Welcome back to the Gentleman’s Gazette!
Today’s video is all about how to deal with jerks
because we will have a jerk or two in our lives
You probably have a boss who is jerk,
maybe your neighbor a family member a friend
或是你的邻居 家庭成员 或者朋友
or someone else
who’s close to you.
I mean, frankly, we’re all jerks sometimes;
我的意思是 坦白说 我们都有混蛋的时候
If we have bad nights of sleep
maybe if we were sick,
or if we just have another thing to deal with
we can all behave like a jerk.
However, we’re talking more about people
who are constantly and unapologetically a jerk.
The weird thing is that being a jerk
is sometimes correlated to being successful.
For example, Steve Jobs was a bonafide jerk
yet he was very successful.
So just because you’re a jerk doesn’t mean
you’re automatically successful.
Often, it’s the opposite.
And in today’s video,
we show you how you can deal with jerks
without going down to their level.
So first of all,
what exactly is a jerk
and how can you earn respect without being one
To answer those questions, please check out this video here.
In a nutshell,
jerks are stubborn,
they’re just full of themselves, they just care about themselves,
they’re not open to criticism or change,
and they’re just about winning, putting others down,
and getting ahead in life no matter the cost.
Interestingly, when surveyed,
a lot more people describe being subjected to oppression of jerks
rather than admitting to being one themselves.
That means there are a lot people who are jerks
but they don’t think of themselves as being a jerk,
this is called the blame bias.
When we see behavior in others,
we assume that they’re trying to be a jerk
and mean about things
yet when we do the exact same thing,
we have different motives
and we don’t think of ourselves as being a jerk,
when in fact, other people assume we are.
When people behave badly
they often think of it as being justified
but they’re the only one thinking that way
all the others just think you’re a jerk.
The bigger problem with this behavior is that it can be contagious
and other people can act in the same way
and then it brings down the entire community.
The first strategy in dealing with jerks
is to make sure you’re not one yourself.
So once you’ve decided you’re not a jerk,
the first step to dealing with jerks is to take action.
Simply accepting behavior of jerks
or just letting it go is not going to make the situation better
or resolve anything.
You’re instead empowering the jerks to continue doing what they do
because they see no obstacle in behaving that way.
Jerks are often stubborn and are unlikely to change,
so you have to change something because that’s something you can control.
First of all, you have to determine what kind of jerk you’re dealing with,
is it a clueless jerk who doesn’t know he’s a jerk
or is it an unrepentant jerk
who knows what they do is wrong but they just don’t care.
Dealing with a clueless jerk is easy
because they actually might mean well
and they simply just don’t know about it.
The best way to deal with it
is to take that person aside in a private moment
and address the issue.
Don’t address it in front of a group
where they can feel attacked
or where they feel particularly vulnerable,
take them aside, so no one else can see it,
have a word with them, and explain what you’ve seen.
A clueless jerk will likely apologize,
be sorry about it, and promise to change.
Now in those situations,
it is best not to confront the people head-on
but just say”I noticed”,”it seems like”.
Avoid terms like”you behave like an asshole”,
instead say, ” lately I noticed that there were some tensions around you
而是说 “最近 我注意到你身边的气氛很紧张”
or you behaved in a way that made others uncomfortable”
that way, you’re not just blaming him outright
but you just explain a situation
and giving them a way to save their face.
It’s important to focus on their behavior, not them as a person,
注重他们的行为 而不是他们本身 这是很重要的
otherwise, they’re likely to shut down
and not take any of your criticism.
Second, it’s great to have a remedy in mind
and not just throw something out there
and expect them to come up with a solution.
Again, don’t tell people what they should or should not do.
Rather, share maybe an experience of a similar situation
which really helped to come to a solution.
That way, the clueless jerk will think they came up with a solution
and because of that, they’re much more likely to act on it
rather than if you tell them what they should or should not do.
Now, when you’ve dealt with jerks,
you probably assume that they’re not a clueless jerk
because to you, it seems obvious they are unrepentant
因为对于你来说 很明显 他们是故意的
and they do it because they enjoy it
but that is part of the blame bias
and it’s best for you to assume
that everyone is a clueless jerk
and therefore, you should always, as a first step,
因此 你应该经常 像第一步说的那样
take them aside privately and approach them in the way just described.
