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如何悲惨地过完这一生? – 译学馆
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如何悲惨地过完这一生?

How to waste your life and be miserable. (or how to live and be happy)

嘿 看过来
Hey psst!
你想知道如何浪费时间 如何把生活过得要多苦有多苦吗?
Do you wanna learn how to waste your life and be as miserable as you possibly can?
那你就仔细看这个视频
Alright then, watch this video carefully,
因为这关乎到一个区别:
because this might be the difference between living
你想快慰平生
happily and enjoying every day
还是悲惨一生
or living a life full of miserable sadness.
痛苦不只是目的地
And misery is not just a destination.
它有点像足球
It’s a bit like football:
是可以磨练且臻于完善的一套技巧
a skill set that can be honed and perfected.
本视频里 我们将从兰迪·帕特森的
So in this video, based on the book:
《如何悲惨地过完一生》这本书讲起
How to be Miserable by Randy J. Paterson,
你将学到许多策略
you will learn a variety of strategies grouped
这些策略可分为5小步 教你如何变得不快乐
into 5 easy steps to follow to become less happy.
在这个过程中
Along the way,
你会发现其实自己已掌握了其中的多数技能
you may discover that you have already mastered many of them
而且每天都在练习
and practice them on a daily basis.
但你一直可以做的更好——或者我应该说更坏
But you can always get better—or perhaps I should say worse.
首先 成为一座孤岛
First Become an Island unto yourself.
我们是社交物种
We are a social species.
不像熊一样 我们人的大部分时间都在群体中度过
Unlike bears, we are built to spend our time in groups.
在大草原上落单的人根本活不了多久
Alone on the savannah, we would never have lasted long.
从人类的漫长历史来看
For most of human history,
我们以前生活在75-150人的部落里
we appear to have lived in tribes of around 75-150
而那些处理不好复杂人际关系的人会自行离开
and those who could not handle the complexity of the relationships would go off on their own.
成为饥肠辘辘的老虎的腹中之物
Tigers need to eat, after all.
所以让自己更痛苦的一个绝妙策略就是
So here we have a great strategy to become more miserable.
自我孤立
Isolate yourself.
画地为牢
Build an island.
建起围墙 紧闭大门 打开电脑
Put up the fence, close the basement door, switch on the computer,
骗自己已成功替换了现实社交联系
and kid yourself that you have successfully replaced in-the-flesh social contact.
这是现存的最有效的让自己不快乐的路径之一
It is one of the most effective routes tounhappiness that exists.
第二 过于认真
Second, Take things seriously.
小题大做
Very seriously.
杞人忧天
Very.. very seriously.
让自己变得煞气腾腾 使自己遥远不可亲近
And take them personally. Keep yourself distant and unapproachable.
因为你才不想与那些差劲的 缺心眼的 愚蠢的 讨厌的人共度时光
You don’t want to spend time with those inferior, inadequate, stupid or unpleasant people,
顺便说一下 那些人可能是你见到的任何人
which by the way should be everyone in your eyes,
你见到第一面就给别人下定论
just judge them as soon as you see them
然后记住要与人家保持距离
and then remember keep your distance.
如果你巧遇讨厌的人
If you happen to be with someone,
要和他们共度时间 你就不停发牢骚
and have to spend some time with them, complain.
喋喋不休地抱怨一切
Complain about anything and everything.
抱怨天气 噪音 邻居
Complain about the weather, about noise, about your neighbors,
而我最喜欢抱怨的就是
and my favourite complain
政府和体制
about the government and the system.
太爽了
Mhh sweet.
第三 有三种时刻最重要
Third, there are three times that matter.
过去 未来 还有现在
The past the future and the present.
会 我们不需要现在
Yeeeah.. Wwe don’t need the present.
因为你将大把时间花在缅怀过去上 你活在过去
Because you should spend most of your day thinking and living in the past
你一直在昨日重现里痛断心肠
reminding yourself how bad things were,
到了晚上 你就开始忧虑未来
and in the evening try to think and worry about the future,
你在忧虑那些根本不可能发生的事情 但你就是忍不住要忧虑
about things that will most likely never happen, but still,
你才不会把时间浪费在没有忧虑的日子里呢
you don’t want to waste your day without worrying.
所以就尽情在脑海里上演狗血剧吧
So play some scenarios in your head,
题目就叫“如果…怎么办?”
