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怎样才能不大吼也让孩子听话?

How To Get Kids To Listen Without Yelling

Do you ever find that you have to yell
你有没有发现 有时你必须靠吼
in order for your kids to hear you?
才能让孩子听话?
Today, Live On Purpose TV,
本期《生活目标》的主题就是
how to get your kids to listen without yelling?
怎样才能不大吼也让孩子听话?
Live On Purpose
《生活目标》
Like many of you,
和很多人一样
Vicki and I have a pet.
我和Vicki养了一只宠物
It’s a little dog, he’s a yorkie poo, cute little guy.
是一只小约克夏狗 它是个很可爱的小家伙儿
We named him Mozzie,
我们叫它Mozzie
and he is a smart little dog too.
它也很聪明
I was wondering recently
我最近有点困惑
and I think I commented to Vicki about this.
于是我和Vicki提出了我的困惑
Has he trained us or have we trained him?
到底是狗狗训练我们还是我们训练狗狗?
You know what I’m talking about if you’re a dog owner.
如果你有一只狗 你就会知道我在说什么
We train each other.
我们是互相训练的
This is true with our kids too.
这也同样适用于我们和孩子的相处
Our kids train us to do certain things to act certain ways to respond to them
我们的孩子训练我们 用特定的行为方式来回应他们
in a way that they’ve trained us to respond to them.
让我们用特定的方式和他们交流
And we do the same with our kids.
而且我们也对孩子做同样的事
Notice that it’s going both directions,
注意 这是相互的
because that’s going to be important as we manage the dynamic of
这对我们寻找不对孩子大吼大叫
how we’re going to encourage our kids to listen to us without hopping into the yelling mode.
就能让他们听话的办法而言很重要
Now, having introduced it with my dog.
刚才已经通过狗狗的故事引入了话题
What if your kids have trained you to yell?
如果你的孩子训练你 让你习惯性大吼大叫怎么办?
I had a dad come into talk to me once,
有一次 一位父亲和我聊这类的事
I can’t remember all the circumstances around his particular family,
我对他那个家庭情况已经记不清了
but I think he was a single dad, he had about four or five kid,
但是我想他是个单亲爸爸 有四五个孩子
and he was just feeling so frustrated.
他感觉很挫败
Because every time he asked the kids to do something,
因为每次他要求他的孩子们去做什么的时候
they would just ignore him,
孩子们偏偏就不理他
until he got so frustrated and so upset that he was yelling
直到他极度挫败与沮丧以至于大吼时
and then they would finally respond.
孩子们才会对他有所回应
Can you relate to this?
你能理解这一点吗?
Does this happen at your place?
你家出现过这种情况吗?
So he asked me a question,
于是他问了我一个问题
he said:”Dr. Paul,
他说:“Paul教授
why do my kids wait until the twelfth time I’ve asked him,
为什么我的孩子要等我要求他12次以后
and I’m upset and angry
等到我心烦意乱又怒火中烧后
before they’ll do something?”
他们才能有所行动呢?”
How would you answer that?
你会怎么回答这个问题呢?
Why did they wait until the twelfth time?
为什么孩子们要等第12次才回应父亲呢?
Because they have trained him to yell at them before they respond,
因为他们在训练父亲通过大吼大叫来获得回应
because he has trained them to ignore him until the twelfth time.
他也在训练孩子无视他前11次的要求
So I asked him a question,
于是我问了他一个问题
“Why do they do it the twelfth time?”
“为什么第12次他们才去做?”
Think about that for a minute.
给你一分钟时间思考
What is different time number twelve from time number one?
第12次和第1次之间 到底有什么不同?
Picture this,
想象一下
time number one dad is,
第一次的时候 父亲是这样说的
” Hey guys, would you please clean up all of that stuff
“孩子们 你们可以帮忙收拾这些东西吗?
so that we can have dinner?”
这样我们好吃晚餐”
Alright, now that registers with the kids as
然而 听在孩子们的耳中却是
“ma-ma-ma,
“一串忙音…
-What did dad say? -I don’t know
-爸爸刚说什么了? -我不知道
-Was it anything important? -I don’t think so.
-有什么重要的事吗? -没有吧
-Do I need to pay attention to that? -Probably not.”
-需要我做啥么? -不用吧”
Time number two,
第二次
“Guys, did you hear me?”
“孩子们 你们听到我说什么了吗?”
Kids are hearing”Ma-ma-ma…
孩子们听到的还是“一串忙音…
-Did dad say something? -I don’t know, I don’t know if he said anything.
