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如何进入天堂

How to Get Into Heaven (ft. theodd1sout)

“How to get into heaven” An investigation by yours truly; Crash.
“怎么进入天堂”这份调查来自 你们最亲爱的碰撞菌
In today’s video,
本期视频中
I am going to show you guys something that has never before been revealed:
我会给你们展示一些从未揭露过的东西
How to get through the motherfuckin’ pearly gates and into Heaven!
即如何穿过这该死的天国之门进入天堂
Christian’s HATE ME!!!
基督徒憎恶我!
Check out these simple hacks and you will be in heaven in NO TIME!!!
学会这些简单的技巧 你分分钟进入天堂
But seriously, as some of you may know,
说正经的 有人可能知道
I have had some first-hand experience with the almighty God in the past.
我有和全能的上帝亲身接触的经历
I learned many things during my time around him,
我待在他身边时学到了很多东西
and it’s needless to say that he lives a life of luxury.
不用说 他生活得很奢侈
It’s where we all want to be after we die,
天堂是我们死后都想去的地方
whether we want to believe it or not…
不管大家信不信
I mean… LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
我的意思是 看看这个地方!
Now, before we begin, let me give you a little background information on
在开始之前 我说点关于我是
how I learned this one simple trick that
怎么学到这些小把戏的吧
totally isn’t just another desperate effort of clickbaitery.
我才不是想骗取点击量 铤而走险呢
In 1976, the steaming pile of bullshit known as “Heaven’s Gate”
1976年 像“天堂之门”的连篇屁话
was founded by Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles.
由马歇尔·阿普尔怀特和邦尼·奈特扩散
These nutjobs believed that the world was going to be “recycled”,
这些呆子认为这个世界将被“回收”
and that everyone thus needed
因此每个人需要
to “evacuate”… Via suicide.
通过自杀……来被“清除”
This would supposedly put people onto “The Next Level”,
据称 这会将人类推向“下一阶段”
where they are safe from the horrific green garbage man,
在那里人们将安全躲过恐怖的绿色清洁工
Auuuuuuuu…..
呜……………………
On March 26th 1997,
1997年3月26日
these insane and probably ill people
这些疯子或可能是有病的
went through with their crazy idea and ended their lives.
通过结束生命来完成他们疯狂的想法
If you haven’t watched this video by the way,
对了 如果你没看过这个视频
Nine Crazy Religions
《9种疯狂信仰》
go and watch between this time,
在这个时间段就去看
and this time for Culture’s actual informative explanation of this crazy ass cult
最适合播放信息量巨大的狂热信仰的文化宣传片
we’ll wait for you, just pause the video
按下暂停 我们乖乖等你哟~
So anyway, I was just chillin’ the fuck out,
不管怎样 我对那烂东西很心寒
sneaking onto the CultureCrash YouTube channel
偷偷看YouTube的《文化碰撞》频道
while Culture wasn’t home, as I always do.
趁着文化菌不在家 像平常一样
Then I saw something pop up…
然后 一些东西跳了出来
and it was… disturbing.
那很 让人分神
When I was done looking at that,
当我看完它
I stumbled across what the point of this anecdote actually is.
我一脸懵 这八卦点在哪里
I clicked on the notification,
我开了通知
which stated that a comment was left on the video that
显示这视频有个评论
I just previously mentioned.
就是我刚提过的那个
This is what I could see of the comment in the notification window.
其实我能在通知窗口看到它
Here’s something more creepy about the Heaven’s Gate, they still answer emails via-
关于天堂之门 有个超诡异的说法 他们仍然能回邮件 只要。。
… via what?
通过啥呀?
The comment preview just cuts off right there!
这个评论预览就到这儿了
The suspense was killing me, sooo…
这个悬念让我难受的想死 因此
I quickly opened a new tab…
我快速打开了一个新页面
The tension was building…
营造紧张气氛
I needed to prepared for what I was about to see!
我需要对我将要见的东西有所准备
… AND…
以及
Then I got distracted, went incognito and flogged my pump-action shotgun for much longer
然后我就分心了 无痕登陆然后花了大量时间
than I should have.
来。。擦枪
Uhh…
额…
Anyway.
总之
When my mind was back on track, I checked the 9 crazy religions video for the comment
当我回过神来 我点开了9种疯狂的信仰视频
that appeared 7 hours earlier, and it was nowhere to be found.
为了看那个七小时前的评论 现在没了
I figured it was probably just placed in the spam section, seeing as YouTube was telling
我猜它可能被扔进垃圾区了
me that such comments existed on the video
毕竟油管告诉我它存在过
So I clicked the “review” button to have a look, AND I WAS MET WITH THIS!
所以我点了查看 然后 我见到了这个
Now I was desperate to find out how contact with Heaven’s Gate can be made.
对于怎么跟天堂之门连上信号 我绝望了
I was so desperate, in fact, that I did some investigative work.
实际上 我已经绝望到去搞了
Research.
学术研究
YES CULTURE, I DID, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
对 劳资做了 闭嘴
All he did was type this in
他做的所有工作 就是打了这行字
He’s a true detective.
他真是个真正的侦探
SHUT IT.
闭嘴
Anyway, after tirelessly searching the edges of the Earth for this hidden email address,
咳 不管怎样 为了这个地址 我废寝忘食 搜边天涯海角
I finally found it.
终于 功夫不负有心人
On their official website, of all places.
居然 就在他们的官网上
Who would have guessed?
这谁猜的着啊?
DON’T MAKE ME USE THE SHOTGUN I MENTIONED EARLIER TOO.
别逼我一枪打死你
I saw this email address as more than just an end to my search…
我找到地址 然后就 终止了研究
I saw it as an opportunity to mess with someone, and we all know I take every one of those
我把这当做奇遇的机会
opportunities that come at me.
我们都知道我不放弃任何机会
I wrote to them: Hello there, I was just wondering if anybody
我写道 大家好 我就是想知道
is there.
那边 有人吗
I have a deep interest in Heaven’s Gate and would love to ask some questions about
我对天堂之门很感兴趣 我想问几个关于它问题
it, and how I can be involved.
以及我怎么加入
Thank you for your time.
谢谢
-Crash Within minutes, I kid you not, WITHIN FUCKING
文化菌 几分钟内 对 我不是开玩笑
MINUTES, I receive this back.
就在几分钟内 我收到了这个
Yes, we are still here.
是的 我们就在这里
*gasp noise* Despite my obvious shock, I had to continue
*哦啊* 尽管我显然被吓到了 我还得继续
on in a mature manner so as to get the person’s attention properly.
我礼貌地回复希望引起那家伙的注意
Excellent to hear!
哈!真高兴知道这个
I just wanted to convey my thanks and appreciation towards Heaven’s Gate.
我只想把我的无尽的感激传达给天堂之门
Applewhite’s words really resonated with me personally and I respect him greatly for
Applewhite的想法激励了我 (并不) 我对于他的
what he did.
成绩深表敬佩
Is there still a group of people today planning on making the shift from this world, to the
那里是否还有一群人想着把人从这个世界
next?
转移去下一个?
No.

