未登录,请登录后再发表信息
最新评论 (0)
播放视频

如何应对态度消极的人

How To Handle Toxic People

总有些时候你会感觉
There’s times when it feels like all
世界上所有的魔力都不能
the charisma in the world just won’t
阻止一个人毁掉你的一天
stop one person from ruining your day. Now,
也许这个人是个抱怨者
maybe this person is a complainer,
或者是哀怨者
maybe they are a whiner,
或者是某个有语言暴力的人
or maybe there’s someone who is verbally
但是无论怎样
abusive to you but whatever it is,
他们都拥有负能量的行为模式
they have this toxic pattern
这才是真正拖垮你的开始
of behavior and it’s really starting to bring you down.
这也是为什么
And that’s why in this video,
我想在这个视频中谈谈
I want to talk about how to handle
怎样用神奇的方法来应对难缠有毒的人
difficult toxic people in a way that is charismatic but
但是在我们开始之前
before we get into the steps
这里有四种人
and there’s four of those,
我必须要提及下大部分人没有的心态
I have to talk about a mindset that not a lot of people like
因为我总是被这样问到
because I get asked this question all the time —
“我公司里面有这样的人
“There’s a person in my workplace. What do we doabout them?
我朋友圈里有这样的人 我该怎么办?”
There’s someone in my friend group”
或者是“我有这样一个亲人”
or maybe “I even have this family member…”
回答里面十有九次是
The answer nine out of ten times is
你需要远离这个人
that you need to separate from that person
因为你和他们走的近 对他们好
because what’s keeping you close to them
并不是理所应当的
is not something that ought to;
有时候是因为内疚感
sometimes it’s a sense of guilt
“我们做了很长时间的朋友了
“We’ve been friends for a long time.
我远离他会是错误的 不忠诚的行为
It would be wrong and disloyal of me to separate even
即使他们对我有口头上的虐待”
though they’re abusive towards me verbally.”
或许是这样一种感觉
Or maybe it’s a sense of,
“我想大家都喜欢我 但是那个人不理睬我
” I need everyone to like me and the fact that this one person
这对我来说不好
is having an issue, that doesn’t sit well
所以我需要去解决它”
with me so I need to work it out.”
有时候你和他们一起工作 你感觉像是
Sometimes you work with them and you feel like,
“这可能是我得到的最好的工作了”
“This is the best job I could possibly get,”
我要告诉你
and I will tell you
我和别人交谈 他们走后
when I’ve talked to people and they have left,
从来没有人会后悔
no one has ever regretted it;
你将会惊讶于你工作场合的那个人
you would be shocked how much you can be dragged down
会影响到你多少
by a negative person in the workplace.
因此在我们开始改变前
So before we get into the steps to change this,
要知道在你的内心深处
just know in the back of your head that
也许会有一个时刻你会想要一个人走走
there may come a time when you do
有时候也可能是和家人一起
need to walk and sometimes it can even be
但是我现在将要谈到
with family but I’ll talk about that;
四个步骤
for now, the four steps.
第一件也可能是最重要的一件事是
The first thing and probably the most important one is that
需要用一种完全不同于以前
you need to approach this person
的相处方式和这种人相处
in a way that is completely different
因为机会就是
from how you’ve ever approached them because chances are,
你尝试过改变这种行为
you’ve tried to change this behavior in the past.
你的室友下班回家
They come home from work, maybe it’s your roommate,
他们卸掉负担
and they just unload.
开始向你抱怨他们的一天
They start complaining about their day,
运动会 天气或者是其他的
the sports team, the weather or whatever
你总是想要去让他们振奋
and you always try to kind of cheer them up.
改变的最佳时刻
The time to actually change
不是当他们正在抱怨的时候
that behavior is not right when they’re complaining
因为如果这样可以的话 它早就奏效了
because if it was, it would have worked by now.
在这种情况下 你可能要等他们 让他们把话说完
In this case, you might want to wait, let them unload,
几个小时后说
and then a few hours later say, “Hey,
“我很担心你
I’ve been kind of worried about you.
我们可以谈一谈吗?”
Do you have a minute to talk?”
这可能会让他们觉得
That’s gonna put them to
“哇 怎么了?”
“Whoa, what’s going on here?”
这可能会让他们打开心扉
and it’s gonna open them up, break their pattern,
去除他们的负能量 现在该你说话了
and now you guys have a chance to speak.
如果你这样
If you guys just get into it
在争执时你们开始大吼大叫
you guys start shouting and yelling
争吵到一半的时候
in the middle of an argument,
你安静下来 温和的说
you might find that just getting really quiet and saying,
“我非常担心你 我们这样争吵真让人难过”
“I really care about you and it’s upsetting that we fight like this,”
这可以让整个事件倒转
that can shift the entire tone and where
你尝试要给出观点
you’ve been trying to get your point across,
突然
