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它是欲望还是爱情? – 译学馆
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它是欲望还是爱情?

Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

我在过去的28年里一直研究数千人的
I’ve been studying the romance and relationship patterns
浪漫史和关系模式
of literally thousands of people for the past 28 years,
我发现了一件事 或者说我了解到了一件事
and one thing I have found, or one thing I know,
那就是在一段新关系的开始时 我们中的绝大多数人都
is that most of us have experienced that wild and out-of-control feeling
会体验到一种狂热而不受控制的感觉
at the beginning of a new relationship.
你知道这就像
You know what it’s like
你茶不思饭不想 夜不眠 什么也不做
where you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t get anything done
只因你不断地想着这个人
because you’re constantly thinking about this person.
你心跳加快
Your heart’s racing,
当你看到那个人时 你感觉肾上腺素飙升
you feel that adrenaline rush when you see the other person,
说白了 你只想和这个人在一起
and basically, you just want to be with that person.
这几乎就像是对他(她)的痴迷
It’s almost like an obsession.
我打赌如果我让你闭上眼睛
I bet if I asked you to close your eyes,
你可能很清晰地回想起他(她)来
you could definitely think back
并且记得这种强烈的令人吃惊的感觉
and remember that powerful and amazing feeling
这种感觉影响我们的生理方面
that affects us physiologically.
我也感受得到
I know I can,
而我已经结婚22年了
and I’ve been married for 22 years.
但是当我们处于一种高度唤醒的状态下
But when we’re in that heightened arousal state
在一段新的恋情开始时
at the beginning of a new romance,
大多数人退后一步 问了一个这样的问题:
many of us step back and ask the question:
“我对此是一种什么样的感觉?
“What am I feeling?
我沉浸的是欲望还是爱情?它是欲望还是爱情?”
Am I in lust or am I in love? Is it lust or is it love?”
如果我再告诉你一些你从未想过的事呢
What if I told you that you’ll never have to wonder again,
因为这里面有四个特殊的用来区分欲望和爱情的标识
because there are four specific signs that differentiate lust from love,
欲望和爱情这两者之间是完全不同的
and the two states, lust and love, are completely different from one another.
这是很奇妙的事 对不对啊?
That would be wonderful, right?
我们先从欲望开始
So let’s start with lust.
当你被某人吸引时
When you’re drawn to someone,
仅仅只是基于身体和性别的觉醒或吸引
based solely on physical and sexual arousal or attraction,
这是欲望
that’s lust.
你充满了无法停下的性欲
You’re filled with sexual desire that doesn’t stop,
所有的性荷尔蒙以一种惊人的速度
and all of those sex hormones are being produced in your body
从你的身体里产生 你头脑中是存在性的
at an alarming rate; you have sex on the brain.
同样的 当我们在一段新的关系处于
Also, when we’re in that heightened state of arousal
高度唤醒状态 或者处在一段新的关系中
at a new relationship, or in a new relationship,
我们崇拜或者理想化我们的伴侣
we glorify or idealize our partner.
我们没有看到他们实际上是怎样的人
We don’t see them for who they really are.
实际上
And in fact,
我们所看到的是我们想让他们成为的那个人或者需要他们成为的那个人
we see them for who we want them to be or need them to be.
你听说过“爱是盲目的”这句话吗?
You’ve heard the phrase “love is blind”?
是的 在一段新的浪漫故事的开始时 欲望使你盲目
Well, at the beginning of a new romance, lust makes you blind.
你会对你伴侣
You’re impressed
做的或者说的每件事和任何事都印象深刻
by everything and anything your partner does or says.
事实上 你甚至都不在乎
In fact, it doesn’t even matter
你的那个她有好几只吃饱了呆在床上 枕头上的猫
that she has all of her stuffed animals on the bed, plus a few pillows,
或者他完全不知道衣架是用来干什么的
or that he has absolutely no idea what a hanger is used for.
你不看这些 它不会让你烦心
You don’t see it. It doesn’t bother you.
但是这段关系随着时间的流逝
But as time goes on in a relationship,
这些相同的举止 这些完全一样的言行举止
those same behaviors, those exact same behaviors,
对你来说就变得让人厌烦和愤怒
become annoying and irritating to you,
就是那个时候你开始注意到
and it’s at that point in time that you begin to see
这个人真实的一面 有缺点 会犯错 还有其它所有事
this other person for who they really are; flaws, faults, and everything.
是的 其实我们都有缺陷或者会犯错误
And by the way, yes, we all have flaws or faults.
没有一个人是完美的
None of us is perfect.
但是在那个时间 欲望因为这些就下降了
