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你的朋友真的喜欢你吗

Half of Your Friends Don't Like You

Hey Thoughty2 here.
嗨 欢迎收看《思考平方》
How many friends do you have?
你有多少朋友?
How many friends would you like to have?
你想要拥有多少朋友?
Actually a better question would be
事实上更好的提问方式是
how many friends can you have?
你能拥有多少朋友?
In the 90th British Anthropologist,
九十年代 英国人类学家
Robin Dunbar looked at the correlation
罗宾·邓巴分析了各种灵长类动物的
between the brain size of different primates and the size of their social groups.
大脑大小与它们 社群大小之间的相关性
By extrapolating these numbers to the human brain size, Dunbar postulated that
通过将这些数据与人脑大小进行对比 邓巴做出假设
the maximum social relationships anyone human can maintain is around 150.
人类可以维持社交关系的人数最多约150人
Specifically, Dunbar found that
具体来说 邓巴发现
a larger species’ neocortex the top part of the brain,
大脑顶部的新皮层面积更大的物种
the larger social groups that species can maintain.
能够维持更大的社群
This is because each human friendship requires the dedication
这是因为人类的每段友谊
of a portion of one’s resources.
都需要参与者投入一部分资源
The resource of time required to meet with them occasionally,
比如需要花时间偶尔和朋友小聚
so they don’t forget you exist
这样他们就不会忘记你
or vice versa.
反之亦然
The resource of memory,
还有记忆资源
you have to remember a huge amount of details about each one of your friends,
你需要记住每一个朋友的许多细节特征
foods they do and don’t eat,
比如他们爱吃与不爱吃的食物
what type of films and music they like,
他们喜欢的电影和音乐类型
what angers them, what makes them laugh and cry,
会引起他们喜怒哀乐的事物
what they do for a living, who their partner
他们从事的工作 他们的伴侣
or spouse is, who their friends are.
配偶 以及朋友
And then there’s the resource of emotional support,
还有情感支持的资源
at some point, all friends will call upon you
有时 朋友们会要求你
for your emotional support in times of need,
在他们需要时给予情感上的支持
we all have a limited amount of support
我们能够给予的支持
and friendly advice to go around,
和友好建议是有限的
expand too much of it,
经常做这些事
you will start to feel more like a shrink than a friend.
会让你感觉自己更像是个心理医生而不是朋友
Put all these factors together and you start
将所有因素结合起来
to see how maintaining more than 150 relationships
你就会明白维持150+人际关系
isn’t possible for any human.
对每个人来说都难以实现
Some people can have a few more, or somewhat fewer,
有些人朋友可能多一些 有些人则少一些
but 150 is the general limit imposed
但拥有150人的人际关系是普通人的极限
by our brains, our biology.
这由我们的智力和生理特性决定的
Look at the world
看看你周围
around you and you will start to notice Dunbar’s number everywhere.
你会发现 邓巴数字(150)随处可见
Anthropologists believe that the largest tribal groups
人类学家认为 在狩猎时代
in our hunter-gatherer days were 150.
最大的部落群体人数为150人
And it still held true thousands of years later.
几千年后仍是如此
The Doomsday Book showed that the average
《末日审判》中也提到
village size in England was 150.
英国的村庄平均规模为150人
The average number of wedding guests is 141.
婚礼的平均宾客数目是141人
150 may be how many relationships one can have but
一个人能维持的人际关系数量可能达到150个
in reality, there is a much, much smaller limit on
但实际上你能拥有的
how many close friends you can have –
亲密朋友的数量少之又少
which may be a cause of a relief
你可能因此长叹一口气
if you sat there thinking,
坐在那想着
“Wait, I’m supposed to have 150 friends, I have like 2.”
“我本应该有150个朋友 但实际上我只有大概两个”
Well, calm down. Two is absolutely plenty,
淡定 2个朋友绝对足够了
because the truth is the limit is around about five.
因为实际上一个人拥有好朋友的数量最多只有5个
In 2007 Robin Dunbar was back at it again,
2007年 罗宾·邓巴又一次展开研究
proving we’re all terrible at knowing lots of people.
证实我们其实并不擅长广交人脉
By examining the call logs from the phones of 27,000 Europeans,
通过查看27000个欧洲人的通话记录
he deducted that
他得出结论
people are realistically capable of having five close friendships,
现实中人们只能结交5个亲密朋友
including intimate relations.
其中还包括自己的另一半
In fact, for the average Joe,
实际上 对普通人来说
80% of all their calls are made to the same four people.
80%的电话都是打给相同的4个人
But Thoughty2 I have 325 friends on Facebook
这时观众也许会说 “我在Facebook上有325个朋友
and my mate Dave he has over 700,
我的朋友戴夫有700多个
but I secretly think he’s a prick.
但我私下认为他是个混蛋”
Well,you’ve just nicely illustrated my next point –
好吧 你已经很好地阐述了我的下一个观点
no you don’t,
其实你并没有那么多朋友
because they’re not your friends.
因为他们并不是你的朋友
Facebook friends are no more than numbers on a server,
Facebook上的好友不过是服务器上的数字
go through your friend list and
