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怎样为自己发言

How to speak up for yourself | Adam Galinsky

直言不讳并不容易
Speaking up is hard to do.
我直到整整一个月前 当我与妻子初为父母的时候
I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago,
才理解这个短语的真正用意
when my wife and I became new parents.
这是一个令人惊奇的时刻
It was an amazing moment.
那是一个令人兴奋与激动的时刻
It was exhilarating and elating,
但是那也是可怕的令人恐惧的时刻
but it was also scary and terrifying.
当我们刚从医院回到家的时候尤其令人恐惧
And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital,
我们并不确定
and we were unsure
我们刚出生的宝宝是否能从母乳中得到足够的养分
whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding.
我们想打电话给我们的儿科医生
And we wanted to call our pediatrician,
但是我们也不想给别人留下不好的第一印象
but we also didn’t want to make a bad first impression
或者被当作是疯狂的神经质的父母
or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent.
所以我们很担心
So we worried.
但我们选择了等待
And we waited.
当我们第二天早上去见医生的时候
When we got to the doctor’s office the next day,
她立刻给宝宝开了配方 因为他脱水很严重
she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated.
我们的孩子现在好了
Our son is fine now,
我们的医生也让我们放心 可以随时联系她
and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her.
但是在那个时刻
But in that moment,
我应该大声说出来的 但我却没有
I should’ve spoken up, but I didn’t.
但是有时我们也会在不该发言的时候直言不讳
But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn’t,
我是在10年多以前 当我让我的双胞胎兄弟失望的时候学会的
and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down.
我的双胞胎兄弟是一个纪录片摄影师
My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker,
因为早期的一部电影
and for one of his first films,
他得到了分销公司的一份职业邀请
he got an offer from a distribution company.
他很激动
He was excited,
也倾向于接受这份职位
and he was inclined to accept the offer.
但是作为一名谈判研究员
But as a negotiations researcher,
我坚持要求他讨价还价
I insisted he make a counteroffer,
并帮助他起草了一份完美的合同
and I helped him craft the perfect one.
而那确实是完美的——
And it was perfect —
完美的侮辱行为
it was perfectly insulting.
那家公司感到被冒犯了
The company was so offended,
他们就真的撤回了他们的邀请
they literally withdrew the offer
然后我兄弟就一无所有了
and my brother was left with nothing.
我问过来自世界各地的人 关于直言不讳的两难问题:
And I’ve asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up:
当他们可以坚持自己主张的时候
when they can assert themselves,
当他们可以推动自身利益的时候
when they can push their interests,
当他们可以表达观点的时候
when they can express an opinion,
当他们提出一个有抱负的要求的时候
when they can make an ambitious ask.
故事数量很多 内容各不相同
And the range of stories are varied and diverse,
然而它们也都编织了一道万能的帷幕
but they also make up a universal tapestry.
我能在老板们犯错时 纠正他们的错误吗?
Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake?
我能与老是踩到 我脚趾的同事对质吗?
Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes?
我能质疑朋友讲的 不合时宜的笑话吗?
Can I challenge my friend’s insensitive joke?
我能告诉我最爱的人 我内心深处的不安全感吗?
Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?
通过这些经历 我开始认识到
And through these experiences, I’ve come to recognize
我们每个人都是有一个可接受行为范围的
that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior.
有些时候 我们太强势了:我们强行把自己往前推
Now, sometimes we’re too strong; we push ourselves too much.
那就是发生在我兄弟身上的事件所表明的
That’s what happened with my brother.
甚至提出一个建议 都是在他可接受行为范围之外的了
Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior.
但是有时 我们又太软弱了
But sometimes we’re too weak.
就像我和我妻子所表现出来的
That’s what happened with my wife and I.
而这个可接受行为的范围
And this range of acceptable behaviors —
当我们呆在我们的范围内时 我们就得到奖励
when we stay within our range, we’re rewarded.
当我们跨出范围圈的时候 我们就会受到不同形式的惩罚
When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways.
我们被开除或贬低 甚至被排斥
We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized.
我们失去加薪或晋升 或是一笔交易
Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.
现在 我们需要明白的第一件事就是:
Now, the first thing we need to know is:
我的范围是什么?
What is my range?
但关键问题是 我们的可接受范围并不固定
But the key thing is, our range isn’t fixed;
