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教你如何治愈心碎

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

几乎每个人在生命中的
At some point in our lives,
某个时刻都会心碎
almost every one of us will have our heart broken.
我的一位病人名叫凯西 中学的时候就开始计划她的婚礼
My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.
她想着能在27岁遇见她的丈夫
She would meet her future husband by age 27,
一年之后订婚 再一年后结婚
get engaged a year later and get married a year after that.
但是当她27岁时 她并没有找到合适的结婚对象
But when Kathy turned 27,she didn’t find a husband.
她找到的是乳房的肿块
She found a lump in her breast.
于是她经历了很多个月艰难的化疗
She went through many monthsof harsh chemotherapy
和痛苦的手术
and painful surgeries,
在那之后
and then just
当她正准备开始重返相亲约会的生活的时候
as she was ready to jump back into the dating world,
在她的另一侧乳房又发现了肿块
she found a lump in her other breast
她不得不重新经受一遍之前所有的痛苦
and had to do it all over again.
尽管如此 凯西最后康复了
Kathy recovered, though,
她很期待能够继续寻找如意郎君
and she was eager to resume her search for a husband
当她的眉毛一点点长出来的时候
as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
你要想在纽约约会
When you’re goingon first dates in New York City,
你需要会用眉毛来表达丰富的情感
you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
不久之后 她遇见了里奇 并且坠入了爱河
Soon afterwards,she met Rich and fell in love.
这段感情特别完美 就像她所期待的那样
The relationship was everythingshe hoped it would be.
六个月后 他们在新英格兰度过了美妙的周末
Six months later, after a lovely weekend in New England,
里奇在他们最心仪的浪漫餐厅预订了位置
Rich made reservationsat their favorite romantic restaurant.
凯西知道 他就要向她求婚了
Kathy knew he was going to propose,
她难以抑制内心的激动
and she could barely contain her excitement.
但是里奇那晚没有求婚
But Rich did not proposeto Kathy that night.
他提出了分手
He broke up with her.
虽然他确实十分关心凯西
As deeply as he cared for Kathy —
他确实关心过
and he did —
但他并没有爱上她
he simply wasn’t in love.
凯西心碎了
Kathy was shattered.
她伤透了心 她现在需要再次康复起来
Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.
但是分手五个月之后
But five months after the breakup,
凯西仍然忘不了里奇
Kathy still couldn’t stopthinking about Rich.
她一直很伤心
Her heart was still very much broken.
问题是:为什么?
The question is: Why?
为什么这个极其坚强有意志力的女性
Why was this incredibly strongand determined woman
不能像从前那样有意志力
unable to marshal the sameemotional resources
她曾经坚强地挺过了四年的癌症治疗
that got her through four yearsof cancer treatments?
为什么我们中的大多数人都在苦苦挣扎
Why do so many of us flounder
却无法摆脱心碎?
when we’re tryingto recover from heartbreak?
为什么同样的处理机制
Why do the same coping mechanisms
能让我们战胜人生中各种各样困难的机制
that get us through all kindsof life challenges
却不能治疗我们感情中的心碎
fail us so miserablywhen our heart gets broken?
我开私人心理诊所超过二十年了
In over 20 years of private practice,
见过各个年龄层 各种背景的人
I have seen peopleof every age and background
各式各样的心碎
face every manner of heartbreak,
我从中学到的就是
and what I’ve learned is this:
当你心碎的时候
when your heart is broken,
你一直依赖的直觉
the same instincts you ordinarily rely on
可能会使你再次误入歧途
will time and again lead youdown the wrong path.
你不能完全信任自己的直觉
You simply cannot trustwhat your mind is telling you.
比如 我们从心碎人群调查中发现
For example, we know from studiesof heartbroken people
能清楚的理解这段关系为什么会结束
that having a clear understandingof why the relationship ended
对于我们继续前行很重要
is really importantfor our ability to move on.
然而一而再再而三地
Yet time and again,
当对方给我们一个简单真诚的解释的时候
when we are offered a simple and honest explanation
就像里奇给凯西的解释那样
like the one Rich offered Kathy,
我们往往会拒绝接受
we reject it.
心碎引起我们情绪上戏剧性痛苦
Heartbreak createssuch dramatic emotional pain,
因此直觉告诉我们 肯定是同样戏剧性的原因才会这样
our mind tells us the causemust be equally dramatic.
这样的直觉强烈而有力
And that gut instinct is so powerful,