-爸爸是不是说什么了 ? -我不知道 我不知道他有没有说话
-Is it important? -Probably not.”
-重要吗? -估计不重要吧”
Time number twelve,
第十二次
*gets mad*
[爸爸生气了]
popping coronaries and everything.
怒发冲冠 非常生气
How do the kids hear that?
孩子们听到了什么?
“Oh, dad’s talking, sounds important.
“哦 爸爸在说话 听起来很重要
I probably better do something or I’m gonna get clobbered.”
我最好做点什么 要不我会挨打的”
That’s why they respond time twelve,
这就是为什么第12次他们才有反应
because they’re interpreting it as
因为他们把第十二次的话解释成了
”Oh, it’s important now,
“哦 现在这件事很重要
I’m going to get clobbered if I don’t do something now.”
如果我不立刻去做这件事 我就要挨打了
See, he has raised his voice to the point
看吧 父亲得提高嗓门
where he triggers that understanding in their little minds.
才能使孩子们有所意识
(Sigh)
[叹气]
So how are we going to switch this dynamic?
那么我们要如何改变这种状态呢?
My suggestion to him was,
我给他的建议是
clobber him the first time.
叫完第一次就直接开揍
Now don’t misunderstand me,
别误会
I’m not saying you should clobber your kids,
我不是说你应该打你的孩子
I’m actually against that,
我绝对反对打孩子
but what I am saying is,
我实际要说的是
move the real consequences up in the sequence,
提前表明你的真正目的
so that they follow the calm, cool, collected voice
这样他们才能听从这种平和镇定的声音
instead of the yelling voice.
而不是在大喊下才做事情
We’re going to train them to respond
我们要训练他们
when we talk to them calmly, and in a loving tongue
学会趁我们还可以冷静 脸带笑容 充满爱意的
with a smile on our face.
和他们说话的时候回应我们
In fact, we can train kids to understand
其实 我们可以训练孩子们明白
that dad smiling means that
父亲的笑容意味着
“kids better start thinking.”
“我们最好开始想想爸爸是不是让我们干点啥了”
But they’r not equating it with that yet, ok?
但他们现在还没有这个意识 明白了吧?
So how are kids interpreting what we’re saying?
那么 孩子们又是怎么理解我们的话的呢?
I heard a phrase years ago that makes a lot of sense to me,
多年前 我听到过一个对我很重要的警句
“Bad breath is better than no breath at all.”
“有口臭的狗总比没气儿的好”
So they don’t mind having a little bad breath,
所以他们不介意语气差
it actually makes them feel validated in some ways,
事实上 这在某种程度上对他们很有效
so yelling at our kids is not necessarily a punishment.
所以 吼孩子其实并不是一种惩罚
In fact, from a behavioral psychology standpoint,
事实上 从行为心理学的角度来讲
yelling is a trap,
大吼是一个陷阱
because it is a reinforcement, not a punishment.
因为它只有强化而无惩罚的作用
I’m talking strictly behavioral terms,
我说的都是行为心理学术语
those of you who’ve studied a little behavioral psychology will understand
你们中学过一点行为心理学的人会知道
that the difference between a reinforcer and a punishment.
强化刺激和惩罚之间的区别
A punishment decreases of behavior,
惩罚能约束行为
a reinforcer increases of behavior.
而强化刺激则会鼓励行为
Yelling is a reinforcer not a punishment.
吼孩子是强化刺激而不是惩罚
That’s important to know
知道这一点很重要
because we inadvertently set ourselves up
因为我们一旦大吼
for more problems when we yell.
我们就在无形中留下了更多问题
It trains our kids to respond then instead of when we’re talking calmly.
它会训练孩子 在我们大吼而非冷静的时候回应
So here’s a strategy that might be help
有个方法或许可以帮到你
and I’ve used this with so many clients
我已经将这个方法用到很多客户
and even with my own kids,
甚至是我的孩子身上
understand that your kids always
要知道你的孩子始终是有选择的
always have choices, always,
一直有选择
and if you haven’t figured this out yet,
如果你迄今还没明白
notice that what you give them as choices,
你有没有注意到 就算有时候你给了他们选择
sometimes they pick something totally different, right?
他们却选择了完全不同的东西 对吧?
So they’ve always got choices,
所以他们总是有选择余地
and at a very minimum they have a choice to
至少他们可以选择
either cooperate or not with you.
要么顺从你 要么不理你
So acknowledging their choice in the matter,
所以承认他们始终有选择这一事实
let’s set it up
我们一起来设置选项
so that we have the greatest opportunity for success.
