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如何改善与父母的关系

How To Improve Relationship With Parents

Working with teens can be a real challenge.
与青少年相处是一件极具挑战性的事
And that relationship between parents and teens?
父母与处于青少年时期的孩子关系如何?
How do you improve relationship with parents as a teenager?
作为一个青少年 你是如何提升与父母之间的关系的?
You might want to share this one with your teen.
你可能想和同龄人讨论这个问题
You know, Vic, when I’m working with families about this,
Vic 你知道的 当我处理不同家庭的这类问题时
the place that I always want to start is with an understanding of parent psychology.
我总想从 了解父母心理开始
Parent psychology for the youth?
父母面对孩子的心理?
Yeah. Wouldn’t it be helpful?
是的 难道没用吗?
If you’re a young person, think about it.
考虑一下 如果你是个年轻人
Wouldn’t it be helpful to know
知道父母在想什么
how they’re thinking?
难道没用吗?
– What is going on in their mind? – So, is that possible?
– 他们到底在想什么? – 所以我们能做到吗?
So, what… I’m curious what is parent psychology?
我很好奇父母心理是什么
Okay. So, this is interesting
有趣的是
because we’ve done a lot of videos here for parents
我们已经为父母们制作了很多
about 3 stages of moral development.
关于青少年道德发展3个阶段的视频了
And Vicki, in the Parenting Power-Up
我们也详细介绍了
we go into some detail about this.
育儿能力提升的相关内容
This is parent psychology.
这就是父母心理
It’s in a different wrapper. But check it out.
名称不同 但内涵是一样的
Parents think in a very predictable way.
父母用一种预测性的方式思考
And there are 3 stages of moral development.
道德发展有3个阶段
Stage one…
阶段1
Give us a quick overview of what stage one is all about.
请快速为我们概括下阶段1的内容吧
So, stage one is “I want to get everything for me.
好的 阶段1就是“我想要获得一切”
I’m selfish. I’m motivated by my consequences,
“我是自私的 我会被事情的结果
by what I can get out of things.”
以及我能获得的东西激励”
Very externalized locus of control.
控制源是非常外在的
And so, the only reason I do anything right
因此 我做任何正确的事的唯一原因
is because there’s something in it for me
是它能为我带来什么
or I’m going to get clobbered if I don’t.
或者 不做的话会挨打
Okay, that’s stage one.
好的 这是第一阶段
Stage 2,
阶段2
that’s more cooperative.
这个阶段青少年会更愿意合作一些
“So, I don’t want any trouble. I want to keep the peace
“我不想惹麻烦 我想保持和平
and I’m going to go along and comply with reasonable…
我打算好好相处 面对理性的……
But it might not good and a very happy way
这方法可能不好 也可能不太愉快
but I am going to do what I have to do.”
但是我打算这样做”
– Maybe with some attitude. – Right.
– 可能带着一点小脾气 – 没错
– Cooperation not always the right attitude. – Right.
– 合作但可能有小脾气 – 是的
And then stage 3.
然后是阶段3
That’s where you actually take initiative to do things.
这一阶段 青少年真正主动地做事情
You see what needs to be done.
你能发现需要做的事
You see the proper behavior
你知道什么是恰当的行为
or whatever is expected in the situation
也知道这种情况下别人期待你做什么
and you just do it out of initiation.
并且你会主动去做
Now, these stages are important
了解这些阶段的划分很重要
because your stage of maturity
因为你的成熟程度
determined your level of control that you get to have.
决定了你能控制自己生活的程度
That control word is such a buzzword for to our teens.
现在的孩子很难理解“控制”这个词
I had a 15-year-old young man right here on my couch
有一次 一个15岁的孩子坐在我沙发上
and his mom was on the other end of the couch.
他妈妈坐在沙发另一头
And I was interviewing both of them about, “Okay, what’s going on?”
我分别问他们两个人 “发生了什么?”
Mom had this laundry list, okay?
妈妈有一份家务清单
Of things that she wanted to address with her son.