本来我们是非常理性的
it can make even the most reasonableand measured of us
这种直觉可以让我们幻想出很多隐秘复杂的理论
come up with mysteriesand conspiracy theories
而这些都不存在
where none exist.
凯西坚信在她和里奇这次浪漫之旅期间
Kathy became convincedsomething must have happened
一定发生了什么事情
during her romantic getaway with Rich
使里奇对他们的关系感到厌烦
that soured him on the relationship,
于是她就一直在找原因
and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.
她花了很长时间来回忆
And so she spent countless hours going through every minute
那个周末的每一分钟
of that weekend in her mind,
一直在寻找那些根本不存在的线索
searching her memory for cluesthat were not there.
凯西的直觉使她陷入了徒劳的猜想中
Kathy’s mind tricked herinto initiating this wild goose chase.
但是好几个月以来是什么迫使她这样做呢?
But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?
心碎比我们想象的要可怕
Heartbreak is far more insidiousthan we realize.
这就是为什么
There is a reason we keep
我们一次又一次的陷入迷思
going down one rabbit hole after another,
即使我们知道这样会使我们感觉更不好
even when we know it’s goingto make us feel worse.
大脑研究发现停止爱一个人
Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love
所激发的反应机制
activates the same mechanismsin our brain that get activated
和瘾君子戒可卡因或鸦片所激发的机制是一样的
when addicts are withdrawingfrom substances like cocaine or opioids.
凯西实际上正在经历戒毒
Kathy was going through withdrawal.
和里奇分开就像
And since she could not have the heroin
不能再吸食海洛因一样
of actually being with Rich,
她下意识地筛选与他相关的记忆当作美沙酮来麻痹自己
her unconscious mind chosethe methadone of her memories with him.
直觉告诉她 她正在试图找出里奇跟她分手的原因
Her instincts told hershe was trying to solve a mystery,
但她实际上是在让自己舒服一点而已
but what she was actually doing was getting her fix.
这就是心碎难以治愈的原因
This is what makes heartbreakso difficult to heal.
瘾君子们知道自己有瘾
Addicts know they’re addicted.
他们注射毒品的时候自己是有意识的
They know when they’re shooting up.
但是心碎的人却不知道
But heartbroken people do not.
但是你现在知道了
But you do now.
如果你心碎了 你不应该忽视它
And if your heart is broken,you cannot ignore that.
你必须承认自己的状态 不管你内心有多么迫切
You have to recognize that,as compelling as the urge is,
回忆中的每一次旅行 你发的每一条信息
with every trip down memory lane,every text you send,
你在社交媒体上追踪前任的每时每刻
every second you spendstalking your ex on social media,
都会在满足自己的瘾
you are just feeding your addiction,
加深情感上的痛苦 让你更难恢复
deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.
从心碎中走出来不是一次旅行
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.
而是一场战斗 你的理性就是你的最强武器
It’s a fight, and your reasonis your strongest weapon.
凡是分手 都不会有令人满意的原因
There is no breakup explanationthat’s going to feel satisfying.
理性推理不会让你减轻痛苦
No rationale can take awaythe pain you feel.
所以不用找 也不用等
So don’t search for one,don’t wait for one,
就接受对方给你的解释吧
just accept the one you were
或者自己想一条
offered or make up one yourself
之后不再追问
and then put the question to rest,
因为你需要不再想他 才能戒掉毒瘾
because you need that closure to resist the addiction.
你还需要一些其他的方法
And you need something else as well:
你必须情愿放手
you have to be willing to let go,
接受已经结束的事实 否则
to accept that it’s over. Otherwise,
你总抱着希望 你的心总会跟着走
your mindwill feed on your hope
让你屡屡受挫
and set you back.
心碎的时候 不切实际的希望是具有毁灭性质的
Hope can be incredibly destructivewhen your heart is broken.
心碎是一个操控人心的行家
Heartbreak is a master manipulator.
我们应该放下这段感情
The ease with which it gets
下定决心不受操控
our mind to do the absolute opposite
让我们恢复身心
of what we need in order to recover
这非常重要
is remarkable.
心碎时
One of the most common tendencies
我们有一个常见的选择
we have when our heart is broken
就是把对方理想化
is to idealize the person who broke it.
我们花很长时间记住他们的笑
We spend hours remembering their smile,
他们给我们带来多么美好的感觉
how great they made us feel,
我们一起登山的时刻 抑或是繁星下温情的场景
