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情感:在它们掌控你之前先掌控它们 – 译学馆
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情感:在它们掌控你之前先掌控它们

Feelings: Handle them before they handle you | Mandy Saligari | TEDxGuildford

我是个戒瘾治疗师
I’m an addictions therapist.
我也是一个正在戒瘾的人 我也已为人父母
I’m also a recovering addict; I’m a parent;
我的主要工作是帮助患者戒瘾
and I do a lot of work now in the field of recovery
也在成瘾和心理健康方面有所研究
and looking at addiction, looking at mental health,
最重要的研究领域是早期干预
and most importantly, looking at early intervention
以及我们要真正了解的一件事
and what is the one thing that we could really home in on,
也就最有效的预防措施
that will be the best preventative measure,
我认为可以归结为两个字:自尊
and I think that that falls into those two little words: self-esteem.
自尊是一个为人熟知的词语
But self-esteem is a very well-known phrase,
但它到底是什么呢?
but what actually is it?
我认为 从核心来说
And I think that in it’s, kind of, core,
自尊是我对我自己的感受
self-esteem is how I feel about myself,
它决定了我如何对待自己 如何表现自己
and therefore how I treat myself, therefore how I behave.
当我对别人说:“我是一个正在戒瘾的人”
When I say to people,”I’m a recovering addict,”
他们就会问:“你对什么上了瘾呀?”
they say things like,”What were you addicted to?”
我会有点……你们懂吗?
And I kind of… you know?
问题不在于我以前或现在上了什么瘾
It’s not about what I’m addicted to or was addicted to,
而在于为什么我会用某个身外之物
this is about why would I use something outside of myself,
用伤害自己的方式
in an attempt to fix how I feel,
试图安抚自己受伤的情感?
to the detriment of myself?
所以我真心地给你们传达的第一个信息
So my first message to you, really,
就是重点不在于成瘾者选了什么药上瘾
is that addiction isn’t a drug of choice,
在临床上 常见的成瘾好像大概有15到16种
of which, I believe, there are probably 15 or 16 regular manifestations of addiction.
上瘾只是一种委托的模式
But it is the pattern of delegating,
你把情绪依托给了另一个东西
of outsourcing your emotional process
结果却起到了反效果
on to something else that backfires.
我常常遇到的一个情况就是
So there’s nothing more normal than any of you,
我参加一个饭局
or indeed anyone who might be
坐在我身边的人正在喝酒
sitting next to me at a dinner party who’s having a drink,
他们正享受推杯换盏之时
and they’re having a nice time and relaxing,
转身问我:“你是做什么工作的?”
and they turn to me and say, “What do you do for a living?”
我会说:“你应该会想先喝完你的酒”
And I say, “You might want to finish your drink first”
因为我的经验是 我一说出“戒瘾治疗师”
because my experience is that you will get really defensive
你会表现得很防备
when I say, “I’m an addictions therapist!”
我要么会听到 “你知道吗?
I either get, “Do you know what?
我想我喝得太多了”
I think I’ve been drinking quite a lot”
要么是 “我太担心我女儿了”
or “I’m worried about my daughter,”
再或者是 “我一般不会喝这么多
or I get, “I don’t usually drink this much,
只是这周实在太忙了”[众笑]
I’ve just had a really big week.” [Laughter]
我们都很抗拒被别人看透
We’re very defensive about being seen, really being seen.
就像 你在路上被绊倒的时候
You know, when you walk down the street you trip over,
你的第一反应不会是说“哎哟”
the first thing you don’t do is go”Ow,”
而是“哦 有谁看见了吗?”
the first thing you do is say, “Oh, who saw that?”
我的脆弱
My experience of my vulnerability,
以及我在世上的真面目
my experience of what it’s like for me to be in the world and to be seen
才是我想保护自己的原因
is exactly what makes me want to defend myself,
希望能控制一点别人对我的看法
control a little bit what you think of me,
对我的了解以及接近我的方式
how you see me, your access to me.
这很正常
And that’s normal.
但如果你像我一样
But if you’re like me or
或者像以百万计和我一样的人
like millions of other people like me,
在成长过程中有过一些不好的记忆
and you have had, if you like, an upbringing or an experience in your life
也就是说在很小的时候
that means that very early on,
经历过那么一个脆弱的时刻
your experience of vulnerability was one
给你留下了恐惧和不安全感
that left you afraid and uncertain,
在那一刻 你恨不得从你的身体里逃脱出来
and actually, what you wanted to do was get out of your skin,
抛开它 成为另一个人
leave that behind, and be someone else.
你从出世到6岁的那段时间里
And maybe, in that kind of naught to six years,
可能会想成为别人眼里的“好女孩”
you might want to be a ‘good girl.’
我只能说 在这样的环境中
Let’s just say that in the environment
在一个家庭里 有一个人需要特殊的照顾
where there is a family and there is somebody of high need –
这不是任何人的错
it’s nobody’s fault –
但在那个家庭里 有人非常需要特殊照顾
but there’s somebody with high need in that family,
或抑郁 或焦虑 或愤怒 或是不快乐
they’re depressed, or they’re anxious, or they’re angry, or they’re unhappy,
又或者得了某种病
or they’re ill in some way.