它实际上是高度动态变化的
it’s actually pretty dynamic.
它会随具体语境而放大或缩小
It expands and it narrows based on the context.
有一样东西在可接受范围大小 这件事上起决定性作用
And there’s one thing that determines that range more than anything else,
那就是你的实力
and that’s your power.
你的实力决定了你的可接受范围大小
Your power determines your range.
实力是指什么?
What is power?
实力是以各种形式呈现的
Power comes in lots of forms.
在谈判中 实力以其它多种备选方案的形式呈现
In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives.
而我的兄弟没有其它选择
So my brother had no alternatives;
他的实力不够
he lacked power.
公司就有很多的备用选择
The company had lots of alternatives;
他们的实力很强
they had power.
有时是新到一个国家 例如移民
Sometimes it’s being new to a country, like an immigrant,
或是新加入一个组织
or new to an organization
或是对什么事情没有经验
or new to an experience,
就像我和我妻子初为人父母
like my wife and I as new parents.
有的时候是在工作上
Sometimes it’s at work,
有人是老板 而另一些人是下属
where someone’s the boss and someone’s the subordinate.
有时是在情感上
Sometimes it’s in relationships,
一个人比另一个人投入更多
where one person’s more invested than the other person.
重点是 当我们有强大的实力时
And the key thing is that when we have lots of power,
我们的可接受范围就会变得非常广
our range is very wide.
我们的行动就有了很大的余地
We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.
但是当我们实力不足时 我们的接受范围就会缩小
But when we lack power, our range narrows.
我们没有多少余地
We have very little leeway.
问题是当我们的可接受范围缩小的时候
The problem is that when our range narrows,
就会进入一种“弱势两难”的处境
that produces something called the low-power double bind.
当我们陷入“弱势两难”的处境时
The low-power double bind happens
我们不为自己说话 就会被忽视
when, if we don’t speak up, we go unnoticed,
当我们说出来的时候 又会被惩罚
but if we do speak up, we get punished.
你们中的很多人都听过 “双重约束”这个短语
Now, many of you have heard the phrase the “double bind”
并把它和另一样事物挂钩 那就是性别
and connected it with one thing, and that’s gender.
性别两难就是指当女性不发声 就会被忽视
The gender double bind is women who don’t speak up go unnoticed,
但女性为自己说话 又会被惩罚的情况
and women who do speak up get punished.
关键是 女性有着与男性同样的为自己说话的需求
And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up,
但她们这样做会遇到更多的障碍
but they have barriers to doing so.
但是我在过去二十年里的研究中发现
But what my research has shown over the last two decades
这个看似是性别差异
is that what looks like a gender difference
其实并不是真正的性别两难困境
is not really a gender double bind,
其实是弱势两难的问题
it’s a really a low-power double bind.
那些表面上看似是性别差异
And what looks like a gender difference
其实质只是实力差异伪装成的样子
are really often just power differences in disguise.
很多时候 当我们看到一位男性和一位女性之间的差距时
Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman
或者男性与女性之间
or men and women,
我们就会想 “生理因素
and think, “Biological cause. There’s something fundamentally different
两性在本质上就是不同的 ”
about the sexes.”
但是在一个又一个的研究当中
But in study after study,
我找到了一个能更好解释 很多案例中性别差距的原因
I’ve found that a better explanation for many sex differences
那就是实力
is really power.
所以把它称作弱势两难困境
And so it’s the low-power double bind.
处于弱势两难就意味着 我们的可接受范围很窄
And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range,
我们实力不足
and we lack power.
我们的可接受范围越窄
We have a narrow range,
我们的弱势两难就越明显
and our double bind is very large.
所以我们必须找到方法 扩大我们的可接受范围
So we need to find ways to expand our range.
在过去的几十年中
And over the last couple decades,
我和我的同事找到了两个重要的影响因素
my colleagues and I have found two things really matter.
第一点:你在自己眼中是实力者
The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes.
第二点:你在他人眼中是实力者
The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others.
当感到自己实力强大
When I feel powerful,
就会很自信 不会害怕
I feel confident, not fearful;
就能扩大自己的接受范围
I expand my own range.
当他人把自己看作实力强大的人时
When other people see me as powerful,
他们就给予了我更广的可接受范围
they grant me a wider range.
所以我们需要工具去扩大我们的可接受行为范围
So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior.
我今天就要给你们一套工具
And I’m going to give you a set of tools today.