The Class ended in 1997 and there are no members or group to join.
1997年课程就结束了 现在没有组织或成员加入
All of us have to wait for an older member from the next level to form a group again.
我们都不得不等待已经到达下一阶段的老成员在那里重建
We just don’t know when.
鬼知道什么时候
Can you ACTUALLY believe that I was casually chatting with someone from Heaven’s Gate?
你们相信吗?这随意的对话的对象是一个天堂之门的人
It still blows my mind to this very day, holy shit.
劳资一天都魂不守舍 偶滴天惹
They could have tracked me down, sent one of their workers to my house, and that guy
他们可以追查到我然后给我寄一份他们的作品
could have tried to convince me to KILL MYSELF! *ahem* Hey man, here.
然后那家伙就可能劝我 自杀! 呃 嘿老兄
Huh?
啊?
What am I supposed to do with this?
我该怎么办?
Shh, Shh, Shhhhh…
嘘嘘嘘
You know exactly what it’s for.
你知道这是用来干啥的吗?
How the fuck did you get into my house?
你特喵的是咋进我房里的?
Do it.
干吧
What are y- DO IT.
你特喵 干吧
CULTURE!?
文砸!?
Don’t bother calling out to him, he’s not with us anymore.
别大声喊他 这会让他感到不安 他不再与我们同在了
YOU’VE CROSSED THE LINE.
你太过分了!
I’M GONNA WHIP IT OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
我要把它拿出来 当着你的面
RIGHT NEAR YOUR FACE!
就在你眼前!
HARGH!
啊!
Crap- Gotta bounce.
少废话了 达拉蹦吧
BYE!
拜拜
Or… even worse…
噢 更糟的是
HE COULD HAVE TRIED TO SELL ME PRODUCTS!
他可以给我卖安利!
… Oh wait, that’s actually a real thing on their website.
呃等等 在他们的网站还真有这么个玩意
Ah, I see.
啊 我懂了
When a new group is formed, will a notification be sent out for others to join?
当一个新组建立 就有个加入通知发给别人?
I just hope it’s not too late for me, as I am beginning to age quite seriously.
我希望这对我来说还不太晚 我真的老了
Are there any particular requirements that need to be met, in order to enter though Heaven’s
那加入天堂之门有什么
Gate?
要求?
Those that desire it will be informed.
那些渴求者会被告知
No one will be denied.
没人会被拒绝
It will probably occur hundreds and hundreds of years from now.
这可能要持续上百年
In our next reincarnation(s) on this planet.
在我们重生于这个星球期间
Woah, that sounds pretty accepting of a God who supposedly despises large groups of the
哦这听起来很有道理 一个神由于种种原因
population for various reasons…
鄙视大群体
… Right.
好的吧
I understand, thank you for this information.
我明白了 谢谢你
When you say that no one will be denied, does that mean that if I’m only a child in my
你说谁都不会被拒绝 如果我在下次重生
next reincarnation(s), when the new group is eventually formed, I will still be granted
只是个孩子 当新群体建立 我依然
access?
可以加入?
No.

