“How to get into heaven” An investigation by yours truly; Crash.
In today’s video,
I am going to show you guys something that has never before been revealed:
How to get through the motherfuckin’ pearly gates and into Heaven!
Christian’s HATE ME!!!
Check out these simple hacks and you will be in heaven in NO TIME!!!
But seriously, as some of you may know,
I have had some first-hand experience with the almighty God in the past.
I learned many things during my time around him,
and it’s needless to say that he lives a life of luxury.
It’s where we all want to be after we die,
whether we want to believe it or not…
I mean… LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
Now, before we begin, let me give you a little background information on
how I learned this one simple trick that
totally isn’t just another desperate effort of clickbaitery.
In 1976, the steaming pile of bullshit known as “Heaven’s Gate”
was founded by Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles.
These nutjobs believed that the world was going to be “recycled”,
and that everyone thus needed
to “evacuate”… Via suicide.
This would supposedly put people onto “The Next Level”,
where they are safe from the horrific green garbage man,
On March 26th 1997,
these insane and probably ill people
went through with their crazy idea and ended their lives.
If you haven’t watched this video by the way,
Nine Crazy Religions
go and watch between this time,
and this time for Culture’s actual informative explanation of this crazy ass cult
we’ll wait for you, just pause the video
So anyway, I was just chillin’ the fuck out,
sneaking onto the CultureCrash YouTube channel
while Culture wasn’t home, as I always do.
Then I saw something pop up…
and it was… disturbing.
When I was done looking at that,
I stumbled across what the point of this anecdote actually is.
I clicked on the notification,
which stated that a comment was left on the video that
I just previously mentioned.
This is what I could see of the comment in the notification window.
Here’s something more creepy about the Heaven’s Gate, they still answer emails via-
关于天堂之门 有个超诡异的说法 他们仍然能回邮件 只要。。
… via what?
The comment preview just cuts off right there!
The suspense was killing me, sooo…
I quickly opened a new tab…
The tension was building…
I needed to prepared for what I was about to see!
Then I got distracted, went incognito and flogged my pump-action shotgun for much longer
than I should have.
When my mind was back on track, I checked the 9 crazy religions video for the comment
that appeared 7 hours earlier, and it was nowhere to be found.
I figured it was probably just placed in the spam section, seeing as YouTube was telling
me that such comments existed on the video
So I clicked the “review” button to have a look, AND I WAS MET WITH THIS!
所以我点了查看 然后 我见到了这个
Now I was desperate to find out how contact with Heaven’s Gate can be made.
I was so desperate, in fact, that I did some investigative work.
YES CULTURE, I DID, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
对 劳资做了 闭嘴
All he did was type this in
He’s a true detective.
Anyway, after tirelessly searching the edges of the Earth for this hidden email address,
咳 不管怎样 为了这个地址 我废寝忘食 搜边天涯海角
I finally found it.
On their official website, of all places.
Who would have guessed?
DON’T MAKE ME USE THE SHOTGUN I MENTIONED EARLIER TOO.
I saw this email address as more than just an end to my search…
我找到地址 然后就 终止了研究
I saw it as an opportunity to mess with someone, and we all know I take every one of those
opportunities that come at me.
I wrote to them: Hello there, I was just wondering if anybody
我写道 大家好 我就是想知道
I have a deep interest in Heaven’s Gate and would love to ask some questions about
it, and how I can be involved.
Thank you for your time.
-Crash Within minutes, I kid you not, WITHIN FUCKING
文化菌 几分钟内 对 我不是开玩笑
MINUTES, I receive this back.
Yes, we are still here.
*gasp noise* Despite my obvious shock, I had to continue
*哦啊* 尽管我显然被吓到了 我还得继续
on in a mature manner so as to get the person’s attention properly.
Excellent to hear!
I just wanted to convey my thanks and appreciation towards Heaven’s Gate.
Applewhite’s words really resonated with me personally and I respect him greatly for
Applewhite的想法激励了我 (并不) 我对于他的
what he did.
Is there still a group of people today planning on making the shift from this world, to the
The Class ended in 1997 and there are no members or group to join.
All of us have to wait for an older member from the next level to form a group again.
We just don’t know when.
Can you ACTUALLY believe that I was casually chatting with someone from Heaven’s Gate?
It still blows my mind to this very day, holy shit.
They could have tracked me down, sent one of their workers to my house, and that guy
could have tried to convince me to KILL MYSELF! *ahem* Hey man, here.
然后那家伙就可能劝我 自杀! 呃 嘿老兄
What am I supposed to do with this?
Shh, Shh, Shhhhh…
You know exactly what it’s for.
How the fuck did you get into my house?
What are y- DO IT.
Don’t bother calling out to him, he’s not with us anymore.
别大声喊他 这会让他感到不安 他不再与我们同在了
YOU’VE CROSSED THE LINE.
I’M GONNA WHIP IT OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
RIGHT NEAR YOUR FACE!
Crap- Gotta bounce.
Or… even worse…
HE COULD HAVE TRIED TO SELL ME PRODUCTS!
… Oh wait, that’s actually a real thing on their website.
Ah, I see.
When a new group is formed, will a notification be sent out for others to join?
I just hope it’s not too late for me, as I am beginning to age quite seriously.
Are there any particular requirements that need to be met, in order to enter though Heaven’s
Those that desire it will be informed.
No one will be denied.
It will probably occur hundreds and hundreds of years from now.
In our next reincarnation(s) on this planet.
Woah, that sounds pretty accepting of a God who supposedly despises large groups of the
population for various reasons…
I understand, thank you for this information.
When you say that no one will be denied, does that mean that if I’m only a child in my
next reincarnation(s), when the new group is eventually formed, I will still be granted
只是个孩子 当新群体建立 我依然
You will plan it to be an adult.
I’m unsure of how to do that.
One other thing: does being a black, homosexual transgender make pose any problems to the
I’m just looking to have these questions answered so I’m not disappointed later down
the line if I cannot join.
No, it doesn’t matter who you are.
As long as you drop all these human aspects, reject sexuality of all kinds and put your
energy into learning the ways of the next level.
There is no sexual activity or thought of any kind in the next level or the group.
That in itself sounds like the end of the world…
But I’m more than willing to leave everything to get to the next level.
Thank you for all of the information, and for your time.
I hope to see you in the next level, commander.
Surprisingly, what scared me most was the speed at which this person replied to my emails.
I didn’t expect any form of response, let alone one faster than the time it takes for
Culture to correct me on shit
Something that I can’t joke about, because I’m equally impressed as I am surprised,
除了惊讶 我也深受感动 这不是开玩笑
is the fact that they’re unwilling to take children to “The Next Level”.
To put that more simply, it means that they’re not willing to let children kill themselves
as part of their twisted cult.
… But not nearly enough, fuck you.
So, to answer the question at hand of “how to get into Heaven”…
所以 怎么上天堂 答案就是
Well, according to my investigation:
A huge thank you goes out to James from theodd1soutcomic for his appearance in the show! <3
“How to get into heaven” An investigation by yours truly; Crash.