Improvement Pill here. Welcome to the bee friend course.
So just a couple of months ago
I met up with an acquaintance of mine
that I had met online
and even though this was the first time
we ever spoke to each other in person,
we ended up talking about relationships.
He told me about his dating life
and his relationship with his fiancee,
and within just 10 minutes
he had already disclosed to me
how he was having second guesses
regarding his recent engagement
He was having doubts about getting married.
And he literally said to me,
“man, I haven’t told anyone this,
not my friends, not my co-workers,
definitely not my fiancee, not anyone.
I don’t know why, but I felt like I wanted to tell you.”
Stuff like this happens to me all of the time.
People tell me things that they
don’t usually share with others,
secrets, radical opinions,
past traumas, things like that.
And because I’m able to get people
to open up to me like this,
these relationships thrive
and we usually become good friends
for years down the line.
Today I’m gonna show you exactly
how you can get people to open up to you,
so that you can create deeper
and more fulfilling relationships in your own life.
And there’s really only two things you have to do.
First, you have to learn to reduce your filter.
If you think about it, the reason why we are scared
to say certain things or to act in certain ways
is because we are afraid of how others will react.
We’re scared of being made fun of,
of looking like a fool,
of being branded as an outcast.
So we tend to keep a lot of our thoughts,
ideas and feelings bottled up inside.
Instead of talking about things
that we really want to talk about,
we put on a filter and we spend
most of our time conversing in small talk.
We talk about things like the weather,
our classes, last night’s sports game,
because these are all safe topics,
but secretly deep down inside
we’re all looking for that special someone –
someone who we can share
our strange thoughts and ideas with.
Now if you come along
and you show them from the start
that you don’t really care about being a perfect snowflake
that you don’t really filter yourself
and that you are willing to talk about things
that are deemed as socially unacceptable or strange,
then people will want to open up to you.
他们会觉得 “哇 这个人
They’ll think, “wow, this guy doesn’t really
care too much about what society thinks,
so it should be safe for me to talk to him
about things that I’ve been bottling up inside.”
You want to be that guy,
you want to show them that you don’t really have a filter,
and it’s pretty easy to do this.
All you have to do is share something
that is considered to be sort of weird,
something that is slightly out of the norm.
For example, I will sometimes tell people about
how I don’t sit on toilets
Fun facts I squat on top of them when I do my business
Why? Well, it’s because when I was a kid,
I just didn’t like the cold feeling
of my butt touching the seat
but it turns out
that we humans are meant
to use the toilet in squatting position.
There are a ton of benefits,
but let’s not get into that too much here.
You can look into that on your own time.
The point I’m trying to make is that
when you share something that’s sort of strange like this,
people will instinctively react by thinking,
“huh, that’s weird.”
but deep down inside they’re also thinking,
“huh, this guy doesn’t really
care too much about what others think,
so it should be okay if I talk about some of the stuff
I’ve been bottling up inside as well.
I can relax and filter less my words and thoughts.”
Now it’s very important to note that there is a fine line
between being seen as someone who has a reduced filter
and being seen as someone who is just plain old crazy,
and it all depends on your perceived value,
which is a concept we talked about in a previous video.
There’s a difference between that
unemployed guy who lives next door
coming up to you and talking about seeing aliens
as compared to someone like Bob Lazar,
who’s a well-known scientist,
coming up to you and
talking about seeing an alien spaceship.
If your value is too low,
people will just think that you’re crazy.
They’re gonna try their best to get away from you,
so you should only reduce your filter and say weird things
if your value is high enough,
which means having proper hygiene,
having a decent amount of social proof
meaning that people know you have friends,
dressing decently well, being in decent shape
being able to hold eye contact, etc.
The higher your value is,
the easier it is to get away with
saying weird and strange things.
Now, before we dive into the second thing you have to do
in order to get people to open up to you,
I want to quickly tell you about a new program of ours –
the habit builder challenge.
Because as we all know,
the only way you’ll actually see any progress in your life
无论是健康 财富 总体上的幸福
whether it’s your health, wealth, overall happiness
or even your relationships,
is if you build the right habits.
You won’t suddenly become asocial butterfly
just by watching the bee friend course.
I wish it was that easy.
Right? Because you actually have to go out there
and build a habit of talking to people.
So if you’re interested in receiving news
about this habit building program of mine,
all you have to do is sign up for our email list
by clicking on the link in the description box below.
All right, let’s get back to the topic at hand.
Now, after you’ve shown someone
that you don’t really have a filter
by saying something out of the norm,
it’s still up to you to guide the conversation in a way
that will eventually get them to open up.
See, most of the time people just won’t talk about things
that they’ve been bottling up for months or even years
unless you prompt them to,
which is why the second thing you have to do
is ask the right questions,
and not just any question.
There is a special type of question that I
personally like to use a lot in conversations.
They’re what I like to call assumption questions.
All it is is when you make an assumption
about someone based on an observation
and see if it’s true or not.
Going back to the example from the beginning of the video,
when I was having the conversation with my acquaintance
I noticed that he had a very monotone expression on
when talking about his recent engagement,
so I said, “I’m just gonna be honest with you man,
you don’t really sound that excited
about the engagement.
is there something bothering you?”
Assumption questions like this do two things.
First, it shows that you are really really listening,
because the only way
you can make an assumption like this
is if you are paying 100%
close attention to what they were saying
how they were saying it and their body language.
The very fact that you’re paying this much attention
shows that you genuinely care about what’s being said
and that’s something that people really really like.
It makes them feel good.
The second thing this does is it causes them to react.
If your assumption is wrong,
they will instinctively want to correct you.
He might say something like,
“oh no, it’s it’s not that I’m not excited,
I’m just tired for my long flight here…” yada yada.
In this case, you can simply take that information
and branch off into another topic.
You can talk about how you recover from jet lag too.
It’s up to you.
but what I found is that if you’re really paying attention,
you’ll actually be able to make
a correct assumption most of the time.
And when that happens, when your assumption is correct,
they will almost always start opening up,
because this is the cue for them to open up that bottle
to let out all those emotions and thoughts
they’ve been holding in for who knows how long.
Right, we all know that talking about our problem
helps relieve the stress that comes along with it
and by making a correct assumption,
you’ve essentially told them,
“hey, I’m the perfect person to talk to about this subject.
I don’t really have a filter,
so I probably won’t judge you.
“而且最棒的是 在这场对话中 我非常关心你
And to top it off I care about you in this conversation.
So I am the perfect candidate for you to talk to.”
And that’s how you get someone’s open up
by reducing your filter
and asking assumption questions.
Now, the information you learned in this video is helpful,
and it will work,
but at the end of the day, it doesn’t mean anything
unless you take action and you turn it into a habit.
You’ve got to build a habit of talking to people,
if you ever want to get people to open up to you, right?
So, if you want to learn more about the habit builder challenge
and also other future programs
and services we’ll be releasing
make sure you click on the link in the description box below
to sign up for our mailing list.
此外 观众朋友们 敬请期待
Besides that, guys, stay tuned.