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一个躁郁症患者的自述 – 译学馆
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一个躁郁症患者的自述

I'm Bipolar and See Things That Aren't Real

Gotta get out. Gotta find my way out.
必须出去 要找到出去的路
okay okay okay okay
好 好 好 好
numbers, numbers…
数字 数字‧‧‧
Gotta take them. Gotta get them out.
必须带着它们 我要把它们弄出去
Gotta get out. Gotta find the limits.
必须出去 必须求出极限
Factors, conjugate.
倍数 共轭
Gotta find the numbers
必须找到数字
Gotta get them out. Gotta find my way out.
必须把他们弄出去 要找到出去的路
Sammy sweetie.
Sammy小甜心
You have to stop writing on the walls.
你不要在墙上写字了
Those are telephone numbers.
那些是电话号码
Come on. Follow me.
来吧 跟我来
Let’s take your medicine, okay?
过来吃药 好吗
So you can go home real soon and be with your family.
吃完药 你很快就可以回家与家人在一起了哟
I think a lot of people including me earlier in life
我想许多人 包括年幼时的自己
would hear the word “bipolar” and think “moody”.
听到“躁郁症”便联想到“郁郁寡欢”
That’s what it’s about, right?
就是这样子 对吧
Going from high highs to low lows over periods of time.
都是在一段时间內情绪从高潮降到低谷
The thing that many people don’t know is how high those highs can get.
许多人不知道的是 情绪高潮能到达什么程度
I always thought that the worst thing about mania
我一直以为躁狂症最糟糕的地方在于
was the extreme impulsiveness and extreme happiness.
它能带来极端的冲动和极度幸福感
But I learned the hard way
但我明白了一件事
that I barely understood what a manic episode really was.
就是我几乎不清楚躁狂症发作是怎样的
Throughout my life I struggled with depression and anxiety.
我的一生都在与抑郁和焦虑做斗争
It was just something that I always had lived with.
我一直忍受着抑郁和焦虑
In high school, I began taking anti depressants
高中时我就开始吃抗抑郁药物
and received extra support for my emotional disability
并得到一些对于情绪障碍的额外治疗
because it tended to affect my performance in school.
因为那些药物能让我在学校表现更好
By the time I graduated,
毕业时
I had found a good balance
我已在心理健康和学业之间
between my mental health and my academics
找到平衡
and I was super excited to be starting college for Math Education.
我非常高兴能在大学进修数学教育专业
I decided when I got there
我决定上大学后不再参加
that I wasn’t going to sign up for those same supports
高中时代的精神治疗
because I had already learned how to balance everything.
因为我已经学会如何平衡一切事物
Things were okay throughout the first semester,
第一学期一切都还好
I always struggle with my depression but it was always to a controlled extent.
尽管我仍在与抑郁斗争 但始终都在可控范围内
However, everything changed in my second semester.
然而第二学期 一切都改变了
I had started to irregularly take my medication,
我开始不定期服药
and I was partying a lot.
也参加了很多派对
I had trouble sleeping quite often,
我常常失眠
but I was still passing my classes with good grades
但是我依旧用优秀的成绩通过了所有考试
so I figured, everything was okay.
所以我认为万事大吉
One night, like many others,
一个平常的晚上
I was laying awake in bed trying to get myself to sleep.
我醒着躺在床上 试图让自己入睡
But, something changed this night.
但今晚有点不一样
My thoughts were racing.
我思如泉涌
So I pulled out my phone
所以我打开我的手机
in an attempt to write everything down and make sense of it all.
试图将所有想法写下来 并加以理解
But I could barely keep up with my thoughts,
但是我跟不上我的思维
I was going on and on about theories about life,
我想啊想 想到关于理论 关于生活
about soul mates, about happiness,
关于灵魂伴侣 关于快乐
I wrote for hours and before I knew it, it was the morning.
我写了好几个小時 不知不觉已是清晨
In full confidence,
我自信满满
I decided I need to immediately change my major to philosophy.
我决定马上把我的专业改成哲学
I had ideas and theories
我有想法和理论
and I thought I was gonna change the world.
我以为我会改变世界
I went to my classes but I didn’t
我去上课
hear a single word the professors said.
但是教授讲的课我一句也没有听进去
I just kept writing more and more
我只是继续不停地在笔记本上