all of a sudden,
争吵停止了 因为这是一种反转
they’re cracked wide open because it’s a shift in pattern.
无论如何 调整时间
So whatever it is, shift the time,
选好地点 换个方式来解决这种情况
shift the place, and shift the way that you approach
这是最重要的步骤
the situation; this is the most important step
让他接受改变所有负面的行为模式
for getting that person receptive to changing any kind of bad pattern.
我还要告诉你
I will tell you,
通常能真的让他打开心扉的方式是这句话
one of the things that most often is a break and really opens people up
“我只是想让你知道
is this phrase —” I just wanted to let you know,
我非常在意我们的友谊
I care a lot about our relationship and
这不是我想要的
it’s not where I’d like it to
我想要让它变得更好
be and I’d like to make it better
所以我们可以谈谈吗?”
so can we talk about it?”
大部分人都不会这样做
That’s not something that a lot of people do.
他们不会这样和朋友
They don’t do it with their friends,
家庭 同事这样做
their family, and coworkers and oftentimes,
通常 除了让他们的地位掉价
aside from just breaking their state,
这让他们感觉被冒犯了
it makes them not feel attacked
因为当你说
because when you come and you say,
“你必须要停止抱怨”
“You’ve got to stop complaining,”
那个人闭嘴了 现在是你在评价他们的行为
that person locks down and now you’re attacking their behavior
他们觉得你在挑衅他们
and they feel like you’re attacking who they are.
但是当你这样说
But when you come in and say,
“我在乎这份友谊”
“I care about a relationship,”
现在你正在解决问题
now you’re moving towards a solution together.
所以第一件事就是-打开他们的心扉
So that’s the first thing — open them up.
但是在这之前
But before you do this,
你必须要用具体的想法
you have to come in with a specific ask.
你要清楚的知道你想要
You need to know concretely what behavior you want to stop
分别制止并转换成哪种行为
and what behavior you want to see instead.
大多数人做的是 走进来然后说
What a lot of people do here is they come in and they say,
“我不想你总是在抱怨”
“I just don’t want you to complain all the time”
或“我真希望你不要这么蠢”
or”I just wish you weren’t such a jerk,”
几乎每次这样都会引发争论
and this just creates an argument almost every single time
因为你在说
because now you’re talking about,”
“我没有一直抱怨”
I don’t complain allthe time”
或“谁是傻子?我?
or”who’s a jerk? Me?
我不是 你才是”
I’m not a jerk. You’re a jerk.”
而是 清楚地知道你想要看见哪种行为
Instead, get concrete about the behavior that you want to see.
例如 今天 当我们在挑选影片的时候
For instance, today, when we were picking out the movie,
你专注于我选的电影是有个多么糟糕的主意
you were focused on how my movie was a dumb idea and instead,
不仅如此
rather than just,
“听见你说我的主意不是最好的,如果你能谈论一些我们都喜欢的电影 我会非常感激”
“Hearing how my idea wasn’t the best one, I would appreciateif you would talk about something instead that we both might like,”
或者如果有某个人
or if it’s someone that
持续地对你进行语言暴力你可以说
constantly is being verbally abusive you could say,
“瞧 你刚刚说我是失败者
“ Look, you called me a loser on this occasion
那么我想要告诉你
and this occasion and I want to ask you, please,
请不要再这样说我了”
don’t ever call me a loser again.” Now,
当你用这种打破他们的负能量
when you’ve already set this situation up
的方式来解决问题的话
by coming in a way that breaks
这个具体的请求
their pattern, this concrete ask is one
就几乎是重击 当你说
that almost always hits and it even better
“我想打开天窗说亮话
when you say,”I also want to open the floor here.
如果我在做的什么事情不对
If there’s something that I’m doing concretely
你可以告诉我这样做对我们来说
that you can tell me that’s making this hard
是很难拥有好的友谊的
for us to have a really good relationship,
请让我知道 因为我想要关系变好
let me know because I want this to be good.
我不是在说
I’m not just telling you
你是个傻瓜
that you’re the jerk;
我只是想让我们在互动中都更开心”
I just want us both to be happier in our interactions with each other.”
这种相互作用需要经历一个很长的时间
That sort of reciprocity goes a long, long way.
所以做到这一步 你们的情况就要有所转变了
So you’ve done this, you guys are conversing,
你们也许会有长期以来
you’re probably having the first
第一次愉快的交谈
good conversation you’ve had in a long time…
你要做的一件事就是
one thing that you’re going to want to do
让这种情况继续下去
to make this go forward and not just
而不只是暂时的一次
be a one-time thing that immediately slips back
征求他们的意见来温和地提醒他们
is ask their permission to gently remind them.
这意味着
And what this means is
也许你们经常一起出去
that there’s gon na be times when you guys are out where
