我是一名画家
I’m a painter.
我专攻大型具象绘画
I make large-scale figurative paintings,
也就是说 我画的人物
which means I paint people
都是这样的
like this.
但是我今天来这里 是想和大家分享
But I’m here tonight to tell you about something personal
一些改变了我的作品和想法的私事
that changed my work and my perspective.
这是我们都曾经历过的事
It’s something we all go through,
我希望我的经验对某些人能有帮助
and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.
首先从我的背景说起 我是家里八个孩子中最小的
To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight.
是的 我们家中有八个孩子
Yes, eight kids in my family.
我有六个哥哥和一个姐姐
I have six older brothers and a sister.
为了给你们一种更加直观的感觉
To give you a sense of what that’s like,
我们家出游度假
when my family went on vacation,
都是用大巴的
we had a bus.
（笑声）
(Laughter)
我的超级妈妈会开车把我们送往城中各处
My supermom would drive us all over town
送我们去参加各自的课后活动－
to our various after-school activities —
不是用大巴
not in the bus.
我们家也是有普通车的
We had a regular car, too.
她会把我送去美术课
She would take me to art classes,
各种美术课
and not just one or two.
在我八岁到十六岁之间 她让我参加所有能参加的美术课
She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16,
因为那是我真正想做的
because that’s all I wanted to do.
她甚至在纽约和我一起上课
She even took a class with me in New York City.
作为家中最小的孩子 我学会了一些生存技能
Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills.
规则一
Rule number one:
永远别让你的哥哥们看见你做傻事
don’t let your big brother see you do anything stupid.
所以我学会了安静与干净
So I learned to be quiet and neat
小心行事 遵守规矩
and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.
但是在绘画的世界中就是我说了算
But painting was where I made the rules.
这是我的私人世界
That was my private world.
我十四岁大的时候就决心做一名画家
By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist.
我的宏伟计划是准备当一名服务生来支持我的绘画开支
My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting.
我持续磨练我的技能
So I continued honing my skills.
我进入了研究生院并获得了硕士学位
I went to graduate school and I got an MFA,
在我第一次个人展中 我的哥哥问我
and at my first solo show, my brother asked me,
“那些画旁边的红点是什么意思”
“What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?”
没人比我更加惊讶了
Nobody was more surprised than me.
那些红点意味着画已经卖出
The red dots meant that the paintings were sold
我也就有能力用画画支付
and that I’d be able to pay my rent
我的房租
with painting.
那时 我的公寓有四个插座
Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets,
没法同时使用微波炉和烤面包机
and I couldn’t use a microwave and a toaster at the same time,
但是 我至少可以付清我的租金了
but still, I could pay my rent.
所以我非常高兴
So I was very happy.
这是一幅我当时的绘画作品
Here’s a painting from back around that time.
我希望画中的形象越真实越好
I needed it to be as realistic as possible.
那是非常独特和可信的
It had to be specific and believable.
这是一个让我感到独立 感到有掌控感的地方
This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.
自此 我开始专攻描绘水中的人们
Since then, I’ve made a career of painting people in water.
浴缸和淋浴是完美的封闭环境
Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment.
这些让人们感到亲密而隐秘
It was intimate and private,
水这个复杂的挑战也让我忙了有十年
and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade.
我创作了大约200幅这样的作品
I made about 200 of these paintings,
其中一些有6到8英寸大
some of them six to eight feet,
就跟这幅差不多
like this one.
为了这幅画 我把面粉撒进洗澡水让它看起来烟雾缭绕
For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy
然后在表面浮上一层烹饪油
and I floated cooking oil on the surface
再放上一个女孩
and stuck a girl in it,
当我把它照亮
and when I lit it up,
那画面太美了 我都等不及马上要去画
it was so beautiful I couldn’t wait to paint it.
我被这种冲动的好奇心所驱使
I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity,
总在寻找画作的新元素
always looking for something new to add:
黑胶唱片 水蒸气 玻璃
vinyl, steam, glass.
