Thanks for watching a Northwest.
Our next guest says she can teach us
how to make dazzling conservation with anyone we meet.
We welcome back the author of Human Lie Detection and Body Language 101
Vanessa Van Edwards.
Now Vanessa, I just had to pull you away from a conservation with Cabby over there.
-Yes -Emm, but there for folks who have a hard time making conservation,
there’s a science behind having a good conservation, right?
Yeah, and the good news is the science of conversation,
it can be used in any situation.
Whether it’s professional networking events,
business meetings, colleagues
and also it’s the same for social,
parties, new friends, meeting in-laws for the first time.
比如参加派对 见新朋友 还有拜见公婆的时候
Luckily the science is the same
whether you love conversation or you don’t.
Okay so let’s talking about the first rule
you say is your intention.
Yeah, and this is actually the one that we most often forget.
So the best conversations and the best conversationalists,
they always set the intention for the conversation.
-And this helps ward against you know those awkward lulls or pauses. -Yeah.
That doesn’t happen when you set an intention.
So what I want you to think about before you meet someone,
before you go to an event is
what do you want to bring from the event,
what do you want to bring to the event.
So are you there to get new business?
Are you there to meet a significant other?
-Are you there just have a good time? -Yeah.
Are you there to learn something about someone?
Just setting that minor intention.
I always do it on the car no matter where I’m going.
That helps you guide your conversation
for the next few tips you’ll notice.
You need to have sort of that guiding drive
to know what you want to talk about or ask next.
So set your intention before you even show.
That’s kind of like a game plan, right? Making sure you have a plan.
Exactly, exactly. It’s setting up your strategy for the night.
And again it could be as simple as I just want to laugh. I just want to have a good time
可以是简简单单的 我只是想开心 只想放松一下
because that’s gonna change the direction of your conservation.
Okay you talk about approach.
Yes, so when you think about conversation
you usually think about the first line.
But research shows that our first impression
doesn’t happen when you first hear someone.
-It happens when you first see someone. -Mmm.
So actually the best conversationalist, they always approach.
They almost start their conversation on the approach.
So what I want you to do is
anytime you’re about to initiate conversation
or you’re about to go to someone and introduce yourself
is set yourself up right.
So the best first impression happens
when you have nice open body language.
So you want your hands really visible, out of pockets,
not in touch into your purse, not behind your back
helps with our trust cues.
-Right. -And then having your shoulders down and back
-是啊 -然后让你的肩膀下沉 往内收
Anytime we turtle it signifies anxiety.
So shoulders down and back.
And then your smile is actually your opening line.
So when you smile at someone,
-it warms them up. -Right.
-To them going oh this person is about to talk to me. -Right.
-他们就知道 这个人准备和我说话了 -对
It gets them sort of already going,
it’s like your opening line a little bit, your smile.
Right, that’s a good idea
and what would be a good opener?
Okay, so everyone asked me
on what’s a good pickup line,
what’s a good opening line.
And there’s a huge research experiment
that looked at almost every single pickup line
all the different way we start conversation.
Let me guess would it be a compliment?
First thing you say is I like that ring or those boots or that dress.
上来就说 我喜欢你的耳环 靴子还有裙子之类的
That’s compliments are great, second and third.
-The first one… -First one…
First one is I know this is gonna sound simple,
-hello, how are you? -Oh.
-就是 你好吗 -哦
By far, that one by far.
And if you think about it. That’s actually
you don’t really want to say something too intense
when you first start.
-That’s right. -You have this smile, you go up say, hey how are you?
-对啊 -你就微笑着上前 然后说 你好吗
I’m Vanessa whatever and then you go into what’s next.
And what’s the next part you already interested.
So you don’t even say your name? The first…
-You can say hew how are you? I’m Vanessa. -Gotcha.
-你可以说 嘿 你好吗 我叫瓦妮莎 -我明白了
Hey how are you that hey how are you, hello how are you
it’s actually so nice cause it’s so easy and so natural.
So don’t think of anything crazy,
-just go with what’s simple. -Okay.
And then what I want you to do is
look for what’s called conversation sparks.
So conversation sparks.
-This is the difference between a dazzling conversation
-and kind of like a neh…conversation. -Right..
So conversation sparks are…
the nonverbal cue is when you’re engaging curiosity.
When you’re engaging someone to go wow.
This is…That’s really interesting.
