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如何悲惨地过完这一生? – 译学馆
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如何悲惨地过完这一生?

How to waste your life and be miserable. (or how to live and be happy)

Hey psst!
嘿 看过来
Do you wanna learn how to waste your life and be as miserable as you possibly can?
你想知道如何浪费时间 如何把生活过得要多苦有多苦吗?
Alright then, watch this video carefully,
那你就仔细看这个视频
because this might be the difference between living
因为这关乎到一个区别:
happily and enjoying every day
你想快慰平生
or living a life full of miserable sadness.
还是悲惨一生
And misery is not just a destination.
痛苦不只是目的地
It’s a bit like football:
它有点像足球
a skill set that can be honed and perfected.
是可以磨练且臻于完善的一套技巧
So in this video, based on the book:
本视频里 我们将从兰迪·帕特森的
How to be Miserable by Randy J. Paterson,
《如何悲惨地过完一生》这本书讲起
you will learn a variety of strategies grouped
你将学到许多策略
into 5 easy steps to follow to become less happy.
这些策略可分为5小步 教你如何变得不快乐
Along the way,
在这个过程中
you may discover that you have already mastered many of them
你会发现其实自己已掌握了其中的多数技能
and practice them on a daily basis.
而且每天都在练习
But you can always get better—or perhaps I should say worse.
但你一直可以做的更好——或者我应该说更坏
First Become an Island unto yourself.
首先 成为一座孤岛
We are a social species.
我们是社交物种
Unlike bears, we are built to spend our time in groups.
不像熊一样 我们人的大部分时间都在群体中度过
Alone on the savannah, we would never have lasted long.
在大草原上落单的人根本活不了多久
For most of human history,
从人类的漫长历史来看
we appear to have lived in tribes of around 75-150
我们以前生活在75-150人的部落里
and those who could not handle the complexity of the relationships would go off on their own.
而那些处理不好复杂人际关系的人会自行离开
Tigers need to eat, after all.
成为饥肠辘辘的老虎的腹中之物
So here we have a great strategy to become more miserable.
所以让自己更痛苦的一个绝妙策略就是
Isolate yourself.
自我孤立
Build an island.
画地为牢
Put up the fence, close the basement door, switch on the computer,
建起围墙 紧闭大门 打开电脑
and kid yourself that you have successfully replaced in-the-flesh social contact.
骗自己已成功替换了现实社交联系
It is one of the most effective routes to unhappiness that exists.
这是现存的最有效的让自己不快乐的路径之一
Second, Take things seriously.
第二 过于认真
Very seriously.
小题大做
Very.. very seriously.
杞人忧天
And take them personally. Keep yourself distant and unapproachable.
让自己变得煞气腾腾 使自己遥远不可亲近
You don’t want to spend time with those inferior, inadequate, stupid or unpleasant people,
因为你才不想与那些差劲的 缺心眼的 愚蠢的 讨厌的人共度时光
which by the way should be everyone in your eyes,
顺便说一下 那些人可能是你见到的任何人
just judge them as soon as you see them
你见到第一面就给别人下定论
and then remember keep your distance.
然后记住要与人家保持距离
If you happen to be with someone,
如果你巧遇讨厌的人
and have to spend some time with them, complain.
要和他们共度时间 你就不停发牢骚
Complain about anything and everything.
喋喋不休地抱怨一切
Complain about the weather, about noise, about your neighbors,
抱怨天气 噪音 邻居
and my favourite complain
而我最喜欢抱怨的就是
about the government and the system.
政府和体制
Mhh sweet.
太爽了
Third, there are three times that matter.
第三 有三种时刻最重要
The past the future and the present.
过去 未来 还有现在
Yeeeah.. Wwe don’t need the present.
会 我们不需要现在
Because you should spend most of your day thinking and living in the past
因为你将大把时间花在缅怀过去上 你活在过去
reminding yourself how bad things were,
你一直在昨日重现里痛断心肠
and in the evening try to think and worry about the future,
到了晚上 你就开始忧虑未来
about things that will most likely never happen, but still,
你在忧虑那些根本不可能发生的事情 但你就是忍不住要忧虑
you don’t want to waste your day without worrying.
你才不会把时间浪费在没有忧虑的日子里呢
So play some scenarios in your head,
所以就尽情在脑海里上演狗血剧吧
play the “what if” game.
