When it comes to sex, we are – in theory – living in wildly liberated times.
So you’d think it would easy to feel at ease owning up to certain sorts of sexual desires.
But for most of us, the world doesn’t actually feel that generous about fetishes.
It’s very tricky to talk about many of the things that turn us on – especially with our partners.
Our fetishes can seem deeply weird, perverse or politically incorrect.
So we stay quiet. And it is not only the reactions of others
which cause us anxiety. We might at times ourselves worry there’s something a bit wrong with us.
为了更加自信 我们应该提出个有关性的哲学问题 我们的恋物癖意味着什么
To get more confident, we should get philosophical about sex and ask: what do our fetishes really mean?
Why do we even have them?
The good news is that the things that turn us on are in fact really very logical and
hardly ever simply odd or twisted.
Here is how it works: Every fetish or sexual obsession is really
an imagined erotic solution to a real world anxiety.
Let’s look at some very common turn ons through this theory:
对大部分人 制服诱惑是个让人兴奋的主要方法 特别是医生 护士 消防员和飞行员
People in uniforms are for many of us a major turn on, especially doctors, nurses, firemen and pilots.
Tellingly, erotic websites are full of uniforms
What’s going on?
As so often with turn-ons, uniforms are exciting because there is an underlying anxiety around them.
How many times we’re belittled by people in uniform: ignored by a busy doctor,
made to feel like lowly fools by the heroic fireman, intimidated by the pilot…
Authority is frequently hostile to us and frustrates our desires.
But in sex, we can reverse this situation. Here uniforms can be invited into our games.
The uniform still stands for authority. But now authority has moved to our side, paying
us exactly the right kind of attention.
飞行员 不会保持面无表情 而是激动地和我们在一起
The pilot, far from being impassively at the controls, is thrilled to be here with us,
she is no longer a stern-faced controller of the Airbus A380, but our collaborator and friend.
The busy sensible doctor is no longer just stern and responsible, only interested in
blood sugar levels and kidney functions: he wants us to have fun.
A real world ideal is being sketched in sex: we’re being invited to imagine what authority
might like if it helped rather than hindered us, reassured rather than intimidated us.
性是代表着力量 组织 整洁 和
Sex is hinting at a utopia where strength, organisation, neatness and order would be
有着让我们更加安逸 放松 可触及的秩序的理想国度
there to make us feel more at ease, more relaxed and truer to ourselves.
We are taught from a young age that we must become independent. We live in an individualistic
culture that constantly vilifies dependence and pushes us towards an ideal of solitary maturity.
但有些人会因另外的东西而兴奋 : 完全被动的服从
But some of us are excited by something very different: the idea of submission, of being
totally passive, perhaps becoming someone’s slave, surrendering all autonomy and just
letting another person do everything and anything to us.
Being a ‘slave’ means that someone else will know exactly what we should do, will
take full responsibility, will take choice away from us.
This is curiously nice, because we’re not surrendering to any old person, we’re surrendering
我们屈服于那些完美的 贴心的 关注我们兴趣的人
to someone who is good and kind and interested in our pleasure. The delight we take in surrender
reveals how hard it is always to have to be in control – how much we long for someone
else to take charge fully sometimes, as a relief from the pressures of daily life.
In the real world so many crucial tasks actually depend on one’s capacity not to be daunted
by suffering. Taking on the masochistic role rehearses – in erotic play – a fundamental
idea, that of being good at suffering, of being willing and able (and even at time eager)
to “take it”: to be strong because one has invited someone to call one a stupid bastard or a bitch.
It’s a common feature of all sexual fantasies that they do not – of course – genuinely
解决了他们寻求兴奋点的问题 但是我们不必担心 如果
solve the problems from which they draw their excitement. But we shouldn’t worry if the
fantasy fails to solve the problem in reality. What we’re looking for here is simply a
way of explaining and sympathising with the desire and the erotic relief.
We’re not generally allowed to be very bossy with anyone. In our hearts, we might like
to be very demanding and insistent. We might like to enforce absolute obedience on all
对那些公然反抗我们的人 但是我们知道严格和专制是多么糟糕 我们必须
those who defy us. But we know how bad it is to be too strict and tyrannical. We have
to go gently – all the time.
但是在性游戏中 我们主导的意愿会使之放松 某人把自己
But in a sexual game, our will to dominate can be let loose. Someone puts themselves
in our hands and asks that we do with them as we please. What a deep honour!
他们让我们大声喊 盛气凌人 发号施令——正如我们一直不敢做的
They allow us to shout, bully and order us around – as we otherwise never dare to.
现在这命令只能被高兴地接受 你可以变得强大 苛刻和坚持
And now the commands are met only with delight. You can be as strong, harsh and insistent
as you like, safe in the knowledge that the other person is going to be just fine.
在外面做又会怎样呢？在公园里 电梯里 或者在派对后面的厕所里…
Why can it be such a turn on to do it outside? In a park, an elevator, or the toilets behind the party…
Again, it’s to do with healing a wound from daily life.
通常情况下 我们觉得自己必须谨慎 举止得体：在电梯
Normally, we sense that we have to be guarded, on our best behaviour: out there in the elevators,
public plazas, shopping centres, garage forecourts of the world. Even nature is seen as quite
hostile – a cold, dangerous place where enemies may set upon us.
But in the sex games we play outside, we can prove that the public realm is not as threatening
我们按自己喜欢来表现 表现我们的欲望 即使
as we had supposed. We can behave as we’d like. Show our desires, and survive. And if
其他人不同意 也不能阻止我们 我们已经强大到可以无视他们
other people disapprove, that can’t stop us, we’re strong enough to disregard them.
Public sex civilises the wilderness and the lonely formal places of the city.
It lets us feel more at home in the world.
One can analyse almost any so-called fetish and find similar structures: an anxiety and
a corresponding solution, to which an erotic charge has become connected.
就像这样 性爱场面可以被我们自己解释 而且关键是
Looked at like this, sexual scenarios can be explained to ourselves – and, crucially
to other people in our lives – in fairly rational, sensible terms.
Ee can explain how our fear of being responsible became oppressive, and
therefore why we enjoy being put in a dog collar. Or why we were afraid of authority,
and therefore what fun it is to be examined by a doctor in bed.
By talking like this, we can hope that sexual tastes will become less a little shameful
and a little less threatening – and our erotic games in their own way, a lot more
logical and sane.