that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.
所有的这些都让分手更痛苦
All that does is make our lossfeel more painful.
我们心里明白
We know that.
但我们仍然让大脑不断回放
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle
一个又一个的美好时刻
through one greatest hit after another,
彷佛我们被自己被动攻击的 Spotify 音乐播放列表给挟持当人质了
like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
心碎之后总是会回想那些场景
Heartbreak will make those thoughtspop into your mind.
所以为了避免理想化 你必须将这些抵消掉
And so to avoid idealizing,you have to balance them out
记住他们皱眉的瞬间 而不仅仅是微笑
by remembering their frown,not just their smile,
他们让你感觉有多糟
how bad they made you feel,
事实是温情之后
the fact that after the lovemaking,
你下山的时候迷路了
you got lost coming down the mountain,
疯狂地吵架 两天没说话
argued like crazyand didn’t speak for two days.
我教给我的病人的就是要列一张详尽清单
What I tell my patientsis to compile an exhaustive list
关于这个人做的所有的错事
of all the waysthe person was wrong for you,
所有的坏品质 所有让人难以忍受的事
all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,
然后把它们记在手机里
and then keep it on your phone.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
一旦你列出了清单 你就要使用它
And once you have your list, you have to use it.
当我察觉到病人开始理想化时
When I hear even a hint of idealizing
或仅仅在讨论中出现一点点思念之情时
or the faintest whiffof nostalgia in a session,
我就告诉他 看看你的手机上怎么写的
I go,”Phone, please.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
你的大脑可能会试着告诉你这段感情很完美
Your mind will try to tell youthey were perfect.
但他们不完美 这段感情也同样不完美
But they were not,and neither was the relationship.
但是如果你想克服这种状态
And if you want to get over them,
你必须提醒自己
you have to remind yourself of that,
而且是经常地提醒
frequently.
我们所有人都不能避免心碎
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
我的一位病人名叫米格尔 今年56岁 是一家软件公司的高管
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company.
他妻子去世五年以后
Five years after his wife died,
他终于下决心开始新的感情
he finally felt readyto start dating again.
他遇到了莎伦 并且闪恋了
He soon met Sharon, and a whirlwind romance ensued.
他们一个月之后就把彼此介绍给了自己的成年子女
They introduced each otherto their adult children after one month,
两个月后就搬到了一起
and they moved in together after two.
中年人恋爱时不会浪费时间
When middle-aged people date,they don’t mess around.
就好像《真爱至上》遇见了《速度与激情》
It’s like”Love, Actually”meets”The Fast and the Furious.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
当时是米格尔几年来最开心的时候
Miguel was happierthan he had been in years.
但是就在他们一周年的前一晚
But the night beforetheir first anniversary,
莎伦离开了他
Sharon left him.
她决定搬到西海岸
She had decided to move to the West
想要离她的孩子更近一些
Coast to be closer to her children,
她不想要长征般地恋爱
and she didn’t wanta long-distance relationship.
米格尔毫无准备 惊慌失措
Miguel was totally blindsidedand utterly devastated.
他很长时间都无法专心工作
He barely functioned at workfor many, many months,
最后差一点丢了工作
and he almost lost his job as a result.
心碎的另一个结果就是孤独与痛苦
Another consequence of heartbreakis that feeling alone and in pain
这些都会损伤我们的心智
can significantly impairour intellectual functioning,
尤其是涉及到逻辑推理的复杂工作的时候
especially when performing complex tasksinvolving logic and reasoning.
也会暂时降低我们的智商
It temporarily lowers our IQ.
但是并不只是因为米格尔的深度悲伤
But it wasn’t just the intensityof Miguel’s grief
困扰了他的老板 还有其持续时长
that confused his employers; it was the duration.
米格尔也深受其困扰
Miguel was confused by this as well
也觉得很羞愧
and really quite embarrassed by it.
我们诊疗时 他问我 “我到底哪里出错了”
“What’s wrong with me?”he asked me in our session.
“哪个成年人会用超过一年的时间来从仅一年的感情中走出来?”
“What adult spends almost a yeargetting over a one-year relationship?” Actually,
实际上 大部分人是这样的
many do.
心碎有所有失落与悲伤的共性