我曾经把凡士林涂得头上到处都是
I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair
就为了看看效果
just to see what that would look like.
千万别那么做
Don’t do that.
（笑声）
(Laughter)
一切都进行的很顺利
So it was going well.
我寻找着自己的风格
I was finding my way.
被其他的画家包围着
I was eager and motivated
我是如此渴望 如此充满动力
and surrounded by artists,
我去参加各种开幕式和活动
always going to openings and events.
我取得了更多的成功和认可
I was having some success and recognition
所以我能够搬到一个不止四个插座的公寓里去
and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets.
我和妈妈会熬夜谈论
My mom and I would stay up very late
我们的最新想法 从而激励对方
talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other.
她做的陶器很美
She made beautiful pottery.
我有一个叫博的朋友 他画了一幅画
I have a friend named Bo who made this painting
描绘了我和他的妻子在海边跳舞
of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,
他给这幅画取名叫《光年》
and he called it “The Light Years.”
我问他那是什么意思 他回答说
I asked him what that meant, and he said,
“嗯 当你已经步入成年 你就不再是一个孩子
“Well, that’s when you’ve stepped into adulthood, you’re no longer a child,
但你还没有权衡好生活的责任”
but you’re not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life.”
那就是它 就是《光年》
That was it. It was the light years.
2011年10月8日
On October 8, 2011,
光年终于来到了尾声
the light years came to an end.
我的妈妈被诊断为肺癌
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.
癌已经扩散到骨髓和大脑
It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain.
当她告诉我这件事时 我崩溃了
When she told me this, I fell to my knees.
我完全不知所措
I totally lost it.
当我整理好头绪 望向她
And when I got myself together and I looked at her,
我意识到重点不是我
I realized, this isn’t about me.
重点是如何帮助她
This is about figuring out how to help her.
我的父亲是一名医生
My father is a doctor,
所以让他负责治疗有很多好处
and so we had a great advantage having him in charge,
他很好的照料了她
and he did a beautiful job taking care of her.
但是 我也想尽一切努力帮助她
But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help,
我想尝试任何可能
so I wanted to try everything.
我们都这样做了
We all did.
我调查了其他可行的药物
I researched alternative medicines,
饮食 果汁 针灸
diets, juicing, acupuncture.
终于 我问她
Finally, I asked her,
“这是你想让我为你做的吗”
“Is this what you want me to do?”
她说：“不”
And she said, “No.”
她说：“做你该做的 我以后会需要你的”
She said, “Pace yourself. I’m going to need you later.”
她知道正在发生的一切
She knew what was happening,
她还知道医生
and she knew what the doctors
专家和网络不知道的
and the experts and the internet didn’t know:
她自己想要怎样度过这一切
how she wanted to go through this.
我仅仅只需要问她
I just needed to ask her.
我意识到如果我想要修复这一切
I realized that if I tried to fix it,
我将会错过它
I would miss it.
所以我决定守护在她身边
So I just started to be with her,
不管情况变得怎样
whatever that meant and whatever situation came up,
仅仅只是认真地听她说话
just really listen to her.
以前我会抗拒 但之后我开始顺从
If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering,
放弃尝试去控制那些不可控的东西
giving up trying to control the uncontrollable
我就在那儿 和她在一起
and just being there in it with her.
时间放慢了脚步
Time slowed down,
日期开始变得模糊
and the date was irrelevant.
我们设计了新的日程规划
We developed a routine.
每天早上我都会拱进她的被窝和她一起
Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her.
我哥哥会过来一起吃早饭
My brother would come for breakfast
当听见他的车驶入车道 我们会很开心
and we’d be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway.
我就会握住她的双手 扶她起来
So I’d help her up and take both her hands
带她走到厨房
and help her walk to the kitchen.
