We often think that getting respect
and being aggressive go hand in hand.
Because unfortunately, it’s often the bully that gets the most respect
in the schoolyard and even in the workplace.
But Jordan Peterson is an exemplar of a different way
to generate massive amounts of respect so in this video,
we’re going to explore three main things that he does
that force people to respect you without being a bully. …
but you can’t force me to respect you;
it’s just not possible. Okay,
maybe not forced.
But perhaps make people much more likely to
respect you so let’s dive into it.
The first thing that Dr. Peterson does is called”pacing your reality.”
So even when he doesn’t share your beliefs,
he shows that he can understand why you
might think the things that you do.
比如 乔丹有宗教信仰 但是听听他是如何谈论无神论的
For instance, Jordan is religious but listen to how he speaks about atheism.
There’s a good case to be made for atheism.
I mean let’s make no bones about it
because you could say in some sense, there’s been 300-400 years
of brilliant scientists who’ve been
doing nothing but laying the foundation for
an objective empirical atheism.
Jordan grants that the side that he does not agree
with has really strong points in his favor.
And this might sound counterproductive
if you’re trying to persuade someone but it actually makes people more open to changing their mind
because in any discussion, the absolute hardest thing to do
is to admit that you might be wrong and risk appearing dumb.
That’s why sometimes saying things like,”Hey, you raise a great point,”
或者 “我很理解你为什么这么认为” 是如此的重要
or”I totally see why you see things that way,” is so important if you find yourself in a heated argument.
It lets the other person not feel dumb
if they wind up changing their mind.
This is how Dr. Peterson can get people to open up to his views
without having to push them around.
You can contrast that with the standard political discussion
where two sides basically just yell their points of
view at one another like in this clip.
If you work hard, if you get educated,
if you’re an honest person — you can make it in America.
If you live in a neighborhood where people are poverty is endemic,
it’s harder to work hard, it’s harder to get an education— [Talks at the same time]
No one changes their mind from a discussion like this so
even though it might be tempting to quote-unquote win an argument
by making really incisive points that make the other person look dumb,
you have to recognize that it actually makes them less likely to change their behavior,
if you don’t also validate something about their position.
现在 有趣的是 乔丹在他日常的演讲中
Now, interestingly, Jordan peppers in many instances
of mini-pacings into his normal speech.
For instance he mentions what you might be thinking while he’s saying things.
To those who have everything, more will be given;
and from those who have nothing, everything will be taken.
It’s really a vicious statement but what it means is
as you go downhill, you go downhill faster and faster. …
for working with old people in old-aged homes,
the rule is — don’t do anything for
the residents that they can do themselves.
你心想 “哇哦 那太冷酷了”不 不是
You think,”Well, that’s pretty harsh.” No it isn’t.
You’re helping them retain their independence. …
then he stretches out and he’ll go fight again
so antidepressants work on lobsters
你心想“嗯 谁在乎呢？”这就像在说“不 不 不”
and you think,”Well, who cares?” It’s like,”No, no, no.”
Jordan will even raise a hypothetical question
that you might have and then answer it. …
and the idea is
that if you can do that you will transcend the tragedy
听起来好像 “哈 怎么可能真实发生” 嗯
and it’s like,”Well, could that be true?” Well,
most people admire tough competent people
so you know it’s at least a little bit true.
What’s especially fascinating is that once Dr.
Peterson has completely reversed her initial position,
he’s extra careful to not make you feel stupid about it.
The other person needs to be able to save face
so he mentions one more time that he’s not attacking.
I mean I get your point and I’m
not trying to denigrate it in any sense;
there’s a complex issue here.
That’s partially why so many people have
had their minds changed by Dr. Peterson.
He’s not trying to make them feel dumb;
he’s trying to help them, to educate them.
Contrast that with the quote-unquote”own” compilations on YouTube
where one person tries to make the opposing
side and the opposing argument seem as stupid as possible.
……他们反对墨西哥人 他们反对犹太人 黑人 少数民族——
…they’re against Mexicans, they’re against Jews, black people, minorities—
Where are all these Nazis?
我们来快速扫描一下 现在来看看 哦
let’s do a quick pan and now let’s see them. Oh…
There’s one… nope. Okay,
so there’s none here so where are they?
…which sometimes results in this —
It’s not the same.
你是对的 你是正确的 它确实不一样
You’re right. You’re 100% right. It’s not the same.
You don’t have to cry.
I know it’s hard. No,
Come here, honestly.
It can be tempting to laugh when your side gets one-up
on someone from the other side
but when you make people feel stupid,
nobody actually changes their mind
and while it might feel like you’re a winner,
you’re actually completely ineffective at changing behavior.
So if your goal is to make the world a better place,
be like Dr. Peterson;
do your best to understand people’s perspectives
and give them credit
for doing their best to figure things out even if you disagree.
On to the second point — Jordan is constantly telling stories
and sharing interesting tidbits to keep his listeners’ attention and he flows quickly
between a lot of different things.
These next clips are all just taken from a span of about three minutes.
…if you’re competent at fighting,
that actually decreases the probability
that you’re going to have to fight
because when someone pushes you,
you’ll be able to respond with confidence
and that’s partly why Jung believed that it was necessary
for people to integrate their shadow.
When you study Nazi-Germany
for example or you study the Soviet Union
特别是斯大林当政时期 问问自己 “嗯
particularly under Stalin and you’re asking yourself, “Well,
what are these perpetrators like?” — forget about the victims —
let’s talk about the perpetrators,
the answer is — they’re just like you.
