Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be,
it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent.
How we choose to react to different situations
and the way we express ourselves,
are behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age
when we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment.
Marriage and family counselors, Dr. Millan and Kay Yerkovich
discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing.
A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations
of how we respond to our romantic partners.
But understanding how we love,
we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships.
Here are Dr. Millan and Kay Yerkovich’s five love styles.
在取悦者的成长环境中 父母过度保护 易怒且挑剔
The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent.
小时候 取悦者很乖巧 努力去变得很优秀
As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior,
so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent.
Pleaser children don’t receive comfort.
Instead, they spend their time and energy giving comfort to the reactive parent.
Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict
and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly.
They usually have a hard time saying no and
because they want to minimalize conflict.
They may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations.
As pleaser children grow into adults,
they learn to read the moods of others around them
to make sure they can keep everyone happy.
However, when pleasers feel stressed or believe that
they are continuously letting someone down,
they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.
Pleasers often spread themselves thin
trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic
and instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves,
they focus more on the needs and desires of others.
In order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships,
they have to be honest about their own feelings,
rather than trying to do what is expected of them.
The victim often grows up in a chaotic home.
Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive
by putting less attention on themselves.
So they can stay under the radar.
To deal with their angry violent parents,
victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet.
Because being fully present is painful for them,
victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads
to cope with the dangers they face on a daily basis.
Victims have low self-esteem and
usually struggle with anxiety and depression.
They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents.
Victims learn to cope by being adaptable and going with the flow.
They are so used to chaos and stressful situations
that when they do experience clamness,
it actually makes them feel uneasy.
Because they anticipate the next blow-up.
In order for victims to cultivate healthy stable relationships,
they have to learn self-love and
stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it.
instead of letting their partner walk all over them.
The controller usually grows up in a home
where there wasn’t a lot of protection.
So they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves.
They need to feel in control at all times
to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood
from being exposed in their adulthood.
People with this love style believe that
that they’re in control when they can avoid experiencing
negative feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness.
Controllers, however, don’t associate anger as vulnerability.
So they use it as a weapon to remain in power.
Controllers have rigid tendencies,
but may also be sporadic and unpredictable.
they don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones.
Because it makes them feel weak and unprotected.
They prefer to solve problems on their own
and like getting things done in a certain manner.
Otherwise, they get angry.
In order for controllers to form stable long lasting relationships,
they need to learn how to let go,
trust others and keep their anger at bay.
The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent.
As children, vacillators learned that
their needs aren’t their parents top priority.
Without consistent affection from their parent,
vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment.
But when the parent finally feels like
giving their time and attention to them,
vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it.
As vacillators enter adulthood,
they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children.
Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships.
But once they feel let down or disappointed,
they grow dejected and doubtful.
They often feel misunderstood and
experience a lot of internal conflict and
emotional stress within their relationships.
They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive
which allows them to detect
even the slightest change in others
and know when people are pulling away.
In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy stable relationships,
they need to learn how to pace themselves
and get to know someone before committing too soon,
and getting hurt by their own expectations.
the avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home
that values independence and self-reliance.
As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves
starting at a very young age,
and put their feelings and needs on hold
to deal with their anxieties of
having little to no comfort from their parents.
Avoiders tend to like their space
and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions.
They get uncomfortable
when people around them experience intense mood swings.
In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy long-lasting relationships,
they need to learn how to open up and
express their emotions honestly.
Which love style do you identify with?
Please share your thoughts with us below.
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