浏览你的好友列表
you’ll notice that most of them are people,
你会发现他们大多数都是
you’ve only met once and will probably never see again.
与你仅有一面之缘 并且可能以后再也不会见的人
Simply, friends of someone you once worked with,
或许是你曾与之共事的人
or most likely, people you are supposed to be
最有可能的是 你应该与之发展友谊
friends with, but you secretly hate their guts.
但私底下你却对其感到厌恶的同事
None of these peoples counts as friends –
这些人都不能算得上是你的朋友
I wish I was sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not,
让你失望了 但我并不为此感到抱歉
because if you genuinely think that
因为如果你真的认为
these are all close friends and not just casual
这些人是你的密友而不是泛泛之交
acquaintances, then you have truly undervalued
那么你真的低估了
the close bond of a genuine friendship.
真正友谊的亲密关系
You can not truly consider someone a friend
你不能随意将一个人视为朋友
unless you converse with them face to face on a regular basis and you can rely
除非你同他们经常面对面互诉衷肠 并且在有需要时
on them to help you out in times of need
能够依靠他们的帮助走出困境
and vice versa.
反之亦然
Now, if anything I’ve said has made you doubt
如果我所陈述的内容
your relationships, then you better strap yourself in,
使你对自己的友谊产生怀疑 那么 请做好准备
because unfortunately, I’ve got more bad news for you.
因为不幸的是 我有更糟糕的消息要告诉你
You see, it’s statistically likely
你会发现 据统计
that half your friends don’t even like you.
你半数朋友甚至都不喜欢你
A study at MIT analysed the relationships
麻省理工学院曾发布一项调查
between 84 so-called ‘ friends’ aged between 23 to 38.
调查研究了23至38岁年龄段的84名所谓的朋友
Everyone was asked to rank everybody else in the study between 0 and 5,
参与调查的每个人都需要对其他人打分 分数从0到5
0 meaning, “I don’t know that person.”
0分的意思是我不认识这个人
and 5 meant, “They’re one of my best friends.”
5分表示他们是我的挚友之一
94 percent of people expected their friendships
94%参与调查的人都希望
to be reciprocated,
他们同朋友间的友谊是相互的
but astonishingly
但令人出乎意料的是
only 53 percent of them actually were.
仅53%的友谊确实如此
That means that half of the people
这意味着
who were supposed to be a participant’s friend,
参与者所认为的朋友中
said they didn’t actually consider
有半数人并没有真正地
that participant to be their friend.
将参与者视为朋友
The sample size used in this study was very small,
此项调查使用的样本容量非常小
but other data sources containing 92,000 individuals,
但是根据含有92000个参与者的其他数据源显示
say that reciprocity rate of friendships
实际上 友谊间的相互性
is actually between 34 to 53 percent.
仅达34%至53%
This is rather sad.
这很可悲
And gives one cause for concern,
同时非常令人担忧
especially when a study from Harvard University
特别是 哈佛大学做过的一项调查显示
found that having no friends
缺少真朋友
can be just as damaging to your health as smoking.
与吸烟对健康的危害别无二致
But, there is a positive you can take away here.
但是 往好的方面想
You could cull half of your friends from your life,
你可以“摆脱”半数的朋友
and probably be happier.
还可能因此过得更开心
This of course means that you have to first know
当然 这意味着你首先
who the false friends are,
要了解谁是假朋友
which is easier said than done.
说起来容易 做起来难
So before you rock up to work tomorrow
那么明天在你投入工作
and tell everyone in HR to F’off – which you should totally do,
让人力资源部的人都滚蛋前
by the way, it’s incredibly cathartic –
提一句 你当然可以这样做 但这属于极端的宣泄方式
you should probably think it over.
在做之前需要三思
So how do you know who is only pretending to be your friend?
回到正题 你如何知道谁只是在装作你的朋友?
Well, there’s no secret technique here,
这个问题并没有秘诀
but one of the most obvious ways is to think
但是最显而易见的方法就是
whether that person has ever shared a secret with you.
想想那个人是否和你分享过秘密
Sharing a secret with another requires
和另一个人分享自己的秘密
a huge amount of trust, which one would only do with
需要充分的信任 因为人们只会
someone they admire and truly respect as a friend.
和他们钦佩的人和真正视为朋友的人分享秘密
Also, when you are with your group of friends,
另外 当你和一群朋友在一起时
are you always the one they ask to take the picture?
他们总是要求你来帮忙拍照吗?
If so, then, sorry pal, it’s probably you.
如果是这样的话 很抱歉 你很有可能就是那个假朋友
However, it’s likely that things haven’t always being this way,
然而 情况并非总是如此
and that reciprocity levels amongst friendship groups
近几十年来 朋友群体间相互性的水平
have dropped significantly in recent decades.
已经大幅下降
This is because the perceived value of a friendship
这是因为 随着社交媒体的来临
has dropped with the advent of social media.
人们对友谊的感知价值降低了
Today a new friendship can be created with a tap or swipe
如今 轻轻触动或滑动手机屏幕就能开展一段友谊
and just as easily removed from our lives