这样才能把握最佳机会取得成功
I need to go back to something that I’ve mentioned before
我需要讲下我之前提到过的
and that has to do with the rules of plumbing.
一个和修水管有关的规则
Some of you may have not heard this from me yet
你们中的一些人可能从未听我提起
but there were times, early in our marriage
但有些时间了 我刚结婚那段时间
when Vicki and I would find that something’s wrong with the house
那时候我和Vicki发现我们的房子出了点问题
and we need to have them fixed
我们需要解决这些问题
and we couldn’t afford a repairman
但是我们请不起修理工
and so I got to do a lot of home repairs,
所以我只能自己来做大堆的房屋维修工作
some of these involves plumbing.
其中就包括修水管
I’m not a plumber,
我不是个水管工
I’m a psychologist, there’s a difference,
我是个心理学家 这两者是不一样的
they both start with P, that’s about where the similarities end except for this.
他们除了都以字母P开头 再没有别的共同点了
I consulted with my dad about this plumbing project that I was doing.
我就修水管一事咨询了我的父亲
He says,”Yeah Paul, there’s only two rules to plumbing basically.
他说 “是的Paul 修水管基本上只有两条规则
Two things you need to know.”
你得知道这两条”
“I’m interested, dad, what is that?”
“我很感兴趣 爸爸 这两条规则是什么?”
He said,”Well the two rules are,
他说:“这两条规则是
first, water runs downhill.”
第一条 水往低处流”
Ok, I can see why that one’s important,
好吧 我明白为什么这条重要
then he pause for a minute and said,
然后 他停顿了一分钟后说:
“Rule number two, don’t lick your fingers”
“第二条 不要舔你的手指头”
And I laugh, it’s funny, right?
我紧接着就笑了 难道不搞笑吗?
But if you’ve ever installed the toilet,
如果你装过厕所
you know what we’re talking about here.
你就知道我们在说什么了
Water runs downhill, don’t lick your fingers.
水往低处流 不要舔手指
What does this have to do with psychology?
这和心理学有什么关系呢?
I think there are two analogous rules in psychology.
我记得心理学里也有两条相似的规则
Rule number one, this is the water runs downhill rule,
第一条规则 基本就类似于水往低处流
some things you control, other things you don’t.
有些事情你可以掌控 有些你不能
Get clear about that, it’s important.
明白这一点很重要
And especially when you’re dealing with your kids,
尤其是你与孩子相处的时候
some things you control, other things you don’t.
有些事情你可以控制 有些你不能
Things like their attitude
比如孩子的态度
and whether they’re gonna cooperate or not,
他们是否愿意配合你
you don’t control that, they do.
你控制不了这些 但他们可以
Here’s rule number two, pay attention to the things you do control.
第二条规则 关注你能控制的事情
This is going to save so much heartache as a parent,
这可以帮你减少很多当父母的烦心事
because we’re going to focus our efforts on
因为我们将集中注意力
what is within our own control to accomplish.
努力完成那些我们能控制的事情
Now let’s go to the strategy.
现在该谈谈方法了
Try this and make some comments down below
试着这样做 并在评论区讲讲你这样做之后
about what you experienced about this,
家里发生了什么变化
I would love to hear from some of you on this.
我希望听到你们的回馈
Here it is, give them two choices, alright?
这个方法就是给他们两个选择 明白吗?
Give them two.
就给两个
Now there’s always more than two but you’re going to give them two choices.
他们可以有很多选择 但你只给他们两个
Either one is okay with you, either one.
并且这两个你都能接受 哪个都能
We make this mistake as parents sometimes to say,
我们当父母的有时候会犯这样的错误
”Okay, you do this or else…”
“你要么这么做 要么……”
Or else what?
要么什么?
We give them a choice that is one that we like
我们为他们提供了一个我们喜欢的选择
and then they go pick something that we don’t like.
他们却选择了我们不想要的选择
Ok, that’s why I want you to give them two choices,
这就是我要你给他们两个选择的原因
either one you’re okay with.
给他们两个你都能接受的选项
Let me give you an example.
举个例子吧
You can clean your room yourself
你可以自己打扫你的房间
or you can hire someone else to do it,
或者雇人来打扫
either way it’s okay with me,
我都能接受
as long as it’s clean to my satisfaction I’m good.
只要清理到我满意了就可以
That’s an example of two choices you’re okay with either one.
这就是一个“两者皆可”例子
Okay, for a younger child,
对一个幼童
you can come with me on your own feet
你可以自己走过来跟着我
or you can come with me on my feet,
或者我带着你一起走
either one is okay with me.
