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正确的教育方式-避免过度呵护

How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims

你知道 我从没想过做一个育儿专家
You know, I didn’t set out to be a parenting expert.
事实上 我本身对育儿也没什么兴趣
In fact, I’m not very interested in parenting, per Se.
只是因为当今有一种育儿方式
It’s just that there’s a certain style of parenting these days
会把孩子搞得一团糟
that is kind of messing up kids,
阻碍他们个人特质的发展
impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.
这种育儿方式
There’s a certain style of parenting these days
正大行其道
that’s getting in the way.
我想说的是
I guess what I’m saying is,
我们花费很多精力去担心
we spend a lot of time being very concerned
父母没有充分参与到孩子的人生、
about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids
教育以及养育过程中
and their education or their upbringing,
这理所当然
and rightly so.
但如果走上另一个极端
But at the other end of the spectrum,
也会有很多坏处
there’s a lot of harm going on there as well,
比如家长认为 孩子自己不可能成功
where parents feel a kid can’t be successful
除非父母随时保护 加以纠正
unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn
关注每件小事 掌控每个细节
and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,
引导他们读好大学 找好工作
and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
当我们这样养育孩子
When we raise kids this way,
我用的是“我们”
and I’ll say we,
因为上帝知道 我在养育我的两个孩子时
because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,
我自己确实也有这种倾向
I’ve had these tendencies myself,
让我们的孩子过一种清单式的童年
our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
清单式的生活 就是:
And here’s what the checklisted childhood looks like.
我们确保他们安全、健康、
We keep them safe and sound
吃好、喝好
and fed and watered,
然后期望他们进入好学校
and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,
并且是好学校的好班级
that they’re in the right classes at the right schools,
在好学校好班级中还要取得好成绩
and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.
并且不只是成绩 还有分数
But not just the grades, the scores,
不只成绩和分数 还要荣誉和奖项
and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards
要参加运动、活动、还要有领导力
and the sports, the activities, the leadership.
我们告诉孩子 不要只是参加社团
We tell our kids, don’t just join a club,
还要创建社团 因为大学喜欢这样的学生
start a club, because colleges want to see that.
还要参加社区服务
And check the box for community service.
我是说 要让大学看到你会关心他人
I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
[笑声]
[Laughter]
这些都是为了期望中的完美
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.
我们期望我们的孩子能做到完美
We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection
而我们自己却从没做到过
we were never asked to perform at ourselves,
因为有这么多要求
and so because so much is required,
我们就想
we think,
我们做父母的得和每个老师沟通
well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher
和校长、教练、推荐人沟通
and principal and coach and referee
搞得像是孩子的管家
and act like our kid’s concierge
像私人管家
and personal handler
像秘书
and secretary.
然后对孩子 我们宝贵的孩子
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
我们要花心思来督促、
we spend so much time nudging,
哄骗、暗示、帮忙、唠叨 甚至讨价还价
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,
确保他们不会搞砸
to be sure they’re not screwing up,
或者固步自封
not closing doors,
或者自毁前程
not ruining their future,
即使那些大学
some hoped-for admission
在招生时
to a tiny handful of colleges
几乎是万里挑一
that deny almost every applicant.
那么在清单式童年中长大的孩子是怎样的呢
And here’s what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
首先 他们没有自由玩耍的时间
First of all, there’s no time for free play.
整个下午都没有空闲
There’s no room in the afternoons,
因为我们认为任何事都要充实起来
because everything has to be enriching, we think.
就如同每项作业、每个测验、每个活动
It’s as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity
对于我们为他们规划好的未来 都是成败攸关的
is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,
我们不让他们做家务
and we absolve them of helping out around the house,
甚至不让他们有充足睡眠
and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep
只要他们能把清单上的事做好
as long as they’re checking off the items on their checklist.
在清单式童年里 我们嘴上希望他们开心
And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,
但当他们放学回家
