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童年对恋爱方式的影响 – 译学馆
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童年对恋爱方式的影响

How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Styles

来吧!心理学
Psych2go.net
虽然我们能选择去活成自己想要的样子
Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be,
但毫无疑问 童年在一定程度上塑造了我们
it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent.
我们应对不同情况的方式
How we choose to react to different situations
和自我表达的方式
and the way we express ourselves,
都是幼时首次学习如何理解所处的环境时
are behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age
所形成的行为模式
when we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment.
婚姻家庭顾问 米兰博士与凯·约高域治
Marriage and family counselors, Dr. Millan and Kay Yerkovich
发现人人都有一种基于其抚养方式的恋爱方式
discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing.
恋爱方式包括
A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations
我们回应爱人的方式
of how we respond to our romantic partners.
理解了我们的恋爱方式
But understanding how we love,
就能认识到恋爱方式对恋爱关系的影响了
we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships.
下面是米兰博士和凯·约高域治定义的5种恋爱方式
Here are Dr. Millan and Kay Yerkovich’s five love styles.
1. 取悦者
1.The Pleaser.
在取悦者的成长环境中 父母过度保护 易怒且挑剔
The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent.
小时候 取悦者很乖巧 努力去变得很优秀
As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior,
这样父母才不会否定他们
so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent.
取悦者得不到安慰
Pleaser children don’t receive comfort.
相反 他们会花时间和精力安慰易怒的父母
Instead, they spend their time and energy giving comfort to the reactive parent.
取悦者不喜欢跟人起冲突也不喜欢处理纠纷
Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict
吵架时通常会让步或迅速弥补过失
and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly.
取悦者通常很难说不
They usually have a hard time saying no and
因为他们想尽可能地减少冲突
because they want to minimalize conflict.
他们可能不诚实 靠说谎来避免发生不愉快的事
They may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations.
取悦者长大后
As pleaser children grow into adults,
为了确保自己能取悦到每一个人
they learn to read the moods of others around them
他们学会了察颜观色
to make sure they can keep everyone happy.
然而 当取悦者感受到压力或
However, when pleasers feel stressed or believe that
认为自己一直让某人失望时
they are continuously letting someone down,
他们会崩溃 而且会逃离那段感情
they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.
取悦者总是试图同时做好多事儿
Pleasers often spread themselves thin
尝试变成大家想要的样子 但那是不可能的
trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic
他们在与人交往时没有设立良好的界限
and instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves,
而是更加关注别人的所需所求
they focus more on the needs and desires of others.
如果取悦者想培养稳定的关系
In order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships,
就必须忠于自己的感受
they have to be honest about their own feelings,
而不是努力做别人想要自己做的事
rather than trying to do what is expected of them.
2. 受害者
2.The Victim.
受害者往往成长于一个混乱的家庭
The victim often grows up in a chaotic home.
为了将注意力从自己身上转移然后生存下去
Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive
他们学会了顺从
by putting less attention on themselves.
以此来保持低调
So they can stay under the radar.
面对着易怒暴力的父母
To deal with their angry violent parents,
受害者们在很小的时候就学会了隐藏和保持安静
victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet.
因为完全暴露出来会让自己很痛苦
Because being fully present is painful for them,
受害者小时候常在脑海中构建一个想象出来的世界
victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads
来应对现实生活里的危险
to cope with the dangers they face on a daily basis.
受害者们自尊心不强
Victims have low self-esteem and
常在焦虑和抑郁中挣扎
usually struggle with anxiety and depression.
他们可能会和行为举止像父母的控制者结婚
They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents.
受害者学会了用适应和随波逐流来应对一切
Victims learn to cope by being adaptable and going with the flow.
他们早已习惯了压力和混乱
They are so used to chaos and stressful situations
以至于在风平浪静之时
that when they do experience clamness,
反而会觉得心神不宁
it actually makes them feel uneasy.
因为他们预料到了接下来的暴风雨
Because they anticipate the next blow-up.
想要建立健康稳定的恋爱关系
In order for victims to cultivate healthy stable relationships,
受害者必须学会自爱
they have to learn self-love and
并且在有需要时学会坚持自我
stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it.
而不是让伴侣一直凌驾于自己之上
instead of letting their partner walk all over them.
3. 控制者
3.The Controller.
控制者通常成长在一个
