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如何学会享受独处

How To Be Alone Without Feeling Lonely

在这个频道 我们谈论了许多
I talk a lot on this channel about
如何让你身边围绕
how you can surround yourself with people
你真心喜欢和同样喜欢你的人
that you really like and who like you back.
但事实上 无论你多有魅力
But the truth is no matter how charismatic you are,
你总是要自己独自度过一些时光
you’re going to spend time alone.
事实上 是大部分的时光
In fact, probably a lot of time and
我不希望你觉得
I don’t want you to feel like
独处时会有恶魔出现
that’s some kind of boogeyman.
所以不管你是在周五的晚上偶尔感到孤独
So whether you’re alone for a Friday night just once
还是因为你朋友都有情侣而你没有 所以孤独
or you’re feeling alone because your friends all have significant others and you don’t
我想在这个视频中谈谈
I want to talk in this video about
你怎样能在一个人独处时
how you can be alone physically
不必感到孤独
without necessarily feeling lonely and
而且我希望 不需要通过联欢
I want to do this without needing to rely on
或是和别人交流来达到这个目的
reaching out or connecting with other people.
事实是 你不需要通过和别人交流来缓解孤独
Because the truth is you don’t need to connect with
这就是第一个理念
That’s the first mindset.
因为孤独并没有对立面
It’s that loneliness doesn’t have its opposite and
而被一群人环绕 即使是喜欢你的人
being surrounded by people, even people who love you.
我不知道你的情况
I don’t know about you.
但是在我的经历中 当我感到悲伤时
But there have been times in my life where I was sad
我朋友试图让我振作起来
and my friends in an attempt to cheer me up,
带我出去玩
took me out.
我只记得坐在那里吃着东西
And I can remember sitting there eating food
周围的朋友都关注我
with all my friends all focused on me
我还是觉得相当的孤独和孤立无助
and feeling incredibly lonely and isolated.
而相反的是
On the converse, there been times
当我在自己的公寓里面
where I’ve been alone in my apartment,
没人发短信 没人打电话 没有任何计划
nobody’s texted. Nobody’s Cohen, got no plans.
我却一点都没有这种感觉
And I haven’t felt that at all.
这是因为孤独的对立面就是联系
It’s because the opposite of loneliness is connection.
这不是仅指和人进行联系
And it doesn’t mean connection to a person.
可以是和有趣的想法的联系
That could be connection to a really interesting idea.
或是和自然的联系
It can be connection to nature,
或是和动物的联系
be connection to an animal,
和广大世界的联系
connection to the world at large
乃至是和你自己的联系
or even just connecting to yourself.
这就是我们应对孤独时
Both this is what we’re looking for
想要找的
when we’re trying to deal with loneliness.
不是让你自己置于人群中
It’s not to surround yourself with people.
如果你是这个目标 你会感到孤单
You will feel lonely if you make that your goal.
你一辈子都可以热热闹闹的
You can be surrounded by people your whole life and
但还是会感到不可思议的孤独
still feel incredibly lonely.
那我们该怎么做呢
So how do we do this?
事实上 我们经常不得不做
Because the truth is that we’re often compelled
那些让我们感到更孤独的事
do things that just make us feel more lonely
我们让自己置于不那么亲密的朋友当中
We surround ourselves with friends
只是为了不感到孤独 这不管用
In an attempt to stave off loneliness, it doesn’t work.
那怎么知道我们该做什么呢?
How do we know what we should do?
这就是第二部分 我把它称为
That’s the second piece and it’s something that
预期电子表格
I call the prediction spreadsheet.
这个方法来源于认知行为理论
This comes from cognitive behavioral therapy and
而且真的帮助我
it really helped me deal with
面对我自己的孤独
some of the lonely feelings that I would have.
我变成了非常外向的人
I have become quite an extroverted person.
而在周五的晚上
And there were Friday nights,
我刚开始到圣莫妮卡市时
when I first moved to Santa Monica
我的朋友都还没有到这里
before my other friends got here,
我一个人呆在空空荡荡 没有家具的公寓里
where I was alone in an empty apartment with no furniture
我那时非常非常的紧张
And I was very very nervous about that.
我记得在周三晚上
I remember on Wednesday going.
没有人在这 城里没有任何的朋友
But he’s here. I don’t really have any friends in town yet.
我该做什么呢?
What am I gonna do and
然后变得很紧张
getting anxious about it, but the spreadsheet helped me.
但是预期电子表格帮助了我
but the spreadsheet helped me
我这时候做的是
Because what I was doing at this time was
写下预期电子表格
writing in on the spreadsheet.
你可以用你的手机备忘录来做
You can use your phone notes to do this
今天要做的所有事情
all the activities that I had lined up for that day.
所以我大概有 比如
so it might look like I have you know lunch
和将要见面的人一起吃饭
with this person that I’m gonna meet.
或者是在公园里散步 或者理发
I might have this walk in the park. Maybe I have a haircut
甚至是晚上一个人呆着什么都不做
and then hanging out alone at night with nothing to do.
在旁边的第二栏写上
The second column the thing that you right next to that
你预计会满足的事情