but when they come home from school,
我们经常第一时间询问他们的
what we ask about all too often first
却是作业和成绩
is their homework and their grades.
他们从我们脸上看到的
And they see in our faces
我们认可的 我们爱的
that our approval, that our love,
他们的价值 却是成绩单上的 A
that their very worth, comes from A’s.
和他们走在一起的时候
And then we walk alongside them
我们就像威斯敏斯特宠物展上的 训狗员一样表扬他们
and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show —
[笑声]
[Laughter]
哄他们跳得再高一点 再远一点
coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,
日复一日
day after day after day.
等上了高中
And when they get to high school,
他们不会问 “我该对哪些课程
they don’t say, “Well, what might I be interested in studying
哪些活动感兴趣呢?”
or doing as an activity?”
他们只会去问辅导员
They go to counselors and they say,
“我要怎么做才能进入好大学?”
“What do I need to do to get into the right college?”
“我要怎么做才能进入好大学?”
And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,
如果拿了几个 B
and they’re getting some B’s,
甚至是可怕的 C
or God forbid some C’s,
他们会狂躁的给朋友发短信
they frantically text their friends
“有谁考这个分数进了好大学吗?”
and say, “Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?”
我们的孩子
And our kids,
无论高中毕业时结果怎样
regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,
都被压得喘不过气
they’re breathless.
心理脆弱
They’re brittle.
精疲力竭
They’re a little burned out.
他们比实际年龄更老成
They’re a little old before their time,
盼望着大人告诉他们 “你已经做得够多了
wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, “What you’ve done is enough,
小时候这么努力已经足够了 ”
this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.”
他们现在却在高分的焦虑 和沮丧中慢慢枯萎
And they’re withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression
有的孩子会想
and some of them are wondering,
这样的人生最后究竟有没有意义?
will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
我们做父母的
Well, we parents,
当然认为这都有意义
we parents are pretty sure it’s all worth it.
我们所表现出来的
We seem to behave —
就像如果他们进不去我们期望的
it’s like we literally think they will have no future
这几所好大学 或者找不到好工作
if they don’t get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers
他们就没有未来
we have in mind for them.
或者 只是我们认为
Or maybe, maybe, we’re just afraid
可以在朋友面前炫耀
they won’t have a future we can brag about
或者只是贴在车屁股上的未来
to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.
就是这样
Yeah.
[掌声]
[Applause]
但如果你看看这件事的后果
But if you look at what we’ve done,
如果你有勇气看的话
if you have the courage to really look at it,
你会发现这不只让孩子认为
you’ll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes
他们的价值来自于成绩和分数
from grades and scores,
更是在他们正在成长的意识里
but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds
就像我们版本的电影《傀儡人生》
all the time, like our very own version of the movie “Being John Malkovich,”
我们给孩子传递了一个信号:
we send our children the message:
“嘿 孩子 没有我你什么都干不成 ”
“Hey kid, I don’t think you can actually achieve any of this without me.”
随着我们的过度帮助
And so with our overhelp,
过度保护 过度指导和过度关怀
our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,
我们剥夺了孩子建立自我能效的机会
we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,
自我能效是人类心智的重要准则
which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,
远比通过父母赞美建立起的自尊更重要
far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud.
自我能效是一个人看到自己的行动能导致结果而建立的
Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one’s own actions lead to outcomes,
而不是……
not —
你们先吧
There you go.
[掌声]
[Applause]
而不是父母代替他们做出行动
Not one’s parents’ actions on one’s behalf,
是他们自己的行动能导致结果
but when one’s own actions lead to outcomes.
简而言之
So simply put,
如果孩子们要发展自我能效 他们必须这么做
if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,
就需要更多地为他们自己的人生
then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,
做更多思考、规划、决定、
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
行动、期望、应对、试验、犯错、
dreaming and experiencing of life
梦想以及体验
for themselves.
现在 我在说
Now, am I saying
每个孩子都很努力 都很积极
every kid is hard-working and motivated
都不需要对他们的人生有干涉和关心
and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in their lives,
我们应该退后 任其发展呢?