play the “what if” game.
如果我大学毕业找不到工作怎么办?
I mean what if you can’t find a job aftercollege?
如果我生病怎么办?
And if you get sick?
如果我下周的考试挂了怎么办?
What if you fail your exams next week?
如果想让自己更伤心的话 就睡前在脑海中过一遍这些情节吧
And for bonus points try to do this right before going to bed
这样你就能将痛苦最大化
so you can maximize the misery from it.
想一些明天可能发生的事情 坏事情
Think of something that might happen tomorrow, something bad,
让你的大脑渐渐消化这些事情
let your mind consume that.
现在翻来覆去地想 直到自己被累进梦乡
Now roll over and slide gently off to sleep.
祝你做个衰梦
Good luck with that.
第四 变痛苦的一个好方法就是
Fourth, one of the best ways to be miserable is to
把你所有目标都抛至脑后
relinquish your goals altogether,
然后你就会完全失去方向
thus becoming utterly directionless.
但如果你像很多人一样 不把痛苦当成唯一目标
But if, like many people, misery is not your only goal,
那你就会不满足于自己处理多个任务的方式
then you can dissatisfy yourself with the way you approach your various missions.
比如你可以避免设置那些具体
Instead of setting SMART goals which stand for Specific,
可测 可行 现实 有时限的机智目标
Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Defined.
设置目标时要遵循VAPID原则
Set all of your immediate goals VAPID:
即模糊(V) 不成形(A) 杂乱(P) 跑偏(I) 拖沓(D)
Vague, Amorphous, Pie in the Sky, Irrelevant and Delayed.
大多数终极目标的实现都需要走一条漫漫长征路
Most ultimate goals are a long way off—
但只要你关注脚下的每一小步
and if you allow yourself to focus on the smaller steps,
你就会不断发现自己一路走来离成功越来越近了
you will frequently find that you have succeeded.
你千万别冒这个险
This runs the risk of increasing your
因为脚踏实地会增加你为了既定目标继续走下去的热情
enthusiasm to continue on the path you set for yourself.
所以 你一定不要把走好一小步当目标
Soo, be sure to never do that.
相反 你要倔强地只看最终目标
Instead, stubbornly attend to the ultimate goal.
如果需要50步你才能圆满飞升
If there are fifty steps in the process,
那你就得向自己强调49次你都得摔个半死
you will get forty-nine identical answers of “Not Yet.”
这样你差不多就能一路都沐浴在失败的颓气中了
That way you can maintain the aura of failure for almost the entire journey.
这会确保你兴趣丧失 士气低迷
This will make sure that your interest and motivation degrades,
这样你可能在马拉松长跑刚开始就放弃
and you are likely to give up long before you reach the finish line.
第五 要祭上终极法宝了
Fifth, and finally,
即让恐惧麻痹你
let fear paralyze you,
永远不要离开舒适区
and please do not leave your comfort zone.
如果你急于做一些事情使自己的生活得到改观
If you have the urge to do something new or make a change in your life,
连浅尝辄止也不要 直接拉倒吧
immediately stop and let it pass.
请遵从自己卑微的内心
Simply obey your impulses.
如果你的心告诉你
If your impulses say that
你害怕狗 害怕高 害怕人 害怕爱恋
you should avoid dogs, heights, people, talking to your crush,
害怕密闭空间 害怕旅行 害怕问问题
enclosed spaces, traveling, asking questions,
害怕爱情 害怕飞机 害怕测验 害怕医学考试
relationships, airplanes, tests, medical exams,
害怕求职面试 害怕一切可能使你蒙羞之事
job interviews, and all potentialhumiliations.
那就不要去做吧
Than do exactly that.
请不惜付出一切代价来避免这些事情
Avoid them at all costs.
我们才不想体验新奇 才不想担任何风险呢
We don’t want any kind of novelty or risks.
所以停止进步 停止滋长渴望
Stop growing, stop wanting more,
就啥事儿不干等天上掉馅饼就行了
stop doing stuff and wait for the perfect moment.
就瘫在沙发上 消极地让时间悄悄溜走
Just lean back, be passive and let the time pass by.
那些可怕的事情等你胆儿肥了再做吧
You will do those scary things when you feel like it.
反正 逃避也是一种面对
You know, maybe that’s a good idea.
唉 就这样吧 或许你下辈子就能活得像样了
Yeah, maybe.. maybe you’ll do better in the next life.

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视频概述

只要你想,你可以用一万种方法让自己不快乐、给自己找麻烦,自轻自贱、自瞒自骗,让自己更颓更丧,悲惨地过完这一生……

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审核员 T

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVglnpZTZUs

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