-and can I teach you the nonverbal signs of sparks? -Sure, sure
So across culture, across genders, races,
这是超越了文化 性别 种族
there’s one thing that everyone does
when they are super engaged and it’s the eyebrow raise.
-Oh. -So you just did it.
Just any time any time someone says something interesting,
we go oh.
That’s what you’re looking for.
You’re looking for the topics, the conversations, the stories
你要找的话题 对话 故事等等
that make them go “oh really”.
来让他们惊讶的说 哦 是真的吗
That means you’re really listening.
That means you’re not going into the… boring.
So what I want you to think about is you set your intention right.
So maybe your intention is
-to get to know your in-law better, right? -Okay.
-更好的了解你公婆 对吧 -是的
So what you’d be doing is asking questions
you’re trying to look for likes, mutual likes.
Do you like this restaurants, vacations?
Do we have similar hobbies that we like?
And then you’re looking for that
-oh I love the baseball game last night. -Right.
-哦 我喜欢昨晚那场棒球比赛 -是的
And then you know you’ve hit it, you’ve hit a spark.
And then you can go down that hole, on that rabbit hole in the conversation.
So you’re looking for the spark,
the eyebrow raise when you set that intention.
That’s what you’re looking for the whole time.
Okay, ending the conversation.
My husband and his family can never end.
And I don’t know how they do it, but I…
they can never end a conversation.
It’s the funniest thing.
So we we don’t think about ending a conversation as important.
But actually your last impression is just as important as your first impression.
So here’s what you do.
Here’s a really easy way if you ever want to end a conversation.
First, mention it’s called a future mention.
So hey what are you up to this weekend?
What are you doing later today?
-It actually shifts the focus from present to future. -Oh, yeah yeah.
-其实就是把重点从现在转移到将来 -哦 是哦
And then they talk about oh yeah this weekend you know gonna go to a…
gonna go to the hike in Forest Park. -Right.
That’s your cue to say: well it was so great speaking with you.
I wish you the best of luck on that hike. I hope it’s great fun.
So actually that future mention is a nice little tie.
-Yeah. -And it’s a really clean nice polite way to thank them for the conversation
and then wish them the best of luck on whatever their future and ever is.
-That’s a good idea. -Easy.
Let’s let’s say you’re at a party and you want to make sure that
someone feel comfortable coming up to you.
-What would be good body language? -Oh I love it.
Okay so what you want to look for for yourself and others is the pivot out.
So whenever you’re trying to approach two people or three people,
anytime they’re both facing each other, so their toes are aligned.
You know they’re probably not open anyone else.
-They’re having a conversation. Don’t interrupt them. -Don’t interrupt them.
-他们正在聊天 不要去打扰他们 -不要去打扰
So when you want to be approach or you want to approach someone else,
look for the pivot out.
That’s when someone’s there talking to each other
but their body is actually angled out their toes angled out.
-That means they’re much more open to approach. -They are available.
And you want to do the same. So if you’re talking to someone
-you still want people to come up to you. -Right.
Make sure you pivot out towards the room.
That signals people that you’re open physically and literally.
And I would guess to get off your cell phone.
Oh my goodness. I mean that I hope that that goes without saying.
哦 天啊 我希望那都不用提的
The worst thing you can do is…
Now people…it’s a habit for a lot of people.
I mean they assume that they anybody can come up and talk to them.
But if I see someone on their cell phone,
I’m not gonna approach them.
And the problem is is when we get nervous
and we have no one to talk to.
-What do we do? We’re like I’m pretend to text. -Right.
-我该怎么办呢 假装在发短信 -是的
So promise it’s this bad circle, you don’t have anyone to talk to.
So you pretend to text, and then no one comes up to you.
So what I would say is you’re much better off, going to get a drink,
always have something in your hand.
-It feels nicer to have something in your hand. -Right.
And plant yourself right where people exist,
the bar or the food.
Cause that’s the sweet spot,
-that’s where everyone’s like I have no one to talk to. -Right.
So be that person who’s like,
hey, so what do you what do you drinking? What did you get?
-Doesn’t this food look great? Hey hello how are you? -Yeah.Gotcha.
-这东西看起来很好吃吧 嘿 你好吗 -明白了
Plant yourself right there.
Really good tips Vanessa.
As always we want to tell folks if you like to find out more
Human Lie Detection and Body Language 101, Vanessa Van Edwards.
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