Like it or not, we have all been awkward
at different points in our lives.
And sometimes that awkwardness gets in the way
of connecting with other people,
or even just feeling confident in ourselves.
But awkwardness doesn’t have to be the end of the line.
In fact, if you handle yourself well,
you can turn awkwardness, whether it’s just a moment
or a way of being, into confidence,
which is what we are covering in this video,
featuring Tom Holland.
Now I’m not saying that Tom Holland is an awkward guy.
Always, I’m saying that he is very skilled at
turning those more difficult moments around.
So first off,
you can improve both your self-confidence
and other people’s perception of you
in nearly every situation
simply by adjusting your body language.
For instance, Tom is able to convey
例如 在聊天中 荷兰弟能够
a sense of comfort and ease while he speaks
by following the 3 second rule of eye contact
and shifting his gaze to various people.
And you have to go through an exam
process to get into this school,
which obviously I didn’t do,
um… and she said, “Hey, man, what’s your deal?
她就问 “嘿 伙计 你是怎么回事
How are you here?”
I was like, “Well, let me tell you my secret.
我说 “ 好吧 告诉你一个秘密
I’m actually um…I’m actually spider-man.”
The 3 second rule of eye contact says that
instead of looking down or away
or awkwardly staring at someone for way too long,
give everyone in a group
at least three seconds of eye contact
before moving to the next individual.
Now of course, this number isn’t exact every single time,
but it’s the amount of time
that generally makes someone feel included in a conversation.
If you’re listening to someone speak,
more continuous eye contact is totally appropriate
since there’s one person speaking.
But the 3 second rule is an easy way to capture an audience,
even if you’re a bit nervous while speaking.
You’ll also notice that Tom tends to show his palms
and gesticulate frequently while he speaks.
Go through an exam process to get into this school,
which obviously I didn’t do…
It was like a couple hundred thousand.
Oh, that’s a lot. Yeah.
I was like, “this is amazing!”
Not only do his gestures
make his comments more intriguing to listen to,
but in revealing his palms specifically,
he avoids a trap that awkward and nervous people
fall into all the time.
When you hide your palms,
it sends a subconscious signal to the other person
that you may be keeping something from them.
And that can result in making you come across as less trustworthy.
So get your hands out of your pockets,
especially when things get uncomfortable,
and don’t grip the podium if you’re giving a speech
or a chair if you are seated.
Reveal your palms,
and you will immediately come across
more confidently and more trustworthy.
Now the overarching rule that you can see
in all of Tom’s body language that is excellent for anytime
you’re put into a difficult or awkward situation,
be that karaoke, dancing or even just giving a speech,
Check out Tom’s rendition of Rihanna’s Umbrella.
Dressing up like Rihanna and dancing provocatively
would make most men freeze
and become extremely rigid.
It’s that fear of being judged or criticized
that causes them to subconsciously
limit their range of motion and even facial expressions
so as to draw less attention to themselves.
Unfortunately, it’s exactly that limited expression
that signals discomfort
and creates an awkward experience for everyone present
and especially the people watching you.
But by committing fully from his dance moves
to his facial expressions,
a scenario that could go terribly becomes one
where Tom’s confidence shines through
and you see the same principle at
play with Jack Black.
I just have been watching the show back stage,
– and everyone has such good moves – Yeah
– 每个人都跳的很好 – 是的
– I was feeling the pressures, I…
– I gotta bust out some moves on the way down there. – Yeah
– 我下去的时候要做出些动作 – 是啊
– so I don’t really have the moves – No, you do
– 所以我真的没有舞步 – 不 你有
– but I make up for it with just like commitment.
– 但我很投入地在做 这也算弥补了
So if you do something goofy,
whether it’s on purpose or by accident,
your best bet is to go all of the way.
Paradoxically by embracing awkward situations fully,
you show more confidence than every other person on the sidelines,
which brings us to the times
when awkwardness is forced on you.
For instance, when friends are teasing you.