and we should just back off and let go?
当然不是
Hell no.
[笑声]
[Laughter]
这不是我想说的
That is not what I’m saying.
我想说的是 当我们把成绩、分数、荣誉和奖励
What I’m saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards
看做他们童年的奋斗目标
as the purpose of childhood,
当我们代孩子 去追求理想中的大学
all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges
找到理想的工作
or entrance to a small number of careers,
这种对于成功的定义太过狭隘
that that’s too narrow a definition of success for our kids.
即使我们可以通过过度帮助来让他们
And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins
获得一些短期的成功
by overhelping —
比如 帮他们做作业而拿到好成绩
like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,
在我们的帮助下 他们可能会有一个更漂亮的童年履历
they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help —
我要说的是 这些会让他们
what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost
在自我认知上付出长期的代价
to their sense of self.
我要说的是 我们应该更少关注
What I’m saying is, we should be less concerned
他们应该申请或进入
with the specific set of colleges
具体哪一所名牌大学
they might be able to apply to or might get into
而更多关注他们的习惯、心态、技能、身心健康
and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
有了这些 他们才能在哪儿都成功
the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
我要说的是
What I’m saying is,
孩子需要我们 少关注一些成绩和分数
our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores
而将重点放在打造
and a whole lot more interested
一个能帮助他们为成功奠基的童年上
in childhood providing a foundation for their success
比如 爱
built on things like love
比如 做家务
and chores.
[笑声]
[Laughter]
[掌声]
[Applause]
我刚才是说做家务么?确实是的
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.
说真的 这是有理由的
But really, here’s why.
史上历时最长的人类研究
The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted
被称作哈弗格兰特研究
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
这项研究发现 专业上的成功
It found that professional success in life,
也就是我们期望孩子达到的
which is what we want for our kids,
取决于小时候做的杂活
that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,
越早开始越好
and the earlier you started, the better,
这种挽起袖子开干的心态
that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,
这种心态代表着:可能有些不想做的工作
a mindset that says, there’s some unpleasant work,
总要有人去完成它 这个人也可能就是我
someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me,
这种心态代表着:
a mindset that says,
我会尽力去改善整件事情
I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,
这就是让你在工作中占得先机的方法
that that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.
我们都知道这个道理 你们也知道
Now, we all know this. You know this.
[掌声]
[Applause]
我们都知道 在清单式童年中
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,
我们不让孩子做家里的杂活
we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,
当他们长大进入职场
and then they end up as young adults in the workplace
还在等待一个清单
still waiting for a checklist,
但这个清单并不存在
but it doesn’t exist,
更重要的是 他们缺乏意识和动力
and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct
不能挽起袖子去开干
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
不能环顾四周并思考 我该怎样才能帮助同事们?
and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?
我该怎样才能 提前预见到老板可能的需求?
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
哈弗格兰特研究的另一个重要发现
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study
人生的幸福
said that happiness in life
来自于爱
comes from love,
不是对工作的爱
not love of work,
是对人的爱:
love of humans:
我们的配偶 我们的伙伴 我们的朋友 我们的家庭
our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.
所以我们要教孩子如何去爱
So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,
要爱别人 他们首先要爱自己
and they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves,
想要他们爱自己 我们就要给予他们无条件的爱
and they won’t love themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.
[掌声]
[Applause]
是的
Right.
所以
And so,
放下对成绩和分数的痴迷
instead of being obsessed with grades and scores
当我们亲爱的孩子放学回家
when our precious offspring come home from school,
或者我们下班回家
or we come home from work,
我们要关掉电子设备 把手机放到一旁
we need to close our technology, put away our phones,
看着他们的眼睛
and look them in the eye
让他们看到我们脸上洋溢的喜悦
and let them see the joy that fills our faces
