爱最重要的愿望之一
One of the key desires of love
是希望帮助另一个人
is the wish to help another person
但意愿并不总能自动转化为
but an intention doesn’t always or automatically translate
真正随时提供帮助的能力
into a ready capacity for true assistance
想象一个五岁的孩子
Picture a five-year-old
跌跌撞撞地走进父母的卧室
who’s stumbled into his parents bedroom
惊讶地发现他的母亲在哭泣
and surprised his mother crying
母亲平日里十分坚强 并且能够随时给予他帮助
She’s normally so strong and ready with help for him
如今他渴望去做点什么来止住母亲的泪水 但他却不知所措
Now he longs to do something to staunch the tears but he’s at sea
哭泣或许是因为房贷
The sobs might be about the mortgage,
或许是因为工作上的不稳定
a turbulent time at work, or
又或是因为与爱人的争执
an argument with her partner
但所有这一切 一个孩子都难以理会
But all these aren’t for a child to grasp
他贴心地提议给母亲倒一杯水
He sweetly suggest a glass of water
并突然说 要跑到楼下拿布兔子来安慰她
and pipes up that he might run downstairs to get knitted rabbit.
帮助的冲动在逻辑上
The impulse to help floats logically free
不受任何实际能力的限制
of any actual ability to do so.
两个人渴望相互扶持 彼此宽容以待
Two people can long to be supportive and generous towards one another
但又缺乏表达他们好意的技巧
and yet lack all the skills to deliver on their good intentions
因而最终孤郁寡欢 愤愤不平 无人疼爱
and therefore end up feeling isolated, resentful, and unloved
我们给自己制造了麻烦 因为我们反应太慢 没有认识到这奇怪又不常提及的现象：
We cause ourselves trouble because we’re too slow to recognize an odd, largely unmentioned phenomenon:
那就是我们对帮助的理解千差万别 各不相同
how varied and particular our notions of help can be
我们把自己喜欢被抚慰的方式当作抚慰别人的自然起点
We take our own preferred style of being soothed as the natural starting point for how to soothe others
但当我们做错时
but when we’re wrong and
我们伴侣原本的痛苦 会因为他们受到忽视或侮辱而加剧
our partner’s original distress is compounded by their sense of having been ignored or insulted,
我们觉得他们不懂感恩 冷酷无情 并且发誓永远不再尝试善待他们
we take them to be ungrateful and cruel and vow never to attempt to be kind again.
因此 一份重要的任务就是懂得我们与伴侣之间表达爱的特有方式
An urgent task is therefore to try to understand the particular way
in which we and our partner need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real.
in which we and our partner need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real.
in which we and our partner need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real.
in which we and our partner need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real.
以便能够感受到爱的真实性
in which we and our partner need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real.
我们也许是那种在悲伤或困难时需要第一时间说出来的人
We might be types who, when we’re sad or in difficulties, need first and foremost to speak
我们说的话可能语无伦次
What we say may not be entirely sequential
我们可能把一件事重复好几遍 又忘记给我们的故事一个完整的结尾
We might go back over things a few times and omit to cap our stories with neat endings
但那也许不重要 因为在我们经受痛苦时 我们从伴侣那里最想得到的是
But that might not matter because what we want above all from a partner when we’re suffering
和我们坐在一起 详尽地倾听
is that they sit with us, at length, and listen
我们希望他们用眼神表达对我们的理解而不是用嘴表达
We want them to signal their engagement with their eyes but not with their mouths,
我们希望他们注意到我们的愤怒 感受到我们的失望
to register our anger, to observe our disappointment,
并且在最恰当的时候说一句“继续”或者 ”嗯”一小声以示支持
and at most opportune moments to prompt us with a ‘Go on…’ or a small supportive sound
但是我们绝不想要答案 解决方法或者分析
Yet what we absolutely don’t want: answers, solutions or analyses,
不想要他们花钱 为我们制定计划 或在我们沉默时 急于表达
for them to open their wallets, to give us a plan, or to rush to fill in our silences
我们希望他们能够坐下来倾听 因为我们真正需要帮助的
We want them to sit listening because the real problem we need assistance with
并不是那些我们提到的具体问题
isn’t so much the specific issue we are mentioning
（比如 停车罚单 姻亲关系 延误交付）
(the parking ticket, the in-laws, the delayed delivery)
而是一种强烈的感受：我们遇到的大部分人
