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如何不再成为取悦他人者

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

本视频由Skillshare赞助
This video is sponsored by Skillshare,
想了解更多 请点击详情中的链接
click the link in the description for more information.
习惯性地取悦别人
Being someone who pleases people sounds,
表面上 听起来不错
on the face of it, like a very good idea.
但是 这类行为模式存在很多问题
But it is a pattern of behaviour riddled with problems,
不管是对当事人还是旁观者都是这样
as much for the perpetrator as for their audience;
取悦他人者有时会感觉自己成为了别人
the people-pleaser is someone(who might at times be oneself) who feels
他们感觉别无选择 只能把自己塑造成别人期待的模样
they have no option but to mould themselves to the expectations
而且他们隐藏着各种秘密行为
of others, and yet, harbours all manner of secret
甚至有时藏着危险的想法和恨意
and at points dangerous reservations and resentments.
他们表现得好像是完美爱侣
They act like the perfect lover
然而他们真正的感受是无比暗黑的
when their real feelings are much darker;
他们会认同自己讨厌的计划
they give their assent to plans they hate;
他们在恰当的时候没有勇气表达
and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express,
自己真实的需要和意愿
in due time, with the requisite courage,
令身边的人都不能了解他们
their authentic needs and ambitions.
坦率地讲我们可以说取悦他人者是撒谎者
Putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar.
这听上去有点残忍
It sounds brutal,
但是取悦别人者是为了更深层的原因而撒谎
but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons:
不是为了获得利益
not in order to gain advantage,
而是因为他们怕别人会不愉快
but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.
为了了解或许还有同情他们
To understand – and potentially sympathise with
我们需要看一看他们过去的成长经历
– the people-pleaser we need to look at their past
这些经历总是关于他们周围人的
which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people
这些人通常是爸爸或妈妈
– usually a mother or a father
他们可能是在接受和包容孩子的
– who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable
一些必要但棘手的问题上
of accepting and forgiving certain necessary
表现得彻底 惊人的无能
but perhaps tricky facts about their child.
我们的父亲可能会因任何分歧而大发雷霆
Perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement.
我们提出一个相反的意见
To present an opposing political idea,
请求吃点不同的食物
to suggest we wanted something different to eat,
坦白我们的厌倦和焦虑
to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety,
都会得到消灭我们的威胁
always could threaten us with annihilation.
我们为了生存 就需要准确地
To survive, we needed to be acutely
按别人期望做事说话
responsive to what others expected us to do and say.
可能我们真正想要的就变得次要了
The very question of what we might really want became secondary
而最重要的是
to an infinitely more important priority
忧心忡忡地再三揣测我们当时所依赖的
melancholy second-guessing the desires of those on whom
亲人的想法和欲望
at that time our lives depended.
我们不总是出于恐惧而撒谎
We didn ’ t always lie out of fear;
有时也是出于爱
it was also often out of love
为了我们深爱但是在某方面又脆弱的人
for someone we were profoundly attached to but who was vulnerable in some way.
为了不引起婚姻中的过多争吵
We lied out of a longing not to set off another marital row,
为了让压抑的父母心情愉悦
a desire to keep a depressive parent
为了避免让原本就艰难且悲伤的
in a good mood and to avoid adding
生活更加负重累累
a further burden to what seemed like an already very
我们才不得已撒谎
difficult or sad life.
我们有什么资格给我们在乎的脆弱的人制造麻烦?
Who were we to make things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for?
不管行为的根源有多么合理
However understandablethe origins of our behaviour, in the more
回到成年时期
reflexive moments of adulthood,
我们可以发现摆脱
we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns
取悦他人习惯的三种途径
of people-pleasing.
第一点 提醒自己 我们的同事和搭档
The first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues, partners and
以及朋友大多与小时候
friends are almost certainly very different
那些让我们变得焦虑的人不同
from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood.
大多数人可以处理一些矛盾
Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction,
不礼貌的信息和偶尔的礼节性拒绝
a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional rejection, delivered with requisite politeness.
而其他人不会因此而爆炸或消失
The other is not going to explode or dissolve.
我们在一群人的身旁
We learned a very particular habit of relating
学会了与世界相联系的特殊习惯
to the world around a group
而这些人并不代表全体人类
of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole.
第二点 我们要承认我们的行为所带来的不经意伤人的副作用
Secondly, we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side-effects of our behaviour.
我们的出发点可能是好的
We may genuinely have good intentions,
但是可能由于我们的不坦白而使他人感到不安
but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly.
在工作上 我们克制我们自己的疑惑和需求而没有帮助过任何人
At work, we aren ’ t doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations.
在爱情中 没有人对你好是单纯因为
And in love, there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because
好像别人没有了你就不能活
it seems the other might not survive without us.
他们将会活下去 但是我们会因自己的
They will, but we will have wasted a lot of their
多愁善感而浪费他们很多时间
time through our sentimentality. Finally,
最后 我们可以学习
we can acquire the confidence to be artful
如何自信地去表达复杂的信息
about the difficult messages we have to impart.
作为孩子 我们不能够区分想要表达的
As a child we couldn’t nuance the messages
信息之间的细微差别
we wanted to send out.
我们不知道如何
We didn ’ t know how
把自己的伤痛和需求解释得让人信服
to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. Now,
现在 我们可以在坚定自己的想法的同时和蔼可亲
it is open to us to be firm in our own views – but extremely genial as well.
我们在暗示已经心领了很多好意的同时说“不”
We can say ‘ no ’ while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill;
我们可以说某人是错的而不暗示他们是傻瓜
we can say someone is wrong without implying that theyare an idiot.
我们可以在分手的同时确保对方知道一段感情的意义
We can leave someone, while ensuring they realise how much a relationship meant to us.
换句话说
We can – in other words – be
我们可以不必成为取悦他人者就能活的开心
pleasant without being people-pleasers.
我们今天与Skillshare合作
We partnered with Skillshare today
当然这对任何想学习新技能的人来说
as it is a fantastic starting point
都是一个很好的开始
for anyone also looking to learn new skills and they
并且他们给了大家优惠
have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you.
前500个签约参加的人
The first 500 people to sign
使用描述的步骤
up using the link in the description
将会获得两个月免费试用
will receive a two month free trial.
可能你之前没听说过Skillshare
If you haven’t heard of Skillshare
它是成千上万的平面设计课
before it’s home to thousands of classes
卡通片绘制 网站发展 音乐 摄影设计等的家园
in Graphic Design, animation, web development, music, photography, design and more.
你可以学着去做任何事
You can start learning how to do just about anything.
这两个月你能够轻松地学会
In two months you could easily learn the
你的爱好或者生意所需要的技能
skills you need to start a new hobby or business.
有你梦想着去做
Is there a project that you have been dreaming
但不确定你是否有技术去做的项目么?
of completing but just aren’t sure if you have the skills to do it?
为什么不现在开始并且按下方的步骤签约加入Skillshare?
Why not start now and sign up to Skillshare using the link below.

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视频概述

我就是我,不需要取悦他人

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

_ C_

审核员

审核员YZ

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hYTPl7MkiA

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