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SAM O’NELLA ACADEMY
TODAY’S EPISODE: “Improbable Tales of Survival”
Hey, kids. The human spirit is a very powerful thing.
嘿 孩子们 人类的精神力量是一种非常强大的东西
With the right temperament,
it can allow us to survive things you wouldn’t believe.
However, some people are stronger than others.
For example, I’ve never so much as broken a bone in my life.
Haven’t been hospitalized since that first time 20 years ago.
So I’m like 90% certain
if I’m ever forced to dance with death,
my souls pussying out to the great beyond first thing.
On the other end of the spectrum,
you got guys, like Phineas Gage.
Gage was a 25-year-old railroad worker
in mid 19th Century Vermont.
He and his crew were busy “Gang Blasting” rock to
prepare the roadbed for a newly planned route.
This involves a big hole being drilled into the ground filled
with gunpowder and packed down using a tamping iron.
Well, being the gentleman and scholar that he is,
Gage decides to lean forward and
look directly into the hole, right?
Now the first rule of gun safety is
to never look down the front of a gun.
Everyone knows that.
Gage basically just turned the earth into a gun and
decided to put his head right in front of its gaping barrel
and wouldn’t you know it, the powder goes off.
The tamping iron shoots up into his cheek mos is
right on through his freaking brain and
goes soaring out the other side,
landing 80 feet away.
All smeared with blood and thought juice.
Now by and large,
Gage should have drop dead immediately and been thrown into ravine
for his blatant disregard for OSHA regulations
and that would have been the end of it.
But I guess Shiva Gautama Christ-Chan,
the one true God,
decided Gage still had unfinished business down here
on shit outta luck three.
Cuz after a few minutes of twitching on the ground,
he got up, looked around, and thought
他站起来 环顾四周 想到：
“Well, now’s a good time as any for my yearly checkup.”
According to the doctor he went to,
well, Gage was retelling the story of what happened.
He suddenly started vomiting all over the place,
the effort of which
and I quote pushed out about half a tea cup full of the brain,
which fell upon the floor.
He didn’t say what they did with it after.
I’m picturing his dog just running over
and immediately scarfing it down,
then being plagued with the memories
of a human railroad worker for the rest of his life.
And the months following,
Gage made a near complete recovery, physically anyway.
He did lose a bit of his mind,
which caused him to lose his mind a bit.
Whereas Gage was once an upstanding hard-working citizen,
his untimely brain blast transformed him into
an angry incoherent drunkard mumbling:
“The grossest profanity whenever he deemed fit.” And
showing little to no regard for human life whatsoever.
Naturally, he was fired from his job at the railroad.
So Gage ended up wandering the earth
earning money any way he could.
For a while, he hung out at
Barnum’s American Museum in New York City,
basically making an exhibit of himself,
standing there with the tamping iron, like
“Hi! This went through my brain. Bye!”
He later had a stint as a farmhand in California
and a stagecoach driver in Chile,
which I don’t know who let the guy with severe brain trauma and
no depth perception drive a vehicle, but whatever.
Over time, he actually became a lot more functional
until finally ten years later when his brain remembered
“Oh, yeah. I shouldn’t exist.”,
leaving to Gage having a bunch of seizures and
dying at age 36.
A similar story happened with one Ron Hunt in 2003.
He was an American construction worker
who was drilling a hole above his head.
When the ladder he was standing on decided to give way,
leading to Hunt landing face-first on a 1.5 inch auger drill bit.
The drill went straight through his left eye and
out the back of his skull.
To give you a reference of what 1.5 inches of drill looks like,
here’s the actual X-ray that doctors took
when Hunt arrived at the hospital.
Miraculously, the drill ended up just kind of pushing his
brain out of the way, leading to no cognitive impairment whatsoever.
Matter of fact, Hunt was perfectly lucid
while the doctors tried to figure out the best way to
take the thing out of his head.
Initially, they considered cutting it out.
But that would have been too messy.
So eventually they decided to
literally just unscrew it from his head,
like “All right. Hold him still now.”
Oh, you fucking milf, lefty loosey.
-Does that mean the top or the bottom? -The what?
It’s a rotating circle.
-And? -Okay, you hold on for one sec.
-所以呢？ -好吧 你帮我拿着一下
Look, one way the top goes left,
one way the bottom. So which?
That clearly the one on top.
Why? Tell me why? Why clearly?
Same reason, north is up on the map.
It’s just common practice.
All right. We’re sorry for not subscribing to
your Eurocentric propaganda.
Damn! you soggy cunt.
Anyway, what were we doing?
If you think Hunt was just a little too lucky with
his incident, don’t worry.
According to Snopes,
he was self-employed and didn’t have insurance.
So while the accident didn’t ruin his life,
you can’t sleep easy,
knowing the hundreds of thousands of dollars of
medical bills, rehabilitation costs, probably did.
Our next tale revolves around Greg Rasmussen,
a British for an animal conservationist
who was studying wildlife in Zimbabwe.
One day, he got reports of
a highly endangered Rhino being spotted in the area.
So Greg took to the skies in a single
passenger plane to track the Beast.
Fate was looking down at Greg that day and
after a moment it said “No. Rhino must die.”
And a huge gust of wind came out of nowhere
sending Greg into a tailspin crash
landing right in the middle of the untamed African bush.
When Greg woke up, he found that
his legs look like used-up tubes of toothpaste.
So he was essentially trapped right where he was.
Arguably, worse than that was the fact that Greg was
dehydrated before he even took off,
hoping to get water at his destination
and just when things look like they couldn’t get any worse,
they got worse.
A group of elephants showed up and started harassing
and straight up stampeding at Greg.
With no other option,
he starts banging on the wreckage as hard as he could.
The elephants would …
and decided to leave him alone.
He was also approached by
a pack of hyenas and actual lionesses on the Hunt.
But fortunately, animals are all morons.
So the same trick worked on them, too.
Greg spent an entire day and night
pinned under the wreckage fighting off
wildlife severe dehydration and extreme temperatures
before finally being rescued the next morning.
Incredibly, after over 100 operations, doctors managed
to get Greggy’s leg ease up and running again.
Although he was now three inches shorter,
which is probably for the best
because now they can just stick the keys at the plane on top of the fridge.
So he never has another incident like this again.
So moral of the story, us humans are resilient creatures
who will do anything in our power to survive and
just as Greg Rasmussen banged on his destroyed plane
to ward off predators in Zimbabwe.
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I’m Salmonella and thank you for watching!
Gage was a 25-year-old railroad worker.
Whale war with weirwood who did that.
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