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如何让人们自我感觉良好 – 译学馆
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如何让人们自我感觉良好

How to Make People Feel Good About Themselves

We tend to operate with the view that
我们倾向于这样一种观点:
the best way to please people is not to bother them too much.
取悦他人的最佳方式是 不要经常麻烦他们
We keep many of our dilemmas and confusions away from those we like,
我们让自己的困境和困惑远离喜欢的人
for fear of irritating or inconveniencing them and so spoiling the relationship.
怕惹怒或麻烦他们 从而影响到我们的关系
We may well have a voice echoing in our minds from childhood:
可能从小就有个声音在我们的脑海里回响:
‘Don’t bother your mother, can’t you see she’s exhausted from her trip?
“不要吵到妈妈 你看不见她上班回来已经很累了吗?
Don’t bother your father, he works hard for us and he’s busy right now…’
别去妨碍爸爸 他为了我们努力工作 现在正忙着呢……”
There are powerful reasons why we equate making others happy
有各种充分的理由 将取悦他人
with burdening them as little as possible.
和尽可能不麻烦他人等同了起来
But our analysis is missing a key detail of human psychology:
但分析漏掉了人类心理学的一个重要细节:
we like to be bothered.
其实我们喜欢被麻烦
Not at all time and over all things,
不是指在任何时候所有事情上
nor at the expense of our own critical needs,
也不是以牺牲自己的关键需求为代价
but fundamentally, we have a powerful urge to feel helpful.
而是从根本上讲 我们有一种强烈的欲望去帮助别人
We need to be needed. All of us suffer from a fear of superfluity,
我们需要被别人需要 害怕变成多余的
which the requirements of others has a critical capacity to appease.
而别人对我们的需要恰好缓和了这种恐惧
However nice presents may be for our friends,
无论我们送给朋友的礼物多么好
the real gift we can offer them is an insight into our problems.
真正的礼物是让他们了解我们的困难
We can pick this theme up in the realm of work.
我们可以在工作领域讨论这个主题
The dominant societal story is that we work strictly for ourselves:
这个社会盛行的故事模式是我们完全为了自己工作:
for our status and our financial benefit.
为了我们的地位和经济利益
But in reality, more puzzlingly but far more beautifully,
但在现实中 更令人费解但更美好的是
what really makes our work feel exciting and meaningful
工作给予我们帮助他人的力量
is the power it gives us to help other people.
才真的让工作变得令人兴奋和意义非凡
Work is at its most gratifying when it affords us a feeling that we have,
工作最令人满足的时候是
over the course of the day,
我们发现自己在这一天中
managed to appease the suffering or increase the pleasure of another person.
尽力缓解了他人的痛苦 或增加了他人的快乐
There are so many stories of being exhausted by the requests of others;
他人的要求常常使人精疲力尽
too few of the delight we experience when we turn around
而消除别人的痛苦 烦恼和欲望
someone else’s distress, boredom or craving.
也并不能带来多少愉悦
We can’t ultimately feel our valuable sides
只有当别人叫我们去帮忙时
until we are called upon to exercise them:
我们才终于感受到自己的价值所在:
we don’t have a sense of our strength
直到有人需要我们帮忙搬东西时
until someone needs us to lift something;
我们才会感受到一种力量
we can’t feel intelligent
只有当别人请求我们解决问题时
until someone asks us to solve an issue;
我们才会发现自己如此聪明
we can’t feel wise
除非别人让我们裁决争端时
until we’ve been brought in to adjudicate a dispute.
我们才会觉得自己明智
We rely on the needs of others to remind us of what we’re capable.
通过他人的需要让我们想起自身的能力
What holds true in professional life applies as much to personal experience.
在职业生活中适用的 在个人经历中也同样适用
The best way to charm and break the ice with a new person
在公共场合遇到了有好感的人
we like the look of in a public place
我们吸引对方和打破沉默的最好办法
isn’t to try to say something witty or soothing.
不是说些风趣或宽心的话
We should strive to bring them a question.
而是应该努力以提问的方式交流
We should ask them whether we’re in the right queue;
比如我们排的队正确与否
whether they know when the post office opens –
他们是否知道邮局何时营业
or if they have any idea how long a chicken this size might need in an oven.
或者他们是否知道这种大小的鸡在烤箱里需要多长时间
With closer friends too, we should dare to reveal our bemusements.
同样 面对更亲密的好友 我们应该敢于表露自己的困惑
We should ask them if they could possibly spare a moment,
应该问他们是否能抽空
then solicit their views on what we might do about our angry teenage child,
然后征求他们的意见 关于如何对待暴躁的青春期孩子
how we should cope with a sexless relationship
我们该如何应对无性关系
or what they’d advise us about a colleague who is prone to panic.
或者面对一个容易急躁的同事 有什么好建议
Our questions won’t be a burden,
我们的问题不会成为烦扰
they will show that we are ready to make ourselves vulnerable in their eyes –
反而表明 我们愿意在他们面前示弱
and therefore that we trust and think them wise.
也意味着我们相信并认为他们是明智的
This isn’t just a cynical strategy for ingratiating ourselves;
这根本不是一种讨好的利己策略
it isn’t Machiavellian or sly. We genuinely all need help.
也不是不择手段和狡猾 而是我们确实需要帮助
We aren’t pretending to have problems
我们不是假装有困难
and making up a few just to flatter.
也是为了讨好编造一些问题
We are suffering inside, but simply generally
我们的内心是痛苦的
don’t dare to reveal the truth for fear of driving people away.
只是怕赶走别人而不敢透露真相
And yet we are staying guarded out of an ideal of self-sufficiency
然而 自给自足的理想让我们处于警备状态
that isn’t either true to our needs
而这种理想既不符合我们的需求
or constructive for the well being and esteem of others.
也不利于他人获得幸福和尊重
So, we should risk doing what we at heart have always longed to do:
所以 我们应该冒险去做内心一直渴望做的事情:
to reveal some of the fear, sadness and angst
向我们关心的人释放一些我们真实感受到的
we genuinely feel to those we care about.
恐惧 悲伤和焦虑
We will be helped in our pain,
我们会在痛苦中得到帮助
we will remind others of their capacities
也会唤醒别人的能力
– and, if we are fortunate, we’ll set a precedent that means that
如果幸运的话 我们会开创一个先例
others will one day bring a few of their problems to us in turn.
这意味着有天别人也会反过来向我们“求救”
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视频概述

其实我们喜欢麻烦。

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收集自网络

翻译译者

乏善

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审核员SR

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8pzhYC7prA

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