Now if you’ve done that and the behavior doesn’t change,
you deal with an unrepentant jerk.
Unfortunately, there’s not a cooking recipe to deal with those kind of jerks,
不幸的是 针对这一类混蛋 目前还没有应对方法
however, chances are they’re not likely or easily going to change.
Also, the power dynamics in a relationship are hugely important.
If the jerk is a parent or a boss and you feel powerless,
it’s best to ignore those people, walk away from them,
and politely decline to even engage in a conversation with them.
Simply ignore them and take out the steam of their behavior that way.
The next step means it’s time to change for you.
You either have to quit, transfer to a different department,
or maybe end the relationship
because if you address their behavior directly with your superior,
chances are they’re gonna retaliate against you
and make your life even worse.
Now,if the power dynamics are equal
and it’s someone like a friend, a sibling, or a colleague,
他们是你的朋友 兄弟姐妹 或者是你的同事
you are at the same level, you have a few different options.
The one is to simply shun them, ignore them, exclude them from events,
and have a certain icy politeness but you’re clear
that you don’t want to have anything to do with them,
you don’t want to listen to them,
and you don’t want to be around them.
Another option would be to fight fire with fire.
Now, this is very risky
because a jerk will drag you down to their level
and beat you there with experience.
So if a jerk yells at you,
it’s not wise to yell back but you can speak up,
you can confront them, and tell them that it’s not okay.
但你能发声 能直面他们 告诉他们这不行
You can even do so in front of others
and see if that makes a change.
If it doesn’t, chances are its best simply to ignore them
and again, quit that relationship or try to move in a place
再说一遍 结束这段关系 或尝试搬到一个
where you don’t have to deal with that kind of behavior.
If quitting is not an option,
fighting fire with fire is your only option
and that unrepentant jerk really understands that language
so it may lead you somewhere but be careful.
Now what about if you have a jerk
who is your employee or your subordinate?
In that case, things are a lot easier.
Basically, you use your power and your force to require change,
基本上 运用你的权力 就能改变
you take them aside, you address the issue,
you tell them what needs to happen, and if it doesn’t happen,
you simply fire them and you just have to stick to that.
Now, one thing that works
no matter what the power dynamics are is to not give a ****,
however, that’s the most difficult one
and it often requires a lot of good acting
but ultimately, if you can show people
that you don’t care either about their behavior or about them,
it makes them maybe angry or rethink their behavior
simply because a jerk wants attention
and if you don’t give them attention
and if you don’t give them gratification,
they may deflate and maybe they’ll move on
and you can stay where you are.
In my opinion, it’s one of the hardest approaches
because it requires a lot of willpower on your end.
So in conclusion, jerks are everywhere.
You should always assume that if you encounter them
that they’re clueless jerks take them aside privately tell them about it
if they still don’t correct their behavior they are unrepentant jerks
and now you have different methods to deal with
that you can either shun them ignore them or fight fire with fire
你要么避开他们 或忽视他们 要么以牙还牙
In today’s video,
I am wearing a single breasted navy suit with notched lapels,
but I really changed the look of it
by wearing a red striped shirt
combined with a contrasting off-white double-breasted waistcoat
in velvety doe skin material.
I’m combining it with a dark or medium brown grenadine tie
with a boutonniere from Fort Belvedere
just like the tie which you can find in our shop
here and it picks up the white tones of the vest
and a stripe in the shirt
the pocket square is red and off-white polka dots
and it picks up the overall color scheme
as you can see
because of the contrast it looks very different
than your typical run-of-the-mill navy suit
this is enhanced by the fact
that I’m wearing brown suede leather boots which are softer
than maybe a black oxford that you would usually encounter
yet it works well with my brown tie.
My shirt cuffs are French cuffs for double cuffs
and I’m wearing a pair of gold monkey fist knot cuff links
which very timeless and classic
and are inspired by the nautical knot
and you can find them in our shop, here