There’s times when it feels like all
the charisma in the world just won’t
stop one person from ruining your day. Now,
maybe this person is a complainer,
maybe they are a whiner,
or maybe there’s someone who is verbally
abusive to you but whatever it is,
they have this toxic pattern
of behavior and it’s really starting to bring you down.
And that’s why in this video,
I want to talk about how to handle
difficult toxic people in a way that is charismatic but
before we get into the steps
and there’s four of those,
I have to talk about a mindset that not a lot of people like
because I get asked this question all the time —
“There’s a person in my workplace. What do we doabout them?
There’s someone in my friend group”
or maybe “I even have this family member…”
The answer nine out of ten times is
that you need to separate from that person
because what’s keeping you close to them
is not something that ought to;
sometimes it’s a sense of guilt
“We’ve been friends for a long time.
It would be wrong and disloyal of me to separate even
though they’re abusive towards me verbally.”
Or maybe it’s a sense of,
” I need everyone to like me and the fact that this one person
is having an issue, that doesn’t sit well
with me so I need to work it out.”
Sometimes you work with them and you feel like,
“This is the best job I could possibly get,”
and I will tell you
when I’ve talked to people and they have left,
no one has ever regretted it;
you would be shocked how much you can be dragged down
by a negative person in the workplace.
So before we get into the steps to change this,
just know in the back of your head that
there may come a time when you do
need to walk and sometimes it can even be
with family but I’ll talk about that;
for now, the four steps.
The first thing and probably the most important one is that
you need to approach this person
in a way that is completely different
from how you’ve ever approached them because chances are,
you’ve tried to change this behavior in the past.
They come home from work, maybe it’s your roommate,
and they just unload.
They start complaining about their day,
the sports team, the weather or whatever
and you always try to kind of cheer them up.
The time to actually change
that behavior is not right when they’re complaining
because if it was, it would have worked by now.
在这种情况下 你可能要等他们 让他们把话说完
In this case, you might want to wait, let them unload,
and then a few hours later say, “Hey,
I’ve been kind of worried about you.
Do you have a minute to talk?”
That’s gonna put them to
“Whoa, what’s going on here?”
and it’s gonna open them up, break their pattern,
and now you guys have a chance to speak.
If you guys just get into it
you guys start shouting and yelling
in the middle of an argument,
you might find that just getting really quiet and saying,
“I really care about you and it’s upsetting that we fight like this,”
that can shift the entire tone and where
you’ve been trying to get your point across,
all of a sudden,
they’re cracked wide open because it’s a shift in pattern.
So whatever it is, shift the time,
shift the place, and shift the way that you approach
the situation; this is the most important step
for getting that person receptive to changing any kind of bad pattern.
I will tell you,
one of the things that most often is a break and really opens people up
is this phrase —” I just wanted to let you know,
I care a lot about our relationship and
it’s not where I’d like it to
be and I’d like to make it better
so can we talk about it?”
That’s not something that a lot of people do.
They don’t do it with their friends,
their family, and coworkers and oftentimes,
aside from just breaking their state,
it makes them not feel attacked
because when you come and you say,
“You’ve got to stop complaining,”
that person locks down and now you’re attacking their behavior
and they feel like you’re attacking who they are.
But when you come in and say,
“I care about a relationship,”
now you’re moving towards a solution together.
So that’s the first thing — open them up.
But before you do this,
you have to come in with a specific ask.
You need to know concretely what behavior you want to stop
and what behavior you want to see instead.
What a lot of people do here is they come in and they say,
“I just don’t want you to complain all the time”
or”I just wish you weren’t such a jerk,”
and this just creates an argument almost every single time
because now you’re talking about,”
I don’t complain allthe time”
or”who’s a jerk? Me?
I’m not a jerk. You’re a jerk.”
Instead, get concrete about the behavior that you want to see.
例如 今天 当我们在挑选影片的时候
For instance, today, when we were picking out the movie,
you were focused on how my movie was a dumb idea and instead,
rather than just,
“Hearing how my idea wasn’t the best one, I would appreciateif you would talk about something instead that we both might like,”
or if it’s someone that
constantly is being verbally abusive you could say,
“ Look, you called me a loser on this occasion
and this occasion and I want to ask you, please,
don’t ever call me a loser again.” Now,
when you’ve already set this situation up
by coming in a way that breaks
their pattern, this concrete ask is one
that almost always hits and it even better
when you say,”I also want to open the floor here.
If there’s something that I’m doing concretely
that you can tell me that’s making this hard
for us to have a really good relationship,
let me know because I want this to be good.
I’m not just telling you
that you’re the jerk;
I just want us both to be happier in our interactions with each other.”
That sort of reciprocity goes a long, long way.