is your predicted satisfaction,
你可以从1到10来给它们评级
out of scale of one to ten that you’re gonna get for that.
比如说吃中饭是7分
So maybe I thought lunch was gonna be a seven.
因为我要见到某人
Because I’m gonna meet someone.
也许会是8分
Maybe even an eight.
理发就是6分 这有点无聊
The haircut was gonna be a six a little bit boring.
接下来我的晚上
But then when we got to the nighttime
我一个人呆着 所以就是3分
and I was alone well that was gonna be a three
这个有点糟糕
that was gonna be terrible.
当你做这个电子表格的时候
And what you see when you do this spreadsheet first off
在开始时 写下你希望你的一天是什么感觉
is how you anticipate the emotions of your day going
还有你今天给自己施加的焦虑 也可以缺项
and all the anxieties you build into your day just by default
你意识到的第二件事是
And the second thing you realize
这些事情完全不一样
is how completely off these are.
因为当你度过这一天时
Because as you’re going throughout your day,
你实际上不停的在脑中记录
you’re actually taking mental notes and
你会像往常那样和这个人一起午餐
you’re going as usual at lunch with this person you go.
我现在感觉怎样?是7分还是8分
How am I feeling is this a seven and eight. Yeah.
好吧 8分
This is an eight great.
理发?其实也不是那么无聊
The haircut actually wasn’t so bad.
我给它也可以评个7分
It was just a seven as I sat here and then you get to the night
然后到了晚上
then you get to the night
你和我一样 觉得一个人独处是3分
and you’re expecting a three like I was
然后突然觉得 现在也很棒
and all of a sudden,It was awesome. It was an eight.
我一个人在公寓里可以玩吉它
I was alone in my apartment with my guitar.
我还有Kindle
I had a Kindle.
我一个人读书然后玩音乐 感觉非常棒
I was reading and playing music and I felt fantastic.
奇怪的是 如果我不用电子表格
The weird thing is without this spreadsheet
我就不会更新我的意识
I’m not updating my software,
一部分的我认为 噢不 这个也许只是意外
part of me thinks that oh no that was a fluke and
但直到我把它写下来
it’s not until I started writing this stuff down
我发现 不是意外
that I realized holy cow.
天啊 我真的挺喜欢一个人呆着的
I actually do enjoy my alone time,
比我自己想象的更喜欢
a lot more than I expected
然后就到了第三部分
and that takes me to the third piece,
我已经意识到我喜欢自己的独处时间
which is yes. I learned that I enjoyed my alone time,
但我已经花了太多的时间
but I also learned that I spent a lot of time
去期待和做那些让我不怎么快乐的事情
looking forward and doing things that didn’t make me happy.
目前为止 我最不喜欢的事
And by far the NO.1 thing for me
就是使用社交媒体
was using social media
我建议你 不要跳过电子表格
Now for you, I don’t recommend skipping that spreadsheet,
完成这个表格
do that spreadsheet find out what genuinely
找到你真实喜欢的事情
makes you surprisingly happy and what genuinely surprises you
或是你没有想到的真正让你沮丧的事
that it makes you upset.
但对我来说 使用Instagram Facebook
But for me, using Instagram, Facebook
或者任何需要不停划动屏幕的软件
in any sort of amount where I’m scrolling the feed
对于我的精神健康都是种折磨
was torturous to my mental health
我并不是在夸张
and I don’t mean to be hyperbolic here.
但这个确实是我
But it was probably the worst part of
每天或者任何一天做的最糟糕的事了
my entire day, any day that I did it.
所以我就把Facebook卸载掉
So instead what I did was I deleted the Facebook app
然后用一些推送过滤软件
and I got newsfeed Eradicator which is this.
比如说 使用谷歌浏览器
I think it’s an app for Google Chrome
可以让你在使用Facebook时不收到推送
that allows you to not see the newsfeed when you use Facebook.
所以你还是可以每天登录一次Facebook 查看最新动态
So you can still check your updates once a day.
我仍然保留了Instagram 因为有业务
Instagram, I keep it I have a business
我每个月更新一次
and I post once a month on there
但是我不让自己
But what I have done is
去浏览这些推送
not allow myself to scroll the feet
当你把推送屏蔽了
when you cut the feed out of these.
你就不会再试着
You realize that you’re no longer
通过软件去联接
trying to connect with an app.
因为当人们在滚动屏幕时
Because when people scroll these,
实际上就是想和外界进行联接
I think part of them is trying to form a connection with these photos
比如关注照片和别人的生活
with these photos in these other people’s lies
而这种对比 让我们感觉非常糟糕
and it’s just comparing and feeling like crap.
所以我强烈建议
So I really really recommend explore
试着减少使用或直接卸载社交软件
reducing or removing social media and the ones
以及那些我发现太占用时间的软件
that I’ve seen that are the greatest offenders and
我相信有研究建议人们减少使用它们
I believe I’ve read studies that have backed this up.
比如Instagram Facebook
Our Instagram and Facebook. Luckily YouTube as I believe
我记得YouTube好像是在清单的最下面
was on the bottom of that list.
因为我们不需要它们的社交功能去完成工作
that social component to work.
好了 现在我要说的第四件事
Now, the third thing that I would say after this is
你已经找到自己不想做的事了