But at this point in time, lust declines.
我真的很抱歉这让你感到失望
And I’m really sorry to disappoint you,
但是我的研究表明在所有恋爱关系中欲望都会衰退
but my research shows that lust declines in all romantic relationships.
这是所有恋爱关系里不可避免的一部分
It’s an inevitable part of all romantic relationships.
我知道 关于这一点我很抱歉 但“不要为难报信者”
I know. Sorry about that. Don’t shoot the messenger.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
但欲望可以在长期的恋爱关系中被再次点燃吗
But can lust be reignited in a long-term loving relationship?
绝对可以!
Absolutely!
我对夫妻方面的研究证实了这点
My work with couples confirms that,
那么我们在接下来的几分钟内讨论一下如何去做
and we’re going to talk about how to do that in a few minutes.
但是目前明白欲望在所有的浪漫的关系中降低
But for the moment, it’s just important to understand
是很重要的
that lust declines in all romantic relationships,
而如果你继续维持这段关系 欲望就能变成爱情
and if you stay with that relationship, lust can turn into love.
爱是深厚的情感 并且有生理基础
Love is also a profound emotion, and has a physiological foundation as well.
当我们陷入爱恋时 我们会分泌荷尔蒙催产素
When we’re in love, we produce the hormone oxytocin,
荷尔蒙催产素让我们放松
which triggers relaxation
并且促使情感更加融洽和亲密
and promotes emotional bonding and closeness.
但是它和狂热的性激素是相反的
But that’s actually the opposite to those wild sex hormones
性激素会激起我们身体里所有的欲望
that ignited all that lust in our body.
欲望和爱之间除了荷尔蒙差异之外
Besides the hormonal differences between lust and love,
这里同样有四种方法让你可以用来区分欲望和爱
there are also four cues that you can use to distinguish lust from love.
第一点是我称这段关系是什么
The first sign is what I call connection.
当你们坠入爱河 你想让你伴侣与
When you’re in love, you want your partner to connect
你生命中所有重要的人都认识
with all the important people in your life.
你想让他们一起相处
You want them to spend time with,
就比如 与你的朋友和家人一起闲逛
to like, hang out with your friends and family.
你想把你的伴侣炫耀给你的朋友和家人
You want to show off them to your friends and family,
你想让你的朋友家人对这个人印象良好
and you want your friends and family to be impressed by this other person.
同样 你不会让他们只待在你身边
Also, you don’t keep them to yourself,
而你也要带他们出来把你的所感兴趣的
but you bring them out and introduce them to your interests again
一些对你很重要的人都介绍给他们
and the people who are important to you.
第二点
The second sign
是用“我们”来表达而不是“我”来表达
is when you use “we” language rather than “I” language.
这是用来说明两个人处于恋爱的状态
It turns out that when two people are in love,
他们的生命是缠绕在一起的
their lives are intertwined,
他们开始想象他们自己 不再是作为单独的个体
and they begin to think of themselves not as separate individuals anymore,
相反的 他们开始作为整体想像未来
but instead, as a couple.
两个人的生活越是纠缠在一起
And the more intertwined these two people’s lives are,
就会在生活中有更多的重复的地方 他们的朋友 他们的兴趣
the more overlap in their lives, their friends, their interests,
他们的圈子 就像这张图上展示的一样
and in their circles in this diagram.
他们生活中重叠得越多 他们就越亲密
And the more overlap between their lives, the more mutuality.
亲密是当我们将我们自己当做一对夫妻
Mutuality is when we refer to ourselves as a couple,
作为“我们”而不是作为“我”或者另一个人
as an “us” or “we”, rather than as an “I”, or this other person.
比如说 如果我问你 你们上周末去干什么了
So, for example, if I asked you what you were doing last weekend,
如果你们正在恋爱 你会告诉我 “我们去外面吃晚饭”
if you were in love, you would tell me, “We went out to dinner”,
“我们去看电影了”或者“我们周末去了北方”
“We went to the movies”, or “We went up north for the weekend”,
而不是“我带着桑迪去看电影了 然后我出去吃了晚饭”
rather than,”I took Sandy to the movies, and then I went out to dinner”,
或者“我去了北方”
or “I went up north”.
所以 如果你想区分欲望和爱
So, if you want to distinguish between lust or love,
注意一下你的表达
look at your language,
比较一下你用“我”和用“我们”来表达(你们的关系)的程度
and the degree to which you use “we” versus “I” statements.
第三点是自我表露
The third sign is self-disclosure,
你告诉那个人关于你的事
what you tell this other person about you.
爱会促使我们
Love motivates us
