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怎样聪明地选择伴侣 – 译学馆
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怎样聪明地选择伴侣

How To Choose A Partner Wisely

我们该如何选择爱人?
How do we choose the people we fall in love with?
在现代社会 浪漫主义意识形态指引我们说
In the modern world, under the ideology of ‘Romanticism’
首先还是要相信自己的感觉!
you’re meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!
爱是找到表里都美的那个人的互相迷恋
Love is a mutual ecstasy at finding a beautiful person, inside and out,
它有一种少有的神奇能力 它能让我们感到幸福
with the rare capacity, to make us happy.
浪漫主义听起来温馨而美好
The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.
它的发明者一定想象着它能结束不幸福的伴侣关系
It’s originators certainly imagined that it would bring to an end the sort of unhappy relationships
而这种不幸关系则是因陈旧的婚配方式导致的:
that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner;
媒妁婚姻!
the arranged marriage!
但唯一的问题是 这种让我们相信自己直觉的倡议
The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts
其本身就被证明是个很大的祸害
has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.
比如我们在夜店 火车站 聚会或网上碰到一些人产生的特别感觉
Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people in night-clubs, or train stations;
at parties or on websites
那种浪漫主义巧妙渲染出的艺术气氛 似乎并不会让我们在婚姻中更加快乐
and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions
中世纪被两国皇室捆绑在一起的联姻
The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts
都很想保卫自己祖传的土地主权
keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.
在确保爱情质量方面 直觉并不见得比算计好多少
Instinct has been little better than calculation in underwriting the quality
of our love stories.
另外有一派受心理治疗影响的观点
There’s another school of thought:
挑战了这样一个观点: 直觉一定会
this one influenced by psychotherapy which challenges the notion that trusting instinct
指引我们找到让我们幸福的人
invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.
因为该派理论指出 我们不会一见钟情于
That’s because the theory points out that we don’t fall in love first and foremost
那些对我们关心备至的人
with those who care for us in ideal ways
我们常会爱上以我们所熟悉的方式关心我们的人
We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.
而这或许是很大的不同
And there might be, a big difference.
成人之间的爱是以儿时经历为模板的
Adult love is modeled on a template of love created in childhood.
很可能会被各种错误诱惑所困扰
And is likely to be entwined with a range of problematic attractions
而这些会在某些重要方面影响着我们长大成人后幸福的几率
that militate in key ways against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.
我们会觉得自己是在爱情里寻找幸福 但实际上我们是在追寻一种熟悉感
We may believe we are seeking happiness in love but what we are really after is familiarity
我们在成人关系中重温那些儿时非常熟悉的感觉
We’re looking to recreate within our adult relationships the very feelings we knew
so well in childhood
而这些感觉不仅限于温暖和关怀
And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.
我们中很多人早年初尝爱情滋味时或许常与其他毁灭性的感情混杂在一起
The love many of us would’ve tasted early on was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics
比如想帮助一个失控的人
Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control
或者一个缺乏父爱或母爱的人
or of being deprived of a parent’s warmth.
或是惮于他/她的愤怒 或是缺乏安全感以致无法表达自己复杂的愿望
Or scared of his/her anger or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes
然后很符合逻辑地 我们成年后会拒绝一些人
How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates
不是因为他们不合适 而是因为他们有点“太合适”
not because they’re wrong for us but because they’re a little too right
他们在某种意义上过于稳重 成熟 善解人意 可靠
In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced, mature, understanding and reliable
而在我们心里这些“合适”感觉很奇怪 而且太唾手可得
given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned
因此为了明智地选择伴侣
To choose our partners wisely,
我们需要梳理出那些强迫性痛苦是
we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering
如何混进我们对人“来电”时的感觉的
may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.
一个有用的方式是
A useful starting place is to ask ourselves
准备好一大张纸 一支笔和一下午的时间
perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon
扪心自问 概括一下是哪种人让我们提不起感觉 而哪些人会让我们来电
what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.
回溯一下我们的青梅竹马都有什么样的品质
To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood
问问自己 那些心动是否真的
and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really
跟那些让我们幸福的事情相关联
are aligned with things that might make us happy
比如 我们也许会发现那些有点冷漠或残酷的人常常
We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people
比那些好好先生/女士更吸引我们
do always more interesting to us than the so-called ‘nice’ ones.
如果是那样 我们就应该停下来想一想
That should make us stop and think.
我们的诚实反应就是我们的遗留问题
Our honestly described reactions are legacies
它们揭示了我们对爱的感觉的一种潜在预设
They are revealing underlying assumptions we’ve acquired that what love for us can feel like.
我们开始更清楚地知道 我们在别人身上试图找寻的东西
We may start to get a clearer picture that our vision of what we’re looking for in another person
未必会好好指引我们找到自己的幸福
might not be in a specially good guide to our personal happiness.
通过审查自己的情感史 我们了解到自己不可能被什么人都能吸引
Examining our emotional histories we learn that we can’t just be attracted to anyone
我们会因为过去的经历而局限于几种类型
we’re limited in the types we have because of certain things that happened to us in our past.
即使我们不能一直彻底地转变这些模式
Even if we can’t always radically shift these pattern
认识到自己心负这种枷锁依然是有用的
it’s useful to know that we’re carrying a ball and chain
它会让我们对自己的心动感觉更加谨慎 比如
It can make us more careful of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that
我们只是在酒吧聊了几分钟后就确定自己遇到了正确的人
we’ve met the one after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.
或者我们确信对方只是胸大无脑或无聊透顶
Or when we’re certain someone is just brawn or boring
尽管客观来讲他们的生活也许挺丰富多彩的
even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.
最终 当我们发现自己爱恨的品质在不同星座中都能发现时
Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial types
我们应让自己从过去教会我们爱的人或青梅竹马身上解脱开来
when we find that the qualities we like and the ones we very much fear can be found in different constellations
我们应努力理解这种心理并以各种方式摆脱它
from those we encountered in the people who first taught us about affection long ago, in a childhood
最终 我们会解放心灵去爱那些与我们之前所喜欢类型不同的人
we should strive to understand and in many ways, free ourselves from.

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怎样聪明地选择伴侣? 用科学和心理学方式帮你理智地选择另一半

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收集自网络

翻译译者

D.M.

审核员

霜霜

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuV80wYRld0

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