The controller usually grows up in a home
缺少保护的家庭
where there wasn’t a lot of protection.
所以他们学会了坚强和照顾自己
So they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves.
他们需要随时掌控全局
They need to feel in control at all times
来避免童年时期的脆弱
to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood
在成年后表现出来
from being exposed in their adulthood.
这种恋爱方式的人认为
People with this love style believe that
当他们可以避免经历恐惧 羞耻和无助等负面情绪时
that they’re in control when they can avoid experiencing
万事尽在掌控之中了
negative feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness.
然而 控制者们并不认为愤怒是脆弱的表现
Controllers, however, don’t associate anger as vulnerability.
因此他们将愤怒作为掌控局面的武器
So they use it as a weapon to remain in power.
控制者的态度很强硬
Controllers have rigid tendencies,
还有些阴晴不定
but may also be sporadic and unpredictable.
他们不愿走出自己的舒适区
they don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones.
因为那会让他们感到脆弱和无助
Because it makes them feel weak and unprotected.
他们喜欢单独解决问题
They prefer to solve problems on their own
按固定的步骤来完成任务
and like getting things done in a certain manner.
否则他们就会很生气
Otherwise, they get angry.
控制者们想要获得稳定持久的感情
In order for controllers to form stable long lasting relationships,
须得学会放下
they need to learn how to let go,
相信他人 收敛脾气
trust others and keep their anger at bay.
4. 犹豫者
4.The Vacillator.
在犹豫者的成长过程中 父母一般阴晴不定
The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent.
小时候 他们就懂得了
As children, vacillators learned that
父母最关心的并不是自己的需求
their needs aren’t their parents top priority.
没有感受到来自父母的持续的关爱
Without consistent affection from their parent,
犹豫者对被抛弃产生了恐惧
vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment.
但是当父母终于想
But when the parent finally feels like
给予他们陪伴和关爱时
giving their time and attention to them,
犹豫者通常很愤怒以至于不愿意去接受
vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it.
犹豫者长大后
As vacillators enter adulthood,
他们渴求幼年缺失的稳定的爱
they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children.
犹豫者倾向于将一段新感情理想化
Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships.
但是一旦他们有失望或挫败感
But once they feel let down or disappointed,
就会变得沮丧 自我怀疑
they grow dejected and doubtful.
恋爱时 他们经常感到被人误解
They often feel misunderstood and
经历很多内心挣扎和
experience a lot of internal conflict and
情感压力
emotional stress within their relationships.
他们非常敏感 能洞察人心
They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive
这让他们能够感知到他人的
which allows them to detect
哪怕最细微的改变
even the slightest change in others
知晓他人会何时离开
and know when people are pulling away.
犹豫者想培养健康稳定的恋爱关系
In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy stable relationships,
需要知道如何调整自己
they need to learn how to pace themselves
要先了解对方 以免轻易承诺
and get to know someone before committing too soon,
或因自己的期望而受到伤害
and getting hurt by their own expectations.
5. 逃避者
5.The Avoider.
逃避者常成长于缺少关爱
the avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home
更看重独立自主和自立更生的家庭中
that values independence and self-reliance.
逃避者很小的时候
As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves
就学会了照顾自己
starting at a very young age,
学会将自己的感受和需求置之不理
and put their feelings and needs on hold
来应对因缺少或没有父母的关爱和照抚
to deal with their anxieties of
而产生的焦虑
having little to no comfort from their parents.
逃避者喜欢私人空间
Avoiders tend to like their space
依赖逻辑和客观事实而非情感
and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions.
身边的人有很强烈的情绪波动时
They get uncomfortable
他们会感到不舒服
when people around them experience intense mood swings.
逃避者想要建立健康长久的恋爱关系
In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy long-lasting relationships,
须得学会如何敞开心扉
they need to learn how to open up and
诚实地表达自己的情感
express their emotions honestly.
你属于哪种恋爱类型呢?
Which love style do you identify with?
请在下方和我们分享你的想法
Please share your thoughts with us below.
我们也十分感谢赞助商BetterHelp
Also, we love to give special thanks to our sponsors BetterHelp,
一个为挣扎于心理健康问题人们
an affordable online counseling platform
提供在线咨询的实惠平台
for those who are struggling with mental health.
如果你感兴趣的话
If you’re interested,
我们已经将链接放在了下方的视频简介里
we’ve included a link in the description below.

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来吧!尉英俊

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视频来源

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