上面写着她希望交代给儿子做的事
I asked the son, the 15 year old, “What’s going on?”
我问那15岁的儿子 “发生了什么?”
He gets this indignant look on his face and he points over at mom
他表情愤怒 指着他的妈妈
and he says, “SHE is trying to control my life!”
说“她!想控制我的生活!”
And I’m… I go after mom. I’m like,
然后我……我去妈妈那边问
“What’s the deal? You’re trying to control his life?”
“怎么了?你尝试控制他的生活了吗?”
– And her response? – Not at all.
– 她是怎么回答的? – 完全不是
“No. Heavens, no. I want him to control his life.
“不 当然不是 我想他控制自己的生活
I don’t want to control his life. I got other things to do.”
我不想控制他的生活 我还有其它事情要做”
But here’s the parent psychology part:
这就是父母心理:
How mature you are matters in how much control you have.
你的成熟程度 决定了你能获得的自由程度
But how mature your parents think you are
但是 父母认为你有多成熟
will determine how much control they try to take in your life.
决定了他们会在多大程度上控制你的生活
So, if they think that you’re being immature,
因此 如果他们认为你不成熟
they’re going to get all control freaky on you.
他们对你有更加恐怖的控制
Yeah, because in a parent’s view, you can really see where control has to be in place.
是的 在父母看来 他们知道什么时候该管孩子
– Yes. – And so, if you don’t perceive this child
– 是的 – 因此 如果你感觉这个孩子
as being able to take that control
没有能力以一种负责任的方式
in a responsible way then you’re going to take it.
控制自己的生活 你就会拿走控制权
Look at it from a parent’s perspective for a minute.
从父母的角度看一下问题
Either you control yourself
要么你管好自己
or I have to step in and control you
要么我来管你
or if I can’t do that, the state is going to come in.
如果我管不了你 那么政府就该来管你了
So, a big thing for helping a teenager understand parent psychology
帮助青少年了解父母心理的一件重要的事
is recognizing that they don’t really want all the control.
是认识到父母并不是真的想管你
– No. – They want you to have control
– 他们不想 – 他们希望你表现得成熟一些
by showing maturity.
然后让你掌控自己的生活
Parents want maturity. Kids want control.
父母想要成熟 孩子想要自由
And that’s why it’s important to understand that parent psychology.
这也是了解父母心理的重要之处
Let’s get into some things that you can do to improve the relationship.
让我们来聊聊可以改善与父母之间关系的几种做法
If you’re a parent listening to this presentation today,
如果你是一个正在看这个视频的家长
you might want to share this with your teenager
你可能想和孩子分享这些
because these are some really powerful ways to improve that relationship
因为这些方法能非常有效地改善你们之间的关系
and come up with a little better balance.
使你们之间达到一个平衡
One of the first things a teenager could do
为了改善与父母之间的关系
to improve their relationship with their parents
表示自己已经长大了
and to show maturity is just to be nice.
青少年首先需要友善待人
Be kind.
善良一些
Use nice language. No profanity.
使用文明的词语 不要对父母不敬
I remember one time you had a youth saying,
我记得有一次一个孩子说
“There’s nothing wrong with the way that I’m speaking.
“我这样说话没错
It’s fine to speak this way.” You know?
这样说话没问题” 你记得吗?
– Oh, yeah. – Yeah. But I think you asked him,
– 是的 – 然后你问他
“If you had a job interview and you knew they were going to
“如果你要参加一个面试 如果你被聘用了
pay you $500,000 dollars a year if you could just land this job.
他们就会给你50万美元的年薪
When you go to the job interview,
当你参加这个面试的时候
what’s the language you’re going to use?
你会使用怎样的语言呢?
Would you use the same language you’re throwing out at your mom?”
向妈妈咆哮的口气合适吗?”
Yeah. And so, obviously, because as a youth,
不合适 所以显然 作为一个青少年
you know what language is acceptable and
