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怎样和伴侣理论? – 译学馆
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How To Argue With Your Partner

Arguments in relationships are typically so regrettable and often so bitter, it’s natural
to hope we might – with greater maturity – overcome them once and for all. But given
但是鉴于人的天性 把这个作为目标是不明智的 我们不能希望
what human nature is actually like, it would be unwise to make this our goal: the hope can’t be
一起消除争论 而应该是试图找到更好的争论方式
to eliminate arguments altogether, it should be to try to find our way to a better kind
通常当对方突然表现得看似非常自私 不让步或者十足的卑鄙的时候
of argument. Arguments tend to start when we are confronted – usually rather suddenly
– by what appears to us to be the radical selfishness, intransigence or sheer nastiness
of the partner. It is extremely tempting to react with equal force. We aren’t, after
我们毕竟不是一个易被打败的人 我们受伤之后一定要反击
all, a pushover. We have been hurt and must hurt back. We will make them suffer as they
我们要以牙还牙 我们会用不同的方式给对方施加痛苦
have made us suffer. There may be variations in just how we opt to inflict the suffering.
也许我们会大声喊叫 或者用力摔门 或许带着怨气地勉强维持关系
Perhaps we’ll do a lot of shouting. Or slam a door. Or maybe we’ll eke this one out
但是根本原则是相同的:我们受到了伤害 必须惩罚对方
with a sulk. But the underlying principle is the same: we have been hurt and we have
但此时 我们也许应该问一下我们真正要寻求的是什么 毕竟
to punish. But at this point, we might ask what we’re really seeking. After all, we
我们不是要实施法律制裁 或者为了正义而惩罚对方
are not trying to administer abstract justice or punish for the sake of it. This isn’t
这不是刑事法庭或者校长办公室 我们在亲密关系中真正要寻求的
a criminal court or the headmaster’s office. What we’re truly seeking in a close relationship
是更感人的东西 我们想让对方适当地爱我们
is something much more touching: we want the other person to love us properly and to be
对我们更好 所以我们才会摔门 叫他们混蛋
kinder. That’s why we’re slamming the door, calling them a fuckwit and have been
才会在早餐之后就假装他们不存在 出人意料的是 在我们受伤之后
pretending they don’t exist since breakfast. Surprisingly, almost the last thing we ever
do when we’ve been very hurt is to say that we’ve been very hurt. It feels just too
对于我们来说 把伤痛展现给那个罪魁祸首
humiliating to reveal our wound to the person who inflicted it, to show ourselves as vulnerable
把脆弱展示给那个看起来似乎会无法容忍地羞辱我们的人 会使我们感到丢脸
in front of the very individual who – it seems – has unbearably abused our vulnerability.
这是非常能理解的 却不会使事情有什么进展
This is both hugely understandable and doesn’t advance things in the least, because we’re
因为我们的感情处于不安全状态 我们要找到亲密关系
not in a relationship to be emotionally safe, we’re there to find connection. An act of
retribution, while it may give us a momentary impression of impregnability, never increases
our chances of obtaining the love and understanding we’ve formed a couple in order to derive.
我们可能会考虑一种不同的 有点自相矛盾的方式
We might consider a different and slightly paradoxical approach: we might, exactly at
就在对方伤害到我们的时候 我们可能不是给以反击
the moment when we’ve been wounded by our partner, instead of hitting back, make what
而是庄重地声明伤害和恐惧 我们不会暴怒
we could term A Dignified Avowal of Hurt and Fear. Rather than get furious, we might attempt
我们可能会试图转变语言风格 直接坦白并强调是什么使我们苦恼
to move register and get directly at what is ailing us through a twofold admission.
我们可能会说 首先 我感到很受伤 我感情上信任的人竟然
We might say, firstly: I’m so hurt that someone I’ve put my emotional trust in should
对我说那样的话或者做那样的事 其次(这是需要勇气的)我们可以加上
say or do that to me. And secondly, (this takes proper courage), we might add: I’m
我感到很害怕 我竟然把深深的感情表露给
so frightened that I should be emotionally deeply exposed to someone who would appear
这样伤害我的人 这应该会让对方停下来思考 我们没有按照常规方式侮辱
to hurt me like this. This should give the partner pause for thought. One hasn’t insulted
them or hurt them back in the usual way – which is what typically blocks their ears and sets
攻击再反击这样恶性循环 我们是不失尊严的 诚实的
off a vicious cycle of attack and counterattack. We are being dignified and honest. We aren’t
我们不猛烈抨击 也不祈求对方 不强势 也不软弱
lashing out, but nor are we begging. We are neither being very strong, nor very weak.
不用拳猛击 也不匍匐前进 我们只是静静地站着
We are neither punching nor crawling. We are just standing still, admitting our genuine
诚恳地用泰然自若的语气承认我们的悲伤 恐惧和不加修饰 在局外人看来
sadness, fear and nakedness in a tone of marked self-possession. Too often, arguments become
我们的争论经常是无止境的 有些癫狂的 因为双方都不承认自己是
interminable and, to outsiders, slightly daft because both people refuse to admit that they’re
悲伤的而不是刻薄的 这不是什么时间去机场或者轮到谁
sad not mean. It isn’t what time to leave for the airport or whose turn it is to do
洗餐具这些引起争论的问题 而是通过不同的途径 双方
the dishes that’s created the argument. It’s that both parties are, in different
感到没有为人所爱 被误解了——但是拒绝用大量的言语去表达这样的感受
ways, feeling unloved and misunderstood – but are refusing to say this in quite so many
在一个更明智的社会 我们要在学校至少花四年的时间学习争论
words. In a wiser society, we’d study arguments at school for at least four years (they’re
(它和代数一样复杂 但是更重要)如果我们能泰然自若 以不失尊严的语气承认
as complicated as algebra and more important) and we’d all get a lot better at confessing
所受的伤害 双方都会好很多 我们要心平气和地承认 尽管我们
our wounds in a tone of self-possessed dignity. We’d admit with calm that, though we’re
在生活中的大部分领域都有很强的能力 现在 在夫妻关系方面
capable and strong in most areas of our lives, here, right now, in the arena of the relationship,
我们受到了伤害 很害怕 但是我们足够勇敢和成熟 也足够坚定
we are hurt and scared – and yet are brave and mature enough, as well committed enough
去爱 敢于用最朴素最诚恳的话告诉对方这些
to love, to dare to tell the partner so in the plainest, most undecorated and most heartfelt
words. We might save ourselves a lot of time.
我们相信可以把世界变成一个情商更高的地方 为了实现那个目标 现在我们已经出版了一些不同凡响的书
We believe in making the world a more emotionally intelligent place and to that end we have now also published some extraordinary books.
As well as other merchandise that reenforces some of the themes illustrated in our videos
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