直言不讳是有风险的一件事
Speaking up is risky,
但是这些工具会降低直言不讳的风险
but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.
我要给你们的第一个工具是在协商领域被发现的
The first tool I’m going to give you got discovered in negotiations
是很重要的一个发现
in an important finding.
平均来看 相比男性 女性在谈判桌上
On average, women make less ambitions offers
更少提出有野心的条件 取得的结果也更差
and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table.
但是汉娜·赖利·鲍里斯和艾米丽·阿曼图拉发现
But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered
在有一种情况下 女性和男性是同等的野心勃勃
there’s one situation where women get the same outcomes as men
也能得到同等的结果
and are just as ambitious.
那就是当她们在为他人说话的时候
That’s when they advocate for others.
当她们在为他人说话时
When they advocate for others,
她们就会发觉自己的可接受范围并在心中扩大它
they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind.
她们变得更加自信
They become more assertive.
这就是我们经常说的“熊妈妈效应”
This is sometimes called “the mama bear effect.”
就像熊妈妈在维护自己的熊宝宝
Like a mama bear defending her cubs,
当我们为他人声张的时候 我们就能发掘自己的声音
when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.
但是有些时候我们必须为自己大声说话
But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves.
我们应该怎么做呢?
How do we do that?
为自己讲话需要的最重要的工具就是
One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves
一种叫做“换位思考”的东西
is something called perspective-taking.
“换位思考”其实很简单:
And perspective-taking is really simple:
就仅仅是通过另一个人的眼睛看世界而已
it’s simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person.
这是我们扩大自身可接受范围的最重要的工具
It’s one of the most important tools we have to expand our range.
当我站在你的立场
When I take your perspective,
去想你真正想要什么的时候
and I think about what you really want,
你就更有可能给我 我真正想要的
you’re more likely to give me what I really want.
但是这有一个问题:
But here’s the problem:
“换位思考”是一件很难的事情
perspective-taking is hard to do.
让我们做一点儿实验
So let’s do a little experiment.
我希望你们所有人都像这样 把手举起来
I want you all to hold your hand just like this:
把手指竖起来
your finger — put it up.
我希望你们尽可能快地在自己的额头上
And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead
写一个大写的字母E
as quickly as possible.
好吧 结果表明我们有两种不同的书写方法
OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways,
这就是原本用来测试换位思考的实验
and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking.
我要给你们展示两张人们
I’m going to show you two pictures
在额头上写着E的图片
of someone with an E on their forehead —
这是我以前的学生 艾丽卡·赫尓
my former student, Erika Hall.
你们在这里看到的
And you can see over here,
是正确的E
that’s the correct E.
我这样画E 所以其他人 就能把它认成E
I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person.
这就是“换位思考”的E
That’s the perspective-taking E
因为它是别人眼中的E。
because it looks like an E from someone else’s vantage point.
但是这边的E则是“自我中心”的E
But this E over here is the self-focused E.
我们时常会以自我为中心
We often get self-focused.
特别是在危机情况下更容易
And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.
我希望和你们谈谈一次特别的危机
I want to tell you about a particular crisis.
一个男人走进一家位于加利福尼亚州沃森维尔市的银行
A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California.
他说 “给我2000美金
And he says, “Give me $2,000,
要不我就炸了整个银行”
or I’m blowing the whole bank up with a bomb.”
而银行经理没有给他钱
Now, the bank manager didn’t give him the money.
她退了一步
She took a step back.
她尝试站在他的角度
She took his perspective,
她注意到了一件很重要的事情
and she noticed something really important.
他要求的是具体数额的钱
He asked for a specific amount of money.
所以她说
So she said,
“为什么你需要2000美金?”
“Why did you ask for $2,000?”
男人说 “如果不能立即拿到2000美金
And he said, “My friend is going to be evicted
我的朋友就要被驱逐出境了“
unless I get him $2,000 immediately.”
然后经理说 “哦 那你不是要抢银行
And she said, “Oh! You don’t want to rob the bank —
你是需要贷款”
you want to take out a loan.”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
“为什么不跟我回到办公室
“Why don’t you come back to my office,
我们就可以让你填好需要的文件 ”
and we can have you fill out the paperwork.”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
