We know by instinct that humour is pretty important in relationships
But the reasons are often left a little vague
It isn’t that we crudely want entertainment-
there are enough comedians on the TV
We don’t just want to laugh per se
For 2 people to be able to tolerate one another over time
we need to laugh
in the nicest way, at our partner and at ourselves.
Spending time closely around someone inevitably exposes us
to constant departures from what we could call normality or balance.
Our partners will be a little crazy in many areas
and we will be too, of course
They might turn out to ring their mother 5 times a day
clean the kitchen as if a surgery was gonna be performed there
always insist on inviting friends around
or want to ride to the airport 6 hours before a flight
We need to say something but doing so directly
and in a serious voice can be painfully counterproductive
很多时候 对方只是觉得自己被迅速攻击了 他们拒绝察其内情
Too often, the partner just feels swiftly attacked and refuses the inside
leading to stifled irritation and bitterness
And this is where humour comes in
Humour is the most effective way to criticizing another person
without arousing their irritation or self-righteousness
Their laughter isn’t just fun, it’s a sign
that they’ve have acknowledged and attempted to reform them.
If people tend to get annoyed when critisism is delivered in a serious tone
it’s that they can’t see the extent to
which their attitudes have abandoned proportion and balance
They are unable to spot their deviation from mature mean
So the comedic gesture involves subjecting the troublesome aspect of the other to extreme exaggeration
which then jolts them to the recognition of the problem
while at the same time offering them a relief of feeling that they are of course quite that bad.
In the late 1980s, the then Bristish Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
grew increasingly authoritarian with her colleagues and fellow politicians
Serious-minded articles appeared in newspapers urging the Prime Minister to be more empathetic.
It didn’t work at all, Mrs. Thatcher simply got offended and dug in
But then a comedy show using puppets called Spitting Image
turned the Prime Minister in to a deep voice psychopathic matron
with a tendency to whack a naughty colleague over the head with a truncheon
This obviously wasn’t what Mrs. Thatcher actually behaved
and yet it was a 10-fold of exaggeration of a real and painful truth about her
最重要的是 通过这种方式 首相看到了这一点
Remarkably, presented in this form, the Prime Minister can see the point
felt assuage by the wildness of exaggeration
and was in a position to laugh at herself
In her memoir, she recalled tuning into the program and chuckling,
realizing that she would henceforth need to learn to
reign in a tendency that clearly have gotten out of hand
The comedy show was a rehearsing move we all need constantly to make in our relationships.
Here too, we should use the tactic of kindly comic exaggeration
to point out the feelings of another person
Imagine responding to a partner
who had become overly agitated about any sign of dirt in the kitchen.
In answer, we might massively over–play the gravity of the issue and insist:
“Let’s commit suicide over the bread crumbs by the sink.”
“You’re right, life is no longer worth living on this term.”
We can nip around to the late night pharmacy get a bottle of sleeping pill
or else I’ll just take the bread knife to those larger veins in our ankles.
Soon we won’t have to worry about these messy world any longer.
Come on it could even be fun.”
总之 讲话时 你需要保持活跃 轻松幽默
One word, during this speech you need to be chirpy
relaxed with just a playful twitch of the lips as on elaborated of technical details.
The comedians know tone is everything.
The comic move is the blow up departures from the norm to such manifesting absurd proportions
that even the partner can see them for what they always were: overreaction.
Comedy skillfully teaches us that the way to get someone to see that have overreacted
is not to sound matured and reasonable
It is continue to pump up the problems until the overreaction becomes so clear
所以 就让我们先跳出问题 从逗笑对方开始吧
so benign by its outside dimension that our audiences start to laugh
We have learned to criticize through humour and our relationship
will be a whole lot more secured as a result
especially when we allow our lover to magnify our own feelings into jokes in turn.