而这个人喜欢讽刺其他人
this person just has a habit
说一些消极的事情
of being critical and say negative things
你在公共场合时 他们开始说
and you’re out in public and they start saying,
“哦 是的 我的朋友真是个失败者 不是吗?”
“Oh, yeah. My buddy is such a loser, right?”
他们可能只关注这一点
and they might just get caught up in this,
关于你想要完成什么
what you want to have done and said
并会进行这样的对话
in this conversation is,
“如果下次你再说我是个失败者
” If it does come up again where you call me a loser,
那我可以拍你一下并这样说吗
is it okay with you if I just give you a little tap and say, ‘Hey,
“嘿
man.
还记得吗?”
Remember?’
因为我不想发生这样的事
because I don’t want that to happen.”
所以你要提前说
So you say this previously,
现在他们已经开始改变了
now you’re in the situation they start to go into it,
你给他们一击然后说“嘿 记得我们说过什么吗?”
and you give him that tap and you go,”Hey, man. Remember what we talked about?”
然后他们就会马上停止
and they can shut it down right there.
他们不需要感到尴尬
They don’t have to feel embarrassed and not
在场的所有人也不需要知道
everybody around needs to know about it,
他们不会用挑衅的方式说话
they’re not getting called out
他们也给了你批准
in an aggressive way and they’ve given you
这是非常巨大的
permission — this is so, so huge —
给他们一个温柔的提醒
to give them that gentle nudge.
所以把事情后推
So all that push back
他们可能感觉减轻了很多
that they might have felt is quelled a little bit.
他们会变得更可能
They’re gon na be much more open
真正的调整他们的行为
to actually adjusting their behavior in real time.
持续这样
Keep this up and do this with all
开始这些工作可能没什么用
of the behaviors that aren’t working.
你可能需要多做几次
If you need to you might have to
如果他是非常顽固
do it a couple times with someone who is especially
或者是中毒太深 这种方法可以持续使用
difficult or toxic and this can go a long, long way. Now,
我想要谈谈一个
I want to talk about the cases that are really,
非常艰难的案例
really hard —
极端例子
the edge cases — and oftentimes,
通常是家庭 因为坦诚说
this is family because quite frankly,
大部分人都和我拥有财政关系
a lot of people come to me with financial ties — my boss,
我的上司 同事我的这个那个
my co-workers, my this or that
我已经说过了 但我想再重申一下
and I’ve said this but I just want to reiterate,
我从没有和正在
I have never spoken to someone
工作的人说话
who was at a job,
他们在一个负能量的工作环境 他们辞职后
they were in a toxic work environment, they got out of it,
非常紧张 而且悔恨自己
they were nervous and they regretted it.
也许他要花一些时间在经济上站稳脚跟
Maybe it took him a minute to get back
但他们总是过得很好
on their feet financially but they always did
我回想起我的童年
better off and I think back to my
我爸的老板很垃圾
own childhood where my dad had a boss
而且他还为这个混蛋工作了好几年
that was a great jerk for years and I saw it
我看到它在我爸爸身上发挥作用
play out in him and I know,
我知道在家里他是顶梁柱
even that he was the breadwinner in our household,
我更希望 这的确也发生了
I would have preferred — and it did eventually happen
如果你在圣诞节期间还在工作
if you work presents during Christmas —
我更希望我们没有搬去
I would have preferred we didn’t have to
一个更小的房子
to move to a smaller house so that my
这样 我的爸爸就不用在圣诞节还要工作了
dad didn’t have to take that.
所以如果你认为你在做正确的事情
So if you think that you’re doing the right thing
为你的家人或者朋友
for your family or for yourself
就不要只是使用持续的虐待 相信我
by just enduring abuse, trust me, it
最终它会以不同的方式让你烦躁
comes out in other ways and it makes you irritable;
这不值得
it’s not worth it.
所以打破情节 开始改变
So break that scenario, get out
你将会感激它
you will appreciate it,
我认为你身边的人
and I think the people around you
也会感激不尽 但是回到家庭
will appreciate it too but going back to family,
有时有些模式只是卡住了
sometimes there’s patterns that are just
当你在家庭里用语言暴力时
stuck and this can occur sometimes
它有时候会发生
when you have substance abuse in a family
我已经知道了这些艰难的问题
and I’ve gotten these questions and they’re so hard.
一些人的父亲或兄弟正在摧毁他们的生活
Somebody’s dad or somebody’s brother is just destroying their life
他们喜欢这个人 但是不知道该做什么
and they love this person but they don’t know what to do.
他们这样做了但是并没有奏效
And they’ve done this thing and it’s just not clicking.
在这种情况下你要怎么做?
What can you do in this scenario? Well,
好吧
really,
你最好做一件事情就是认识到
the best thing that you can do is recognize that oftentimes,
有时候 你不用总是去帮助他们
you are not the person who is equipped to help them.
因此你要用全部的步骤
