I talk a lot on this channel about
how you can surround yourself with people
that you really like and who like you back.
But the truth is no matter how charismatic you are,
you’re going to spend time alone.
In fact, probably a lot of time and
I don’t want you to feel like
that’s some kind of boogeyman.
So whether you’re alone for a Friday night just once
or you’re feeling alone because your friends all have significant others and you don’t
I want to talk in this video about
how you can be alone physically
without necessarily feeling lonely and
I want to do this without needing to rely on
reaching out or connecting with other people.
Because the truth is you don’t need to connect with
That’s the first mindset.
It’s that loneliness doesn’t have its opposite and
being surrounded by people, even people who love you.
I don’t know about you.
But there have been times in my life where I was sad
and my friends in an attempt to cheer me up,
took me out.
And I can remember sitting there eating food
with all my friends all focused on me
and feeling incredibly lonely and isolated.
On the converse, there been times
where I’ve been alone in my apartment,
没人发短信 没人打电话 没有任何计划
nobody’s texted. Nobody’s Cohen, got no plans.
And I haven’t felt that at all.
It’s because the opposite of loneliness is connection.
And it doesn’t mean connection to a person.
That could be connection to a really interesting idea.
It can be connection to nature,
be connection to an animal,
connection to the world at large
or even just connecting to yourself.
Both this is what we’re looking for
when we’re trying to deal with loneliness.
It’s not to surround yourself with people.
You will feel lonely if you make that your goal.
You can be surrounded by people your whole life and
still feel incredibly lonely.
So how do we do this?
Because the truth is that we’re often compelled
do things that just make us feel more lonely
We surround ourselves with friends
In an attempt to stave off loneliness, it doesn’t work.
How do we know what we should do?
That’s the second piece and it’s something that
I call the prediction spreadsheet.
This comes from cognitive behavioral therapy and
it really helped me deal with
some of the lonely feelings that I would have.
I have become quite an extroverted person.
And there were Friday nights,
when I first moved to Santa Monica
before my other friends got here,
where I was alone in an empty apartment with no furniture
And I was very very nervous about that.
I remember on Wednesday going.
But he’s here. I don’t really have any friends in town yet.
What am I gonna do and
getting anxious about it, but the spreadsheet helped me.
but the spreadsheet helped me
Because what I was doing at this time was
writing in on the spreadsheet.
You can use your phone notes to do this
all the activities that I had lined up for that day.
so it might look like I have you know lunch
with this person that I’m gonna meet.
I might have this walk in the park. Maybe I have a haircut
and then hanging out alone at night with nothing to do.
The second column the thing that you right next to that
is your predicted satisfaction,
out of scale of one to ten that you’re gonna get for that.
So maybe I thought lunch was gonna be a seven.
Because I’m gonna meet someone.
Maybe even an eight.
The haircut was gonna be a six a little bit boring.
But then when we got to the nighttime
and I was alone well that was gonna be a three
that was gonna be terrible.
And what you see when you do this spreadsheet first off
is how you anticipate the emotions of your day going
and all the anxieties you build into your day just by default
And the second thing you realize
is how completely off these are.
Because as you’re going throughout your day,
you’re actually taking mental notes and
you’re going as usual at lunch with this person you go.
How am I feeling is this a seven and eight. Yeah.
This is an eight great.
The haircut actually wasn’t so bad.
It was just a seven as I sat here and then you get to the night
then you get to the night
and you’re expecting a three like I was
and all of a sudden,It was awesome. It was an eight.
I was alone in my apartment with my guitar.
I had a Kindle.
I was reading and playing music and I felt fantastic.
The weird thing is without this spreadsheet
I’m not updating my software,
一部分的我认为 噢不 这个也许只是意外
part of me thinks that oh no that was a fluke and
it’s not until I started writing this stuff down
that I realized holy cow.
I actually do enjoy my alone time,
a lot more than I expected
and that takes me to the third piece,
which is yes. I learned that I enjoyed my alone time,
but I also learned that I spent a lot of time
looking forward and doing things that didn’t make me happy.