就像第一次看到我们初生的孩子
when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.
然后我们应该说
And then we have to say,
“你今天过得怎样?
“How was your day?
今天有什么高兴的事吗?”
What did you like about today?”
然后你的女儿会说 “午饭” 就像我女儿一样
And when your teenage daughter says, “Lunch,” like mine did,
但我想听到的是数学考试
and I want to hear about the math test,
不是午饭
not lunch,
但你还是得表现出对午饭的兴趣
you have to still take an interest in lunch.
你应该说 “今天的午饭哪里比较棒?”
You gotta say, “What was great about lunch today?”
他们需要知道 他们本身对我们很重要
They need to know they matter to us as humans,
而不是他们的学习成绩
not because of their GPA.
好 你可能会想 家务和爱
All right, so you’re thinking, chores and love,
这听起来很好 但是得了吧
that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.
大学看的是好成绩、荣誉和奖项
The colleges want to see top scores and grades
我会告诉你们 是有那么点
and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sort of.
那些最有名的学校需要这些
The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,
但有个好消息
but here’s the good news.
与大学排行榜传达的信息相反
Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe —
[掌声]
[Applause]
你不需要为了人生的幸福和成功
you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools
而非得去那些最有名的学校
to be happy and successful in life.
幸福和成功的人们 也会来自于公立学校
Happy and successful people went to state school,
来自于没人听过的学院
went to a small college no one has heard of,
来自于社区大学
went to community college,
来自于附近的学校 甚至被退学
went to a college over here and flunked out.
[掌声]
[Applause]
证据就在这个房间 在我们的社区
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,
这就是事实
that this is the truth.
如果我们眼光放开一些
And if we could widen our blinders
愿意看一些别的大学
and be willing to look at a few more colleges,
抛开我们的偏见
maybe remove our own egos from the equation,
我们会接受并拥抱这个事实 并且意识到
we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,
我们的孩子考不上顶尖大学
it is hardly the end of the world
并不是什么世界末日
if our kids don’t go to one of those big brand-name schools.
更重要的是
And more importantly,
如果孩子不在严格的清单约束下长大
if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist
等他们进入大学
then when they get to college,
不管什么大学
whichever one it is,
都是他们自主决定的
well, they’ll have gone there on their own volition,
是他们自身渴望的
fueled by their own desire,
想要在那里有一番作为
capable and ready to thrive there.
我得向你们坦白一些事
I have to admit something to you.
我刚才提到我的两个孩子 Sawyer和Avery
I’ve got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.
他们都十来岁
They’re teenagers.
有一次
And once upon a time,
我觉得我对待我的Sawyer和Avery
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
就像对待盆栽一样
like little bonsai trees —
[笑声]
[Laughter]
我想要小心的把他们修修剪剪
that I was going to carefully clip and prune
塑造成完美的形象
and shape into some perfect form of a human
完美到可以把他们送进
that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission
最受欢迎的大学
to one of the most highly selective colleges.
但是 我在工作中接触了几千个别人家的孩子 我才意识到
But I’ve come to realize, after working with thousands of other people’s kids —
[笑声]
[Laughter]
我意识到我的两个孩子
and raising two kids of my own,
他们不是盆栽
my kids aren’t bonsai trees.
他们是野花
They’re wildflowers
未知品种的野花
of an unknown genus and species —
[笑声]
[Laughter]
我的工作是提供成长的环境
and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment,
通过家务和爱 让他们变得强大
to strengthen them through chores
爱他们 他们才会爱别人 被别人爱
and to love them so they can love others and receive love
上大学、选专业、找工作
and the college, the major, the career,
都随他们自己
that’s up to them.
我的工作不是把他们变成我想要的样子
My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,
而是支持他们做最好的自己
but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
谢谢
Thank you.
[掌声]
[Applause]

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视频概述

给孩子过高的期望,事无巨细的管理孩子的生活,这样的养育方式适得其反。至少朱莉·利斯科特-海姆斯这么认为。这位前斯坦福新生学院院长,用激情和诙谐的语言,讲述了家长不应该用成绩和分数来定义孩子的成功,反而,应该专注在一个传统的想法:给予无条件的爱。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

B11101001

审核员

赖皮

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyElHdaqkjo

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