Oprah Winfrey has a superpower.
For over 30 years, people who speak to her
have not been able to help but to open up
sometimes crying, expressing joy,
or just showing the most vulnerable parts of themselves.
and it leaves Oprah making an
impression that you know sticks with people for a long time.
That ability propelled Oprah to a net worth of four billion dollars.
not to mention launching books to the top of the bestsellers list
and Dr. Phil’s television career.
So in this video, we are going to explore
how and why Oprah is the best connector
that I’ve ever covered on this channel.
And you’re gonna learn how to live so that
people will naturally find themselves opening up and connecting with you.
That’s going to make it.
So that they might meet you just for a short time,
but could remember you for the rest of their life.
首先 奥普拉会为交流而布置场景 真的会布场
So, first of all, Oprah sets the stage to connect, literally.
Unlike many other TV show hosts,
she is famous for walking the aisle of studio audience.
and for sitting on the same couch as her guests.
Later on, she would actually go into their homes for intimate interviews.
Now the lack of physical barrier, such as a desk
tends to make two people feel more connected
And that’s why you’re more likely to find a spark on the first date.
If you sit adjacent to your date
Rather than being separated by a table.
And it’s also why people don’t feel comfortable
When subconsciously block the other person by crossing their legs,
or by placing an object in between them.
In Oprah’s case,
the lack of barriers enables
both a sense of being emotionally connected
as well as an opportunity to connect physically via touch.
I love you. Oh.
You are so so, so, good.
So happy for you call.
-So this is a deal. -I love you.
-You’re so so so good. -Thank you.
So so so, come on.
With Oprah, you’re gonna see high-fives, hand squeezes,
walking arm and arm, hugs.
But to really grasp power important
touch in her style for communication,
you have to see it in contexts.
Now I can’t show all of these clips,
because it’s three minutes long.
But take a look quickly at
how many points of contact she has with the member from her audience.
We’re all celebrating our 40th.
Your ninth baby, come here.
Your ninth baby? Oh my god.
That’s it. How does it go? How many months have you now?
My husband isn’t here. No, really?
Did you always want a big family?
That’s it! That’s it!
Alright, thanks, what is your name? Katherine.
Katherine is going to have a baby in three months, unbelievable!
It’s doubly unfortunate that
there are so many cases of unwanted sexual touches
coming up in the news in our culture nowadays.
Obviously fantastic, because we’re illuminating that
But an unfortunate side effect that these platonic touches are getting lost.
These are things that truly help to connect two people.
It’s part for why people
can open up so quickly and so consciously with Oprah.
For more nuisance breakdown of touching,
You can check our video on Chris Hemsworth.
But for now,
just know that this immediately lowers the sense of separation
between Oprah and the person she’s speaking to.
You may have also notice something else that does that
which is how strong Oprah’s eye contact is.
She is completely comfortable with intimacy and prolonged eye contact.
Just look how present she is when listening to Steven Spielberg.
Showing him how he truly has her full attention.
Any particular scene?
I think the first time was when
he gave his very very long and important explanation of
why he needed to get the 13th Amendment to abolish slavery.
You could see Oprah squinting and furrowing her brow
shows the other person that she is actively listening to what they’re saying.
But these aren’t just charisma tactics to just be used
This is the result of what happens
when you are truly present and trying to understand someone.
When you’re on the flip side receiving someone’s full attention
it feels absolutely incredible.
Now to draw this point home that make the other person feel even better
Oprah would often listen
and then summarize what the other person has just said.
Take this clip for instance
When Rihanna was talking about her relationship with her father and Chris Brown.
And you will notice how she response to Oprah’s recap of what she just said.
I have to forgive him,
Because I cared about him still.
The minute I let go of that,
I started living again.
-You make peace with your father
– Make peace with my father.
– And then you’re able to make peace with Chris.- Yes, yeah.
Because you realized the connection between
What your father had done and what Chris had done.
Because of the intensity of Oprah’s full focus,
Guests often feel that she get them at a deep level
They feel connected to her in some way
Like they share common life and understanding
Now Oprah doesn’t just imply
these connections and commonality with her body language.
She straights up and calls them out
with her guests as she sees them.
I was so thrilled to realize how you and I are most alike
Let me guess.
You’re an introvert.
I’m an introvert!!
I knew it.
You knew it?
This small thing is much more significant than it may sound
In the book “Influence”of Robert Cialdini discusses
how feeling similar to someone is
one of the sixth most powerful factors in persuasion.
It puts two people in sync,
allowing for pacing and leading
which we discuss in other video that
I’m going to link to in the description below.
Now people who are in sync may breathe in sync.
They might move in the same way.
But the easiest way to spot it
is that you can finish each other’s sentences.
Oprah has this phase blindingly fast with many of her guests.
Watch the continuation of that clip in Theumer
– 我会在很多聚会中途离开一会儿- 休息一下
-Beening to the partys, we have to get up and leave.-Take a break.
– 去浴室待一会- 放空一下
-Just in the bathroom.-Recharge.
– 给心情充电- 我喜欢浴室
-Recharge.-I love the bathroom.
– 你也喜欢躲起来？- 我喜欢躲在浴室
-Love it？-Love to hide in bathroom.
Where she gets ennergy from people
-She feeds it -Right ,feeds of it.