of these amazing ideas I had in my notebooks.
写着我那些了不起的想法
I was also telling my peers as well
我也告诉了我的朋友
that I wanted to switch,
我想转专业
and about all my great ideas.
还有我所有伟大的想法
They just kind of laughed me off and said
他们只是笑话我 然后说
“Dude, what are you on?”
兄弟 你没事吧
I didn’t care though
但是我并不在意
because I was confident that they just weren’t smart enough to understand me.
因为我确信他们只是不够聪明 无法理解我
I didn’t sleep another night,
另一个晚上 我又失眠了
and the next day I was at the library with Sarah.
第二天 我和莎拉一起在图书馆
I told her how I had
我告诉她
all these ideas and that I couldn’t focus,
我那些想法以及我无法专注的问题
and she recommended that I reach out to my parents.
她建议我去找我爸妈帮忙
She had to constantly remind me to keep my voice down,
她得不时的提醒我压低声音
but I didn’t care if other people heard me.
但是我不怕其他人听到
So I did my research and
所以我搜了资料
I re-diagnosed my depression for OCD
重新判定我的焦虑为強迫症
and then I called my parents
然后我给我爸妈打了电话
demanding that they take me to the doctors to have my medications changed.
请求他们带我去看医生跟改变治疗方式
They picked me up and brought me to an emergency crisis center.
他们来接我 带我去了紧急管理中心
I sat there for a whole hour telling this woman
我花了整整一个小时告诉这个女人
about my theories about time travel at medication and family history
我对在药物上花的时间有所看法和家族史
She sent me home with them for the night and again I tried to sleep,
她让我和爸妈回家过夜 我又努力入睡
but I just couldn’t.
但是还是无法睡著
I felt…tired, but it was like my mind just wouldn’t stop.
我感到很累 但是我的脑子就是一直停不下来
The next day my parents took me to the hospital,
第二天我父母带我去医院
I was confused but
我很困惑
I figured this was a way for me to quickly get my medication changed.
但是我认为这是可以快速更换治疗的方法
Once I was admitted, my memory got fuzzier.
一旦我发作 我的记忆就开始模糊了
But I do remember some specific vivid memories;
但是我确实记得一些具体的生动记忆
One was when I was sitting next to the phone attached to the wall,
其中一个是当我坐在靠墙的电话旁时
it was the only phone in the psych unit
它是心理科唯一的电话
and I was trying to take the limit,
我试图运用微积分
you know as in calculus, of the phone numbers posted next to it
求旁边写的电话号码的极限
because I was convinced that the entire place was a giant escape room
因为我坚信整个地方是个巨大的逃生空间
and that this was one of the clues.
而且这是线索之一
Another one was when I believed I was Moana
另一个情境是 当我认为我是莫娜时
and the Disney movie was made for me to realize my own truth.
迪士尼电影是为了让我发现自我而拍的
I was also convinced that this place was a place
我也相信这个地方就是
where Walt Disney would observe me from a far
华特·迪士尼会从远处找到我
to confirm that I was the right person.
并确定我就是那个对的人的地方
And he would communicate with me through the shower
而且他会借用淋浴器开水和关水的方式
by turning the water off and on ( it turns out
来跟我交流
that it was just an automatic shower ).
(其实它只是个感应淋浴器)
Another time I sat on the floor
有一次我坐在地板上
for the entire night talking to another patient
和另一个病人谈了一整夜
about how osmosis was something that cults were using to brainwash people.
关于渗透活动就是宗教用来给人洗脑的作法
I even let another patient take me into her room and perform an excursion on me
我甚至让另一个病人带我去她的房间游览
and I believed it gave me the ability to sing like an angel.
而且我相信这会给我天使般美妙的歌声
I was trying and trying to decode words
我很努力地去把单词
into numbers to find their hidden meanings.
解码成数字來找它们隐藏的意义
And I drew all my theories
我把我所有理论
on the walls in my room
写到我房间墙上
and because of that
因为这样
I kind of got all the crayons taken away for the entire floor.
我好像把楼层里所有的蜡笔都拿走了
But then one day, I just woke up.
但是后來有一天 我刚醒時
And all these things that had happened to me
从我第一晚彻夜未眠开始
since the first night I stayed up
这些发生在我身上的所有事情
were like memories, like memories of someone who woke up
就像回忆一样
