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伴侣太粘人怎么办 – 译学馆
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伴侣太粘人怎么办

In Defence Of 'Needy' People

依赖型的人是讽刺漫画里的常见角色
The ‘needy’ person is a stock figure of caricature:
他们频繁给你打电话 你去拿杯水喝他们都会喊叫
they call too much, they cry when you leave to get a glass of water,
你看手机的时候他们会生气
they feel put out when you check your phone,
你不带他们一起看电影他们就会很沮丧
they were upset when you watched a film without them.
我们非常讨厌粘人的人
We hate needy people a lot.
然而不妨从另一方面看这件事
But let’s look at this another way.
当然一般情况下是有病态地依赖他人的人
There are, of course, a few pathologically dependent people at large,
但很多时候 和普遍接受的观点大相径庭的是
but a lot of the time, far more than is generally accepted,
有问题的人并不是粘人的人 而是我们自己
the person who has the problem isn’t the ‘needy’ person at all, it is us;
我们这些指责他们的人
the ones who are doing the accusing.
我们之所以反感别人的过度依赖
We will feel someone is sickeningly ‘needy’
在于我们觉得自己不适合当别人需要的对象
when we don’t see ourselves as appropriate targets of someone else’s need.
我们内心深处
Somewhere inside,
不相信自己是可信赖的 强壮的 可依赖的 值得钦佩的或者值得敬重的
we don’t trust that we are reliable, strong, dependable, admirable or decent;
我们还没那么成熟
we aren’t quite grown-up,
那些对我们有所需要的人
and those who need something from us
因此看上去像是精神错乱的 成了挖苦嘲笑的合适对象
therefore come across as deranged and fitting targets for mockery.
看到有人开始依赖我们 我们就开始畏惧
At the first sign that someone is becoming reliant on us, we flinch.
怀疑有人已经到了需要靠我们
We suspect that someone who needs us enough to depend on us
才能度过愉快的周末或夜晚的程度 这样一定是病态的
for a pleasant weekend or evening must be diseased.
我们讨厌所谓的粘人鬼的根本原因在于自我憎恨
At the root of our hatred of so-called needy people is self-hatred.
表面上看 我们都想要爱
Ostensibly, we all want love,
但当爱真正开始被回应时
but when love actually starts to be reciprocated,
要是我们对自己爱人的能力不自信 这或许看上去极其令人恐慌
it may prove intensely alarming if we are not convinced of our own lovability.
我们开始把不久前喜欢的这个人往坏处想
We can start to think very badly of the person we liked only a little time before.
认为他们对于我们美好的想法很幼稚
We feel they are naive in finding us wonderful,
我们自觉并没有他们想得那么好
a great deal more wonderful than we feel we are.
认为他们轻信他人 很容易被一个
We think them gullible, and too easily taken in by a character
我们自己都不相信的人欺骗
we ourselves don’t believe in.
解决方法不一定非得是通过告诉他们不要需求那么多
The solution isn’t necessarily to try to change a lover,
来改变恋人
by telling them to stop asking so much.
他们很可能根本没有需求过多
They most probably aren’t asking too much at all.
他们只是不受爱人或被爱
They just aren’t afflicted with a sense that it is peculiar
这种奇怪的感觉困扰
to be loved or to love.
换句话说 他们足够强大 敢于显示
Put another way, they’re just strong enough to reveal
自己还不够无懈可击和明智 无法包容我们的许多表现
that they aren’t invulnerable and judicious enough to like the look of us.
他们确实认为表现出自己的需求
They rightly presume showing need
是强大而非软弱的前提
is a precondition of strength rather than weakness.
解决之道在于修正我们对自身的看法
The solution is to revise our view of ourselves;
多多少少的去将我们自身看作可信的人
to see ourselves as more or less plausible people
别人可以依靠的人
for someone else to stand in need of.
恐惧依赖型的人只是一种自我憎恨
The fear of ‘needy’ people is only a species of self-hatred
却表现在我们对待自己恋人的方式上了
rippling outwards to tar our lover.
自我憎恨不会因吹捧自己而减少
A reduction of self-hatred doesn’t depend on self-boosterism
告诉我们自己有多伟大
(telling ourselves how great we are).
我们要学会容忍自己 不是通过相信自己好极了
We should learn to tolerate ourselves not by believing that we are wonderful,
而是通过一种安全的意识 那就是每个人都还不错偶尔有点糟糕
but via a secure realisation that everyone is both OK and sometimes a bit awful:
那也足够拥有爱情了
that is enough to deserve love.
我们这种不寻常的恶性自我怀疑可以被
We can be cured of our uncommonly vicious self-suspicion
对于什么是常态更准确的看法治愈
by a more accurate vision of what constitutes normality.
当然委婉地说 我们有点软弱 有点狡猾 又有点愚蠢
Of course we are a bit a weak, a bit sly and a bit foolish, to put it gently.
但每个人都是这样啊
But so is everyone.
我们没有比旁人更蠢或更任性
We’re no more idiotic or wayward than the next person.
我们能接受他人同我们建立亲密关系的愿望
We can embrace a person’s hopes for a close and deep relationship with us
这纯粹是基于 我们其实都有些奇怪 有点问题
simply on the basis that we are, in fact, all a bit odd and broken.
恋人对我们的需要不是痴心妄想
The need that the lover has of us isn’t delusional,
这不过是一种任何有瑕疵的人对于另一个同样有残缺的人
it’s an accurate request that any flawed human might make of another
有明确的需求
comparably damaged example.
我们会开始发现别人没那么粘人
We’ll start to find other people a lot less needy,
也就是当他们需要我们时我们不会感到那么惊恐
that is, a lot less alarming when they need us,
我们能欣然接受
when we can accept with good grace
对某个人喜爱我们这件事
that there is nothing unusually strange or abhorrent
没有异乎寻常的奇怪或格格不入的地方
about someone deciding they like us.

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在恋爱关系中,是恋人太粘人还是自我认知有问题?

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