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理解离婚对婚姻的帮助 – 译学馆
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理解离婚对婚姻的帮助

How understanding divorce can help your marriage | Jeannie Suk Gersen

“Till death do us part.”
“直到死亡将我们分开”
When we get married, we make vows.
结婚的时候 我们许下誓言
To love, to honor,
爱他/她 尊重他/她
to forsake all others.
忠贞不渝
Or as a friend of mine put it,
或者就像我一个朋友说的
“Not to leave dirty socks all over the house.”
“不要把脏袜子扔得满屋子都是”
(Laughter)
[笑声]
We may fall short of some of our promises some of the time,
有的时候 我们可能做不到某些承诺
but one that will always hold true is that first one:
但有一点是永远成立的 那就是第一点:
“Till death do us part.”
“直到死亡将我们分开”
Because spouses are bound together
因为无论是结婚还是离婚
by their decisions, in marriage and in divorce.
夫妻双方都被他们的决定捆绑在一起
So, a mentor of mine once told me,
所以 我的一位导师曾经告诉我
“You should always marry your second husband first.”
“你应该先嫁给第二任丈夫”
(Laughter)
[笑声]
What did that mean?
什么意思呢?
It didn’t mean that
这并不意味着
Mr. Right is somehow waiting behind door number two.
你的真命天子无缘无故就在二号门后等着你
It meant that if you want to
而是意味着
understand what makes a marriage work,
如果你想知道如何维持婚姻
you should think about how a marriage ends.
你应该想想一段婚姻是怎么结束的
Divorce makes extremely explicit
离婚让婚姻的潜规则
what the tacit rules of marriage are.
变得非常明确
And everyone should understand those rules,
每个人都应该了解这些潜规则
because doing so can help us build
因为这样做可以帮助我们
better marriages from the beginning.
从一开始就建立起良好的婚姻
I know, it doesn’t sound very romantic,
我知道 这听起来不怎么浪漫
but sometimes the things we do out of love can be the very things
但有时候我们出于爱而做的事
that make it hard for that love to last.
恰恰让这份爱难以持久
I am a family-law professor.
我是一名家庭法教授
I have taught students,
我当过老师
I’ve been an attorney,
当过律师
I’m a mediator
现在是调解员
and I’ve also been divorced.
而且 我也离过婚
And I’m now happily married to my actual second husband.
现在 我和我真正的第二任丈夫婚姻幸福
(Laughter)
[笑声]
The reason that I think this is so important is that
我认为这很重要的原因是
I think everyone should be having some of these
每个人都应该进行一些
very painful conversations that divorced people experience.
离婚人士所经历的痛苦的对话
These are painful conversations about what we contributed,
这些痛苦的对话涉及到我们对婚姻的贡献
what we owe,
对婚姻的亏欠
what we are willing to give
我们愿意为婚姻付出什么
and what we give up.
以及放弃什么
And also, what’s important to us.
还有对我们来说什么才是重要的
Those conversations should be happening in a good marriage,
我们应该在美满的婚姻中谈论这些事
not after it is broken.
而不是在婚姻破裂之后
Because when you wait until it’s broken,
因为当你等到婚姻破裂后再谈论这些问题
it’s too late.
就太晚了
But if you have them early on,
但如果你早一点做这件事
they can actually help build a better marriage.
对建立更美好的婚姻是很有帮助的
Three ideas that I want to put on the table
我有三个观点想告诉大家
for you to consider.
供大家参考
One, sacrifice should be thought of as a fair exchange.
第一 你们应该把牺牲看成一种公平的交换
Two, there’s no such thing as free childcare.
第二 天下没有免费的育儿服务
And three, what’s yours probably becomes ours.
第三 一个人的东西可能会变成两人共有的
So let me talk about each of these ideas.
我来逐个讲讲这些观点
The first one,
第一个
sacrifice should be a fair exchange.
牺牲应该是一种公平交换
Take the example of Lisa and Andy.
以Lisa和Andy为例
Lisa decides to go to medical school early in the marriage,
Lisa决定在婚后就去医学院读书
and Andy works to support them.
由Andy上班来支撑这个家
And Andy works night shifts in order to do that,
为此Andy上起了夜班
and he also gives up a great job in another city.
他还放弃了在另一个城市的好工作
He does this out of love.
他这么做是因为爱
But of course, he also understands
当然他也知道
that Lisa’s degree will benefit them both in the end.
