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我不是怪物:精神分裂症 – 译学馆
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我不是怪物:精神分裂症

I Am Not A Monster: Schizophrenia | Cecilia McGough | TEDxPSU

嗨 我叫塞西莉娅•麦卡高夫
Hello,my name is Cecilia McGough.
我在宾州州立大学主修天文学和天体物理学
I’m an astronomy and astrophysics majorhere at Penn State,
并是校内脉冲星搜索合作实验室的创始人和主席
and the founder and president of the Penn State Pulsar Search Collaboratory.
高中时
In high school,
我有幸通过脉冲星探索合作实验室
I was lucky enough to have co-discovered a pulsar
共同发现了脉冲星
through the Pulsar Search Collaboratory.
脉冲星是超密度中子星
A pulsar is a super dense neutron star
会发射双极子电磁辐射
that emits dipoleelectromagnetic radiation.
想像一下 有颗恒星比太阳大得多得多
Basically think of a starmuch, much larger than our sun,
去除其外部的各层 留下致密的内核——
blowing away its outer layers,leaving behind a dense core –
那个内核就是我们的脉冲星
that core could be our pulsar.
这一发现为我打开了几扇门
This discovery opened some doors for me,
比如让我代表美国参加俄罗斯(举办的)
such as helping representthe United States
国际太空奥林匹克运动会
in the InternationalSpace Olympics in Russia.
并成为弗吉尼亚空间航空科技奖获得者
And also, being a Virginia aerospacescience and technology scholar.
我知道你一定在想:
I know what you must be thinking:
“一个书呆子”
“What a nerd!”
“呆气十足”
“Nerd alert!”
这个书呆子保守最久的秘密
Well,for the longest time,this nerd had a secret.
一个令我非常害怕 非常尴尬而无法告诉任何人的秘密
A secret that I was too scared and too embarrassed to tell anyone.
那个秘密就是 我有精神分裂症
That secret is that I have schizophrenia.
但什么是精神分裂症呢?
But what is schizophrenia?
把精神分裂症看作伞状诊断很重要
It’s important to think of schizophreniaas an umbrella-like diagnosis.
国家精神病者联盟显示 这些不同的症状
NAMI shows these different symptoms
可作为诊断精神分裂症的途径
as a way you could diagnose schizophrenia,
比如错觉 幻想都是患(精神分裂症)的标志
such as delusions and hallucinationsbeing the hallmark characteristics.
但知道一个人没有错觉 没有幻想
But it is very important to know
也可能患精神分裂症
that a person could have schizophrenia
这点很重要
and not have delusionsand not hallucinate.
每个患精神分裂症的人经历都各不相同
Each person’s story with schizophreniais unique to their own.
今天 我打算谈谈我患精神分裂症的故事
Today I’m going to be talkingabout my story with schizophrenia.
人们之前认为 我的整个人生都伴随着精神分裂症
It has been thoughtthat I’ve had schizophrenia all my life.
但它在我上中学那会儿才变得(发病频繁)
But it became very prevalent in my junior year of high school,
然后 步入大学 它就滚雪球似的变大
and then it just snowballed into college.
2014年2月 我大学头一年
February of 2014,my freshman year of college,
当我试图自杀来结束自己的生命时
my life changed
我的生活改变了
when I tried to take my own lifethrough suicide.
“为什么?”你们会问
“Why?” you ask.
因为我的生活变成醒着的梦魇
Because my life had becomea waking nightmare.
下面的图片用微软艺术效果编辑过
The following images have been editedusing Microsoft’s artistic effects
因为它们对我来说触动太大
because they are justtoo triggering for me.
当时 我开始产生幻觉
At this time, I had started hallucinating.
我开始看到 听到并感觉到并不存在的东西
I started seeing, hearing and feelingthings that weren’t there.
我去的每个地方 都有个像斯蒂芬•金的改编剧本
Everywhere that I went,I was followed around by a clown
《它》中的小丑跟踪
that looked very similarto the Stephen King’s adaptation of”It”.
我去的每个地方 他都会咯咯的笑
Everywhere that I went, he would be giggling,
嘲弄我 刺激我 有时甚至还咬我
taunting me, poking me, and sometimes even biting me.
我也会幻想到蜘蛛 有时是些小蜘蛛
I would also hallucinate spiders, sometimes little spiders.
这些实际上是最恼人的
And these are actuallythe most intrusive sometimes
因为我们在现实生活中看到的就是小蜘蛛
because we seelittle spiders in real life.
有时 这是我唯一难以辨认
So sometimes this is the only timeI ever have difficulty
它是幻觉还是事实如此
discerning whether it isa hallucination or real life.
我很善于知道自己什么时候产生幻觉
I’m very good at knowingwhen I’m hallucinating
我知道这是我的大脑内分泌失调了
and I know that it is a chemical imbalance inside my head.
我甚至不给这些幻觉命名
I don’t even givethese hallucinations names.