表露给另一个人我们本身的很多信息
to reveal extensive information about ourselves to this other person.
当我们正在恋爱 我们想告诉这个人
When we’re in love, we want to tell this person
关于我们的梦想 我们的愿望 我们的目标 过去 将来
about our dreams, our aspirations, our goals, the past, the future.
有时我们告诉他们一些可靠的信息
Sometimes we tell them confidential information,
有时我们告诉他们我们全部的秘密
and sometimes we tell them all of our secrets
那些之前你从未告诉过别人的秘密
that we’ve never told anyone before.
当我们在一段关系中考虑自我表露时
When we think about self-disclosure in a relationship,
你就像在考虑一个洋葱
you want to think about an onion.
一个洋葱表面的外层
The outer layers of an onion represent
是我们作为一个独立体的肤浅表面
the superficial aspects to us as an individual,
当你剥开洋葱的皮
and as you peel away the layers of the onion,
你会看到那个真正的自己
you get at the core of who you are.
你越深入
You get deeper,
就会出现越多的个人信息
and there’s more information about you as an individual,
个人的私密的信息
personal and intimate information.
当你处于欲望中 你只是剥去一点点外皮
So, when you’re in lust, you only peel away a few of those layers.
你把这些告诉他 也许是你的兴趣
You tell this other person maybe about your interest,
你的爱好 喜欢的电影或者音乐 但是仅仅如此
your hobbies, movie, or music preferences, but that’s it.
你不会把你内心的事告诉他
You don’t go to the deep core of you.
当你正在恋爱 你会直接告诉他你内心的事
When you’re in love, you go straight to the core.
你分享更宽更广 更多话题的信息
You share information that has more breadth, more topics,
但是在本质上每一个话题也会更深入更私密
but each topic also is deeper, more personal in nature.
你会直接告诉他们内心的事
You go straight to the core.
如果你想区分欲望和爱
So, if you want to distinguish between lust and love,
注意你们在谈论什么
look at what you’re talking about
和你和那个人说了多少话题
and how many topics with this other person.
最后一点也就是第四点是你们彼此的影响力
The last and fourth sign is that you influence one another.
当两个人相爱时
When two people are in love,
一个人做什么或者想去做什么会以一种意味深长的
what one person does or wants to do, influences the other person
强烈的方式影响另一个人
in meaningful and strong ways.
比如说 因为新工作
For example, if you were thinking
你正在考虑搬到另一个地方住
about moving to a different state because of a new job,
或者你考虑你生活中任何大的改变
or you were considering any big change in your life,
在你做决定前 你会想去你同伴那询问意见
you would want to go to your partner before you make a decision.
同样的 如果你发生了些事
Likewise, if you had something happened to you –
—你生病了 你丢掉了自己的工作
a medical scare, you actually lost your job,
或者你家人去世了—
or the death of a family member –
你可能想到这个人身边去得到他的支持 援助
you would want to go to this person to get social support, assistance.
你想从这个人身上得到帮助
You would want help from this person.
或者 如果在你身上发生了好事
Or, if you had something good happened to you –
你中彩了 或者你工作得到了奖金了
you won the lottery, or you got an award at work –
你还是会想去这个人身边
you again would go to this person
因为你想跟他分享这些好消息
because you would want them to share the good news.
实际上 他们会为你庆祝
And they actually would celebrate with you.
所以欲望和爱情是完全不同的
So, lust and love are completely different from one another,
而情侣们会有一段很困难的时期
and couples have a very difficult time
关于怎样长期保持我们称之为欲望的急切渴望
maintaining that urgent longing we call lust over the long-term.
我们可以再造这种欲望吗?
Can you recreate that lust?
完全可以
Absolutely!
我的研究显示
My research shows
如果你在你长期的恋爱关系中加上这三个行为
that if you add three behaviors to your loving long-term relationship,
你能重燃那种欲望
you can reignite or rekindle that lustful desire.
那三种行为的其实是一样的行为
And those three behaviors turn out to be the same behaviors
这种行为点燃了你初次遇见那个人时的欲望
that ignited the lust when you first met that person.
所以如果你想重返你们关系的开始
So, if you mirror the beginnings of your relationship,
那就加上欲望 重新点燃你们的激情
you can add lust, rekindle that passion in your relationship.
与你的伴侣去做一些新奇的活动
The first strategy to rekindle or recreate the lust
是重燃或再现欲望的第一步
