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关系化思维帮你达到关系目标 – 译学馆
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关系化思维帮你达到关系目标

Got Relationship Goals? Relational Thinking Is Your Launchpad | Esther Perel

埃斯特.佩雷尔:什么是互补思维?
Esther Perel: What is complementarity?
看 像你们所知的 我并不是最有条理的思想者
Look, as you probably all see, I’m not the most structured thinker.
我是一个联想性的思想者
I’m an associative thinker.
你注意到了吗?
Did you notice?
所以我知道自己需要一个编辑 或者一个组织者 或者一个有条理的人 又或者某个
So I am clear that I need an editor, or an organizer, or a structured person, or somebody
可以对我说停止做某事的人
who says “Stop that.”
我之所以能继续我的事业 因为有人会帮我做我
And I can only continue to do what I do because I have somebody else who is doing that which
不能做到的事情
I don’t.
互补思维让每一个人都有可能去成为自己
The complementarity is the possibility for each person to be who they are.
所以 所谓互补思维是指你的伙伴允许你做最好的自己
So complementarity is your partner allowing you to be who you are at your best without
而非强迫你去做你能学着去做 却永远不会习惯的事情
having to try to do that which you can learn but will never be your second nature.
并且我认为当你雇佣职员时 你所应雇用的正应是能与你互补的
And I think that when you hire new people you hire along this complementarity thing.
当然 这并不表示光靠互补就能组成整体 但是整体的完整却不能离开
And it’s not just that the parts make the whole, but that the whole cannot exist without
互补
the parts.
(没有各部件的互补)整体是不能存在的
It can’t exist.
它可苟存 它可以蹒跚独行 因为你可以自己开个头
It can survive, it can hobble along because you need to do in the beginning, but at some
但到了某个点你确实需要不同的组成部分
point you really need the various pieces.
一个家庭有父母 配偶 子女 朋友 祖父母 校园关系 才能组成一个完整的小社会
A family has parents, spouses, children, friends, grandparents, schools—it’s an entire ecology.
每个人都明白集体思维
Everybody understands that collective thinking.
在企业中也是相同的
It’s the same in a company.
皮特.霍普金斯:听起来你是在建议我们坦率的面对
Peter Hopkins: It sounds like you’re suggesting we should be screening for some very candid
自己
sense of self.
我觉得人们能够意识到自己的不足并且
I mean it’s important that people really do be able to acknowledge their fault and also
能够通过交流和互补来填补自己的不足这一点真的很重要
be able to communicate them in order for this balance of complementarities to work.
埃斯特.佩雷尔:是的
Esther Perel: Yes.
没错
Yes.
但是我会想的更深
But I would go a step further.
你不仅仅应当意识到不足 我认为如果信任是
It’s not just that you have to acknowledge fault; I think if I said that trust is probably the
关系系统中的第一要素 那么责任应当是第二要素
number one I think the number two of any relational system is the ability to take responsibility
无论结果好坏 承担自己所完成的事情的责任
for your contribution to the pie, the good and the bad.
通常人们总是认为承担责任就意味着可能被责备或者要自责 而不是认为
And generally people confuse responsibility with blame or self-blame, rather than that’s
这是一种认识到自己是一个有所不足却仍然自矜自尊的人的能力
it the ability to own myself as a flawed person and still hold myself in high regard.
我失败了
“I fucked up.
我搞砸了
I messed up.
我就不应该做这事
I should’ve done this.
我真希望我之前就想到了
I wished I had thought of that.”
不要想着保持完美会格外轻松
It’s extraordinarily liberating to actually not try to be perfect.
自尊的定义是什么
What is the definition of self-esteem?
应当是明白自己是不完美的个体却仍然高度重视自己
It’s the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high
的能力
regard.
缺陷是关键词 你在刚刚的话中提到了
“Flaw” is the keyword, you had it in the previous sentence.
当你可以直说 “我不知道” 而不是假装或者希望
Once you can say, “I don’t know,” rather than pretending or hoping—to actually take
责任会到别人的头上 或者负责这件事的团队
responsibility to come to the other person, or to the team for that matter, and to just
然后说“我没做过这件事”
to say, “I didn’t do this.”
令人诧异的是 当你来找我说 “我失败了” 通常
And it’s an amazing thing: When you come to me and you say, “I fucked up,” generally
我不会说 “是的 算你有自知之明” 我只会说 “没关系 我们会想办法(解决它)”
I don’t say “Yes that’s true,” I just say “That’s okay, we’ll figure it out.”
当某个人承担起某件事的责任时 你不会到处招摇
The minute the other person takes responsibility for something, you’re not brandishing your
你通常只会说
flag, you’re generally just saying, “Huh.
“那么 现在我们遇到了个问题
I mean now what shall we do?
应该怎么解决?”
We have a problem.”
但是在任何关系系统中 当人们产生主人翁精神是令人惊喜的事情
But it’s an amazing thing in any relational system when people take ownership—ownership
主人翁精神是另一个重要的词
is another word.
皮特.霍普金斯:当和你一起工作的人是那种在某些瞬间无论他们
Peter Hopkins: There is something incredibly relieving when the person you’re working with
会做出怎样的错误判断 或者犯下什么错误
is somebody that regardless of how much they may make an error of judgment or a mistake
你都不会去质疑他们的目的的人的时侯 你会觉得很轻松
in any given instant that regardless you’re not going to question their intentions.
当事情向这方面转变时 关系系统中的大量压力会被释放出来
And once that becomes resolved it just lets so much pressure out of the system, and those
并且你所说的在他们的强项中找到缺点 会被认为是
issues you were describing of finding flaws in their strengths and turning and becoming
找茬 我认为这是不应当的
nitpicky, that actually I think dissipates.
一旦你突破基本的信任临界值 就可能会释放
And once you cross that threshold to that really fundamental trust, it just opens up
潜在的压力 很多积累的小问题会爆发出来
a lot of potential by dialing down a lot of the little problems that pop up.
对于 区分“你和我们” 的问题 你的想法被框定在
The “You versus We” distinctions—You’ve got to have your mind set framed around “We’re
“我们都是局内人 我们是同一个团队” 上 但是只要你开始指责对方
in this together, we’re on the same team,” and as long as you are pointing fingers it
就会导致积累的问题慢慢都显现出来
leads to these sorts of unravellings.
埃斯特.佩雷尔: 或者你这样来看这个问题 每一种关系都有三种要素 你 我
Esther Perel: Or you think like this: every relationship has three components, You, Me,
以及我们
Us.
这里的我们实际上包含了我
And the Us actually encompasses Me.
所以当我想做某件事情的时候 判断这件事情该不该做的最好方法之一是想一想 “如果我现在做了这件事情
So if I’m going to do something, one of the best screeners is, “If I do this now, if
如果我现在说了这件事情 它会对我们造成什么后果?”
I say this now what will this do to Us?”
即便我可能是完全正确的 但我不能判断这样做是否对我们有益 如果对我们无益
Even though I may be totally right I’m not sure it will do good to Us, and if it doesn’t
那么对我来说也是没有好处的
do good to Us it then doesn’t do good to Me.
这才是关系化思考的真正框架
That’s the real frame of thinking relationally.
关系化思考并不是指 为自己考虑一下的同时也为你考虑一下
Relational thinking is not, “I think about me and I think about you,” it’s, “I
而是把自己带入到我们所在的团体的角度上考虑
think about myself as part of something of which both of us are part of and that is what
而这个团体是我所想保护的
I’m trying to protect.”

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与埃斯特 佩雷尔和皮特 霍普金斯共同畅谈关系化思维

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