尽管我也会幻想到巨大的蜘蛛
I also hallucinate giant spiders though.
蜘蛛 尤其是出现在脑海中的(蜘蛛)
One spider, in particular, comes to mind.
它有巨大的体型 坚韧的皮肤 黑色的腿和黄色的身子
It was rather large, leathery skin,black legs and yellow body.
嘴巴从不会发出声响
No voice ever came out of its mouth.
然而 当它抬起腿时
However when it moved its legs,
腿嘎吱嘎吱的声音听起来就像婴儿在笑
the creaking of the legs sounded likeyoung children laughing.
令人毛骨悚然
It was very disturbing.
但事情变得无法忍受是从我幻想到这个女孩开始的
But it started becoming unbearablewhen I started hallucinating this girl.
她看上去有点像《午夜凶铃》(中的女孩)
She looked sort of likein the movie”The Ring”.
她所具备的是
The thing with her was she
能够持续不断的自言自语
was able to continue conversations with herself,
而且确切的知道 该说什么以及什么时候说
and would know exactly what to say and when to say it
以消除我的不安全感
to chip away at my insecurities.
但最糟糕的是
But the worst was,
她也会手持刀子
she would also carry a knife around with her
她会刺我 有时会刺在脸上
and she would stab me,sometimes in the face.
这使我在学校的检测 测验 课外作业
This made taking tests, quizzes,and doing homework in general
极其困难以致无法完成
extremely difficult to impossiblewhen I was in college.
有时 我甚至无法看到面前的试卷
Sometimes I wouldn’t even be able to see the paper in front of my face
因为我幻想的太多
because I was hallucinating too much.
我一般不会这么公开讲我的幻觉
I don’t usually speak so openlyabout my hallucinations,
因为在我告诉他们我看到的东西之后
because people usually look at me in fear
他们常常用害怕的眼神盯着我
after I tell them what I see.
但事实上
But the thing is,
我和你们这些人并没有太大的区别
I’m not much different than the rest of you.
做梦时 我们都会看见 听到并感觉到一些东西
We all see, hear, and feel thingswhen we are dreaming.
我只是那个没法停掉梦魇的人罢了
I’m just someone who can not turn off my nightmares,
甚至当我醒着时(也没法停掉)
even when I’m awake.
我就这样强烈地幻想达四年之久
I’ve been hallucinating now acutelyfor about over four years.
如今 我能非常自然地
So I have gotten very good at
假装没看到我正看着的东西
just pretending I’m not seeing what I’m seeing,
或忽视它们
or ignoring them.
但我有刺激源
But I have triggers,
比如看到红色会很容易刺激到我
such as seeing the color red is very triggering for me.
不知道大家有没有注意到
I don’t know if you guysnoticed this or not,
但他们换掉了我踩着的地毯
but they changed the carpet that I’m on.
他们用黑色的地毯代替了红色的
They changed itto a black carpet instead of red.
我多少有点嘲笑自己的生活
I sort of laugh at my life a bit
像黑色喜剧 因为 当然了
like a dark comedy, because, of course,
我唯一打怵的颜色搭配是红色和白色
the only color combination that I have issues with is red and white.
TED是什么颜色的
What are TED’s colors?
真实的人们!
Really people!
我有那些颜色方面的问题
But I have issues with those colors
是因为小丑身上也有那些颜色:
because those are the colorsthat the clown has:
红色的头发和白色的皮肤
red hair and white skin.
而且我能忽略它的方法就是不去看它
And how I’m able to ignore him is I just don’t look at him,
但我能感觉到
but I’m able to know
在我的余光中 幻觉出现在什么地方
where that hallucination is in my peripheral vision,
由于红色和白色的亮丽的颜色
because of the bright colorsof red and white.
但你可能永远不会知道我正产生幻想
But you would never knowthat I’m hallucinating.
小丑实际上就在今天的听众中
The clown is actuallyin the audience today
你永远都不会知道
and you would never know.
说个轻松点的话题 谁在期待奥斯卡
On a lighter note,who is looking forward to the Oscars?
举一下手
Hands up!
我就知道大家都感兴趣
I knew you guys would be interested!
若存在 为寻常生活中表现“正常”的人们(准备的)提名的话
Well if there were nominations for peoplejust acting”normal” in everyday life,
患精神分裂症的人们也一定会被提名的
people who have schizophreniawould definitely be nominated as well.
当我第一次公开谈论精神分裂症时
When I first became openabout having schizophrenia,
对我身边最亲近的人都是一种震撼
it was a shock to eventhe people closest to me.
我用了八个月的时间
It took me eight months,
在试图自杀的八个月后
eight months after my suicide attempt
我最终接受了我所需要的治疗
to finally get the treatmentthat I needed.
我之前甚至没进行过精神分裂症的诊断
I didn’t even havethe diagnosis of schizophrenia.
正因如此
And because of that,
使我得到帮助的是这样的对话