你知道对于大人们来说 哪些语言是可接受的
isn’t acceptable for adults. So, just…
哪些是不可接受的 所以……
– Yeah. – Make it your choice. Be kind.
– 是的 – 做出自己的选择吧 友善一些
Use the best language.
使用文明的词语
Don’t use profanity.
不要对父母不敬
Say nice things.
说友善的话
Maybe even compliment occasionally.
偶尔可以夸赞一下父母
So simple but this has such power
很简单 但是当你与人相处
as you interact with people in general
尤其是与你父母这样有权管你的人相处时
especially your parents or the people who have authority over you.
这种做法非常有效
Be nice. Be respectful.
友好 尊重
Be kind. Be cooperative.
善良 合作
So simple
非常简单
and yet it’s not very often implemented.
但不是经常能做到的
Or at least when it’s not, there’s there’s conflict.
至少做不到时 冲突就会产生
– Right. – Vicki, I’ll take the next one.
– 是的 – Vicki 我来说下一个
– Okay. – Because I get this all the time.
– 好的 – 因为我总是遇到这个问题
“How do I get my kids to clean up their messes?”
“怎样才能让孩子们打扫他们弄乱的地方?”
Okay. That’s a hint of something that we could do to improve the relationship.
这暗示着我们可以通过这种方式来改善亲子关系
If you’re a teenager, clean up.
如果你是一个青少年 打扫干净
You would not believe how much credibility and credit
你无法想象主动打扫
it gets you to just clean up without being asked.
会为你带来多少信任
Coming in front of your mom.
在妈妈要求之前行动
It carries more weight than it’s worth, honestly.
老实说 这在父母心中非常有分量
And so, clean up.
因此 打扫干净吧
Clean up your face and your body.
清理你的脸和身体
Clean up your room and your area.
整理你的房间和活动空间
Clean up your language and your appearance.
规范你的语言 整理你的仪表
Anything you can do to clean up
打扫所有你可以打扫的东西
is going to put you in a more powerful position
这将使你在一段关系中处于一个更有利的地位
in your relationships in general.
这对所有关系都适用
But we’re talking especially with your parents today.
但是我们今天特别讨论的是亲子关系
This next tip is one that I am really quite passionate about.
下一个技巧是我非常喜欢的
And that’s just expressing gratitude.
表达感谢
You know, I just think it goes so far to just say thank you to someone. Or
我觉得仅仅对别人说声谢谢就够了
“I like the way you do this.” Or
或是“我喜欢你这样做”
“It’s great that you provide this for me.” Or
或是“谢谢你给我这个”
“I’m so lucky or blessed that you always make dinner, mom.”
或是“妈妈 能吃到你做的晚饭 让我感觉太幸福了”
Or “You always go buy dinner.”
或是“你能买晚饭回来”
I think each of our kids have used this.
我感觉我们的每个孩子都这样做过
And it has gotten each of them some significant leverage with us as parents.
而这极大地影响了他们和我们之间的关系
It really does pack some weight
这个举动对父母来说很重要
when a child comes into our bedroom at night and says,
设想 一个孩子在睡前来到我们的房间 对我们说
“Hey, just before I went to bed. I just wanted to let you guys know that I really appreciate it.
“在睡前我想说 非常感谢你们
You’re taking us to that park today. That was so cool.
今天带我们去了公园 太有趣了
– Thank you so much.” – Yeah.
– 非常感谢” – 是的
Or getting up from the table.
或者从桌边走过来
“Thank you for this dinner, mom. That was really good.”
“妈妈 谢谢你准备的晚餐 太好吃了”
– Yeah. – Wow.
– 是的 – 哇哦
It doesn’t take much but just a little bit of gratitude
不需要付出太多 仅仅一点感激
goes a long way.
对父母来说也是非常重要的
I know how much effort it takes. I’ve measured it.
我知道你需要付出多少努力 我测过了
That’s the actual amount. But guess how much benefit you get.
而且只是一般的好处 猜猜你能得到多少好处?
– Yeah. It just opens up all kinds of things. – Yeah. Huge.
– 是的 它使很多事都成为可能 – 是的 非常多好处
Here’s the next tip: Pitch in.
下一个技巧:投入
– That’s an old phrase. Do people still use that? – I don’t know.