So you’ve done this, you guys are conversing,
you’re probably having the first
good conversation you’ve had in a long time…
one thing that you’re going to want to do
to make this go forward and not just
be a one-time thing that immediately slips back
is ask their permission to gently remind them.
And what this means is
that there’s gon na be times when you guys are out where
this person just has a habit
of being critical and say negative things
and you’re out in public and they start saying,
“哦 是的 我的朋友真是个失败者 不是吗？”
“Oh, yeah. My buddy is such a loser, right?”
and they might just get caught up in this,
what you want to have done and said
in this conversation is,
” If it does come up again where you call me a loser,
is it okay with you if I just give you a little tap and say, ‘Hey,
because I don’t want that to happen.”
So you say this previously,
now you’re in the situation they start to go into it,
and you give him that tap and you go,”Hey, man. Remember what we talked about?”
and they can shut it down right there.
They don’t have to feel embarrassed and not
everybody around needs to know about it,
they’re not getting called out
in an aggressive way and they’ve given you
permission — this is so, so huge —
to give them that gentle nudge.
So all that push back
that they might have felt is quelled a little bit.
They’re gon na be much more open
to actually adjusting their behavior in real time.
Keep this up and do this with all
of the behaviors that aren’t working.
If you need to you might have to
do it a couple times with someone who is especially
difficult or toxic and this can go a long, long way. Now,
I want to talk about the cases that are really,
really hard —
the edge cases — and oftentimes,
this is family because quite frankly,
a lot of people come to me with financial ties — my boss,
my co-workers, my this or that
and I’ve said this but I just want to reiterate,
I have never spoken to someone
who was at a job,
they were in a toxic work environment, they got out of it,
they were nervous and they regretted it.
Maybe it took him a minute to get back
on their feet financially but they always did
better off and I think back to my
own childhood where my dad had a boss
that was a great jerk for years and I saw it
play out in him and I know,
even that he was the breadwinner in our household,
I would have preferred — and it did eventually happen
if you work presents during Christmas —
I would have preferred we didn’t have to
to move to a smaller house so that my
dad didn’t have to take that.
So if you think that you’re doing the right thing
for your family or for yourself
by just enduring abuse, trust me, it
comes out in other ways and it makes you irritable;
it’s not worth it.
So break that scenario, get out
you will appreciate it,
and I think the people around you
will appreciate it too but going back to family,
sometimes there’s patterns that are just
stuck and this can occur sometimes
when you have substance abuse in a family
and I’ve gotten these questions and they’re so hard.
Somebody’s dad or somebody’s brother is just destroying their life
and they love this person but they don’t know what to do.
And they’ve done this thing and it’s just not clicking.
What can you do in this scenario? Well,
the best thing that you can do is recognize that oftentimes,
you are not the person who is equipped to help them.
So you want to take this entire step
which is going to be to find a time,
break their pattern, come up with an ask,
ask them to be gently reminded but
the ask is going to shift to change this behavior,
“Don’t drink so much or don’t do drugs”
to”come to therapy with me”
or”attend Alcoholics Anonymous just for a month to check it out.
Go to Landmark Forum…” whatever it is,
you’re going to and want to enlist the aid
of a professional third party because
when it is something as serious
as substance abuse or it’s a long-standing family
dynamic of abuse,
it’s often not enough to just ask for surface-level behavior changes.
You guys need ongoing support;
you need a third party to get in there.
If it doesn’t work,
and this can sometimes be the case,
you do have a difficult decision
and that’s whether to accept this person
as they are — there might be negativity,
there might be verbal abuse, there could be something even worse
like physical abuse — and you can accept that;
I don’t recommend it.
Or you can separate and that is so hard.
I don’t envy anyone who
has to make this decision but I do hope
to just impart one bit of courage on to you
if you find yourself in this situation that
separating from them
in that moment doesn’t mean that you’re separating forever
and in fact, you’re not necessarily doing them kindness by staying
and allowing such a miserable situation to perpetuate itself. Sometimes,
separating can signal
that you are serious that what you want with them
is an excellent positive relationship and
that you’re not going to settle
while they destroy their life around you;
it doesn’t always create the change but tacitly
approving of what they’re doing and allowing
it to continue isn’t always the best way
and I know that this is a complicated situation,
I don’t mean to insinuate
that anyone is doing it wrong,
it is so heavy and so complicated but I just wanted to lend
that little bit of support if you do find yourself
in a situation where you feel like
you might need to untangle yourself from someone who is very,
very close to you.
So for 98 % of the scenarios,
the first steps that we ran through are going to really help.
You’re going to get yourself out of that,
you’re going to work with the person,
they’re going to change the behavior and I hope
that you actually put this into practice.
So that is it for this video;
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That’s it catch you in the next one. Peace.