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如果是我控制了互联网 – 译学馆
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如果是我控制了互联网

If I controlled the Internet | Rives

I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress
我写了这首诗 当我看到电视上一个很著名的女星
tell a very well known interviewer on television,
对一个非常著名的记者说:
“I’m really getting into the Internet lately.
“我最近迷上互联网了”
I just wish it were more organized.” So…
不过我希望互联网更加有秩序 所以…
(Laughter)
(笑声)
If I controlled the Internet,
如果我主宰了互联网
you could auction your broken heart on eBay.
你可以在eBay(全球最大C2C电子商务网站)上拍卖你破碎的心
Take the money; go to Amazon;
拿到钱 就上Amazon(全球最大B2C电子商务网站)
buy a phonebook for a country you’ve never been to —
买一本你从没去过的国家的电话号码本
call folks at random
随机的拨打
until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.
直至你找到一个可以用流利的外语调情的人
(Laughter)
(笑声)
If I were in charge of the Internet,
如果我主宰了互联网
you could Mapquest your lover’s mood swings.
你可以知道你情人的心情地图
Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied,
在抑郁的路口左转 在心神不宁处右转
U-turn on silent treatment,
在冷战的路口掉头
all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin’.
直至回到甜蜜亲吻的瞬间
You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.
你将理解并驶过每个感情的交叉口有时候
Some days, I’m as shallow as a baking pan,
我像烤盘一样浅薄
but I still stretch miles in all directions.
但我同样畅通无阻
If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com
如果我主宰了互联网 Napster(P2P音乐分享网站) Monster(求职网站)和Fridendser.com(社交网站)
would be one big website.
将会合并成一个网站
That way you could listen to cool music while
你可以欣赏美妙的音乐
you pretend to look for a job and you
却假装你在找工作
‘re really just chattin’ with your pals.
而事实上 你只是在跟朋友们聊天
(Laughter) Heck,
(笑声)嘿!
if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.
如果我主宰了互联网 你可以给死人发送电邮
(Laughter)
(笑声)
They would not email you back
他们不会给你回信
(Laughter) —
(笑声)
but you’d get an automated reply.
但是你会收到一封自动回复
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Their name in your inbox
他们的名字 在你的收件箱
(Laughter) —
(笑声)
it’s all you wanted anyway.
别无所求
And a message saying,”Hey, it’s me. I miss you.
一条信息:“嘿 是我 我想你 ”
(Laughter) Listen,
(笑声)
you’ll see being dead is dandy.
你会明白死亡是一种幸运
Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy.
然后继续为了生活而奔波劳碌
”If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop
如果我主宰了互联网 “童年.com”将是一个循环
of a boy in an orchard,
一个孩子在果园里
with a ski pole for a sword,
以滑雪杆为剑
trashcan lid for a shield, shouting,”I am the emperor of oranges.
以垃圾桶盖为盾 呼喊:“我是橙子大帝
I am the emperor of oranges.
我是橙子大帝
I am the emperor of oranges.”
我是橙子大帝 ”
Now follow me, OK?
接下来
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions. One,
“祖母.com”将会是饼干秘方和性爱指南一
two, three.
二 三
That links with hotdiggitydog.com.
那会链接到“爽歪歪.com”
That is my grandfather.
那是我的祖父
They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad.
它们会带你到“脾气暴躁婚姻失败.爸爸”
He forms an attachment to kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom,
他发送了附件给 “有点神经兮兮但是依然派发圣诞点心.妈妈”
who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges,
她下载了果园中的男孩 那个橙子大帝
who grows up to be me —
男孩长大后
the guy who usually goes too far.
便成了我 无比彪悍的我
So if I were emperor of the Internet,
所以如果我是互联网大帝我想
I guess I’d still be mortal, huh?
我将依然是个凡人
But at that point,
对吧?不过
I would probably already have the lowest possible mortgage
到那时候我将会 拥有最地利率的抵押贷款
and the most enlarged possible penis
和大的已经无法再大的阳具
(Laughter) —
(笑声)
so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office.
在我上班的第一天 我会禁止所有垃圾广告
I wouldn’t need it.
我不需要那些
I’d be like some kind of Internet genius, and me,
我会像互联网天才和我自己
I’d like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that — pop!
我将涅磐 就像那样…砰
— I’d go wireless.
-我无线了
(Laughter) Huh?
(笑声)哈?
Maybe Google would hire this.
或者Google会聘用我
I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus
我可以在你的服务器和防火墙中畅通无阻
until the World Wide Web is as wise,
像个病毒直到万维网成为
as wild and as organized
智能、狂热、整洁
as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get, but, ooh-eee,
的现代奇迹
you want to bet just how whack and un-PC
但是你想知道你的电脑将会变得如何不像电脑吗
your Mac or PC is going to be when I’m rocking hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net?
当我在主宰了
I guess it’s just like life.
互联网之后?我猜
It is not a question of if you can — it’s:
那就像生活不是你能不能的问题而是
do ya?
你是否愿意
We can interfere with the interface.
我们可以介入界面
We can make”You’ve got Hallelujah” the national anthem of cyberspace
我们可以把“哈里路亚”作为虚拟世界的国歌
every lucky time we log on.
每次我们登录
You don’t say a prayer.
你不祈祷
You don’t write a psalm.
你不写圣诗
You don’t chant an”om.”
你不吟诵赞歌
You send one blessed email to whomever you’re thinking of
你发一封祝福的邮件给所有人
at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com.
在“♫♪♫.com”
Thank you, TED.
谢谢 TED
(Applause)
(鼓掌)

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