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礼貌是不够的,如何能变得更亲切? – 译学馆
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How to be Warm

通常情况下 礼貌比粗鲁更好
While politeness is, of course, always preferable to rudeness
There are ways of being polite, but badly miss the mark
and can leave us feeling oddly detached and dissatisfied
Picture the person who ends up, despite their best efforts, seeming what we can call
“coldly polite”
They may be extremely keen to please those they’re seeing
他们遵循所有的礼节 他们给宾客提供饮品 询问有关他们行程的问题
They obey all the rules of etiquette, they offer their guest drinks, ask them questions about their journey,
暗示他们想要一点更多的利润 讨论对最近获奖小说的兴趣
suggest they might want a little more gravy, remark on the interest of a recent prize winnig novel
并且 他们从不设法令他们的殷勤让人感到迷人或太过明显
And yet, they never manage to make their hospitality feel either engaging or memorable
在他们暗示有另一个会面之前 可能会花很长时间
It may be a long time, before another meeting with them is suggested
相反 有的人被我们认为是热心的 这些人在基本准则上跟随着冷淡的人
By contrast, there is the person we recognize as a warm, who follows the cold person in the basic principles of politeness
但是他们尽力在他们的规矩中添加一个极重要的 在精神上令人欣慰的要素
but manages to add a critical, emotionally comforting ingredient to their manner
当我们和他们有一个晚间计划时 他们也许会提议在他们家烤奶酪三明治
They might, when we have an evening plan with them, suggest making toasted cheese sandwiches at their place
rather than going out to a restaurant
they might chat to us through the bathroom door,
put on the songs they loved dancing to, when they were fourteen,
把垫子拍得蓬松 放在我们身后
plump up a cushion, and slot it behind our back,
confess to feeling intimidated by mutual acquaintance,
带来一束雏菊花 或者是一张自制的卡片
bring us a posy of daisies, or a card they made
call us up when we’re down with a flu and ask how our ears are feeling
说起他们喜欢我们的发型 当我们不小心洒落了什么或者放了个屁时
mention they like our haircut, and then when we spill something or fart by mistake exclaim
他们大喊“我很高兴你这么做 我经常这样 ”
“I’m so glad you did that, it is usually me”
Beneath the difference between the warm and the cold person
lies a contrasting vision of human nature
明显的 冷漠的人正用一个含蓄的观点操作着 他们试图去取悦的
Broadly, the cold person is operating with an implicit view that those they are attempting to please
are creatures endowed only with the highest needs
结果是 所有种类的假设都与他们相关
As a result, all kinds of assumptions are made about them
That they are interested exclusively in so called “serious topics”,
specially art and politics
That they will appreciate a degree of formality in dining and sitting
他们会变得强壮、自立并足够成熟 从不对舒适和安心有任何渴望
That they will be strong, self-contained and mature enough, never to have any hunger for reassurance or cosiness
and that they will be without urgent physical vulnerabilities and drives
which might prove deeply offensive if they were mentioned
冷淡的主人相信、劝诱 这些更高尚的人会这样做的 如果有人建议他们在沙发上卷起毯子
These higher beings would, the cold host believes, wins if someone suggested they curl up on the sofa with a blanket
or handed them a copy of magazine about filmstars when they headed for the bathroom
但是 热心有礼貌的人经常深深地知道陌生人不考虑他们的重要身份或外在的尊贵
Yet, the warmly polite person is always deeply aware that the stranger irrespective of their status or outward dignity
is a highly needy, fragile, confused, appetitive and susceptible creature
并且他们了解这个陌生人 因为他们绝不会忘记关于他们自己的
and they know this about the stranger because they never forget this about themselves
热心有礼貌的人和Kanga有许多共同点 Kanga是温和有母性的在A.A.Milne的“小熊维尼”书中的袋鼠
Warmly polite people have much in common with the character Kanga, the tenderly maternal kangaroo in A. A. Milne’s “Winnie-the-pooh” books
在其中一个故事中 一个小动物被一个
In one of the stories the little animals are deeply disconcerted by the arrival
在跳跳虎的上百亩树林中的那个很大 很吵而且自大又自信的来访者困惑住
in the Hundred Acre Wood of Tigger, who’s very big, very loud and bouncy and assertive
他们用细心招待他 我们可以说 不走心
They treat him with caution and are, we might say, coldly polite
但当跳跳虎最后见到Kanga时 她立即对他很热情
But when Tigger finally meets Kanga, she is immediately warm with him
She thinks of him in much the same terms as she does her own child Roo
Just because an animal is large, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want kindness
However big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo, says Kanga
In what might be a definition of the essence of the philosophy of warmth
Sometimes it is deeply generous to think that another person may be more elevated than us
整体上看 我们已经在心中非常接受这种想法了
Collectively, we’ve taken this thought very much to heart
We’ve internalized distance and learned caution, moving on from the naivety of the small child
这种小孩子在你沮丧时想要讨人欢心 如果你想要闻一闻他们脏兮兮的毯子
who wonders sweetly, when you’re sad, if you might like to sniff their grimy blanket
但是热心的人知道可靠而有尊严的人 无论以怎样的方式出现在外面
But the warm person knows that however solid and dignified someone appears on the outside,
behind the scenes there will inevitably be a struggling self
可能尴尬 容易被身体上的嗜好所困扰
potentially awkward, easily bemused, beset by
在孤寂的边缘 没什么被频繁需要的比
physical appetites, on the verge of loneliness and frequently in need of nothing more subtle or elevated
一个奶酪三明治 一杯牛奶和一个拥抱更微妙或更高尚
than a cheese sandwich, a glass of milk and a hug