– 这是一个很老的词组 现在的人还这么说吗? – 不知道
It came from a campaign to stop littering.
这种说法来自一个提倡不乱扔垃圾的组织
At least this is when I remember it.
至少我记忆中是的
Remember the old pitching commercials.
我还记得那个古老的广告
And and they showed people throwing trash into a garbage container
广告里一个人把垃圾扔进垃圾桶里
instead of littering it on the streets, right? Pitch in.
而不是把它扔在街上 投入
It also means step up and do something to contribute.
它还有一个意思:开始为某件事付出
One of the families that I’m working with right now
我正在帮助的一个家庭
calls it family contributions.
称之为“家庭贡献”
– Okay. – They don’t call them chores.
– 好的 – 他们不说“家务”
Family contributions. This is what I’m doing to contribute to the family.
而是“家庭贡献” 我正在做的这件事是对家庭的贡献
And it carries a lot of weight. Why?
这点很有用 原因?
Remember parent psychology?
还记得父母心理吗?
Parents will take the amount of control that they think they need to take
父母对你的控制程度
based on how mature they think you are.
取决于他们认为你有多成熟
– If you’re pitching in… – That’s showing initiative, first of all.
– 如果你付出…… – 首先 这表示你很主动
– And that’s just… – Stage 3.
– 这就…… – 第3阶段
So, immediately, they’re thinking, “Aha, this kid is ready for more control.”
他们立刻会想“啊 这个孩子可以有更多的掌控权了”
– They think that you’re being more mature. – Mm-hmm.
– 他们觉得你变得更成熟了 – 是的
What an amazing thing. Pitch in.
多么神奇 付出
And it doesn’t have to be a lot even. Just like gather all the dishes.
甚至不用做很多事 仅仅是收拾碗碟这样的小事
You’re going to walk away from the dinner table anyway.
反正你都要从餐桌旁经过
Take some of the dishes to the kitchen the same time.
顺便把一些碗碟拿到厨房吧
That’s hard.
这很难
I know it’s hard I know how hard it is. I measured.
我知道这很难 我也知道有多难 我试过
Honestly, you’re going to do it anyway, right?
实话说 反正你都要做的 不是吗?
If mom nags you or asks you to do something, are you going to do it? Yeah.
如果妈妈唠叨你 或是让你干活 你会做吗?会的
Because you don’t want any trouble. You’re at least on a stage 2.
因为你不想惹麻烦 你至少在第2阶段
Well, how much more effort does it take to do it without being asked?
那么 主动做这些需要额外付出多少努力呢?
This much. Get you this much benefit.
这么点 但是会给你带来这么多好处
It’s not even balanced. Seriously. This is how parents think.
根本不平衡 真的 但父母就是这么想的
And it will improve your relationship to pitch in.
并且付出还能改善你与父母之间的关系
Sometimes the relationship between parents and teens gets a little strained
有时候 亲子之间的关系会有一些紧张
because the teen wants something
因为孩子想要什么东西
– and they get the answer “No”. – Yeah.
– 但是得到的回答却是“不行” – 是的
“You can’t have that.”
“你不能买那个”
Parents will have another conversation about how you can get to yes.
父母会跟你说如何才能得到肯定的回答
That’s a powerful parenting strategy.
这是一个有效的育儿策略
But right now, let’s talk about the power of accepting “No”.
但是现在 让我们说说接受“不”的力量
Accepting no.
接受“不”
– Graciously. – Yes. Graciously.
– 感激地 – 是的 感激地
See, sometimes when your parents say no, you’re like, “Ugh!”
有时候 你的父母说不可以 你会非常不满
– You throw a little tantrum. – And you tell them why that’s the right answer.
– 你会发小脾气 – 然后你会告诉他们为什么你想要这个东西
How they’re wrong and they’re abusive and they’re
他们错得有多离谱 他们在虐待你
depriving you of your human rights.
剥夺你作为一个人的权利
– Ruining your life. – Ruining your life, right?
– 毁掉你的生活 – 毁掉你的生活 是吗?
That’s not going to fly with any parent I know.
这跟我所了解的父母可不一样
Well, it just doesn’t show… Remember, our goal is to show your parents that you’re more mature.