what kept me from getting help were conversations like these.
我清楚地记得和妈妈通电话的那次
I remember very distinctively within that time on the phone with my mother.
我告诉妈妈
I would tell my mum,
“妈妈 我病了
“Mom I’m sick,
我能看到不存在的东西
I’m seeing things that aren’t there,
我需要药物 我需要跟医生说”
I need medicine,I need to talk to a doctor.”
她的反应?“不 不不不
Her response? “No, no, no, no.
你不能把这事儿告诉任何人
You can’t tell anyone about this.
这绝不能出现在我们家的病历上
This can’t be on our medical history.
想想你的妹妹们 想想她们的未来
Think of your sisters,think of your sisters’ futures.
人们会把你当成疯子
People are going to thinkthat you’re crazy,
他们会认为你是危险的
they are going to think you’re dangerous
而且你也无法找到工作”
and you won’t be able to get a job.”
现在我对此的回应是
What I say to that now
“别让任何人说服你拒绝药物治疗
is”Don’t let anyone convince younot to get medical help.
不值得
It’s not worth it!
这是你的选择 而且也是你的权利”
It is your choiceand it is also your right.”
得到药物治疗是我曾作出的最明智的选择
Getting medical help was the best decision that I have ever made.
而且我确信自己今天不会在这儿
And I am confidentthat I would not be here today
如果当初没得到恰当的药物治疗的话
if I didn’t get the proper medical help.
这导致我第一次住院治疗
This led into my first hospitalization.
在过去的两年里 我进过四次精神病房
I had been in the psych ward four times within the past two years.
但我仍没有公开谈论过精神分裂症
But I still was not openabout having schizophrenia
直到因警察介入 第二次住院治疗
until my second hospitalization,because the police were involved.
一天晚上 我意识到自己需要
One evening I realized I needed
重新住院
to check myself back into hospital,
因为我需要在自己的药物中做些改变
because I needed some changesin my medication.
我承认自己进了急诊室
So I admitted myselfinto the emergency room.
我跟医生谈了 他们说“好的
I talked to the doctors, they said, “OK,
我们加些药物 你可以整晚都呆在这儿”
let’s fix the meds,you can stay here overnight.”
没什么问题
It was all good.
在医院呆了短暂的一晚上之后
After the brief one-night hospital stay,
我回到宾州州立大学的寝室
I came back to my dorm roomhere at Penn State,
对非常关心的舍友们
and to very concerned roommates,
我明白她们关心的原因-若我和她们立场一致
which I understand why they were concerned – if I was in their shoes,
我也会被关心——
I would have been concerned as well –
同样也有辅导员和来自校园救助组织的朋友
but also the RA and a CANHELP person.
我们讨论后定下了 我需要再去一次精神病房
We all talked and we decided that I needed another psych ward stay.
我恢复的不错 我并非一直都拒绝 我很乐意去
And I was OK on going,I wasn’t at all refusing, I was willing to go.
但接下来发生的事情不可原谅
But what happened next was inexcusable.
她们把警察带进我的宿舍
They brought police officersinto my dorm room,
在我的室友面前 他们轻轻走过来
in front of my roommates,they padded me down
而我不得不说服他们不要给我戴手铐
and I had to convince them not to put handcuffs on me.
之后他们带着我 护送我进了
They then brought me,escorted me into a police car
紧挨着学校食堂Redifer
that was parked on the road
停靠路边的警车
next to one of our diningcommons: Redifer,
朋友们走过来目送我上了警车
where friends were passing by and seeing me put into a police car.
从那时起 当我回来时 消息已不胫而走
By that time, when I came back, the cat was out of the bag.
人们知道发生了一些事 我不得不直陈其事
People knew something was up, so I had to set the story straight.
我通过博客公布自己患精神分裂症
I opened up about my schizophrenia
而且把所有的博客帖子发布到Facebook上
through a blog, but I posted all my blog posts on Facebook.
让我吃惊的是 那儿竟有那么多的支持者
And I was amazed by how much support there was out there.
同时我也意识到 有很多人也像我一样
And I also realized that there are so many other people just like me.
我真的惊呆了
I was actually amazed!
我的几个朋友告诉我 她们也有精神分裂症
A few of my friends opened up to me that they had schizophrenia.
现在 我致力于做个精神健康提倡者
Now I am dedicated to beinga mental health advocate.
我不打算陷入个人诊断的自怨自艾
I’m not going to wallowin self-pity about my diagnosis.
相反 我想把它作为公分母
Instead, I want to use itas a common denominator,
这样我就能帮助其他患精神分裂症的人
so I can help other peoplewho have schizophrenia.
而且我也不打算休息
And I’m not going to rest
直到全世界所有患精神分裂症的人