is to do new and novel activities with your partner,
因为新事物创造刺激
because newness creates excitement.
思考一下
Think about it.
在你们的关系开始时
At the beginning of your relationship,
对于你们两人来说 所有的事都是一段崭新的经历
everything was a new experience for the two of you.
所有事物都是新奇的
Everything was new and novel.
你经历的每一场约会 你吃过的每一家餐馆
Every date you went on, every restaurant you ate at
对你们两人都是一段新鲜的经历
was a new experience for the two of you,
而这些经历创造了所谓的刺激 激发出你们全部的兴奋
and that created the excitement, and created all of that arousal.
但是之后 随着时光飞逝 这种新鲜会逐渐褪去
But then, as time went on, the newness wears off.
所以如果你想要去重造欲望
So if you want to recreate that lust,
你需要与你的伴侣去找一些新鲜刺激的事来做
you need to find new and exciting things to do with your partner.
那就如同你打算去从没去过的
That can be as simple as going to a new restaurant
这城市另一角的新餐馆一样简单
in a different part of the city that you’ve never been to.
你可以同你的伴侣尝试一下
You can try skating, skiing, or snowboarding
滑冰 滑雪或者滑雪板活动
for the first time with your partner.
伙计 我对冬天念念不忘 不是吗?
Boy, I have winter on the brain, don’t I?
或者 你可以学我和我丈夫报一个厨艺班
Or, you can, like my husband and I did, sign up for a cooking class.
我们从未单个参加而是一起去上这门课
Neither of us had done it separately, and we did it together,
而这为欲望添了把火
which fueled the lust.
任何新鲜事物都将再现恋爱初始的感觉
Anything new will recreate that beginning feeling.
第二种方法是在你们的关系上加点儿惊喜
The second strategy that you want to do is to use the element of surprise,
和一点儿小神秘
and add a little bit of mystery to your relationship,
因为神秘和惊喜能提升欲望
because mystery and surprise enhances lust.
你想要对方发出像“哇哦!”这样惊叹的点子 对吗?
The idea is you want that “oh, wow!” factor, right?
你想要在这种惊喜在你长期恋爱关系中重现
You want that to be recreated in your loving long-term relationship.
另外我们再回想一下
Again, think back.
在开始时
At the beginning,
关于伴侣的任何事都是不同而有趣的
everything was different and interesting that you were learning about your partner.
是的 当她告诉你在她成长过程中她养了一条宠物蛇
Yes, she told you that she had a pet snake when she was growing up,
那你也会接着说:“什么?哇 这真是太有趣了!”
and you went, “What? Wow! Now that’s interesting!”,
或者在他成长过程中他与他的祖父母最为亲近
or that he was closest to his grandmother growing up,
那么你就会问他许多问题 因为这对你来讲很感兴趣
and you asked a lot of questions, because that was fascinating to you.
任何新鲜或者不同的 有趣神秘而又令人惊讶的信息
Any new or different, interesting, mysterious, surprising information
都会使激情和欲望重燃
refuels that passion and lust.
但之后 这段关系随着时间流逝
But then, as time goes on in a relationship,
你开始真正认识你的伴侣 过犹不及
you begin to really know your partner, almost too well.
你知道他们在周末喜欢做什么 你知道她睡觉时会打鼾
You know what they like to do on Sundays, you know that she snores when she sleeps,
并且他咀嚼时张着嘴巴还有他不喜欢粉红色
and he chews with his mouth open, and he doesn’t like the color pink.
你会真正地了解你的伴侣
You really get to know your partner.
而这过程是美妙的
And while that’s wonderful,
因为这种亲密的了解建造了爱 而它使欲望退却
because that intimate knowledge builds love, it extinguishes lust.
所以你再一次需要去增加点惊喜因素和神秘
So you again need to add the element of surprise and mystery.
当然 你考虑的所有关于
And yes, all of what you’re thinking about there
情趣内衣和角色扮演这些都能增加你们关系的神秘感
regarding lingerie and roleplaying is adding mystery to your relationship.
[笑声]
(Laughter)
但是 你也可以做别的事情
But, you can also do other things.
你可以到你伴侣工作的地方去
You can go to your partner’s place of work
给他带去午饭或者下班后一起吃晚餐
and whisk them away for lunch, or after work for dinner,
或者你可以在下午给他发一条挑逗的短信
or you can send him a flirty text message in the middle of the afternoon.
在我长期对婚姻和离异的研究中 其中一个妇女
One of the wives in my long-term study on marriage and divorce
说她带着她丈夫开展了一场寻宝游戏
said that she took her husband on a treasure hunt,
在没和她一起去的情况下 她丈夫去城市各处溜达
and he went all around the city without her,
但她在各处都留下了一个小便条