请牢记 我们的目标是向父母展示你已经变得更成熟了
So that you can get more control.
因此你可以拥有更大程度的控制权了
So, that does not show maturity.
但发脾气不是成熟的表现
It takes a lot of maturity to accept “No” graciously.
感激地接受“不”是很成熟的做法
And this is true of adults of parents to accept No.
成年人 父母 一样要接受“不”
Now, I want to give you one little tip, though.
这里我想教你们一个小技巧
If you can start to rephrase a request to
你可以变换说法
“What would it take for me
你可以说“我需要做什么
to be able to go out with my friends on Saturday?”
才可以周六和朋友们出去玩?”
Instead of “Can I go?” is “What would it take?”
不是“我可以去吗” 而是“我需要付出什么”
And that just puts… These shows that I’m willing to do something.
这种说法表示我愿意做一些事情
I’m willing to pay my part of the price for your part
我愿意为你的许可 或是其他的什么
which is permission or whatever.
付出代价
Do you remember our third son, Brennan
你记得我们的第三个儿子Brennan
used to use this all the time.
总是这样说
I don’t mean use it in a manipulative sort of way.
我不是说他故意做不好的事情
– He just figured out, “Oh, this works.” – Yeah.
– 他只是恰巧发现 “哦 这个方法可行” – 是的
He would approach this and say, “Dad, what would it take for me to be able to do this or that?”
他会来和我说“爸爸 我需要做什么才能这样那样?”
Now, as a parent, I’m looking at that and I’m thinking,
现在 作为一个家长 回想起来
“That’s not a yes or no answer.”
我觉得“这不是一个回答可以或是不可以的问题”
No. And it actually psychologically,
不是 它实际上运用了心理学技巧
it puts you into problem-solving right away.
立刻让你进入一种解决问题的思维方式中
Versus yes or no.
而不是“是非题”
And so, it’s a great tool to use.
因此 这是一个很好的方法
And then it gives you something very specific that you can do
然后父母会明确地告诉你需要做什么
and gives them a way to measure whether you’re cooperating initiating and ready.
也让他们能知道你是不是在主动配合 是不是准备好了
Back to the no for just a minute.
再说一下“不”
For you to accept no, when no is the answer, accept it graciously.
如果你收到了否定答复 感激地接受
This is magic.
这个举动是有魔力的
It works something in your parents head
它会触动父母头脑的某个地方
that tells them you’re more mature.
告诉他们 你更成熟了
Or at least they’ll think you’re more mature. And that’s relevant.
至少他们会觉得你更成熟了 这点很重要
So, you accept the no by saying something like,
所以 你接受这个否定答复 同时说
“Thank you. I understand and I accept that.”
“谢谢 我明白的 我接受这个决定”
Now, that sounds weird
听起来可能有点不可思议
but even if you were to think that
但是仅仅这样想
and have your response mirror that somehow,
你的举动也能反映出来
that’s going to go a long way.
做到这点需要很多努力
In fact, it’s hard. I’ve measured.
实际上 很难 我试过了
You get the picture.
你了解的
Are you ready as a parent to take this to the next level?
作为一个家长 你准备好进入下一阶段了吗?
Because we’re ready to team up with you.
我们准备好和你一起了
And we’ve got some great programs available.
我们已经制定了一些很棒的计划
The first step would be get on a call with one of our coaches
第一步 你可以给我们的教练打电话
DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
通过DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall
Let’s get you on a call and figure out what’s the best fit for you
与我们通话 让我们寻找最适合你
and for your family as you move forward.
和你家人进行下一步的方案

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青少年改善与父母之间关系的几个技巧

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翻译译者

Icyyyy🌸

审核员

审核员XY

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29tjHdEAyPM

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