-And we suck dried-And I get …
-Yeah, you need to be taken out the party on the structure.-Yes
All of what we’ve discuss up until now is very useful
But what make Oprah truly exceptional at connecting is her philosophy.
That the most important thing to uncover in an interaction
is what moves people emotionally
She didn’t get famous discussing politics or by doing goofy skits.
She got famous by exploring what made her guests feel feelings
and that’s why you often heae her ask question like these
what the most difficulty decision you’ve had to make to fulfil your destiny?
How would you describe your childhood?
How did you manage to pull the pieces of yourself together?
You’ll notice that these question aren’t small talk or banter.
They have to do with hardship, with family.
with the things we don’t want to tell people about ourselves,
因为我们害怕它们会让我们变得脆弱 无力 情绪化
because we’re afraid of how vulnerable raw and emotional they make us.
But family, hardship,
our dreams, the things that we’ve ashamed of
these are the things that often define who we are at our core.
And illustrate how powerful these ideas of
dreams and family can be to people.
watch the clip of Oprah with James Corden.
This was actually the video that put her on my radar
as someone that had a true gift with charisma.
I recommend watching the whole thing separately
because it’s really remarkable.
And I gonna diminish the effect by editing it here.
but this is a brief overview of an interaction that
lasts just two and a half minutes.
When did you first realize
you have this power just to make people cry?
来吧 尽情发挥 释放你的能力
Go on. Give me your best. Unleash the power.
Every father has a dream for his children.
Oh, shut up.
What is the dream that you hold in your heart?
The dream you hold?
I just want…
This scenario isn’t unique to Oprah.
She’s been bringing people tears her whole career.
and it’s the ability to get to someone’s emotional core.
and that really did to make her famous.
And if you apply what you’ve learned so far
you’re gonna be able to get people to open up to a deep connection
that will bond you to for a long time.
But there is one final and very critical point.
When people do get emotionally real,
当他们哭了 激动了 或是其它什么
When they cry, they get excited, whatever it is.
Oprah doesn’t try to defuse that tension.
She leans into it, she allows her guests express themselves fully.
And so many of us unfortunately do the opposite.
Someone cries we pat them uncomfortable saying
Hoping that they will stop,
or they get excited and redirect the conversation
because their enthusiasm doesn’t fit our current mood.
Oprah can connect people so brilliantly,
Because she not only encourage them to open up,
she also validate them when they do.
She’s empathetic enough to go there emotionally with them
she shares in their joy or their pain.
Have you been sober since?
Yes, I have.
Let’s celebrate that. That’s where you are right now.
Look at how great that is.
It makes me cry too. It makes me cry too.
我懂 没关系的 这挺好的
I know, I know. It’s beautiful.
Why am I crying on Oprah?
In short, people feel comforta enough to
be vulnerable and open up to Oprah
because she will go there too.
In fact, she went there first;
early in her talk-show career,
she revealed the sexual abuse that she suffered as a nine-year-old
not to mention a whole slew of other personal struggles
that I wasn’t even aware of
as someone who didn’t watch her talk show as a kid.
And it was her openness that
paved the way for others to do the same
when they came on her show.
so if you want to connect with someone deeply
to get them to open up past the surface level small-talk,
and get them to really remember you.
You have to be fascinated by what moves them emotionally.
You have to focus primarily on what you share
rather than on how you different
and you have to be willing to open yourself up,
so that others feel safe doing the same with you.
That’s what made Oprah the biggest talk show star ever.
It’s what endeared her to millions of viewers,
and earned her billions of dollars
and if you followed the advice in this video
it can be your superpower too.
Now, one of the themes of this video
is the value of being heard.
It honestly can’t be overstated;
you see how deeply impacted Oprah’s guests are by her attention.
What’s unfortunate is that
so few of us have the opportunity to feel heard in our lives
and sometimes it’s hard to share what’s going on
in your life even with close friends
sometimes those friends and family don’t know how to advise us
or they give bad advice because they’re so close to us.
That’s why I have asked better help to sponsor this video
and I’m very excited about it
because betterhelp provides affordable counseling
from licensed therapists all from your home.
I’ve actually used this service myself
and I’m going to continue to
because talking to someone once a week
has had a positive impact on my life
plus it doesn’t have this hassle of having to leave the house,
you can just chat from your couch using your phone or your computer.
Ben also signed up and got a ton from it.
He was actually pretty excited because
he identified this sense of anxiety masquerading as perfectionism.
And since then, he’s been able to take steps
not to worry as much about past mistakes
or trying to be so perfect all the time.
BetterHelp can help you also find your blind spots.
so if you think that you might benefit
from talking to someone on a regular basis,
consider checking out betterhelp.com/charisma
or click the link in the description to get started.
You just gonna answer a few questions,
so that they can connect you with the right therapist for your situation.
and then you’ll be matched within 24 hours,
and you can cancel anytime you want.
It’s completely confidential, you don’t have to leave your house,
and it’s a small fraction of the cost of most other therapy options.
Now, because both Ben and I got a lot of value from it,
I think there’s a good chance
that you will too and it’s absolutely the case that speaking
with a licensed therapist can have a big impact.
if you are facing challenges in your life.
So if BetterHelp sounds right for you, go ahead and check it out.
Either way, I hope that you are happy,
much love from me, and
I look forward to seeing you in the next video.