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怎样不在人际关系中处于防卫姿态

How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

We often operate in romantic life
在我们的情感生活中
under the mistaken view –
经常有这样的误解
unconsciously imported from
这源于法庭或学校辩论
law courts and school debating traditions –
潜移默化的影响
that the person who is “right” or has the stronger case
即“正确”的或更有事实依据的一方
should, legitimately, “win” any argument.
“赢得”争论 是应当且合理的
But this is fundamentally to misunderstand
但从根本上讲
what the point of relationships might be.
是对人际关系处理的误解
It is not to defeat an opponent
在人际关系中 我们的目的不在于打败对手
(there are no prizes for “winning”
(除了自我满足的孤独以外
other than self-satisfied loneliness)
“赢”并没有奖励)
the point is more to try to help each other
而更像是互相帮助
to evolve into the best versions of ourselves.
从而找到我们自己最好的样子
There’s a kind of argument
争论的爆发

into the problems of their partner.
更正确的见解
With a stern, masterful and almost gleeful tone,
他们会以一种严厉 专横甚至幸灾乐祸的语气
“you’ve been drinking too much”;
“你喝太多了”
or “you hogged the conversation at the party”;
“你在派对出尽风头啊”
or “you’re always boasting”;
“你总是在吹牛”
or “you don’t take enough responsibility”;
“你还没有承担一定的责任”
or “you waste far too much time online”;
“你在网上浪费太多时间了”
or “you never take enough exercise”.
“你锻炼还不够啊”
The insight is maybe not wrong;
棘手的是
that is what is so tricky.
你的见解可能是正确的
The critic is correct but they are unable to “win”
这些批评是正确的 但仍没法“赢”
because there are no prizes in love
因为在爱情中 清晰地觉察到
for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners.
另一半的不足之处 没有任何好处
Indeed, paradoxically,
实际上 矛盾的是
by attacking a partner with clinical energy,
当我们冷静客观的批评我们的伴侣时
we reduce our chances
我们达到真正目的的可能性
of ever reaching the real goal:
反而减少了
the evolution of the person we have to live with.
即使这会使我们共同进步
When we’re on the receiving end of a difficult insight into our failings,
当我们面临失败 面对不同意见时
what makes us bristle and deny everything
让我们发怒和否认所有事情的
isn’t generally the accusation itself
通常并不是批评本身
(we know our flaws all too well),
(我们都清楚自己的不足之处)
it’s the surrounding atmosphere.
而是周遭的氛围
We know the other person is right,
我们知道另一方是对的
we just can’t bear to take their criticism on board,
只是难以接受被批评时
given how severely it has been delivered.
所处的严厉氛围
We start to deny everything,
我们开始否定一切
not because the accusations are wrong,
并不是因为这些批评是错的
but because we are terrified:
而是因为我们害怕
the light of truth is shining too brightly.
真相太残酷
The fear is that if we admitted our failings,
我们害怕 一旦承认错误
we would be crushed, shown up as worthless,
我们会被压垮 被证明是没有价值的
required to attempt an arduous, miserable process
被要求在不被同情的情况下
of change without requisite sympathy
尝试难以忍受的悲惨的转变过程
and that unless and until we reform ourselves
除非或直到我们重新塑造了自己
– we would have no claim on the affections or forgiveness of the other.
我们才能 赢得对方的爱与原谅
That’s why we insist that
这就是为什么我们坚称
we do actually do enough exercise,
我们得到了足够的锻炼
that we have been working very hard
我们有努力工作
and that we have never wasted time
我们从来没有在
on any embarrassing websites.
无聊的网站上浪费时间
We feel so burdened with shame and guilt already,
我们已经在羞愧和内疚下备受煎熬
a lover’s further upbraiding feels impossible to listen to.
已听不进爱人更多的责备
There’s too much pre-existing fragility in our psyches
我们有太多预先存在的脆弱的心理
for us to admit to another difficult insight
所以 难以认可指出我们问题的
into what’s wrong with us.
他人的不同的见解
The irony of the defensive argument
