试着做我们自己更好的朋友
Trying to be a better friend to yourself
听起来这似乎是一个有点古怪的念头
sounds like an odd idea.
一开始的时候的确如此
Initially
因为我们会自然地会想象其他人
because we naturally imagine a friend
来当我们的朋友
as someone else,
而不是让我们自己的思想的一部分来当我们的朋友
not as a part of our own mind.
但这种观点有它的价值
But there is value in the concept
因为我们知道该用什么程度的
because of the extent to which we know how
同情心和想象力
to treat our own friends,
来对待我们的朋友
with the sympathy and imagination
但我们却很少这样
we seldom apply,
来对待我们自己
to ourselves.
如果一个朋友遇到了麻烦
If a friend is in trouble
我们的第一反应不是告诉他们
our first instinct is rarely to tell them
他们根本就是
that they are fundamentally
一个彻底的白痴和失败者
a sh*thead and a failure
如果一个朋友在抱怨他的合作伙伴
If a friend complains that their partner
对他不够友好
isn’t very warm to them,
我们也不会说他们这是他们活该
we don’t tell them they’re getting what they deserve
我们反而会安慰他说对方在本质上还是可爱的
we try to re-assure them that they’re essentially likeable
并且是值得你去深入了解
and that it’s worth investigating
如何与他们相处的
what might be done.
在对别人的友情中
In friendship
我们本能的懂得
we know instinctively
如何才能用计谋巧妙地去安慰他人
how to deploy strategies of wisdom and consolation
但我们却拒绝用同样的方法
that we stubbornly refuse to apply
来对待我们自己
to ourselves.
好朋友做出的
There are some key moves
一些关键举措
a good friend would typically make
也可以为我们提供一个
which can provide a model
在大脑中如何在思想上
for what we should, ideally
对待我们自己的模板
be doing with ourselves, in our own heads.
首先 好朋友应该像你喜欢他那般喜欢你
Firstly, a good friend likes you pretty much as you already are.
任何他们提出的建议或者是
Any suggestion they make or
告诉你该如何去改变
ambition they have about how you could change
都应该建立在你能接受的范围内
builds on a background of acceptance.
当他们提出你应该尝试一个不同的策略时
When they propose that you might try a different tack
切记这并不是对你的最后通牒或是威胁
it’s not an ultimatum or a threat.
他们并不是说要你去改变或者彻底放弃
They’re not saying that you have to change or be abandoned.
有朋友的支持
A friend insists
我们就已经很满足了
we’re good enough, already,
而当他们想要来帮助我们
but they want to join forces with us
一同去解决困难时
to solve a challenge they feel
我们定能从克服困难中获益良多
we would properly benefit, from overcoming.
在不阿谀奉承的同时
Without being flattering,
好朋友也会一直坚定地认为
good friends also constantly keep in mind
有些事 我们做的是对的！
certain things, we’re getting right!
他们从不会觉得(背景欢呼声)
They don’t think anything wrong (background cheering)
适当的夸奖（背景欢呼声）
with the odd compliment (background cheering)
或是突出我们的优点有什么不对（背景欢呼声）
and emphasis on our strengths. (background cheering)
这可能有些恼人
It’s quietly galling
我们十分容易忽视
how easily we can lose sight of
我们的长处
all our own good points,
当遇到困难时
when troubles strike.
但朋友绝不会这样
A friend doesn’t fall into this trap.
他们看见这些困难
They can acknowledge the difficulties
但同时他们也还记着
while still holding on to a memory
我们的优点
of our virtues.
好朋友是富有同情心的
The good friend is compassionate;
当我们失败的时候 当然 我们会有失败的时候
when we fail, as we will
他们会理解我
they are understanding
并慷慨的与我们站在一起面对我们周围的失败与苦难
and generous around our mishaps.
我们的笨拙并没有使他们放弃对我们的友爱
Our folly, doesn’t exclude them from the circle of their love.
好朋友会让我们明白
The good friend definitely conveys
犯错 失败 将事情搞砸
that to err, fail and screw up
是人们常做的事
is just what we humans do.
我们从孩提时代起
We all emerge from childhood
性格里就带有偏见
with various biases in our character
这些性格里的偏见逐渐变成帮助我们应对
which evolved to help us cope with our
我们那亲近但却不完美的父母的办法
necessarily imperfect parents
这些后天养成的思维习惯
and these acquired habits of mind
会让我们在以后的成人生活里举步维艰
will reliably let us down in adult life.
但我们不会被怪罪
But, we’re not to be blamed because
因为我们并非刻意为之
we didn’t deliberately set out to be like this.
事实上我们真的没有太多更好的选择
We didn’t realistically, have a lot of better options
我们被寄予厚望
We’re indelibly required
去做出伟大的决定
to make big decisions
在我们还不能真正了解厉害关系
before we ever really understand what’s at stake
或者不清楚我们的选择会产生怎样的结果的时候
or how our choices will play out.
我们在一切大的变动中都是盲目的 无论关于爱
We steering blind in all our large moves around love
还是工作
and work.
我们会选择搬去不同的城市
We opt for a move to a different city
但很担忧发展前景
but we can’t possibly know whether we’re going to flourish there
我们很小的时候就开始选择职业道路
We have to select a career path when we’re still young
但无法预料所有的未知需求
and we don’t know what our latent needs will be
尤其是在这样长期的发展过程中
in long term relationships
我们对他人做出承诺
We have to make a commitment to another person
在我们了解承诺具体内容之前
before we understand what it will be like
就将我们的生活和他人紧密联系起来
to tie our lives, so deeply to theirs’
好朋友会明白
The good friend knows
事实上失败并不罕见
that failures are not in fact, rare
失败使
They bring as a starting point
失败自身甚至人类的各色困窘
their own and humanity’s vivid experience of messing up
经历
into play
有了成为前车之鉴的可能
as key points of reference.
他们不断地告诉我们
They’re continually telling us
我们每个人遇到的情景可能是独特的
that our specific case, might be unique
但是总体构造是普通的
but that the general structure, is common.
人们不只是会失败
People, don’t just sometimes fail
每个人都会失败
Everyone fails,
只是我们不知道这一点
only, we don’t know about it
这是讽刺的 但本质上是充满希望的
It’s ironic, yet essentially hopeful
我们都知道
that we usually know quite well
怎么更好的成为
how to be a better friend
身边的陌生人的好朋友
to near strangers
而不是对我们自己
than we know how to be, to ourselves.
希望就在于
The hopefulness lies in the fact that we do
我们早已拥有
actually already possess
合适的方法去对待友情
the relevant skills of friendship.
我们只是没有把它们
It’s just, we haven’t as yet directed them
用到更需要的
to the person, who probably
人身上
needs the most
这个人就是
namely,
当然
of course
我们自己
ourselves.