她有这样一个自己做的大马克杯
She had this huge mug she made
她喜欢把一大杯咖啡都喝掉
she loved to drink her coffee out of,
她也喜欢早餐的爱尔兰苏打面包
and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast.
之后就是洗澡
Afterwards was the shower,
这是她钟爱的环节
and she loved this part.
她享受温暖的水浴
She loved the warm water,
我会尽量帮她放松
so I made this as indulgent as I could,
像做 spa 一样
like a spa.
我的姐姐有时会来帮忙
My sister would help sometimes.
我们会快速准备好
We had warm towels
温暖的毛巾和拖鞋
and slippers ready immediately
以保证她永远不会觉得冷
so she never got cold for a second.
我会吹干她的头发
I’d blow-dry her hair.
到了晚上 哥哥们会带着他们的孩子来
My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids,
那是她一天当中最精彩的部分
and that was the highlight of her day.
一段时间以后 我们开始使用轮椅
Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,
她不再吃那么多
and she didn’t want to eat so much,
她使用我们能找到的最小的茶杯来喝咖啡
and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee.
我一个人已经不足以照顾她了
I couldn’t support her myself anymore,
所以我们雇了一个助手来帮助我为她洗澡
so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.
这些简单的日常活动
These simple daily activities
逐渐变成了一种神圣的仪式
became our sacred ritual,
癌症不断的扩散
and we repeated them day after day
我们一遍一遍重复着这些活动
as the cancer grew.
我们承受着痛苦和卑微
It was humbling and painful
但也正是我愿意经受的
and exactly where I wanted to be.
我们把这称为“美丽的痛楚“
We called this time “the beautiful awful.”
她死于2012年10月26日
She died on October 26, 2012.
这是离她诊断出癌症一年零三周之后
It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis.
她离开了
She was gone.
我的哥哥们 姐姐 父亲还有我
My brothers, sister, and father and I
大家一起以这种支持和关爱的方式一路走来
all came together in this supportive and attentive way.
那就好像是我们整个家庭的动力
It was as though our whole family dynamic
突然我们所有的角色都消失了
and all our established roles vanished
我们就一起面对这全新的未知
and we were just all together in this unknown,
怀着相同的感受
feeling the same thing
照顾彼此
and taking care of each other.
我真心感激他们
I’m so grateful for them.
作为一个大部分时间都独自待在画室工作的人
As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working,
我以前对这种联系感
I had no idea that this kind of connection
如此重要 如此治愈的联系感 毫无概念
could be so important, so healing.
这是最重要的事情
This was the most important thing.
这就是我一直追寻的
It was what I always wanted.
在葬礼之后 我就该回到我的画室了
So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio.
所以我就收拾好车 开回了布鲁克林
So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn,
绘画是我一直以来从事的 也是我之后会一直做的
and painting is what I’ve always done, so that’s what I did.
在这期间有什么事情发生了
And here’s what happened.
我感到了身体中的释放感
It’s like a release of everything that was unraveling in me.
那些安心 非常非常让人感觉到安心的地方
That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place
在我所有的画里都有的东西
that I created in all my other paintings,
全部消散了
it was a myth.
它不再起作用了
It didn’t work.
我很害怕 我不想再画下去了
And I was afraid, because I didn’t want to paint anymore.
所以我跑进了小树林里
So I went into the woods.
我想着 尝试出去画
I thought, I’ll try that, going outside.
我带上颜料 但我并非风景画家
I got my paints, and I wasn’t a landscape painter,
其实我什么画家也不是
but I wasn’t really much of any kind of painter at all,
所以我没有目标 没有期望
so I had no attachment, no expectation,
这让我可以完全自由 不计后果地创作
which allowed me to be reckless and free.
我留了一副未干的画
I actually left one of these wet paintings
在外面过夜
outside overnight
把它放在了小树林中一盏路灯的旁边
next to a light in the woods.
等到第二天早上很多虫子都被粘在在画里了
By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.
但我并不关心 我对此感到毫无所谓
But I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.