同时 将一段友谊从生活中剔除也是如此简单
In an online world driven by a vicious cycle
在一个由即时满足感和游戏化的恶性循环
of instant gratification and gamification,
所驱使的网络世界里
friends are seen as lityle more than points to collect
朋友仅被视为 在一场名为生活的游戏中
in the game of life.
需要收集的积分
When some people choose to accept a friend request,
当一些人选择接受他人的好友请求时
the thought usually passes through that their mind of
他们的大脑中通常会闪现一个想法
“How will this make me look better”.
“和他做朋友会让我更有面儿吗?”
The problem is that this is anathema to why
问题就是 人类起初与他人建立友谊时
Homosapiens evolved to form friendships in the first place.
非常讨厌这类问题
Why do you think our species out of all Hominids
你觉得为什么在所有人科动物中
came to dominate all others,
只有人类能主宰其他物种
why not chimpanzees
而不是黑猩猩
or our once rivals neanderthals?
或者为何不是我们曾经的竞争对手尼安德特人呢?
After all they had larger craniums than sapiens.
毕竟他们的头盖骨比现代人的大
Well, it certainly wasn’t because of our strength over other species,
当然 这并不是因为我们比其他物种更强壮
there were many species, bears, lions, chimpanzees
很多物种 如 熊 狮子 黑猩猩
and indeed neanderthals that could tear our limbs off
甚至尼安德特人 可以像撕鸡翅一样
like pretty little chicken wings.
撕掉我们的四肢
And contrary to what you may think,
与你所想的刚好相反
it wasn’t because of our large brains,
这并不是因为我们拥有较大的大脑
if so, elephants would be CEOs and politicians.
如果是这样的话 大象就能成为公司总裁和政治家了
No, even though that is a rather nice image.
尽管设想很好 但原因并非如此
Okay, it was because of our superior intelligence,
其实 是因为我们智慧超群
but it was something far more specific about our intelligence in particular – after all,
更为具体点说 我们的物种
our species were and still are extraordinarily intelligent.
过去还是现在都绝顶聪明
But humans dominated the playing field because of
但人类能够主宰竞技场
the unique way that Homosapiens’ brains evolved
是由于人类大脑的独特进化方式
to be able to form complex social bonds.
使得人类能够建立复杂的社会关系
Other animals, bees, chimpanzees formed social groups,
其他动物 如蜜蜂 黑猩猩 虽然形成了社会群体
but none had the inherent ability to do so
但它们都不具备
quite like Homosapiens.
人类身上的固有特质
Homosapiens can, and as far as we know,
据我们所知
this is unique in the animal kingdom, gossip about
人类是动物王国中唯一一种
others behind their back, so that tribesmen knew
会在人后说长道短的物种 因此人们就能知道
who to avoid in their tribe and other tribes.
在本部落和其他部落中 哪些人需要躲避
And also, Homosapiens have the ability to imagine
而且我们能够想象
things that we have never seen before,
我们以前从未见过的事物
like when a fellow tribesman would describe a beautiful
比如一名部落成员能够描述出
waterfall over near that big pointy rock over there.
附近一个大尖石旁的美丽瀑布
Our ability to form these super complex social groups
我们能够形成这样的高级复杂社会群体
and maintain knowledge on who doesn’t like whom,
并且知晓谁不喜欢谁
who is willing to protect us when hunting
谁愿意在打猎时保护我们
and most importantly: who stole john’s rock?
最重要的是 谁偷了约翰的石头?
Are the very reasons why Homosapiens were able to to work together to form groups
这些能力是人类能够 协作建立群体的原因
that collectively were greater
这些群体的力量更加强大
and many times, more formidable than their sum parts
并且常常比个体力量的总和还要强大
Friendships allowed us to hunt in groups,
建立友谊 我们便可以成群狩猎
protect each other and look after our sick.
互相保护 照顾我们之中的病人
So ask yourself,
所以问问你自己
when you and your best friend are together,
当你和最好的朋友在一起时
are you greater than your sum parts?
你们共同的力量是否比个体力量的总和更为强大?
Can you do amazing things together
你们能否一起做很棒的事情?
and forge great memories?
能否共同创造美好回忆?
Could you rely on them in times of need?
在你需要时 能否依靠他们?
If not it’s possible they could be
如果不能 那他们可能就是
on the negative side of your 50 percent.
那50%的假朋友
I have just launched my first book
我刚刚发行了第一本
which I’m crowfunding sticker flakiness
由我众筹的贴纸类书籍
A thousand years of bizarre history from Britain and beyond
你可以了解到英国以及其他国家的数千年奇特历史
If you’d like to get your hands on a first edition signed copy,
如果你想拿到初版的签名版本
then head on over to unbound, the link is in the description.
那就打开描述中的链接
Watch this long video when you haven’t been already.
如果你还不想的话 那么就观看这段长视频吧
I’m pleased today. Thank you !
很高兴为您讲解 谢谢!

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视频概述

你有多少个真正的朋友,他们真的喜欢你吗

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地球呼叫西蒙

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjLPPFZVAiE

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