It’s a matter
of facing the thing you least want to face
and there’s this old story
in King Arthur where the knights go off to look for the Holy Grail.
That’s five different topics all in the span of just a few minutes
and you’ll notice that they’re all of interest to the listener. First,
首先 你对武术感兴趣 然后
you have that interesting fact about martial arts and then
he takes it to a larger
historical context which everyone kind of understands
and then most importantly, he shows you how it applies to your life.
Two main points here — first is
that winding nature of his speech
which keeps people on their toes and interested. Now,
you may have experienced someone who does this poorly
talking about every random thing that comes
into their mind and completely losing your attention.
Peterson’s approach works
because he is constantly relating everything back to you — the listener. Now,
on making things relevant to you is also the reason
that he switches to the second person in so many of his stories. …
you don’t identify with either of those;
you know that they’re both necessary,
you know that you have to live with both of them,
but you identify with
the capacity to continually transcend what you are.
So far, these are pretty common charisma traits
and you might have seen these before in some of our other breakdowns.
But there is one that is at least on our channel
completely unique to Jordan and it’s kind of his calling
card — that is his use of archetypes.
The basic idea of an archetype is
that it’s an idea that resonates across
a wide swath of humanity despite differing conditions.
It’s kind of like a foundational human story
so it’s something that we intuitively understand, remember, and move towards.
Archetypes are often encapsulated
in fairy tales and some of the most popular
stories of our age which is why you
‘ll hear Petersen reference them all the time. …
that’s the witch
in Hansel and Gretel who fattens up the kids and eats them.
How many of you have seen Disney’s Sleeping Beauty?
It’s very difficult to understand Jung outside of a narrative context
and so I’m going to walk you through the Lion King today.
The woman encounters this mysterious and aggressive male and tames… …
that’s the female hero myth as far as I can tell;
it’s Beauty and the Beast.
The point of using archetypal stories aside
from being a fun way to reference
Disney movies is that they connect with people on a deep level.
They intuitively feel true and if you could relate a point
that you’re trying to make to an archetypal story,
you are going to be more persuasive.
That’s actually how Peterson is able to
take the unappealing advice of clean up your own room
and make it into a piece of advice that probably thousands
of people have applied.
Now for those of you unfamiliar
with his work, cleaning up your room
is meant literally but also to say
that you need to clean up your own mess
before you go telling other people all the things
that they need to fix for you.
It’s really not appealing advice
on the face of it which is why
so many of us ignored our mothers when they told us to do it.
But here is how Peterson leads into this advice.
You probably have all watched Pinocchio and Pinocchio is about how… …marionette;
someone who’s whose strings are being pulled by forces
beyond his comprehension but it’s the situation of the undeveloped individual.
…Geppetto who’s a benevolent father — so a benevolent symbol,
a symbol of benevolent culture,
makes a puppet his son and then wishes on a star.
Now a star is something that glitters up
in the sky and it’s and it’s associated with the transcend—
I can’t grab all
of this in one clip and that’s kind of the point.
If Peterson had just told people,”Focus on yourself. First,clean up your room before you tell other people how to live,” well,
he’d have been about as effective as a motivational poster.
But in couching this advice inside of an archetypal story,
he makes it truly connect and actually changes people’s lives.
That’s why I think the ability to
tell a good story is the most underrated charismatic trait.
If you can build the story in an archetypal structure,
that’s even better.
Now this is a big topic and one
that I spend probably over an hour on
在Charisma University的课程上 但是现在
in Charisma University course but for now,
I’m just going to link to a few storytelling
videos that we’ve done in the description
below if you want more on this.
I do want to touch on one more point though.
And that’s that Peterson can win respect
without being a bully because he encourages dialogue.
Now one of the first clips that put him
on the map and his most viewed to this date
was a heated argument and throughout this clip,
he calms students then when they start getting in shouting matches with one another.
Female voice:…because they’re not integrated into society.
Female voice: We are not looking for special treatment; we are looking
Female voice: to be able to integrate ourselves into society and if you refuse…
He also pays careful attention to the students who do engage him without screaming.
[Student softly speaking]
Add all this up and what you realize is that perhaps
the biggest thing you can learn from Dr. Peterson is that
if you want people to respect you and
you don’t want to do it in a domineering way,
you have to consider the other person, you consider their reality
and you pace it in your speech;
you consider their attention span
and you wrap your points in engaging stories;
and you consider that they may have something to teach you
so you speak with them rather than shout at them. Now,
we focused a lot on respect
in this video but that’s actually just one
out of four emotions that are going to
create an amazing first impression on anyone cross-culturally. Now,
if you’re curious with the other three emotions
that you want to create
in that person are to make an amazing first impression,
I made a video on that
that breaks down what those four
emotions are so that you can start using them
today to consistently make killer first impressions.
If you want to see those,
go ahead and click the link in the description,
填写你的邮箱 就能看到那个视频 并且
drop your email in the box and you will get access to that video. Also,
as we’ve grown it has
been harder and harder for me to respond
to all the YouTube comments
that we get but I do have a solution now
and that is that for the first hour
after I upload a new video, I
‘m going to be responding to your comments
so feel free to write in if you’re watching this or
if you want to catch me next time,
go ahead and click Subscribe and then click that notification bell
so that you get an announcement as soon
as the video goes up and you can write me in the comments.
That way, we can converse and dialogue! Whoo-hoo!
So anyways, I hope
that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.