Lisa获得学位最终对他们俩都有好处
But after a few years, Andy becomes neglected and resentful.
但几年后 Andy感到自己被忽视 变得愤愤不平
And he starts drinking heavily.
他开始酗酒
And Lisa looks at her life and she looks at Andy and she thinks,
Lisa看了看自己的生活和Andy的状况 她心想
“This is not the bargain I wanted to make.”
“这不是我想要的交换”
A couple of years go by,
几年过去了
she graduates from medical school,
她从医学院毕业了
and she files for a divorce.
然后她申请离婚
So in my perfect world,
理想状态下
some kind of marriage mediator would have been able
在Lisa去医学院之前
to talk to them before Lisa went to medical school.
应该有某个婚姻调解员和他们俩谈谈
And at that point, that mediator might have asked,
那时候 这个调解员可能会问
“How exactly does fair exchange work?
“公平交换究竟是如何进行的?
What does it look like in your marriage?
这种交换在你们的婚姻里是什么样的?
What are you willing to give
你愿意给对方什么?
and what are you willing to owe?”
你愿意欠对方什么?”
So in a divorce,
所以 离婚的时候
Lisa now probably is going to owe Andy financial support for years.
Lisa现在可能会欠Andy多年来的经济支持
And Andy …
对Andy来说
no amount of financial support is going to make him feel compensated for what he gave up,
再多的钱也无法弥补他所放弃的东西
and the lost traction in his career.
以及他失去的事业前景
If the two of them had thought about their split early on,
如果他们很早就考虑到了离婚这一点
what might have gone differently?
事情会有什么不一样呢?
Well, it’s possible that Lisa would have decided that she would take loans or work a part-time job
Lisa有可能会决定贷款读书或是找一份兼职
in order to support her own tuition
来支付她的学费
so that Andy wouldn’t have had to bear the entire burden for that.
那么Andy就不必一个人扛起所有的重担
And Andy might have decided to take that job in that other city
Andy可能会决定接受在另一个城市的工作
and maybe the two of them would have commuted for a couple of years
也许在Lisa完成学业的几年时间里
while Lisa finished her degree.
他们会往返于两地
So let’s take another couple, Emily and Deb.
我们再来看另一对夫妻 Emily和Deb
They live in a big city,
她们住在大城市
they have two children, they both work.
她们都有工作 还有两个孩子
Emily gets a job in a small town,
Emily在一个小镇上找了一份工作
and they decide to move there together.
她们决定一起搬到那里
And Deb quits her job to look after the children full-time.
Deb辞掉了工作 全职带孩子
Deb leaves behind an extended family,
她离开了自己的大家庭
her friends
她的朋友
and a job that she really liked.
还放弃了她真正喜欢的工作
And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely.
在那个小镇上 Deb开始感到孤单和寂寞
And 10 years later, Deb has an affair,
10年后 Deb有了婚外情
and things fall apart.
一切分崩离析
Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in before they moved
那么 如果在她们搬家以及Deb辞职之前
and before Deb quit her job
有婚姻调解员的介入
might have asked them,
他可能会问这对夫妻
“What do your choices about childcare do
“你们在育儿方面的选择
to the obligations you have to each other?
如何影响你们对彼此的责任?
How do they affect your relationship?
又会如何影响你们的关系?
Because you have to remember
因为你们要记住
that there is no such thing as free childcare.”
天下没有免费的育儿服务”
If the two of them had thought about their split beforehand,
如果她们事先考虑过离婚的事
what would have gone differently?
会有什么不一样呢?
Well, maybe Deb would have realized a little better how much
也许Deb在决定全职带孩子的时候
her family and her friends were important to her
会更清楚地意识到
precisely in what she was taking on, which is full-time parenthood.
她的家人和朋友对她来说有多么重要
Perhaps Emily, in weighing the excitement of the new job offer
也许 Emily沉醉于新工作带来的兴奋时
might have also thought about
也会想想 对Deb来说
what that would mean for the cost to Deb
她付出的代价意味着什么
and what would be owed to Deb
还有Deb全职带孩子之后
as a result of her taking on full-time parenthood.
她对Deb的亏欠
So, let’s go back to Lisa and Andy.
我们回到Lisa和Andy的例子上