You will plan it to be an adult.
你需要先成年
What.
啥?
I’m unsure of how to do that.
我不确定怎么做到
One other thing: does being a black, homosexual transgender make pose any problems to the
还有个事 一个黑人同性恋变性人会
process?
有问题吗?
I’m just looking to have these questions answered so I’m not disappointed later down
我只是想得到答案所以我不够格加入
the line if I cannot join.
我也一点不失望
No, it doesn’t matter who you are.
不 你是什么并不重要
As long as you drop all these human aspects, reject sexuality of all kinds and put your
只要你抛弃作为人的一切 彻底禁欲
energy into learning the ways of the next level.
把精力用在研习如何去往下一阶段
There is no sexual activity or thought of any kind in the next level or the group.
下一阶段或群体里 没有任何形式的性
That in itself sounds like the end of the world…
这听起来就像世界末日
But I’m more than willing to leave everything to get to the next level.
但是我更想放下一切去往下一阶段
Thank you for all of the information, and for your time.
谢谢你腾出宝贵时间
I hope to see you in the next level, commander.
希望能在下一阶段见到你 大人
Crash out.
碰撞菌离开了
Surprisingly, what scared me most was the speed at which this person replied to my emails.
真的让我害怕的是这货的回信速度
I didn’t expect any form of response, let alone one faster than the time it takes for
我没指望有任何回复 更别提是比文化菌
Culture to correct me on shit
给我找茬还快的速度
Something that I can’t joke about, because I’m equally impressed as I am surprised,
除了惊讶 我也深受感动 这不是开玩笑
is the fact that they’re unwilling to take children to “The Next Level”.
他们居然不同意孩子去“下一阶段”
To put that more simply, it means that they’re not willing to let children kill themselves
简单点说 他们扭曲的文化里不包括
as part of their twisted cult.
希望孩子自杀
Respect, boiz.
放尊重点
… But not nearly enough, fuck you.
但那远远不够 去你喵的
So, to answer the question at hand of “how to get into Heaven”…
所以 怎么上天堂 答案就是
Well, according to my investigation:
根据我的调查:
Do it!
干吧
A huge thank you goes out to James from theodd1soutcomic for his appearance in the show! <3
感谢奇怪漫画的James客串

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视频概述

文化菌和碰撞菌的骗点击量日常

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

云の山の彼端

审核员

译学馆审核员B

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkL7wQ7CHts

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