Have you ever lost control during a heated argument at work?
And said or done something you will immediately regret?
We all have.
Well, I can’t help you take back that unfortunate thing you said,
I can help you to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
In this video,
you’re gonna learn how to pay closer attention
to your thoughts, feelings, and even your body.
自己的思想 感受 甚至身体
So you have a better chance of staying calm during a conflict.
Imagine you are being chased by a bear.
[Roaring]Scary, right? [Screaming]
[咆哮声]很可怕 对吧？ [尖叫声]
Now, think about a tense conversation,
or a difficult negotiation at work.
This disagreement may be hard,
and even uncomfortable.
But surely you’re not panicking like you were with the bear, right?
Well, it’s not always that easy.
Our brain is constantly scanning for threats.
And when it senses one,
regardless of the actual level of danger,
an alarm goes off.
Whether it’s a bear, or your boss.
不管威胁是熊 还是你的老板 都会如此
Those sweaty palms, that knot in your stomach, the racing heart,
手心出汗 肚子里翻江倒海 心跳加速
it’s all part of your body’s ancient fight or flight survival mechanism.
The body makes a chemical choice to protect itself,
and when that happens, rational thinking shuts down.
And to make matters worse, thanks to something called mirror neurons,
your counterpart can catch your stressful reactions,
and the conflict can spiral out of control.
Luckily, all is not lost.
You can learn to interrupt these physiological reactions,
right there in the moment,
so you can take the heat down in real time.
First, acknowledge and label what you’re feeling.
Stressful feelings take up space and create noise in your mind.
But as psychologist and author Susan David defines them,
“Feelings are just transient sources of data
that may or may not proved to be helpful.”
Thinking of emotions as data,
can help you be more objective about them.
For instance, saying to yourself,
“I’m having the thought that my co-worker is wrong
and I’m feeling anger.”
Labels both the thought and the feeling,
it creates some distance from the feeling.
So it’s easier to let it go.
Differentiating your feelings is helpful too.
Frustration is not the same as sadness,
or anger, or disappointment.
And understanding what caused it,
can help you resolve the situation.
When you’re feeling these intense emotions,
it can be helpful to notice
what else is going on in your body.
Did your tone of voice change?
What are you feeling in your chest or in your stomach?
Is anything painful, or shaky, or tight?
有没有感到疼痛 颤抖 或憋闷？
These are all clues that can remind you,
“Oh yeah, this is what automatically happens when I feel threatened.
And I need to make myself relax.”
What you’re doing with your body matters too.
If you’re sitting still, stressful feelings can build up.
Excusing yourself to get up and walk around,
can activate the rational thinking part of your brain,
and help you process your emotions.
Give a neutral reason and own it you can say,
“I’m sorry to interrupt.
I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we continue.
Can I get you something while I’m up?”
This quick break can also provide a much needed reset
for the conversation.
If taking a break isn’t an option,
mindfulness experts recommend anchoring yourself,
with small intentional physical actions.
Such as tapping each finger with your thumb,
or firmly planting your feet on the ground.
Even these tiny actions can make a world of difference.
Visualizations are really helpful too.
Think of a person in your life who’s a calming presence,
or a place that helps you relax.
Picturing these even for just a moment,
can help redirect your thinking,
and start to calm yourself down.
A quick side note on your counterparts reactions.
Remember those mirror neurons?
Well, if you’re upset,
the feedback loop means your counterpart is probably upset too.
It may be necessary to just let them vent.
And while that may be difficult and uncomfortable for you,
try picturing their heated and hurtful words,
just going over your shoulder, rather than hitting you in the chest.
If you can show that you’re listening
without feeding into their negative emotions,
chances are they will wind down eventually.
Another tip we probably all know, is to focus on your breath.
You’re breathing anyway without even thinking about it,
so, pause for a moment and well, think about it.
What does it feel like to breathe in through the nose?
Does it change as it passes through the back of your throat?
What’s the quality of your breath as it enters your lungs?
What do you notice?
Counting your breath or focusing on the rhythm or smoothness
will start to lessen the feeling of panic,
and restore your ability to think, listen, and feel empathy.
并恢复你思考 倾听 和共情的能力
Another great tactic,
is to repeat a calming phrase or mantra.
You might say to yourself, ”This isn’t about me.”
or “Go to neutral.”
or “This is about the business.”
This will help ground you,
and calm those emergency alarms going off in your brain.
Okay. Let’s review.
Conflicts are tough for everyone.
And a hijacked nervous system shuts down your ability to think clearly.
But you don’t have to be a Zen master to learn self-regulation,
and to train yourself to respond instead of react.
Acknowledge and label your thoughts and feelings.
Remember, feelings are just data, and may or may not be helpful,
记住 感受只是数据 或有用 或毫无意义
differentiating and labeling them for what they are,
can make them easier to let go.
Take a break, removing yourself even briefly,
can give you time to process your emotions,
and provide a much needed reset to the conversation.
Take a brief walk, or anchor yourself physically in order to
jump start your rational brain.
Use visualisations. Picturing calm people or places,
can help focus your attention in a constructive way.
Imagining your counterparts angry words going past you,
can help neutralize their effect.
Focus on breathing mindfully.
Pay attention to the quality of your breath,
and try counting out your breasts with different techniques.
Repeat a calming phrase.
It could be something neutral like “this is about the business”
to help separate your personal feelings from the conversation at hand.
All of these strategies are based on HBR articles,
and they’re linked in the description below.
Do you have a tactic for staying calm in a difficult conversation?
Or maybe a topic
you want us to cover as part of the series? Comment below.
Thanks for watching. Bye for now.
Have you ever lost control during a heated argument at work?