她的快速换位思考的能力解除了一个危急形势
Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation.
当我们能够从他人的角度看问题时
So when we take someone’s perspective,
我们就会变得有抱负自信 但同时招人喜欢
it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.
还有另一种能让我们既自信又能招人喜欢的办法
Here’s another way to be assertive but still be likable,
那就是展现灵活性
and that is to signal flexibility.
现在 想象自己是一名汽车销售员你要卖给别人一辆车
Now, imagine you’re a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car.
如果你能给他们两种选择你更容易卖出车
You’re going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options.
比如选项A:
Let’s say option A:
两万四美金购车 五年免修
$24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty.
或是选项B:
Or option B:
两万三美金购车 三年免修
$23,000 and a three-year warranty.
我的研究显示了当你给人们一些选择的余地时
My research shows that when you give people a choice among options,
他们会降低自我防范意识
it lowers their defenses,
他们更容易接受你的邀请
and they’re more likely to accept your offer.
这不仅仅只在销售人员这里有用
And this doesn’t just work with salespeople;
它在父母这里也有用
it works with parents.
当我的侄女四岁的时候
When my niece was four,
她拒绝穿衣服 拒绝一切
she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything.
但是后来嫂子想出了一个绝妙的主意
But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea.
如果我给我的女儿一种选择呢?
What if I gave my daughter a choice?
这件衣服或是那件?好吧 那件
This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt.
这条裤子还是那条?好吧
This pant or that pant? OK, that pant.
那个问题被出色的解决了
And it worked brilliantly.
她很快穿好了衣服 没有任何抵抗
She got dressed quickly and without resistance.
当我在世界各地问这个问题
When I’ve asked the question around the world
什么时候人们能够舒服地大声说出想法
when people feel comfortable speaking up,
排名第一的回答是:
the number one answer is:
“当我能在观众中得到支持当我有队友的时候”
“When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies.”
所以我们希望有盟友支持自己
So we want to get allies on our side.
我们要如何做到这一点?
How do we do that?
好吧 一种方式是做一只熊妈妈
Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear.
当我们为他人发声的时候
When we advocate for others,
我们就扩大了我们自己的范围也扩大了别人眼中的我们
we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others,
我们同时也得到了强有力的盟友
but we also earn strong allies.
另一种得到盟友的方式特别是身居高位的时候
Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places,
就是寻求他人的建议
is by asking other people for advice.
当我们向他人寻求建议时他们就会因为我们的重视而喜欢我们
When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them,
因为我们表现出了谦恭
and we’re expressing humility.
这能够帮助我们解决另外一个两难的局面
And this really works to solve another double bind.
那就是自我推销两难的情况
And that’s the self-promotion double bind.
自我推销两难
The self-promotion double bind
就是如果我们不宣传我们的成就
is that if we don’t advertise our accomplishments,
就没人会注意
no one notices.
如果我们宣传 我们就不讨喜
And if we do, we’re not likable.
但是如果我们就自己的成就征求意见
But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments,
在他人眼中 我们就会变得能干且讨人喜欢
we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable.
这真的很有用
And this is so powerful
甚至当你已经看穿这个策略时仍然有用
it even works when you see it coming.
我人生中有很多次 我已经预先被人提醒过
There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned
有些实力不足的人被建议来找我咨询
that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice.
我希望你们在此注意三点:
I want you to notice three things about this:
第一 我知道他们要来找我询问建议
First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice.
第二 我也研究过的征求意见的
Two, I’ve actually done research on the strategic benefits
战略性好处
of asking for advice.
第三 这仍然管用!
And three, it still worked!
我站在他们的角度
I took their perspective,
我在他们的诉求上花费更多的时间
I became more invested in their calls,
我更加关注他们因为他们向我寻求了帮助
I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.
另一种情况下我们也会有自信大声说
Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up
那就是当我们掌握了专业知识
is when we have expertise.
专业知识带给我们可信度
Expertise gives us credibility.
当我们实力强大的时候我们就已经拥有了可信度