我把这些画都带回了我的画室
I took all these paintings back to my studio,
我在画上进行刮刻
and scraped them, and carved into them,
我把涂料稀释剂倒在画上
and poured paint thinner on them,
倒更多的染料在上面 在顶层作画
put more paint on top, drew on them.
我毫无计划
I had no plan,
但我看到了发生的一切
but I was watching what was happening.
这就是当时那幅有好多小虫在里面的画
This is the one with all the bugs in it.
我没有尝试去创作真实的空间
I wasn’t trying to represent a real space.
是其中的混乱感和不完整感让我感到着迷
It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me,
随后一些事情发生了
and something started to happen.
我的好奇心回来了
I got curious again.
这是在小树林里的另一幅画
This is another one from the woods.
不过现在那是一份警告
There was a caveat now, though.
我无法像以前一样去控制我所画的
I couldn’t be controlling the paint like I used to.
我需要去暗示 启发
It had to be about implying and suggesting,
而非解释 描述
not explaining or describing.
那不完美的 混沌的 湍流的表面
And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface
在诉说着一个怎样的故事
is what told the story.
我开始变得好奇 就像我学生时代那样
I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.
所以 我开始想把人物放进这些绘画当中
So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people,
我喜欢这个新的环境
and I loved this new environment,
我希望人物和这环境融为一体
so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere.
当这种想法降临
When the idea hit me of how to do this,
我感到了恶心和眩晕
I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,
可能只是因为肾上腺素的原因
which is really just adrenaline, probably,
但这对我来说是一个好的迹象
but for me it’s a really good sign.
所以 我现在想展示给你们我最近正在制作的作品
And so now I want to show you what I’ve been working on.
这是一些我还没来得及展示的 我想就把它当作
It’s something I haven’t shown yet, and it’s like a preview, I guess,
我即将到来的画展预告吧
of my upcoming show,
迄今为止
what I have so far.
这广阔的空间
Expansive space
而非孤立的浴室
instead of the isolated bathtub.
我要出去 而非进来
I’m going outside instead of inside.
放开控制感
Loosening control,
体味不完整
savoring the imperfections,
允许－
allowing the —
允许那些不完整
allowing the imperfections.
在那些不完整中
And in that imperfection,
你能找寻到脆弱
you can find a vulnerability.
我能感知到我最深处的意图 对我最重要的
I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me,
是与他人的联系
that human connection
那发生在一个没有压迫和反抗的地方
that can happen in a space where there’s no resisting or controlling.
我想要对此作画
I want to make paintings about that.
这就是我学到的
So here’s what I learned.
我们都会经历人生中的重创
We’re all going to have big losses in our lives,
也许是一份工作 事业
maybe a job or a career,
关系 爱 我们的青春
relationships, love, our youth.
我们终究丧失健康
We’re going to lose our health,
我们爱的人
people we love.
这些失去都不是我们能控制的
These kinds of losses are out of our control.
它们是无法预测的
They’re unpredictable,
它们使我们屈服
and they bring us to our knees.
所以我说 让它们来吧
And so I say, let them.
跪倒在地 变得谦逊
Fall to your knees. Be humbled.
我们应该放弃改变它
Let go of trying to change it
或是希望它变得不同
or even wanting it to be different.
让它那样吧
It just is.
在那种时刻
And then there’s space,
尝试感知你的脆弱
and in that space feel your vulnerability,
去想对你最重要的事
what matters most to you,
你心底的意图
your deepest intention.
抱着好奇的心里
And be curious to connect
与周围活生生的事物和人
to what and who is really here,
联系起来
awake and alive.
这就是我们所需要的
It’s what we all want.
让我们把握机会去发现那些存在于
Let’s take the opportunity to find something beautiful
未知 不可预测
in the unknown, in the unpredictable,
甚至可怕的事物中的美吧
and even in the awful.
谢谢
Thank you.
（掌声）
(Applause)