我都没问题
Do you see either way they’re coming with you.
你明白了吧 不管怎样他们都要跟着你
Are you going to come or not?
你到底来不来?
Are you gonna come or am I gonna leave you home?
你是和我一起走 还是我把你放家里?
Look, if you’re not willing to leave the kid home
注意 如果你不想把孩子留在家
and you shouldn’t be if they’re young enough
如果孩子们太小了 你的确不应该把孩子独自留在家
that this would be an issue,
否则就会出问题
then don’t use that as a threat,
那就别把这个当作威胁
they’ll see right through it and your words will be garbage.
他们会看穿你 你的话也不再管用
We’re going to talk about turning your words from garbage into gold
我们是在讨论如何让你的话从空话变得有力度
so that when they hear your voice, your melodious pleasant voice,
在他们听见你那悦耳愉人的声音的时候
they listen and pay attention
他们会认真听并放在心上
because that’s gold.
因为它有力度
See,we’re turning words from garbage into gold.
看吧 我们在把我们的话从空话变得有力度
So we’re gonna give two choices you’re okay with either one.
所以我们要给出两个你都能接受的选择
Now here’s the kicker, you control one of them.
关键的是 你要把其中一个选择控制住
Why? Because that one becomes default.
为什么? 因为这个选择会变成默认选项
That is the one that is going to happen if they refuse to choose,
如果他们拒绝做选择 那么默认选项就启动
they chose that one.
他们还是选了默认选项
So in the examples that I gave,
正如我给的例子那样
you can clean your own room
你可以自己打扫自己的房间
or you can hire someone else to do it, either one is really okay with me.
或雇人来打扫 我两个都可以接受
Which one do you control?
你可以控制哪个?
That one,
雇人打扫
because if they choose not to clean their room at all
因为如果他们选择不打扫自己的房间
and they probably didn’t call up Annie’s maid service,
他们又不太可能叫Annie来做客房清洁
pre-paid of course to come and take care of that room for them.
就是那种不预付清洁费就不来打扫的客房服务
Then what did they choose?
那他们选择了哪个呢?
They chose to hire someone to do it, and who did they choose?
他们要是选择雇人来做 他们能雇谁呢?
Chose you, yeah.
雇你 对 就是你
now you might be thinking
你现在可能在想
“I’m not gonna clean my kid’s room, they’re supposed to do it.”
“我才不会打扫我孩子的房间 他们应该自己做”
Okay, fine, remerber we give them two choices,
好吧 还记得我们给他们的两个选择吧
you can clean it yourself, you can hire someone else to do it,
你要么自己打扫 要么雇人清理
either way is okay with me,
两个我都可以接受
don’t go back on your word and say,
不要反悔说
“Actually I’m not okay with that one now.”
“其实我现在接受不了那个选择了”
You be okay with it.
你必须接受
I told my kids, they learned this pretty early,
我很早之前就告诉了我的孩子
you can hire me any time you want
只要你们想 任何时候都可以雇我
and then I gave them my rates.
之后我就告诉了他们我的身价
There’s no kid out there wants to
我的孩子没有一个
pay 200 plus dollars per hour to have their room cleaned,
愿意以每小时200多美元的价格雇我打扫他们的房间
but that’s my rate,
但这是我的身价
just saying, okay?
我刚刚说过了 明白?
And I’m happy to come clean your room for that much,
我很开心打扫你们的房间可以拿到这么多钱
just give me a call and we’ll make an arrangement.
只需给我打个电话 就能达成合作
Nobody hires me to clean their room for 200 plus dollars an hour.
没人以200多美元的时薪雇我去打扫他们的房间
Why? Because that’s too expensive.
为什么? 因为这实在是太贵了
What if your kid hires you to clean their room?
如果你的孩子真的雇你去打扫他们的房间呢?
OK, Well that’s going to cost them something,
可以 不过他们必须付出些什么
I’m not saying you should charge them 200 bucks,
并不是说你应该收他们200美元
what I am saying is, it should cost them something,
我说的是 他们应该要有付出
and you need to be able to control that cost,
而你需要能控制好这个成本
that’s another conversation
这又是另一个问题
that we’ll probably have in another video.
我们可能要在另外的视频中讨论
Okay, but you got to be okay with both choices,
但你要确定两个选项都没问题
because one of those you control
因为你能控制的那个
and that’s the one that is default. OK?
必须是个默认的“无效”选项 明白了吗?
Go to the younger child example,
拿更小的孩子来做一个例子
you can come on your own two feet
你可以自己走过来
or you can come on my feet,
或者我抱你过来
either way is okay with me, ok?