after being black-out drunk.
就像是烂醉后醒来的回忆
I had absolutely no idea how much time had passed.
我完全不记得过去多久
And That’s when they told me I had Bipolar disorder
就是那时他们告诉我我得了躁狂症
and that what I had was a”textbook”
我是典型的
manic episode.
躁狂症发作
I was given new medication,
医生给我开了新的药
and I had to stay in the hospital
我不得不在医院多待一段时间
for a while longer so I could adjust.
这样我才能适应
I was terrified and confused
我非常害怕和困惑
because I could remember all these things I had believed
因为我能记得所有我相信过的事情
and could see all these strange things that I had written
也能看见我在堆积的纸上所写的
on the papers I had accumulated.
一切奇怪的事情
Everyone at the unit disliked me
心理科所有的人都讨厌我
because I had been running around crazy for the past week,
因为过去一周我一直疯狂地跑来跑去
and even some of the nurses seemed kinda scared of me.
甚至一些护士也有点害怕我
When I got out I just wanted to go back to normal life.
当我出去后我只想过正常的生活
I wanted to put this whole week behind me
我想把这一整周都扔在脑后
like it never happened and just go back to college.
像从来没发生一样 返回学校
But I was put into 4 days a week outpatient therapy
但是我每周进行4天门诊治疗
and forced to withdraw for the semester.
被迫这学期休学
On the first weekend chance I had,
在我出來后的第一个周末
I went back to my college and I just partied.
我回到大学 参加了派对
I didn’t take any
我沒有服用任何药物
of my medication and I felt a little bit like myself again, finally.
觉得我有点找回自己了
So I stopped taking my medication all together
所以我停止了所有药物
because I liked the way I felt without it better.
因为我更喜欢不需要服药的感觉
I went to therapy but I barely participated
我有去治疗 但是我几乎没有参与在其中
and then I just hung out at home.
只是待在家里闲着
But then few weeks later,
但是几周后
I had taken my brother out to eat with me
我带我的弟弟一起出去吃饭
and that was when I started to feel off again.
我又开始感觉不对劲
I saw a sign about arts and crafts
我看到关于工艺品的符号
and I freaked out that witches would be showing up at the place
我看到女巫出现在这个地方 我惊呆了
and so I told my brother that we have to leave.
所以我告诉我弟弟得离开了
I started driving home but he said he felt sick
我开车回家 但他说他很难受
so I stopped at Target and took him to the restroom.
所以我停在塔吉特 带他去洗手间
All of a sudden, I became convinced that I
突然间 我相信
was the one who was making him sick, and
我就是那个让他不舒服的人
that if I stayed with him he would die.
如果他跟我在一起 他就会死
The scariest part about mania is
躁狂症最可怕的地方是
that you truly believe these things
你真的相信了这些事情
the same way you believe 2+2 is 4,
就像你相信2+2=4一样
its just the truth.
相信它就是事实
I called my mom and asked her to pick us up.
我打电话给我妈妈 让她来接我们
She came right away because she could tell something was off.
她来得很快因为她知道事情不对劲
In a panic,
在恐慌中
I also called my uncle who was a priest
我也给我当牧师的叔叔打了电话
to ask him what I could do
问他我能做什么
because I didn’t want my brother to die.
因为我不想我的弟弟死
He was about to teach mass
他正要去做弥撒
so he said he’ll call me back at 4.
所以他说会在4点给我打回来
I freaked out at him and told him
我吓坏了 并告诉他
that 4 would be too late,
4点就太迟了
and he said “Why? What will happen?”
他说:“为什么?会发生什么?”
and that’s when I realized…
那时我才意识到
I didn’t know what would happen.
我不知道会发生什么
I hung up, now completely convinced
我挂了电话 现在彻底确定
that I needed a silver necklace to prevent anything from going wrong.
我需要一个银项链以防止出错
I begged and begged my mom to get me one
我不停的求我妈妈给我一个
but she knew what was going on and insisted
但她知道发生了什么
that I go back to the hospital with her.
而且坚持让我和她一起返回医院
I was really hesitant because I didn’t think anything was wrong
我真的很犹豫 因为我不认为我有什么问题
with me and I knew they wouldn’t have necklaces there.
而且我知道在那儿他们没有项链
But she didn’t give me a choice.
但她没有给我选择的余地
Eventually, I was admitted and I went through another week of blackouts.