until anyone who has schizophrenia worldwide
不再害怕说出:
is not afraid to say the words:
“我有精神分裂症”
“I have schizophrenia.”
因为有精神分裂症没什么大不了
Because it’s OK to have schizophrenia,
确实如此
it really is.
因为全世界18岁以上人口中的1.1%
Because 1.1% of the world’s populationover the age of 18
或多或少都有点精神分裂
has some sort of schizophrenia.
也就是说 全世界有5100万人(患精神分裂)
That is 51 million people worldwide
仅美国就有240万人
and 2.4 million peoplein the United States alone.
但有个问题
But there’s a problem.
因为精神分裂症患者中有十分之一
Because one out of ten peoplewho have schizophrenia
会通过自杀的方式结束自己的生命
take their own life through suicide.
还有十分之四的人至少有过一次自杀的企图
Another four out of tenattempt suicide at least once.
我醉心于这项统计
I fall into that statistic.
你可能会认为 已经有了非营利机构
You would think that there wouldalready be a nonprofit
专注于给患精神分裂症的大学生赋权
focused on empowering college studentswho have schizophrenia,
尤其在精神分裂症高峰期是早期的成年人
especially since the peak age to have a schizophrenic break is early adulthood –
典型的大学生一样的年龄段
the same age rangeas a typical college student.
但是没有
But there isn’t.
整个美国都没有非营利的组织
There is no nonprofitin the entire United States
专注于此
focused on that.
而且只关注精神健康的普通非营利组织是不够的
And a general nonprofit focused on mental health in general is not enough.
因为即便在精神健康团体中
Because even in the mentalhealth community,
对精神分裂症也是避之唯恐不及的
schizophrenia is shied away from,
因为它让人觉得“不舒服”
because it makes peoplefeel”uncomfortable”.
那就是我决定
That is why I have decided
建立非营利组织“患精神分裂症的学生”的原因
to found the nonprofit”Students With Schizophrenia”,
我们会授权大学生
where we will empower college students
并为他们提供所需的资金
and get them the resources that they need,
这样他们就可以待在校园里完成学业
so they can stay in collegeand be successful.
因为患精神分裂症也可以成功
Because you could be successfuland also have schizophrenia.
我们需要改变精神分裂症的面貌
We need to change the faceof schizophrenia,
因为当下的表现是错误的
because the representationcurrently is inaccurate.
不要让任何人告诉你
Don’t let anyone tell you
你不能患精神病
that you can’t have a mental illness
也不能有精神上的强大
and also not be mentally strong.
你很强壮 你很勇敢 你是一个战士
You are strong, you are brave,you are a warrior.
不幸的是 这个非营利组织对一些人来说太晚了
Unfortunately,this nonprofitis too late for some.
自从公布自己患精神分裂症之后
Since I’ve become openabout having schizophrenia
我就应邀到宾州州立大学不同的班级
I am asked to comeinto different classrooms here at Penn State,
与同学们谈论关于我患精神分裂症的经历
and talk to the class about my experience having schizophrenia.
有个班级特别突出
One class stands out in particular.
这学期早些时候 其中一位同学
Earlier in the semesterone of the students
向同班同学公布自己有精神分裂症
opened up to the classthat she had schizophrenia.
我赞扬了她的勇敢
I commend her for her bravery.
然而 等我去那个班级讨论时
However,by the time that I came and talked to that class,
她已经自杀了
she had taken her own lifethrough suicide.
我们对她来说太晚了
We were too late for her.
我对她来说太晚了
I was too late for her.
在宾州州立大学
Here at Penn State,
我们必须要向世界树立一个典范
we have to make an example to the world,
因为这不仅仅发生在宾州州立大学
because this is not just happeninghere at Penn State,
它是全球性的
it’s happening globally.
但在宾州州立大学 我们必须显示出
But here at Penn State, we have to show
我们为我们的学生而存在
that we are here for our students,
我们在谈论精神健康
we are talking about mental health,
我们不害怕谈论精神分裂症
and we are not afraidto talk about schizophrenia.
我的名字是塞西莉娅•麦卡高夫
My name is Cecilia McGough,
我患有精神分裂症 但我并非怪物
I have schizophrenia and I am not a monster.
谢谢大家
Thank you.

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视频概述

小时候老师会告诉我们:大脑中有两个小人儿,一个勤快,一个懒惰。他们总会打架:勤快的小人儿赢了,我们就爱学习;懒惰的小人儿赢了我们就不爱学习~。现在想想,真是后怕,若是到现在为止,脑中的两个小人儿还不分伯仲的话,我也要精神分裂了。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

启点—飞雪群山

审核员

审核员1024

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbagFzcyNiM

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