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarksof traditional loss and grief: insomnia,
失眠 侵入性想法
intrusive thoughts,
免疫系统紊乱
immune system dysfunction.
百分之四十的人群经历过临床可测的抑郁
Forty percent of people experienceclinically measurable depression.
心碎是一种复杂的心理创伤
Heartbreak is a complexpsychological injury.
它影响我们的方方面面
It impacts us in a multitude of ways.
例如莎伦很擅长社交
For example, Sharon was both very social
也很活跃
and very active.
她每周都会在家里吃完饭
She had dinners at the house every week.
她和米格尔和其他夫妇一起露营
She and Miguel went on camping tripswith other couples.
即使米格尔没有宗教信仰
Although Miguel was not religious,
他也每周都陪莎伦去教堂
he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday,
他受到会众的欢迎
where he was welcomedinto the congregation.
米格尔失去的不仅仅是他的女朋友
Miguel didn’t just lose his girlfriend;
他还失去了他的整个社交圈
he lost his entire social life,
就是莎伦所在教会的支持性团体
the supportive communityof Sharon’s church.
他失去了丈夫的身份
He lost his identity as a couple. Now,
现在 米格尔意识到分手
Miguel recognized the breakup
让他陷入了巨大的空虚中
had left this huge void in his life,
但他没有意识到的是
but what he failed to recognize
这次分手影响的不仅仅一处
is that it left far more than just one.
这很关键
And that is crucial,
不仅解释了为什么分手令人绝望
not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating,
也告诉我们怎么治愈
but because it tells us how to heal.
为了治愈心碎
To fix your broken heart,
你必须找到由此产生的空缺
you have to identify these voids
并且填补它们
in your life and fill them,
我的意思是所有的空缺
and I mean all of them.
也包括你个人身份中的空缺
The voids in your identity:
你需要重新确认你是谁 你生活的意义
you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.
你社交中的空缺 错过的活动
The voids in your social life, the missing activities,
甚至是拿走照片后
even the empty spaces on the wall
墙上的空白
where pictures used to hang.
但是除非不犯让你变得消极的错误
But none of that will do any good
不然以上种种措施都于事无补
unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back,
比如对原因的无用追寻
the unnecessary searches for explanations,
不关注前任的错误
idealizing your ex instead of focusing
反而将其理想化
on how they were wrong for you,
总想着他有多闪耀
indulging thoughts and behaviorsthat still give them a starring role
总让他们在你接下来的人生里扮演重要角色 而实际上他们只是多余的
in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn’t be an extra.
克服心碎很难
Getting over heartbreak is hard,
但是如果你拒绝
but if you refuse to be misled
被直觉误导 开始采取措施治愈自己
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
你就会最小化你的痛苦
you can significantly minimizeyour suffering.
不仅是你会因此受益
And it won’t just be youwho benefit from that.
你会更多地跟朋友相处
You’ll be more present with your friends,
更多地跟家人呆在一起
more engaged with your family,
更不用说可以避免亿万元因为
not to mention the billions of dollarsof compromised productivity
工作效率低下而造成的损失
in the workplace that could be avoided.
所以如果你认识某个人正心碎了
So if you know someone who is heartbroken,
要关怀同情他
have compassion,
因为研究发现 别人的帮助和支持能够帮他们更好的恢复
because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.
要有耐心
And have patience,
因为他们要花比想象中
because it’s going to take them longer to move
更长的时间才能走出来
on than you think it should.
如果你正是受伤的人 记住以下几句话
And if you’re hurting, know this:
要走出来其实非常难 它是你内心中的一场战斗
it’s difficult, it is a battle within your own mind,
你必须全力以赴才能获胜
and you have to be diligent to win.
但你确实是有武器的
But you do have weapons.
你可以抗争的
You can fight.
并且你一定能痊愈的
And you will heal.
谢谢
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

心碎是一件很难治愈的事,演讲者通过自己的工作经历来阐述心碎的本质,以及如何治愈心碎,让我们一起领略治愈心碎的方法,并能从中受益吧!

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

九霄

审核员

审核员YZ

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM

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