It’s the overarching sense that most people we encounter
都不愿花时间为我们设身处地的思考问题
can’t really be bothered to take the time to imagine themselves correctly into our lives
也许这是有历史渊源的：
Perhaps there was a history to this:
我们的父母可能一直很实际 很忙碌 也很成功
our parents might have been practically minded, busy and successful
但他们寻找的方式有些冷漠无情 心不在焉
but somehow rather callous and distracted
总是立即用他们的逻辑迅速地摆脱我们的难题
in the way they sought always and immediately to push our difficulties out of the way with logic
但我们现在感受到 一个即刻的“解决方案”不过是不听问题的借口罢了
Now we feel how an immediate ‘solution’ can be an excuse for not listening to the problem
这就是仅仅被倾听 就感觉是爱的典范的原因
That’s why just being heard feels like the quintessence of love
我们几乎都可以刻意地花些时间
We might almost deliberately take our time,
回到那些没有伴侣的时光
go back over points without partner
回到我们的伴侣曾以为已经结束的时光
go back over points our partner had thought were finished
然后再次探索我们故事的小小细节不是为了误导
and re-explore a jagged bit of our story, not to mislead,
而是因为 这样反复的回忆
but because such rehearsals create the backdrop
为我们渴求及信任的唯一帮助方式创造了背景：
for the only style of help we crave and trust:
这是一种乐于倾听的无声关心
receptive, quiet attention
但另一方面
Then again, at another end of the spectrum,
爱可能难以被真实地感受到
love might not feel real
除非它伴随着一些准确而具体的解决方法
unless it’s accompanied by precise and concrete solutions
不明确的同情毫无价值
Vague sympathy is worthless
我们或许想听到下一步该做什么
We might want to hear a flow of ideas as to what we should do next,
想知道需要实施什么样的策略
what sort of strategy we should deploy,
我们可以求助谁 以及我们如何得到答案
whom we might call, and how we can get answers
某些人说他们能体会我们的痛苦 这很好
It’s all very well for someone to say they feel our pain;
我们倾向于有一份计划
we would prefer a plan
爱是一份你的伴侣手写的重要事项清单
Love is a sheet of paper with a list of bullet points in your partner’s handwriting
此外
In addition,
我们也许不会反对伴侣花钱来解决我们的问题
we might not be averse to evidence that our partner has spent some money on our problems,
时间不是我们敬重的货币
time isn’t a currency we respect
我们可能希望他们支付给一个会计或者一位律师
We might want them to pay for an accountant or a lawyer
或者在昂贵的餐厅请一顿晚餐
or offer an evening in an expensive restaurant
在经历过一个经济脆弱的童年后 我们或许只有得到财政开支的凭证 才能真正感觉受到帮助
After an economically fragile childhood, to feel really helped, we might long for evidence of financial outlay;
我们无法从一些人的话中得到慰藉
we can’t be reassured just by what someone says
我们对话语本身已存有怀疑与不信任
We’ve built up a residual suspicion and distrust around lone verbal offerings
我们还记得九岁时跌倒住院时
We remember how nice it was
长辈出乎意料地送给我们
when an elderly relative unexpectedly gave us
一件精心挑选的礼物 是多么的开心
a very well-chosen present when we were nine and in hospital after a bad fall
他们从不会对我们说很多
They never said very much to us
（或许是他们羞于表达）
(perhaps they were rather shy)
但这一举动却真实地触动了我们
but this gesture truly touched us
我们感受到了真正的善意——就好像
We felt sure of their kindness – as if for the first time
我们第一次明白了那份礼物的价值
when we learnt just how much the present had cost
与此不同的是 当我们袒露自己的苦恼时
Differently again, when we divulge our agonies,
我们最想听到的 也许只是一句“一切都会好起来的”
our priority may just be to hear that everything will eventually be okay
我们不介意稍稍有一点夸张
We don’t mind a little bit of exaggeration
绝望能轻而易举地击垮我们放弃的理由总是显而易见
Despair strikes us as cheap, reasons to give up are always obvious
对我们来说 爱是一种希望
For us, love is a species of hope
不然 “希望”可能引燃我们的怒火
Or, alternatively, it’s hope that may be enraging
只有绕道而行 避开可能的灾难 我们才能平息这种愤怒
What calms us down is a quiet walk around the prospect of catastrophe
我们不想独自承受恐惧
We don’t want to be alone in our fears
我们渴望能有人用冷峻沉着的目光探索最冷酷的结果：
We long for someone to explore the grimmest possibilities with bleak sangfroid:
或是坐牢 破产 上头版头条 死亡……
to mention prison, insolvency, front page headlines and the grave….
