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不可与之深交的一类人——偏激者

How to spot high-conflict people before it’s too late | Bill Eddy

如何甄别偏激的人
How to spot high-conflict people?
有趣的是偏激人格有例可循
What’s interesting is high-conflict personalities seem to–
我们将之归结为4个重要特征
we’ve really boiled it down to 4 key characteristics.
第一个 而且也可能是最令人瞠目的
The first, and maybe the most stunning,
总盘算着苛责别人
is a preoccupation with blaming other people.
他会说“都是你的错”
It’s really, “It’s all your fault,”
你可能遇到过这种人——
and you may have experienced this—
“根本不是我的错”
“And it’s not at all my fault”.
“根本不可能 完全不是我的问题”
“That’s zero. My part of the problem is zero.”
偏激的人经常说这些话
And that’s how high-conflict people talk.
他们会说“你怎么还不明白?错全在你啊”
And they’ll say, “Don’t you get it? It’s all your fault.”
第二个是偏激的人有许多偏执的想法
The second is a lot of all-or-nothing thinking.
“当然了 错全在你 我走的都是光明大道”
“Of course, it’s all your fault, but my way or the highway.”
他们解决问题的方案是:
Solutions to problems are:
“人啊 要么是全都好 要么是全都坏”
“There’s all-good people, and there’s all-bad people.”
所以偏激的人会有这种偏执的观点
So they have this kind of all-or-nothing perspective.
第三个是经常 但间歇性的情绪失控
A third is often, but not always, unmanaged emotions.
你会看到这种情况:
And you may see that:
偏激者忽然开始尖叫 大哭 摔门而去
people that just start yelling, or just start crying, or just storm out of a room.
这种行为我们经常看到
That kind of behavior we’re seeing.
属于情绪不受控制
But it’s emotions that they’re not managing.
第四个是极端行为
And the fourth is extremes of behavior.
我要说的内容来自一本书《在教会里难以生存的五种人》
And one thing I talk about in the book ‘Five Types of People’
即90%规则:
is this 90 percent rule:
90%的人不会效仿那些偏激者的做法
that 90% of people don’t do some of the things that high-conflict people do.
所以如果你看到一些让人目瞪口呆的行为
So if you see some shocking behavior,
而某人还为这种行为找借口
and then the person makes an excuse for it,
那么你可以由此推断 此人就是偏激者
that’s often the tip of the iceberg.
所以先发制人去苛责别人
So, it’s preoccupation with blaming others,
偏执的想法 不受控制的情绪 极端行为
all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions and extreme behaviors.
这些都是偏激人格的典型模式
That seems to be the pattern for high-conflict personalities.
拥有这种特征的人即为偏激人格患者
People that have those we call high-conflict people.
顺便说一下 遇到偏激者你可不要直接戳破其身份
But, by the way, don’t tell them that you think that.
他们会把你的脸揍肿
That’ll blow up in your face.
所以被苛责者会很疑惑
So target of blame seems to be
为什么这些偏激者这么难以相处呢
why these folks can become so difficult.
如果你是被苛责的对象
If you’re the target of blame,
你的生活就会被这么一个奇葩毁掉
your life may be ruined by one of these folks,
所以人们需要意识到这一点
and that’s what people need to become aware of.
所以被苛责对象你们听好:
So the target of blame:
这五种偏激人格特征
each of these five high-conflict personalities
在偏激者身上并非是一成不变的
tends to zero in generally on one person.
它随时间改变
It could change over time,
但偏激者会把某个人当成所有问题的起因
but they see that person as the cause of all their problems.
他们想要控制某个人
And so they want to control that person,
或者排除这个人
or eliminate that person,
或者毁坏 羞辱这个人
or destroy or humiliate that person.
因为偏激者早就为别人找好了定位
It’s a fixation on one person.
偏激者的所有生活问题在于他们情绪化地关注某个人
And all of their life problems they emotionally focus on that person.
所以你不会想成为这些偏激者中的一员
So you don’t want to be one of those folks.
如何避免成为被苛责的靶子?
How to avoid being a target of blame?
首先 如果你看到这些行为出现的预警信号
First of all, if you see warning signs of this behavior,
就离这些行为发出者远远的
don’t get too close to such a person.
你能和偏激者成为朋友 但不要和他成为亲密友人
You may be a friend, but don’t be the closest friend.
你能和偏激者成为合作者 但不要和他成为合伙人
You may be a co-worker, but don’t be the closest co-worker.
因为你一旦和这些偏激者走得很近
Because what seems to happen is the people they get really close to
就有很大的风险成为他们苛责的靶子
are the ones that are most at-risk of becoming their targets of blame.
靶子可以是任何人
But it could be anybody.
偏激者往往会一箭射中首当其冲的人 身居高位者
They tend to target intimate others and people in authority.
偏激者身边的男朋友 女朋友 丈夫 妻子
So this could be boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives,
父母 孩子 合作者 邻居都可能成为靶子
parents, children, co-workers, neighbors they get close to.
被偏激者苛责的可能是警察
It also could be police,
政府机关 政府官员
could be a government agency, or government official,
偏激者的老板 公司所有者
could be their boss, could be the company owner.
所以那些首当其冲的人和那些身居高位者往往成为偏激者的靶子
So they tend to focus on intimate others, and, or people in authority.
现在说说如何避免成为偏激者的靶子
Now the way to avoid becoming a target of blame-
不要接近偏激者
not getting too close to them,
也不要和偏激者起冲突
but also not engaging in conflict with them.
偏激者经常发起冲突
They often invite conflict.
比如说他们经常粗言粗语
Like they’ll say outrageous things,
当偏激者出现错误时你会想劝劝他们
and you may feel like you’ve got to persuade them that they’re wrong,
那我就劝你“得了吧”
and that’s what I call a “forget about it”.
忽略掉要劝他这件事 你不会能改变他的想法的
Just forget about it. You’re not going to change their mind.
如果他们是难相处的人 是偏激者
If they’re a difficult person, a high-conflict person,
他们本质如此
this is who they are,
你不是为了他们而存在
and you may not really even exist for them.
就算你和他们理论 他们也当耳旁风
So if you argue with them, they’re not going to change.
所以你就省省吧 别给自己找麻烦
So save yourself the trouble.
当偏激者处处与你为敌时你会想向他发出挑战
But when people challenge them is often when they turn against you.
他们一意孤行地认为你一无是处
And they see you in their all-or-nothing eyes as all bad.
所以 你不会想和这种人沾边的
And so, you don’t want to have that kind of relationship.
如果偏激者与你有人情往来 是你的亲戚
So, if you’re in a personal relationship, family relationship,
邻居 合作者等等
neighbor, co-worker, etc,
那么你可以与他们相安无事
you can manage relationships with these folks,
但要与他们保持一臂的距离
but usually at an arm’s length.
不要试图对抗偏激者
And don’t make it too confrontational.
不要当面戳破他们的偏激者身份
Don’t say they have a high-conflict personality.
不要和偏激者争论 不要试图说服他们
Don’t argue with them, try to convince them.
不要试图让他们了解你的想法
Don’t try to give them insight into themselves.
你就说“哦 很有意思”
You can just say, “Oh, well, that’s interesting.”
“嘿 我现在得走了”
“Hey, I’ve got to go now.”
诸如此类
Something like that.
大想法 bigthinking.com
bt bigthinking.com.

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视频概述

你身边有偏激者吗?你如何形容他们,一意孤行?暴躁易怒?冥顽不灵?霸道极端?本视频教你如何与偏激者相处。

听录译者

红花老七

翻译译者

ABC

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-wwXhbwfrA

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