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假如你没有一个无忧无虑的童年 – 译学馆
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假如你没有一个无忧无虑的童年

How to Parent Yourself

我们都是由父母养育的
All of us were parented.
对许多人来说 这个过程都很顺利
For many of us, it went well.
我们被爱 我们的观点受到尊重
We were loved, our views were respected,
我们的需要大多都会得到满足
our needs were tended to.
这让我们成为了如今的健全的人
It helped to make us the more or less sane people we are now.
但对我们中的其他人来讲 事情进行得却不顺利
For others among us, things went really rather badly wrong.
他们可能缺乏安全感
Perhaps there was unreliability,
怒气冲冲 羞愧难当 暴力倾向 甚至更糟糕的状况
anger, humiliation, violence or worse.
如果有这种状况 我们就很容易被深深烙印
If there was, we’re liable to have beendeeply marked.
尽管很多年后
We may, even if it all happened quite a number of years ago now,
我们或许会发现
keep noticing new ways
往事阻挡了当下的美好生活
in which the past is getting in the way of a good life in the present.
我们的匮乏的育儿经验削弱了我们的能力
Our inadequate parenting experiences undermine our ability
以致于我们不能以良好的人际关系和适当的自信
to have sound relationships, the right sort of confidence
来让自己茁壮成长
and to extend adequate nurture to ourselves.
我们当然想有所进步
We would like, of course, to move on.
我们12岁以前的观念里的某些失衡和残酷的东西
There is something unbalanced and deeply cruel in
会决定我们后50年的生活
the idea of the first 12 years determining the next 50.
我们不能改变过去
We cannot change the past,
但至少堕入往事的深渊前 我们可以及时止步
but it does remain open to us to correct at least some of its repercussions.
我们可以通过这个被忽视却行之有效的过程来学习
We may learn to do this through a neglected
这个过程被称为“重新养育”
and yet deeply powerful process we call re-parenting.
父母的行为会在我们的头脑中形成
How our parents behaved will have laid down a template in our minds
一个如何应对挑战的模板
about how we should respond to challenges.
但我们不必一如既往地拘泥于
But we don’t need to remain forever stuck with the kind of care
自己早年形成的行为方式
which we imbibed in the early years.
我们天生有自我教育的能力
We by nature have an ability to parent ourselves.
这意味着 我们能在困难时刻安慰自己
What this means is, an ability to- comfort ourselves at moments of difficulty
用想象力和善意来化解困扰我们的麻烦
– to interpret the troubles that beset us with imagination and kindness
在焦虑和得失面前使自己鼓起勇气
– to encourage ourselves in the face of anxiety and loss
利用我们的富有经验和安之若素的一面
– and to reassure the more fragile, agitated parts of us
来抚平自己的脆弱和激动
by drawing upon our experience and our serene aspects.
这些都是合格的父母为孩子做的
All this is what good parents do for their children,
但是如果我们没有享受到这些待遇
but if this did not happen to us,
成年后的我们仍然可以重新开始 自己动手丰衣足食
we can still – in adulthood – step in anddo it for ourselves.
我们思想的一面可以和另一面对话
One part of the mind can speak to the other,
健全的有弹性的一面
one part can act as the sane, resilient counterweight
可以抚慰受伤的不成熟的一面
to the bruised more immature side of the self.
我们可以想象有一只臂膀当自己的避风港
We can figuratively put an arm around our own shoulder.
父母给我们的育儿经验很匮乏
Our experience of the shortfalls of our own parents offer us an expertise
但若我们仅停留在批评的水平就是一种浪费了
that is wasted if it stays stuck at the level of criticism.
这些经验应该成为一个更有用的项目模板:
It should become the template for a far more useful project:
在心里创造一个理想的父母
the creation of an inner ideal parent, who acts in all the ways
他做了自己该做的一切 却从不过线
in which the real thing should have done, but didn’t quite.
对自己的匮乏之处了解很多
Knowing so much about what we did not have
能使我们成为相关方面的专家
enables us to be experts at what we need
还有 我们应该相信自己可以做到自我教育
– and should believe we can provide for ourselves.
我们心中已经拥有完美的父母
We already have the perfect inner parent;
只是现实中的父母在很多方面都恰恰相反
it’s simply in many ways the opposite of the one we had.
在时间上 童年一去不返
Though childhood is a one off event in material time,
但在心理上 童年是不断重复的
in psychological time, it is endlessly recurring.
八岁的我们仍然在那里
The eight year old us is stillthere –
我们可以和他对话并做出回应
and we can talk to it and respond to it in a way
使其渐渐成熟 茁壮成长
that allows it to mature and strengthen in the way it always should.
我们应该大胆利用被低估了的
We can dare to make use of a much underestimated
自我抚育的能力
capacity that of reparenting ourselves.
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视频概述

幼时家庭教育的残缺可能成为一个人后半生的心理阴影,但别人给不了的,我们可以自己争取……

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBXZojt6dpM

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