Lisa had an inheritance from her grandmother before the marriage.
婚前 Lisa从祖母那里继承了一笔遗产
And when they got married, they bought a home,
他们结婚后买了一套房子
and Lisa put that inheritance toward a down payment on that home.
Lisa把这笔遗产用来支付房子的首付
And then Andy of course worked to make the mortgage payments.
当然 后来由Andy挣钱支付房贷
And all of their premarital and
他们所有的婚前和婚后财产
marital property became joined.
都变成了共同财产
That inheritance is now marital property.
那笔遗产现在是夫妻共同财产
So, in a split, what’s going to happen?
那么 离婚的时候会怎样呢?
They’re going to have to sell the house and split the proceeds,
他们不得不卖掉房子平分收益
or one of them can buy the other out.
或其中一人把这房子买下来
So this marriage mediator,
如果这些事情发生之前
if they had talked to them before all of this happened,
有婚姻调解员跟他们谈谈
that person would have asked,
问他们
“What do you want to keep separate
“有哪些东西你们想分开持有?
and what do you want to keep together?
有哪些东西你们想共同拥有?
And how does that choice actually support the security of the marriage?
你们的选择又如何保障婚姻的稳定?
Because you have to remember
因为你们要记住
that what’s yours, probably, will become ours,
一个人的东西可能会变成两人共有的
unless you actually are mindful and take steps to do otherwise.”
除非你心中有数 并且有其他办法”
So if they had thought about their split,
那么 如果他们考虑到了离婚这一步
maybe they would have decided differently,
也许他们的选择会有所不同
maybe Lisa would have thought,
也许Lisa会想到
“Maybe the inheritance can stay separate,”
“遗产也许不必变成共同财产”
and saved for a day when they might actually need it.
可以把它留到真正需要的那一天
And maybe the mortgage that they took on wouldn’t have been as onerous,
也许他们承担的房贷就不会那么繁重
and maybe Andy wouldn’t have had to work so hard
也许Andy就不需要这么辛苦地工作
to make those payments.
来支付房贷了
And maybe he would have become less resentful.
也许他就不会这么愤愤不平
Maybe they would have lived in a smaller house and been content to do that.
也许他们会满足于住在小一点的房子里
The point is,
重要的是
if they had had a divorce-conscious
如果他们在有离婚意识的情况下
discussion about what to keep separate,
讨论过哪些东西应该分开持有
their marriage might have been more connected and more together.
他们的婚姻可能会更亲密 更融洽
Too often in marriage, we make sacrifices,
在婚姻中 我们经常做出牺牲
and we demand them, without reckoning their cost.
我们需要有人做出牺牲 却没有考虑代价
But there is wisdom in looking at the price tags
但是 用离婚法教给我们的方式
attached to our marital decisions in just the way that divorce law
来看待我们在婚姻中的决定所附带的价格标签
teaches us to do.
是明智的
What I want is for people to think about
我想让大家从离婚的角度
their marital bargains through the lens of divorce.
来思考你们的“婚姻交易”
And to ask,
问一问
“How is marriage a sacrifice,
“为什么婚姻是一种牺牲
but an exchange of sacrifice?
而这种牺牲不可交换呢?
How do we think about our exchange?”
我们怎么来看待这种交换?”
Second:
第二
“How do we think about childcare
“在育儿方面我们是怎么打算的?
and deal with the fact that there is no such thing as free childcare?”
如何看待天下没有免费育儿这个事实?”
“How do we deal with the fact that some things can be separate
“我们怎么看待有的东西是可以分开持有的
and if we don’t think about it,
如果我们不考虑这些
then it will all be part of the joint enterprise.”
那所有东西都会成为共同财产的一部分”
So basically,
总的来说
what I want to leave you with is that in marriage or divorce,
我想要告诉大家的是 不论结婚还是离婚
people should think about the way that
大家应该想想那“至死不渝”的婚姻
“till death do us part” marriage is forever.
怎样才能永恒
Thank you.
谢谢大家
(Applause)
[掌声]

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视频概述

了解离婚的原因,或许会使婚姻更长久。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Spencer

审核员

审核员LW

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g8BeujckJY

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