to go higher to get it,
才能解决它
to get at it.
所以试试这样做:记账
So try this: follow your dollars.
你的金钱会马上告诉你 你重视的是什么
Your money will show youright away what you value.
钱花到哪里去了?
Where’s it going?
接着问问你自己:你真的重视所有这些东西吗?
And then ask yourself:Do I really value all this stuff?
要好奇地去了解当你花钱时的感受是什么
And get curious aboutwhat you’re feeling when you’re spending.
你寂寞吗?
Are you lonely?
你无聊吗?
Are you bored?
或者你只是兴奋?
Or are you just excited?
但还有更深的工作需要去做
But there’s deeper workthat needs to happen.
你一开始是怎么产生出这些金钱概念的?
How did you get all thesemoney beliefs to begin with?
我称它为你的金钱自传
I call this your money autobiography,
我是个金钱教练
and as a money coach,
我带客户所做的第一步如下
this is the first step I take with my clients.
回想你孩童时期最早的金钱相关记忆
Think back to your earliestchildhood money memory.
当你拿到钱的时候 感觉如何?
What did it feel like when you got money?
你是很兴奋 很骄傲 还是很困惑?
Were you excited, proud or confused?
你把钱用在哪里?
And what did you do with the money?
你是跑去买糖果
Did you run with the candy store,
还是跑去银行?
or did you run to the bank?
你听见你的父母说什么
And what did you hear your parents say,
你看到你的父母如何使用金钱?
and what did you seeyour parents do with the money?
我哥哥和我听到的是
My brother and I heard,
“更多的钱 会让我们感到快乐”
“More money will make us happy.”
每天都听到
Every day.
“更多的钱会让我们快乐”
“More money will make us happy.”
我们就会把它内化成金钱信念
And we internalized that into the money belief
相信我们的自我价值等同于我们的净值
that our self worth was equal to our net worth
看着我们的母亲长期生活在一种不充裕的状态中
as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.
她用糖和购物来麻痹那痛苦
And she numbed the painwith sugar and shopping.
所以我们做了什么?
So what did we do?
基斯重演了我母亲的人生
Keith played out my mother’s life.
他赚的钱很少渴望在财务上被拯救
He was an underearner,longed to be financially rescued,
他用酒精来麻木他的痛苦
and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
我做的相反
I did the opposite.
我变成了高收入者 拯救者
I became a high earner, rescuer,
我用自助书籍来麻木我的痛苦
and I numbed the pain outwith self-help books.
但我们两人的共通点是我们对钱的信念
But what we had in commonwas our money belief.
我们都相信我们的银行账户余额
We both believedthat our bank account balance
等同于我们的自我价值
was equal to our self worth.
回头看我和我哥哥在星巴克的会面……
Looking back at the Starbucksmeeting with my brother…
他并不需要生活预算和我的评判
he didn’t need a budget and my judgment.
他需要的是从他的苦难突破出来
He needed a breakthrough from his suffering,
他需要我的同理心
and he needed my compassion.
基斯无法成为说出来并且打破
Keith was not ableto be the one to speak up
我们家族金钱羞耻循环的那个人
and break our family money shame cycle,
所以他把这个工作留给我 并分享了他的遗产
so he left me to do the work and share his legacy.
改变很难 但在我家中 不改变反而会致命
Change is difficult, but in my family, not changing is fatal.
所以我做了这项工作
So I did the work,
我已经经验过了深刻且深切的宽恕
and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,
且 我今天站在这里
and as I stand here today,
我活着是有目的的
I am living on purpose,
我服务 而钱也会服务我
I serve, and money serves me.
在你的家庭中 只需要有一个人
It only takes one person in your family
来打破金钱羞耻心的循环
to break through the money-shame cycle.
我希望各位能当这个人
I want you to be the one.
谢谢
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

挣扎于预算和财务管理是很常见的,但坦诚并公开的谈论这个问题时不然。我们为什么要隐藏我们的财务问题?在这个深刻的演讲中,塔米·莱利鼓励我们打破“金钱羞耻”,并向我们展示了如何不再让银行余额等同于我们的自我价值。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

甪里

审核员

审核员@XG

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlhtTKPkg5M

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