最终 我再次发作 又经历了一周的管制
That time, I remember thinking
我记得我曾在那时幻想
that I had traveled back in time
回到了过去
and that I had somehow erased someone from existence
以某种方式抹去了某些人的存在
and that the only way to get them was through the shower.
而找回他们唯一的方式是淋浴
So I kept walking into the shower with my clothes on, just sobbing.
所以我一直穿着衣服進浴室啜泣
Eventually,
最终
they had to have someone watch me all the time.
他们必须有人一直监视我
I also thought tattoos were a way to teleport
我还认为纹身是一种传送方式
and that if someone touched mine, I would just disappear.
如果有人碰了我的纹身 我就会消失
I also believed that when somebody new came in,
我也相信当有新的人进来的时候
I was the one who had brought them into existence
我是使他们存在的那个人
and if I forgot to remember to will them to breathe,
如果我忘记了让他们呼吸
they would die.
他们将会死
And I also thought there was an invisible person
我也认为有个看不见的人
that my uncle had send to watch me at all times.
是我叔叔派来随时监视我的
And then, I woke up again.
然后我又再一次醒来了
I felt really defeated this time
这次真的让我感到挫败
because I knew what had happened.
因为我知道发生了什么
They also didn’t let me leave for a while
他们也不让我离开
so that they could make sure I wouldn’t be back for a long time
这样子他们能确保 我很长一段时间不会再回去
and that was really hard for me.
这对于我来说 真的太难了
We barely got to go outside, there wasn’t much to do,
我们根本很少出去 没什么事做
the food got really old really quick,
食物很容易就吃腻了
and I just wanted my own bed more then anything.
没有什么比睡在自己的床上更让我渴望的了
After this manic episode, I started to participate in therapy,
在这次躁狂发作后 我开始参与治疗
I started to be more communicative
我开始和我的心理医生
with my psychiatrist about my medication
就我的药物治疗进行更多的交流
and I took it very consistently.
我坚持服药
I just stopped running from my diagnosis
不在诊疗时逃跑
and I accepted the help that was being offered to me.
我接受了大家给我的帮助
And that was the only way that I could get better.
这是唯一能使我痊愈的办法
Thank you for sharing your story with us
感谢你与我们分享你的故事
to help us better understand what it feels
以便我们对
like for people who struggle with Bi-Polar disorder.
和躁郁斗争的人们的感觉有更好的了解
If you’d like to share your story with us,
如果您愿意和我们分享
please submit your story to the link in the description.
请上传您的故事至信息栏的链接
We want to make as many inspiring and educational stories into videos as possible.
我们希望尽可能将多一点有启发性和教育性的故事做成视频
We want to make videos that
我们想制作可以
can help you understand that you are not alone
让你知道你并不孤单的视频
That there are other people who are also struggling
还有其他人也在遭受折磨
and we hope that these stories will help to inspire you
我们希望这些故事能激励你
to overcome the difficult things that you are going through.
去战胜你正在经历的困难的事情
We are trying to make as many of these videos
我们尽可能去做更多
as we possibly can for you
这样的视频给你
but with our limited resources, as much as we want to,
但是资源有限
we’re so sorry we’re not able to create every one
我们很抱歉不能把每个人的故事
of your stories into a video.
都制作成视频
But if you’d like to help us, there is a way!
但是如果你想帮我们 有个方法!
Visit our Patreon site to help us make more videos!
浏览众酬网站帮我们做更多视频!
Every single little bit
每一个浏览
helps us to create the best videos that we all know and love.
都能帮助我们创造出大家熟悉并喜爱的好视频
Thank you all for your support and love.
谢谢大家的支持与厚爱
We are always so touched to see all the positive responses in the comments.
我们看到评论里大家肯定的留言 真的很感动

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视频概述

此视频讲述了一位和狂躁症不断斗争的女孩并且最终战胜了自己的精神障碍的故事。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Mei Hsi (Emily)

审核员

审核员PH

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIspXVHv3QY

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