So you want to take this entire step
这可能需要一点时间
which is going to be to find a time,
来打破他们的模式 提出一个请求
break their pattern, come up with an ask,
让他们能被温柔的提醒
ask them to be gently reminded but
但是这个请求要能够转变成改变这种行为
the ask is going to shift to change this behavior,
从“不要喝那么多酒不要吸毒”
“Don’t drink so much or don’t do drugs”
变成“和我一起来治疗”
to”come to therapy with me”
或“参加一个月的戒酒组织 来戒酒”
or”attend Alcoholics Anonymous just for a month to check it out.
用里程碑的形式“不管怎样
Go to Landmark Forum…” whatever it is,
你都要去做并征求
you’re going to and want to enlist the aid
专业的第三团体的帮助
of a professional third party because
因为当事情变得像实质虐待这么严重
when it is something as serious
或是长期存在的
as substance abuse or it’s a long-standing family
家庭暴力
dynamic of abuse,
这通常不是改变表面上的行为能解决的
it’s often not enough to just ask for surface-level behavior changes.
你们需要持续的支持
You guys need ongoing support;
需要第三方团体参与
you need a third party to get in there.
如果这不奏效
If it doesn’t work,
有时候就会变成麻烦
and this can sometimes be the case,
你确实需要做一个艰难的决定
you do have a difficult decision
即是否要接受这个人
and that’s whether to accept this person
这也许会是消极的
as they are — there might be negativity,
也许会有口头的虐待 也可能会有更糟糕的事情
there might be verbal abuse, there could be something even worse
例如身体虐待 你都要接受
like physical abuse — and you can accept that;
我并不推荐这样
I don’t recommend it.
或者你可以离开 虽然这很难
Or you can separate and that is so hard.
我不羡慕任何人做这样的决定
I don’t envy anyone who
但是我确实期望
has to make this decision but I do hope
能够给与你们一些勇气
to just impart one bit of courage on to you
如果你发现处在这种情况下
if you find yourself in this situation that
在这时远离他们并不意味着
separating from them
你会永远的离开他们
in that moment doesn’t mean that you’re separating forever
事实上 你没有必要待在并允许这种糟糕的情况维持下去
and in fact, you’re not necessarily doing them kindness by staying
来表示对对他们的好
and allowing such a miserable situation to perpetuate itself. Sometimes,
有时候 分离象征着你是严肃的
separating can signal
你想的是和他们拥有一份
that you are serious that what you want with them
优秀的积极的友谊里
is an excellent positive relationship and
当你在解决问题时
that you’re not going to settle
他们在你的附近毁坏他们的生活
while they destroy their life around you;
这并不总是会改变
it doesn’t always create the change but tacitly
但是沉默地允许他们这样做
approving of what they’re doing and allowing
并让它持续 并不总是最好的方式
it to continue isn’t always the best way
我知道这是一个很复杂的情况
and I know that this is a complicated situation,
我不是在暗示说
I don’t mean to insinuate
每个人都做错了
that anyone is doing it wrong,
这是繁琐复杂的 但是我只是想要提供
it is so heavy and so complicated but I just wanted to lend
一些支持 如果你发现和你
that little bit of support if you do find yourself
关心亲密的人
in a situation where you feel like
陷入了这样一种情况
you might need to untangle yourself from someone who is very,
你可能需要远离他
very close to you.
98%的情况下
So for 98 % of the scenarios,
我们的第一步骤都是非常有帮助的
the first steps that we ran through are going to really help.
你可以让自己解脱
You’re going to get yourself out of that,
可以一起工作
you’re going to work with the person,
他们也会改变他们的行为
they’re going to change the behavior and I hope
我希望你们可以付诸实践
that you actually put this into practice.
所以这就是整个视频
So that is it for this video;
如果你喜欢请务必要
if you’ve enjoyed it, make sure to subscribe
订阅这个频道
to the channel and
更多关于解决不同类型的情况的方法
for more tips on how to handle all kinds of different situations,
怎样变得自信 拥有很棒的第一印象
how to be more confident, make amazing first impressions,
当然
and of course, to watch
我们也有如何拥有良好的人格魅力的视频
our video breakdowns of charismatic celebrities.
若你喜欢 点击订阅
If you liked it, click Subscribe,
点击收藏 下周再见
click that bell I will see you next week
如果你想要咨询更多问题
in the video and if you want,
明早11点太平洋时刻 在脸书直播里
tomorrow on the livestream at 11 a.m. Pacific time
我将会回答你们的问题
on Facebook where I’ll be answering your questions.
这可以让你了解下一个视频 再见
That’s it catch you in the next one. Peace.

发表评论

译制信息
视频概述

负能量对你的影响有多大

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Stacey

审核员

审核员SX

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agEqp7_BCCA

相关推荐