but she left these little notes in each spot,
于是他发现了这段旅程充满了惊喜和冒险
and he found the experience surprising and full of adventure,
这位妇女认为这为他们后来的关系增加了一点儿小情趣
and she said it added a little spice to their relationship afterwards.
第三点 也是最后一点去重燃欲望的方法是
The third and final way to rekindle that lust
去做一些我称之为唤起激情的活动
is to do what I call arousal producing activities.
这是我最心仪的建议 但它并非你们所想
This is my favorite suggestion, but it’s not what you think –
我看见你们都在这里微笑或者傻笑
I see you all smiling and smirking out there –
[笑声]
(Laughter)
这主意事实上很纯洁
it’s actually clean.
[笑声]
(Laughter)
科学家从中学到的关系是
What relationship scientists have learned is that
如果你与你的伴侣一起去做一件能唤起激情的事
if you do an arousal producing activity with your partner,
这种通过其它的活动形成的兴奋或肾上腺素冲击
that that arousal or that adrenaline rush that’s produced through this other activity,
确实可以传递到你的伴侣和你们的关系上
the arousal can actually get transferred to your partner and your relationship.
它就像你在欺骗你的大脑
It’s almost like you’re tricking your brain
将因另一活动而产生的兴奋归因于
to attributing or associating that arousal due to another activity
你的伴侣或者你们的关系
to your partner or to your relationship.
所以 当我说“唤起激情的活动” 我真正想说的是
So, what am I really talking about then when I say “arousal producing activities”?
你们可以做许多事情
There are lots of things you can do.
你们可以一起锻炼
You can exercise with one another side by side.
你们可以看一个喜剧节目 一场恐怖片
You can watch a comedy show, a scary movie.
你们甚至可以在游乐园坐云霄飞车
You can even ride a roller-coaster ride at an amusement park.
事实上 如果你们在游乐园玩惊险的游乐项目
In fact, if you go on any scary ride at an amusement park,
可以将因这个游乐项目唤起的兴奋
you can rekindle that passion by having the arousal due to the ride
转移到你的伴侣或者你们的关系上 使你们重燃激情
transferred to your partner or your relationship.
现在要确定的是 你是和你的伴侣一起去
Now, just make sure, though, that you go with your partner,
因为如果你与别人做这些事
because if you do it with someone else,
这种兴奋可能会传递到别的人身上去
the arousal might get transferred to that other person,
而不会传递到你们的关系上
and not your relationship.
[笑声]
(Laughter)
所以在最后 我们知道欲望和爱情是非常不同的
So, in the end, lust and love are very different,
但是激情的时刻
but moments of passion
是我们生活和恋爱关系中的最精彩的部分
are the highlights of our lives and of our relationships.
事实上 询问任何人与此相关的经历
In fact, ask anyone about the experience,
他们都会清楚地记得
and they’ll definitely remember,
并在脸上浮现微笑
and they have a little smile on their face.
别误会我
And don’t get me wrong,
我认为欲望是有趣且奇妙的
I think lust is fun and wonderful,
但是欲望并不是
but lust is not the glue
保持长期稳定和快乐的胶水
that keeps long-term relationships together and happy.
能使人们携手到老的胶水是爱
The glue that keeps people bonded over time is actually love.
而爱也是一场意义深远的历程
And love is also a profound experience,
它的特点是相互关联 相互沟通
but it is characterized by interconnectedness, by mutuality,
互相依赖和自我表露
by interdependence, and lots of self-disclosure.
你不必有无爱的欲望
You do not have to have lust without love,
而你也不必只寻求爱情而放弃欲望
and you don’t have to have love without lust.
在与你的关系中他们并不需要产生精神上的排斥感
They don’t have to be mutually exclusive in your relationship.
你可以重塑性欲望
You can recreate that lustful desire –
是的 我爱说这个字 性欲望
and I love saying that word, lustful desire –
你可以在你们的长期恋爱关系中重塑性欲望
in your loving long-term relationship.
这很简单 轻松 令人感到美妙
It’s simple, it’s easy, it’s amazing.
你们还在期待什么呢? 大胆去做吧
What are you waiting for? Go do it!
谢谢
Thank you.
[掌声]
(Applause)

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视频概述

本段视频阐述了两性在爱情关系中的一些问题,并提出来如何延续两人在日常相处中的情感与激情。并对爱情和欲望有了一个初步的解释

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

用户5774448

审核员

译学馆审核团D

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Siru3n3zIbM

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