you’ve got these lists of things you don’t want to do.
你想形成习惯
You want to build habits of the things that
只做自己意外喜欢的事情
surprise you with how fun they are.
对我来说 意外喜欢的有散步
For me of some of them that shocked me, walking.
我觉得自然的力量是很多人没想到的
I think nature is so underrated by
尤其是像我这种在互联网行业工作的人
so many of us, especially people like me
在户外的休闲时间
spending time outside, feeling the Sun on my skin absolutely amazing
感知自然碰触自己的皮肤 绝对是很棒的体验
feeling the Sun on my skin absolutely amazing
如果天气很冷 只要你可以出去散步 那就去
if you have cold weather but you can take a walk whatever it is,do it.
我还喜欢音乐
For me also music
我不是经常玩
I don’t play it enough.
但是我有吉它 有麦克风 有乐板
But I have guitars. I have microphones. I can plug my loop pedal in
而我玩音乐的时候非常的开心
and I have a blast whenever I do
我想到的最后一个是读书
that and the last thing that I saw was just reading
我以前非常喜欢读书
I used to love reading
但由于某些原因 我工作后就读的少了
but for some reason I didn’t spend as much time doing it when I was working
如果我每天多花些时间阅读
now that I’ve built more time into my day that I can read
我会感觉这一天非常开心
I actually just feel happier throughout my day
独处并不用去想 噢不 我该做什么
and being alone doesn’t have that feeling of oh no what’ll I do
而是感觉兴奋 因为可以看这么多书了
I get excited because I have this book lined up
我还有最后一点要说
and this takes me to the last piece so
你已经意识到了 孤独其实是因为联接
So you realize that loneliness is really about connecting
你把它们从自己生活中排除
and you cut the things out of your life
比如让你产生误觉的联接 实际让你更空虚
that are giving you this false sense of connection and leaving you empty
然后你开始形成建立更多联接的习惯
and you start to build more habits in that make you feel connected.
但是偶尔 你也需要做一些特殊的事情
But from time to time, you need to do something special
比如和很亲密很重要的朋友
and this is what we do with significant others and friends
我们会做约会计划
We planned dates, right. We go to the movies.
我们会去看电影 或是做按摩
Sometimes we get a massage.
或者泡个澡 来个蜡烛晚餐
We get a draw back and we have candles.
我们常做一些特别的
We do this special stuff
让别人感觉很好的事情
that just treats that other person nice.
但是自己一个人却没这么做
But we don’t do that with ourselves.
我们觉得一个去电影院会很奇怪
We think it would be weird to go to a movie by yourself.
即使有非常想看的电影
Even though there’s something that we really want to see
或者一个人泡澡也太浪漫了
or to draw a bath by yourself, would be too romantic to do
而一个人做按摩就更是奢侈放纵了
just by ourselves and to get a massage that would be self indulgent.
不管你是什么情况
Whatever it is for you,
想想约会时 你真正喜欢的东西
think of the things that you really enjoy about dates.
也许是去非常好吃的餐馆
Maybe it’s going to a really tasty restaurant
而且你只会和自己爱人一起去那儿
and you only get to do that when you’re with as a significant.
另外 你需要学着期待这段感情
other,you will learn to crave that relationship
即使你并不需要它
even if you don’t need it
因为只有谈恋爱时 你才会这样善待自己
because you only give yourself those treats when you’re in a relationship
所以你偶尔要做的就是 为了自己的精神健康
so what you need to do from time to time to improve your own mental health
还有未来的恋爱关系
and the future relationships that you get in
就是带自己一个人约会
take yourself on dates splurge
偶尔挥霍和放任自己
these self-indulgent from time to time
我觉得这对我的精神健康非常有帮助
I think very very fantastic for my mental health
我去那些足浴店
I go to these foot reflexology places
我一个人放松坐着 然后记下很多的视频灵感
I write honestly a lot of these videos come to me when I’m just sitting there
那段时光也非常的美好
relaxing and I have a great time
所以如果你现在非常孤独的话
so if you are alone right now
我希望这段视频有所帮助 让你感到联接
I hope that this has helped you to feel connected I hope that some of these videos help
如果没有帮助 那就做一个电子表格 找到它们
and if not do the prediction spreadsheet and find what does
非常感谢你们观看这个视频
so thank you guys for watching this video
很抱歉我脸上的胡茬看起来这么邋遢
I apologize for having so much goofy little scruff but I’m growing it out
我留胡子是希望这个是我穿过最好玩的万圣节扮装
for what I hope is gonna be the most fun Halloween costume that I’ve done
我很期待这个节日
in years so I’m looking forward to that.
祝今天愉快 希望在下期节目再见
have a wonderful day and I look forward to seeing you guys in the next video.

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视频概述

独处时不觉得孤单的五种方法

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

果子

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMGkNUSdya8

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