And by far the NO.1 thing for me
was using social media
Now for you, I don’t recommend skipping that spreadsheet,
do that spreadsheet find out what genuinely
makes you surprisingly happy and what genuinely surprises you
that it makes you upset.
但对我来说 使用Instagram Facebook
But for me, using Instagram, Facebook
in any sort of amount where I’m scrolling the feed
was torturous to my mental health
and I don’t mean to be hyperbolic here.
But it was probably the worst part of
my entire day, any day that I did it.
So instead what I did was I deleted the Facebook app
and I got newsfeed Eradicator which is this.
I think it’s an app for Google Chrome
that allows you to not see the newsfeed when you use Facebook.
So you can still check your updates once a day.
Instagram, I keep it I have a business
and I post once a month on there
But what I have done is
not allow myself to scroll the feet
when you cut the feed out of these.
You realize that you’re no longer
trying to connect with an app.
Because when people scroll these,
I think part of them is trying to form a connection with these photos
with these photos in these other people’s lies
and it’s just comparing and feeling like crap.
So I really really recommend explore
reducing or removing social media and the ones
that I’ve seen that are the greatest offenders and
I believe I’ve read studies that have backed this up.
Our Instagram and Facebook. Luckily YouTube as I believe
was on the bottom of that list.
that social component to work.
Now, the third thing that I would say after this is
you’ve got these lists of things you don’t want to do.
You want to build habits of the things that
surprise you with how fun they are.
For me of some of them that shocked me, walking.
I think nature is so underrated by
so many of us, especially people like me
spending time outside, feeling the Sun on my skin absolutely amazing
feeling the Sun on my skin absolutely amazing
如果天气很冷 只要你可以出去散步 那就去
if you have cold weather but you can take a walk whatever it is,do it.
For me also music
I don’t play it enough.
但是我有吉它 有麦克风 有乐板
But I have guitars. I have microphones. I can plug my loop pedal in
and I have a blast whenever I do
that and the last thing that I saw was just reading
I used to love reading
but for some reason I didn’t spend as much time doing it when I was working
now that I’ve built more time into my day that I can read
I actually just feel happier throughout my day
独处并不用去想 噢不 我该做什么
and being alone doesn’t have that feeling of oh no what’ll I do
I get excited because I have this book lined up
and this takes me to the last piece so
So you realize that loneliness is really about connecting
and you cut the things out of your life
that are giving you this false sense of connection and leaving you empty
and you start to build more habits in that make you feel connected.
But from time to time, you need to do something special
and this is what we do with significant others and friends
We planned dates, right. We go to the movies.
Sometimes we get a massage.
We get a draw back and we have candles.
We do this special stuff
that just treats that other person nice.
But we don’t do that with ourselves.
We think it would be weird to go to a movie by yourself.
Even though there’s something that we really want to see
or to draw a bath by yourself, would be too romantic to do
just by ourselves and to get a massage that would be self indulgent.
Whatever it is for you,
think of the things that you really enjoy about dates.
Maybe it’s going to a really tasty restaurant
and you only get to do that when you’re with as a significant.
other，you will learn to crave that relationship
even if you don’t need it
because you only give yourself those treats when you’re in a relationship
so what you need to do from time to time to improve your own mental health
and the future relationships that you get in
take yourself on dates splurge
these self-indulgent from time to time
I think very very fantastic for my mental health
I go to these foot reflexology places
I write honestly a lot of these videos come to me when I’m just sitting there
relaxing and I have a great time
so if you are alone right now
I hope that this has helped you to feel connected I hope that some of these videos help
如果没有帮助 那就做一个电子表格 找到它们
and if not do the prediction spreadsheet and find what does
so thank you guys for watching this video
I apologize for having so much goofy little scruff but I’m growing it out
for what I hope is gonna be the most fun Halloween costume that I’ve done
in years so I’m looking forward to that.
have a wonderful day and I look forward to seeing you guys in the next video.