题目就叫“如果…怎么办?”
I mean what if you can’t find a job after college?
如果我大学毕业找不到工作怎么办?
And if you get sick?
如果我生病怎么办?
What if you fail your exams next week?
如果我下周的考试挂了怎么办?
And for bonus points try to do this right before going to bed
如果想让自己更伤心的话 就睡前在脑海中过一遍这些情节吧
so you can maximize the misery from it.
这样你就能将痛苦最大化
Think of something that might happen tomorrow, something bad,
想一些明天可能发生的事情 坏事情
let your mind consume that.
让你的大脑渐渐消化这些事情
Now roll over and slide gently off to sleep.
现在翻来覆去地想 直到自己被累进梦乡
Good luck with that.
祝你做个衰梦
Fourth, one of the best ways to be miserable is to
第四 变痛苦的一个好方法就是
relinquish your goals altogether,
把你所有目标都抛至脑后
thus becoming utterly directionless.
然后你就会完全失去方向
But if, like many people, misery is not your only goal,
但如果你像很多人一样 不把痛苦当成唯一目标
then you can dissatisfy yourself with the way you approach your various missions.
那你就会不满足于自己处理多个任务的方式
Instead of setting SMART goals which stand for Specific,
比如你可以避免设置那些具体
Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Defined.
可测 可行 现实 有时限的机智目标
Set all of your immediate goals VAPID:
设置目标时要遵循VAPID原则
Vague, Amorphous, Pie in the Sky, Irrelevant and Delayed.
即模糊(V) 不成形(A) 杂乱(P) 跑偏(I) 拖沓(D)
Most ultimate goals are a long way off—
大多数终极目标的实现都需要走一条漫漫长征路
and if you allow yourself to focus on the smaller steps,
但只要你关注脚下的每一小步
you will frequently find that you have succeeded.
你就会不断发现自己一路走来离成功越来越近了
This runs the risk of increasing your
你千万别冒这个险
enthusiasm to continue on the path you set for yourself.
因为脚踏实地会增加你为了既定目标继续走下去的热情
Soo, be sure to never do that.
所以 你一定不要把走好一小步当目标
Instead, stubbornly attend to the ultimate goal.
相反 你要倔强地只看最终目标
If there are fifty steps in the process,
如果需要50步你才能圆满飞升
you will get forty-nine identical answers of “Not Yet.”
那你就得向自己强调49次你都得摔个半死
That way you can maintain the aura of failure for almost the entire journey.
这样你差不多就能一路都沐浴在失败的颓气中了
This will make sure that your interest and motivation degrades,
这会确保你兴趣丧失 士气低迷
and you are likely to give up long before you reach the finish line.
这样你可能在马拉松长跑刚开始就放弃
Fifth, and finally,
第五 要祭上终极法宝了
let fear paralyze you,
即让恐惧麻痹你
and please do not leave your comfort zone.
永远不要离开舒适区
If you have the urge to do something new or make a change in your life,
如果你急于做一些事情使自己的生活得到改观
immediately stop and let it pass.
连浅尝辄止也不要 直接拉倒吧
Simply obey your impulses.
请遵从自己卑微的内心
If your impulses say that
如果你的心告诉你
you should avoid dogs, heights, people, talking to your crush,
你害怕狗 害怕高 害怕人 害怕爱恋
enclosed spaces, traveling, asking questions,
害怕密闭空间 害怕旅行 害怕问问题
relationships, airplanes, tests, medical exams,
害怕爱情 害怕飞机 害怕测验 害怕医学考试
job interviews, and all potential humiliations.
害怕求职面试 害怕一切可能使你蒙羞之事
Than do exactly that.
那就不要去做吧
Avoid them at all costs.
请不惜付出一切代价来避免这些事情
We don’t want any kind of novelty or risks.
我们才不想体验新奇 才不想担任何风险呢
Stop growing, stop wanting more,
所以停止进步 停止滋长渴望
stop doing stuff and wait for the perfect moment.
就啥事儿不干等天上掉馅饼就行了
Just lean back, be passive and let the time pass by.
就瘫在沙发上 消极地让时间悄悄溜走
You will do those scary things when you feel like it.
那些可怕的事情等你胆儿肥了再做吧
You know, maybe that’s a good idea.
反正 逃避也是一种面对
Yeah, maybe.. maybe you’ll do better in the next life.
唉 就这样吧 或许你下辈子就能活得像样了

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视频概述

只要你想,你可以用一万种方法让自己不快乐、给自己找麻烦,自轻自贱、自瞒自骗,让自己更颓更丧,悲惨地过完这一生……

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收集自网络

翻译译者

ABC

审核员

审核员 T

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVglnpZTZUs

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