Now in the past we’ve covered how to handle
more malicious attempts to make you look bad,
so you can check out our Russell Brand
or Robert Downey jr. videos
to see what to do in those cases.
But it is very likely that especially if you are a guy,
your friends are going to tease you,
and it’s not necessarily out of malice.
If you handle these situations poorly,
you can become the forever butt of the joke.
Handle them well, and you can exude confidence
and become a leader in your group.
So in those situations
where the teasing isn’t in bad faith,
a great first step is to just take up more space.
– It’s their time
– I didn’t know your name was Tom
– … to put my thigh next to his thigh.
– Oh yeah, okay, now I can see.
– 好了 我现在看到了
You’re being warm in your expansive gestures,
even touching your friends,
but you’re also showing that you’re not afraid
to take control on a physical level.
There’s absolutely no sort of
implied threat or violence here,
but these gestures still
subconsciously signal to the group
that you’re not someone that they should pile onto.
Second, rather than resisting the joke
or even shooting back a zinger of your own,
a very powerful technique
is to simply laugh with the group.
[laughing] – Sorry.
– Man in black
（大笑） – 对不起
Every 20 seconds we just wipe him.
– He’s very young.
Your friends get their aim, which was laughter
and you get to show that
you can separate who you are
from the aspect of you that is being teased
whether it’s your haircut, your clothes,
something you did in the past.
You realize that those things don’t define who you are,
so it’s easier to look at them
with an element of humor.
This is a critical mindset
which we’ll touch on more later,
but just know for now
that this is actually what separates the people
who constantly get teased
from the ones that the group just kind of gives up on.
If they laugh with it,
it goes away in most cases.
But for now, to make laughing at yourself
even more powerful,
you are going to want to double down on the joke.
This might initially feel like
it makes you more the laughingstock,
but if you try it, you will realize that
it actually puts you back in control
of the conversation. Just watch.
[noise] – like your ears
（噪音） – 就像你的耳朵
[noise] Major shade
True fact, in the spiderman costume
they actually considered gluing my ears up
[laughing] because they stuck out so much.
What’s amazing here is that
you’re transforming a moment
where people might have laughed at you,
making you feel uncomfortable into one
where you are showing your
good humor and confidence.
You amplify a joke and spread the laughter.
And if you’ve just cracked the best joke,
people will be listening and reacting to you
so you can then take the conversation
wherever you like.
Again this is specifically for friends
and people who have your back.
If you feel like the teasing has crossed the line,
check out one of our other videos
to learn how to deal with someone
who’s crossed into bully territory.
And this brings us to our third major point.
If you are an awkward person,
chances are the people around you
have some pretty embarrassing stories
of yours in their brains.
So rather than let those be narratives told about you,
which may draw laughter at you,
it’s incredibly useful to know how to tell a gripping story,
so friends ask you
to tell your own embarrassing stories.
When this happens,
it shows a supreme level of confidence
since you are the one comfortably and comically
relating what most people
would be embarrassed about. For instance,
I have to wear a thong, underneath and other than that, that’s it.
You know, the first time they ever gave me the thong
You know, like it, “Put this on.” I was like, ” No.”
对我说 快来 穿上这个
Why would I wear a thong. I never like it.
Yeah, you have to, cuz it makes the suit look better.
是的 你必须穿 这会让你的服装更好看
And I’ll never be the same. Never be the same again.
Now telling good stories is a huge topic,
but there is a couple of things that Tom demonstrates
that will take your stories to the next level
so that you become the one
in charge of your own narrative.
First off, it’s likely the case
that your body language won’t always be ideal
and that is totally fine.
But as you begin a story,
activate the confident body language tips
that we mentioned in the first point,
especially if the story involves self-deprecation.
This has the obvious effect of commanding
the attention of the audience,
but it also is how you signal underlying confidence
while telling stories where you literally
may be insecure or bumbling.
Watch how Tom does it here.
I was useless. Like, I was trying to find her pulse.
我很没用 就像这样 我正试图找她的脉搏
I don’t know how to do that.
I was like, “She has no pulse!”
oh no, she does, she does.