When we have high power, we already have credibility.
我们只需要好的证据
We only need good evidence.
而我们实力不足的时候我们就没有可信度
When we lack power, we don’t have the credibility.
我们就需要极佳的证据
We need excellent evidence.
一种能使我们看起来像专家一样的方式
And one of the ways we can come across as an expert
就是发掘我们的热情
is by tapping into our passion.
我希望每个人都能在未来的几天当中 去见各自的朋友
I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs
和他们说
and just say to them,
“我希望你能和我分享一件使你充满激情的事”
“I want you to describe a passion of yours to me.”
我在世界各地让人们做这件事
I’ve had people do this all over the world
然后我询问他们
and I asked them,
“当朋友们向你们描述他们的热情时
“What did you notice about the other person
你注意到了什么?“
when they described their passion?”
答案永远是相同的
And the answers are always the same.
“他们的眼睛变大了 变亮了 ”
“Their eyes lit up and got big.”
“他们笑的很灿烂”
“They smiled a big beaming smile.”
“他们用手不断的比划着
“They used their hands all over —
我必须要躲闪 因为他们的手都伸向了我”
I had to duck because their hands were coming at me.”
“他们更快速的 用更高频的声调说话”
“They talk quickly with a little higher pitch.”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
“他们倾向我 好像要跟我讲什么秘密一样”
“They leaned in as if telling me a secret.”
然后 我就和他们说
And then I said to them,
“你们听他们讲述的时候 你是什么样的反应呢?”
“What happened to you as you listened to their passion?”
他们说 “我的眼睛变亮了
They said, “My eyes lit up.
我笑了
I smiled.
我也倾向了他们”
I leaned in.”
当我们发掘自己的热情时
When we tap into our passion,
我们通过自己的眼睛 给予了自己大声说的勇气
we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up,
但是我们也得到了他人的准许
but we also get the permission from others to speak up.
发掘我们的热情 即使在我们软弱的时候也会起作用
Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak.
无论是男性还是女性 工作时流泪都会受到惩罚
Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears.
但是莉齐·沃尔夫发现 当我们将强烈的感情处理为激情的时候
But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion,
无论男性还是女性就都不会因落泪而受到谴责
the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.
我希望引用我已故的父亲的话来结束演讲
I want to end with a few words from my late father
这是他在我的双胞胎兄弟的婚礼上说的
that he spoke at my twin brother’s wedding.
这是我们的合影
Here’s a picture of us.
我的父亲和我一样 都是心理学家
My dad was a psychologist like me,
但是他真正热爱的 真正的热情在于电影
but his real love and his real passion was cinema,
就像我的兄弟一样
like my brother.
所以 他就在我兄弟的婚礼上发表了一个演讲
And so he wrote a speech for my brother’s wedding
是关于我们在人类喜剧中所扮演的角色的
about the roles we play in the human comedy.
然后他说 “你的触感越细腻
And he said, “The lighter your touch,
你越能更好地提高和丰富你的表演能力
the better you become at improving and enriching your performance.
那些带入角色当中努力提高演技的人
Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance
成长 改变 发展自我
grow, change and expand the self.
好好演
Play it well,
你们的生活就会很快乐的”
and your days will be mostly joyful.”
我父亲的意思是
What my dad was saying
我们在这个世界上都有各自的可理解范围和角色
is that we’ve all been assigned ranges and roles in this world.
但他也讲出了这次演讲的精髓:
But he was also saying the essence of this talk:
这些角色和范围是在不断扩大和进化的
those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.
所以 当情势需要的时候
So when a scene calls for it,
变成一只凶猛的熊妈妈
be a ferocious mama bear
或是一个谦恭的咨询者
and a humble advice seeker.
拥有极佳的证据和强大的盟友
Have excellent evidence and strong allies.
成为一个热情的换位思考者
Be a passionate perspective taker.
如果你能够运用这些工具
And if you use those tools —
这些在座每一位都能够使用的工具
and each and every one of you can use these tools —
你们就能扩大你们的可接受行为范围
you will expand your range of acceptable behavior,
你们的生活就会变得很快乐
and your days will be mostly joyful.
谢谢
Thank you.
[掌声]
[Applause]

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视频概述

为自己发言并不容易,即使你知道你应该。在本次演讲中,社会心理学家Adam Galinsky将教你如何在社交场合表达自己,扩展你的个人力量。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

B11101001

审核员

与光同尘

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEDgtjpycYg

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