只有当我们的伴侣做好准备与我们最令人望而生畏的分析相吻合时
Only when our partner is ready to match our most forbidding analyses
我们才敢确信 自己没落入一个无情伤感者的手中
can we be reassured we’re not in the hands of a callous sentimentalist,
而是一个足够坦诚 真实看到这些危险并能与我们一起为此深深担忧的人
rather someone honest enough to see the dangers and to worry about them as much as we do
并且在我们服刑时 或许仍愿意在精神上支持我们的人
and perhaps stick with us while we serve out the prison sentence
一个拥抱 在一些人听来像是对坏消息的机智回应
A cuddle can sound to some like a witty response to bad news,
但对于我们 这可能是真挚的爱最可靠的证据
but for us it can be the most reliable evidence of heartfelt love
要帮助我们的思想首先需要有人来安慰我们的身体
To help our minds, we need someone first to reassure our bodies,
在因痛苦而闭上我们的双眼 在他们结实的拥抱面前任凭摆布时 能够静静的紧紧抱住我们
to hold us tightly and quietly while we close our eyes in pain and surrender to their firm embrace
成年人的帮助 在别人看来 可能与有洞察力有关
Help in adulthood may for others be associated with the gift of insight,
但对于我们 触动是一种安慰
but for us, it is touch that soothes
我们正在拾起童年的回忆
We’re picking up on memories of early childhood
明智的父母十分清楚一个苦恼的孩子不需要教训或教育课
Wise parents know that a distressed child doesn’t need a lesson or a lecture;
他们需要的是躺在床上 被紧紧抱住 他们的头被一个成人的大手温柔抚摸
they should be laid down on the bed, held, and their head stroked by a giant, soft adult hand
不幸的是 我们会轻易被错误的传递爱的方式激怒
The misfortune lies in how easily we can irritate with the wrong offer of love
随之 一旦我们对爱的努力没有被认可 我们就会迅速感觉被冒犯
and in turn, how quickly we can be offended when our efforts at loving go unappreciated
认识到帮助别人的方式各式各样至少使我们对误会的严重风险有所警觉
Recognizing that there are different styles of help, at least alerts us to the severe risks of misunderstanding
我们不应因爱人的笨拙 以及他们有时甚至非常错误的努力变得恼怒
Instead of getting annoyed at our lover’s inept and sometimes wildly misdirected efforts,
我们应该能意识到 —- 也许是第一次意识到
we can grasp – perhaps for the first time
这些笨拙的同伴实际上都是出于善意
– the basic truth that these blundering companions are in fact attempting to be nice
同样 我们的伴侣想要的被帮助的方式 有最清楚的线索 就是他们对我们的帮助
In turn, the clearest clue of the kind of help our partner wants is the help they offer us
爱不能只停留于意愿
It seems love can’t remain at the level of intentions alone:
它还需要持之以恒的努力 才能把我们的意愿
it must involve constant strenuous efforts to translate our wishes
转变成 与另一个人的心理与经历真正相符的干预
into interventions truly aligned with the psychology and history of another human being