The thing that gets in most people’s way
of achieving their hopes, goals and dreams
但矛盾的是 比其它任何事情都重要的是 他们自己
more than anything else in their entire life is, paradoxically, themselves.
And the problem is that they can’t see
how they’re doing it because they lack self-awareness. Now,
this is a question that I wish I got more often —”How do I be more self-aware?” —
because without self-awareness, you can’t see your own failures and shortcomings
and you’ll have no way to catch your own blind spots
which means that in certain areas
of your life you’re gon na run in circles
giving rationalizations and excuses
for why you’re stuck and missing the real point
which is why
in this video I want to give you some mindsets and exercises
to increase your level of self-awareness and get out of your own way.
The first mindset that is absolutely
essential is to recognize that in your life,
the person who is most likely to lie to you
beyond anyone else is yourself.
We have some very, very complicated booby traps up here;
we have ego defense mechanisms that want to keep us —
A — safe from a survival perspective but
B — safe from a self-image perspective.
So if we get evidence if we behave
in a way that doesn’t suit our self-image
and we don’t like the story that it creates
about us, we tend to discount that evidence.
So for instance, if you’re in a relationship
as I was at one point that isn’t working out
but you’re afraid to end it, you
are unlikely to admit to yourself that you’re
a person who acts based on fear.
What you will instead do is discount all the reasons
that the relationship might not work
and create rationalizations for why those don’t matter for you.
This is why your friends can often see flaws
in the way that you behave and vice-versa
much more easily
than you can see them yourself so step one —
recognize that in all sorts of emotionally-charged areas of your life,
you’re likely lying to yourself.
The second thing to help us get past that initial fact
that we have to accept
is to put honesty before integrity. Now,
现在听起来有悖直觉 但是像我说过的 正直很重要
this sounds counterintuitive because integrity is important; I talked about it.
If you have a value you really do want to work on living it.
The problem is that there’s a couple
of emotionally-charged areas in your life right now
and in my life that we are incapable right now of emotionally breaking through.
And what that does is
because we have these ego defense mechanisms for instance
that won’t let us leave this job or leave this relationship
or give ourselves the real reason
why we’re not approaching the person that we
really like to start a relationship with or whatever it is
rather then be integris with that and do the hard thing
because we’re incapable
不让我们这么做 然后跳出来说不 不 不
of that — our brains save us — and they come out and say, “No,
no, no. All that evidence as to why I’m not approaching that person is bogus.
The real issue is this thing…
” and we block ourselves from ever being able to be honest
in the first place
because we feel so much pressure to immediately act with integrity.
The way to deal
with this weirdly enough is to give yourself permission to live in paradox —
to admit that you really should do something
and go,”You know what? But I’m not going to.”
And for me for instance, this was something that was true,
I felt morally obligated for probably years to stop eating meat
and I went for years
without doing that and it took me up until last year
when I actually stopped eating red meat and
poultry and all that kind of stuff —
I still eat fish — but it’s not the point of the video.
The point is that I had to live
in paradox for a long time before I was
emotionally able of making that leap to doing
what I thought was morally right for me.
And the same is going to be true
of you so give yourself permission
to be, first,
honest and to live for a period of time without putting that into action.
So now that we’ve done that,
what I would like you to do after this video,
but you can even start right now, is to make a list.
And you’re gonna call this list, Self Image.
On this list, you’re going to write,
in this order, things that you are —
I am a good friend, I am a good son,
I am smart, I am shy,
I am nervous in groups…
whatever it is, go ahead and write out all the things that you are.
If you do that for five minutes,
you have a pretty good image
of what your conscious self-image of yourself is which is great. Then,
what I want you to do is even more important
because after you’ve written out everything that you are,
I want you to create another list
and I want you to describe yourself without using any form of the verb,”to be.”
So that means you can’t say,”I am a good friend.”
You would have to say instead,”
I call my friends three times a week
and they regularly return my calls.”
Instead of saying that you’re a good son, you could say,”I bought my mom this amazing present for her birthday last week.”
Whatever it is you have to use actions and the responses
of people to describe who you are.
When you do this, you might see some disparities.
For instance, you might write that you’re an extremely moral person
but as you go through and you look at
your list, there’s not too many examples
of you behaving in a highly moral way.
In fact, there might be examples of you behaving
out of line with your morality;
you want to explore all different kinds of relationships here.
The point is, on the one hand,
when we describe what we are,
we tap heavily into our own identity;
the way we would like to see ourselves.