我两个都能接受 明白了吧?
You got a two-year-old who wants to do everything”by myself”
你有一个想什么事都“自己做”的两岁孩子
Right? Have you heard that one?
对吗?你听过那个吗?
Yeah, which one did they want to choose?
那他们会选哪个?
Well they want to be in control of some things,
如果他们想控制一些东西
they might choose their own two feet,
他们可能选择自己走
but if they don’t choose to come with you,
但如果他们不选择和你一起
you get to pick them up.
你就直接抱起他们
Because they’re two and you can still do this, right?
因为你还是能抱动两岁孩子的 对吧?
You get to pick them up and they get to go on your feet.
你把孩子抱起来然后放到你的腿上
Now you might think “Well, I just want them to come,
现在你可能在想 “我只是想让他们过来
I don’t want them to fight me”
我不想让他们跟我作对”
Right. Here’s a little tip,
好吧 给你个小提示
think versus fight, think versus fight.
比较一下思考与战斗 比较一下
Every interaction you have with your kids
你和孩子的每次互动
is going to invite them to do one or the other.
都是在让他们做选择
What do we want them to do?
我们想要他们做什么?
Think, because if they’re thinking,
思考 因为如果他们在思考
they’re going make some pretty good decisions.
他们会做出很多好决定
What do they want to do?
他们想做什么?
Sometimes they want to fight,
他们有时候想和我们作对
and so they’ve trained us to yell at them,
所以就挑衅我们 让我们向他们大吼
so they can fight with us.
这样他们就可以和我们作对了
It’s not fair but it happens, okay,
这不公平 但的确常发生
and I don’t say they’re doing this maliciously,
我不会说他们有恶意
I don’t think they are,
我真的不这样认为
I think it’s just working for them
我觉得这就是他们认为有效的方式
and bad breath is better than no breath at all.
毕竟 有口臭的狗总比没气儿的好
We’re going to turn our words from garbage into gold,
我们要让自己的话从空话变得有力度
so that when we speak in that melodious loving tone of voice
这样我们悦耳有爱的声音才会奏效
that we always use as a parent now.
也就是现在我们作为父母常用的声音
they’re going to hear that
他们会听进去这个声音
and they’re going say, “What?”
他们会问“需要我做什么?”
Okay, so pretend for a minute that you give them that choice.
好吧 假设你给了他们这两个选择
You can come on my own two feet or you can come on your own two feet
我可以抱你走 你也可以自己走
or you can come on my feet, either way it’s okay with me.
或者我抱你 我反正都可以
And then”I’m not coming”,
然后他们说“我不走”
so you pick them up and you take them.
结果你直接就抱着他们走了
Now what happens the next time?
那么下次又会发生什么?
Assuming that you were calm and cool and collected,
假设你依旧冷静克制
you didn’t lose your cool and fight.
你没有失去冷静并且斗志满满
What happens next time when you say, “Hey we’re going,
下次你说: “嘿 我们要走了
would you like to come on your own two feet
你是想自己走呢?
or would you like to come on mine? Either way is okay with me.”
还是我抱你走?我反正都行” 会发生什么?
Do you see what we’re talking about?
你明白我们在说什么吗?
Okay, would you like to clean your own room
好吧 你想自己打扫你的房间
or would you like to hire someone to do it?
还是雇人来打扫呢?
Either way is okay with me.
我反正哪个都行
If they just paid a big cost the last time,
如果他们上次损失不小
they’re going to be thinking now.
他们现在就会思考了
See now I’ve accomplished think versus fight,
看 现在我让思想战胜了对抗
we’ve turned our words from garbage into gold,
我们把我们的言语变得有力度了
so that we can talk to our kids and we don’t have to yell
这样我们不大吼也可以和孩子沟通了
and we’ve just trained them to respond to us differently
我们处理问题的方式
because of how we’ve approached them.
改变了他们的回应态度
So now maybe you won’t have to yell as much
所以现在你可能不用经常大吼
and your kids will actually listen,
你的孩子也会听你的话了
you’ve turned your words from garbage into gold.
你已经把自己的话从空话变得有力度了
Live On Purpose TV has some more gold for you,
无限精彩尽在《生活目标》
make sure you subscribe.
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视频概述

让孩子做一件事很困难吗?总是需要大吼大叫才能让孩子动起来?如果你的生活也面对这样的问题,点开这个视频,相信你会找到解决问题的方案。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

ody

审核员

审核员SF

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHvm1J9HVLo

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