具有讽刺意味的是 防卫式的对立争论
is that it’s the overly-confrontational pursuit of truth
正是过分对抗性的追求真理
that will make the truth impossible to reach.
这将会让真理遥不可及
In the philosophy of lying
在谎言的哲学中
there’s a central historical example
有一个重要的历史理念
of what is termed the “just lie”
“正义的谎言”
outlined by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato.
是由古希腊哲学家柏拉图提出的
If a crazed person comes to us
如果一个疯子朝你走来
and asks “where’s the axe?”
问你“斧头在哪里?”
we are entitled to lie and say we don’t know
我们有权撒谎 说我们不知道
because we understand that were we to tell them the truth,
因为我们明白 如果我们和疯子说真话
they would probably use the tool
他就可能用斧子
to do something horrendous to us.
做出一些危险的事
That is, we can reasonably tell a lie
也就是说 当我们的生命处于危险之中
when our life is in danger.
我们的谎言是合理的
In a couple,
在一对情侣中
our partner may not literally be searching for an axe
当伴侣刨根问底时
when they ask us an inquisitorial question,
他们并不是在“找一把斧子”
but psychologically,
但从心理上来讲
this is precisely how we might experience them
这可能恰恰是我们所能体验到的
which makes it at least a little understandable
至少有点能理解的
if we say we simply don’t know what they are talking about.
如果我说 我真的不知道他们在讲什么
It may feel unfair to ask an accuser to
要求指控者为我们的脆弱心理承担责任
take responsibility for our vulnerability.
可能会让人感到不公平
But if they want to help their relationship,
但如果他们想维系好这段关系
they will need to make it abundantly clear
就需要非常清楚地表明
that they won’t ever use the truth
他们不会把真相
(if it is acknowledged)
(若已经确认的)
as a weapon.
作为武器
What is so sad
令人沮丧的是
is how easily we (as the accused) might,
作为被控告方的我们
if only the circumstances were more sympathetic,
要是周围环境更富有同情心
confess to everything.
我们有多容易承认一切
We would in fact love to unburden ourselves
事实上 我们乐于卸下自己的负担
and admit to all that’s broken and wounded in us.
承认我们内心的痛苦与悲伤
The answer is to try and create a situation
关键在于 需要营造一种状态
where both partners accept
让双方都能
that they are flawed but not – on this basis
接受自己的不足 在这基础上
– ever beyond a need for love and kindness,
绝不超过对爱和善良的追求
where the mutual need for evolution is taken as a given
双方都能接受共同的进步
– and where every well-considered criticism
每一个经过深思熟虑的批评
is handled as both correct
都能被接受
and yet needing to be wrapped up
但这需要包裹在
in extraordinary layers of reassurance.
层层的保证之中
There should be a recognition
应当达成的共识是
that people don’t change
人们愿意改变不是因为
when they are told what’s wrong with them;
被告知自己的错误有哪些
they change when they feel sufficiently supported
而是因为感受到了支持的力量
to undertake the change
而改变自己
they (almost always) already know is due.
这时 他们知道是时候改变自己了
It isn’t enough to be sometimes right in relationships,
在一段关系中 仅做到正确并不够
we need to be generous enough in our love
我们还需要学会包容
in order that our partner can admit
这样有益于伴侣
when they are in the wrong.
承认自己的不足
Love is a skill that we can learn.
爱是一种技能 我们都需要去学习
Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm
处理人际关系的书籍 理智地引导我们变得沉着而有魅力
through the key issues of relationships.
解决我们人际关系中的关键问题
To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of luck.
证明了 爱情的成功不是靠运气
For more, click the link now.
了解更多 请点击下方链接

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视频概述

为什么当我们指出恋人和伴侣的问题时,他们总是否认呢?明明提出的问题是对的,但没有取得预期结果?一起来了解沟通技巧,和伴侣共同进步吧!

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

moon

审核员

审核员EL

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhXsqv8b7mE

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