But when we describe what we do,
we are driving down to more of how we spend our time.
In fact, that’s a great thing too write there —
“I spend my time doing X,” and write out the things you do in your day;
that is a better example of who you are
than the way that you see yourself, unfortunately.
Once you’ve done that,
another way to get in some perspective on yourself
is to actually go to people
who know you well because they are not under
the same delusions that you are;
they don’t buy all the stories that you tell yourself about yourself.
So I’ve created a list of questions;
I’ll list a couple of them here, in the description,
or in the sidebar as I’m talking
but you go to a friend or a
group of them, a family member,
或者合作伙伴 或者其它非常了解你的人时 你应该说
a co-worker or somebody who knows you well and you say, “Look,
“看 我想得到一些他人对我的看法 不止如此”
I’m trying to get some perspective on myself. More than anything here,
I want to grow, I want to improve,
and I want to learn about myself
so I’m gon na ask you some
questions and you might have some seemingly harsh feedback
that maybe you’ve told me before or maybe you haven’t.
For the purpose of this exercise,
I would like you to tell me the bald-faced truth
as best you can and if I ask you questions,
I promise it won’t be out of defensiveness;
it’s gon na be out
of a desire to understand more.”
And you’re gon na ask them, for instance,
” Compared to other people that you know,
what is something that I struggle with or
in what ways am I hypocritical?”
And I’ll listen number
of these questions but these are tough questions for them
to answer because they don’t
want to offend you and there’re tough questions
to hear the answers to and you’ll know
that you’re doing this right if you’ve created
a safe enough space
for them to give you answers that make your heart race
and that make you uncomfortable;
that is a sign that your self-image is being disrupted and attacked a little bit.
What they’re saying isn’t necessarily 100% true but
it absolutely does give you something to work
with so that’s the second thing you can do.
The third thing is a habit
because the truth is self-awareness isn’t that you’re going to get
just from two simple exercises;
you need to begin to make a practice of viewing
the truth behind your desires, your motivations and your feelings and
in order to do that
on a daily basis, it is my strong opinion,
you need at least 10 minutes of space. Now,
space can be any number of different things;
space can be meditation,
space can be taking a walk, it can be surfing,
it can be talking to a therapist or a counselor.
Space can be something
that I do all the time which is I find the cheapest
massage parlor I can go it
‘s usually some kind of a foot reflexology place
and I go for an hour not for the massage but
because I know I will just have to sit there
for an hour and live with my thoughts, think, and reflect.
And that has led to some
of the biggest business breakthroughs that we’ve had
as well as some really,
really big breakthroughs in the area of self-awareness but you need
every single day at least 10 minutes of this
if you care at all about self-awareness.
I’m going to talk
about meditation in a future video but one thing that I think
that is worth calling out that you can get
on your calendar once a week would be therapy
or counseling and to do that. I want
to thank our sponsor for this video, BetterHelp. Now,
BetterHelp is something that I’ve used; they have licensed counselors
that you can talk to from your home in order to
work through some of the issues the problems that you may have.
And in talking to the counselor that I had,
I realized that I am not really as close
to my family as I would like to
be and I started reaching out more often —
about setting up potential family trips and that sorts of thing —
but it gives you that space that I just referenced.
It gives you an impartial third
party who’s going to reflect back to you
the things that you are saying
and hopefully catch you in the areas where you
are being less than honest with yourself.
In addition, I’ve done this sort
of thing with therapy and counseling previous in my life;
it led to what I think is the most valuable
video that I’ve ever made on this channel,
Why you Don’t Feel Good Enough.
If you haven’t checked that out,
go ahead but that was a direct result
of a therapy session that I had after a rough breakup.
So if you are someone that has been
considering therapy or could use someone to talk to
but the idea of getting up and going
into their office has just been daunting —
you didn’t want to see other people
or you don’t want to clear your schedule for it —
consider checking out BetterHelp.
You can do it from your home;
you’ll be talking to a licensed therapist
and some excellent way to create the space that I mentioned for self-awareness.
So in order to do that,
go ahead and click the link below;
and you can go to start your therapy sessions now.
I hope that you have enjoyed this video;
let me know if you have any questions
because self-awareness is something that I have been increasingly interested in.
I’ve been blown away by the ways in which I lack it,
the ways in which I have the capacity
for self-deception and it is still something that I am personally working to better.
So if there’s any sort of conversation you
want to start in the comments, I’ll
be keeping a special eye on this video.
I hope that you guys enjoyed this.
Click Subscribe if you have not yet and hit that
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