– I just don’t know how to do that. – I will check it out
Second, up the emotional impact
by choosing high impact words.
It is no secret that good stories
can feel like exaggerated versions of the truth.
People need a reason to listen to a longer story
and incorporating words that have emotion
packed into them by their very nature
is a simple way to get people paying attention
so that you are not left talking to an audience
who isn’t engaged with what you are saying.
In my family I went to Hawaii in January.
– Very nice. It’s a… – “Amazing trip”
– 非常棒 这是个 – 震撼的旅行
I wasn’t living at home.
I rented a house near the studio with my friends
which i think was the best summer of my life
because football was coming home.
I woke up. I panicked.
– It was like, ” Oh my god. I’m so sorry.
这就像 我的天 我很抱歉
I didn’t mean to ghost you.” – Yeah
– And he didn’t… He obviously didn’t reply for ages
他没有 很明显 他已经很久没有回复了
cuz of the time difference in LA. – Yeah
– 因为洛杉矶的时差 – 是的
So that was maybe the most stressful day of my life
when I thought my relationship with Downey was over.
You’ll also get your audience more engaged
if you embody the characters in your story.
This means body language
acting out the events of the story,
as well as matching their voice type
and even their accent.
But the funny thing is the director
got too excited at times and was like
“Tom, can you, can you climb up that wall
汤姆 你能不能 你能不能爬上那堵墙
and then so a double back flip off here onto there?”
– I’m like: No – Oh, yeah
– 我就像这样：不行 – 是的 哈哈
Obviously you are unlikely
to have a dialect coach like Tom
and you’re probably not as good as accents.
It’s OK and since even the attempt goes a long way
towards creating humor in the middle of his stories,
but perhaps most importantly
to these awkward stories
and to everything else that we have covered
when it comes to awkwardness
is the mindset that you go into it with.
If you have the right mindset,
you don’t need to have the
exact technique in every situation
since it makes those charismatic habits flow naturally.
And see this
99% of the awkward situations you will encounter in your life
are made worse because you’re fighting to be perceived in a certain way.
If you would just let go of managing people’s opinions,
most of the awkwardness would disappear.
So if you’re ever feeling awkward, just ask yourself
所以 如果你觉得尴尬 就问问你自己
what perception am I fighting right now?
And then relax and knowing
that it’s only a perception of you
because your deepest confidence
is not based in controlling the perceptions of others
but embracing the truth of who you are.
And just so you know, you are not perfect.
There’s always going to be things about you for others to criticize or tease
or for you to feel embarrassed about.
It’s in recognizing those less than perfect facts
and liking yourself anyway,
the true confidence is generated.
So if you can tune in to that truth that like anyone else,
you sometimes do dumb, embarrassing
or silly or regrettable things.
you’re going to handle stressful situations,
social blunders and criticism
without having to feel awkward.
So embrace the truth kinda like Tom.
And I don’t know what I can say.
I don’t even know how to react
to what Tom just said there.
ya, I mean I’m really young.
What did I just say?
You said spiderman’s in Space.
– Oh that thing, right, yeah. It’s very awesome. – Yeah
– 噢 那个 对 非常棒 – 是啊
If you want to level up your charisma fast,
I would definitely recommend checking out
our course Charisma University.
The course gives you both
the actions and the mindsets
that lead to massive leaps in your charisma,
so the people around you
from your work to your social life
are going to find themselves
drawn to your presence and your confidence.
Now the course is set up so that you spend
20 minutes a day on it for 30 days.
You’re doing one small thing every single day
that builds easy but sometimes
counterintuitive charismatic habits
and that’s all while ingraining those mindsets that make those good habits
just happen naturally in the future.
So if you want to join
or you’d learn more about that course,
you can click on the screen here
or in the description below.
This course is truly the most actionable
and fastest resource
that I have ever made for maxing out your charisma.
So if that’s something that you’re interested in,
I hope to see you on the inside.
Either way, I hope that you enjoyed this video
and I will see you in the next one.
Like it or not, we have all been awkward