假设一个需要很多钱和照顾的兄弟姐妹
Let’s say the child has a sibling who is high-maintenance,
而家中的所有家庭资源都用来照顾这个孩子了
and they see all the family resources looking after this child,
所有人都在关心那个孩子
all of them worrying about this child.
那么你会说 “你知道吗
And the sibling will say, “Do you know what?
我不需要家庭资源来照顾我
I don’t want to ask anything of the family system.
我会付出的 我会是一个好女孩”
I’ll give to it; I’ll be a good girl.”
当妈妈需要帮助时 我会说:“我去摆桌子”
So when mum needs help, I’ll say: ‘I’ll lay the table.’
“我去叫我兄弟来吃晚餐”
‘I’ll go and get my brother for supper.’
“没关系 不 我已经做完作业了”
‘That’s okay. No, I’ve already done my homework.’
我妈妈会说 “如果没有你 我该怎么办啊?
And my mum says, ‘Where would I be without you?
没有你我该怎么办?你真是我的好女儿”
Where would I be without you? You’re my good girl.’
这让我得到了肯定
And I’m all validated.
然后我去上学 也会主动做班级卫生
And then I go to school, and I do tidy-up time,
每当有新同学 我会给她介绍教室环境
and when a new girl comes in I show her around.
我很乐意这么做
I’m quite happy to do that.
旁人也会对父母说 “你家孩子真好
And the parents hear: “Such a nice child to have around.
不喜欢拉帮结派”
Really doesn’t get into all of those cliques.”
然后这个孩子上了中学
And then that child goes to secondary school,
作为治疗师 很多中学生的家长会告诉我
and this is when I as a therapist meet the parents who say,
“我女儿交上了一群坏人”
“My daughter’s fallen in with a bad crowd.”
顺便说一句 我不相信有“一群坏人”这个概念
I don’t really believe in a bad crowd, by the way.
我对父母的疑问是
My question to the parents is,
你们的女儿为何喜欢跟陷入困难的人在一起?
why would your daughter feel at home around people who are troubled?
告诉我
Tell me.
告诉我一些她的家庭背景
Tell me something about her family background
说不定从中可以知道
that would indicate why
她为什么喜欢跟有困难的人在一起
she might feel comfortable around troubled people.
为什么她要当个“情绪减震器”
Why is it her role to be an emotional shock absorber,
主心骨 好女孩 善良的女孩
a rock, a good girl, a nice girl –
“别担心我 我会没事的 先来关心你吧”
“Don’t worry about me; I’ll be all right. Let’s worry about you.”
我百分百确定
And I bet your bottom dollar
她以后会爱上一个要求极高的人
that later on, she will fall in love with someone who is high-maintenance.
她会把对自己的认知和感觉理解为爱
She will translate those feelings, about who she is and how she feels about herself, as love.
她会看见酒吧另一边的某个人
Her eyes will meet across the bar against someone,
当然 他一定会是个很难伺候的人
and of course this person is going to be high-maintenance.
他们会要求她继续充当照顾者的角色
And they will demand that she stays in that role of caretaker,
停留在给予的角色里
that she stays in that role of giving –
“不用担心我 先来关心你吧”
“Don’t worry about me. Let’s worry about you.”
结果很可能就是 她精力耗尽
And as a result, she is likely to end up running on empty,
因为她不懂得索取
because she doesn’t know how to take for herself,
实际上 她从小就已学到
and actually, as a child, she learned that:
“我不会从这个家庭中拿走什么
“I’m not going to take from the family system.
我只需要当个好女孩
I’ll just be a good girl.
这样我就能得到肯定”
I’ll get my validation that way.”
因此她的给予是有条件的:
So her giving is conditional:
“如果我是好女孩 你会喜欢我吗”
“If I’m a good girl, will you like me?”
当你哭了 我会过来给予安慰
So all my giving, all my comforting when you’re crying is:
但如果你哭了 我过来安慰你
if you’re crying, and I come and comfort you,
你却没感到好点 我就会觉得好失败
and you don’t feel better, I feel like I’ve failed.
因此 在这个情况下 作为你的照顾者
So as your caretaker in this particular role,
当我开始安慰你时 你会觉得有义务让自己好过些
you will feel obliged to feel better when I start to comfort you.
现在 你可能会想我为什么会说这些
Now,you might wonder why I’m talking about this.
我说这些的理由
and the reason I’m talking about this
是因为有少爷病 公主病的人
is because high-maintenance individuals
总是会吸引到强迫性的照顾者
will always attract the compulsive caretaker.
如果你是那种喜欢替人收拾烂摊子的人
You must always have this formula
往往会反复陷入这种关系模式中
of somebody else, if you like, picking up the pieces of the other person.
这样的关系让其中一方成为了“情绪减震器”
The enablement that allows somebody to be the emotional shock absorber,
在对方犯错时收拾残局
somebody to be sweeping up the pieces after somebody else’s mistakes.
过后 这些人来找我的时候
And when I meet those people later on,
他们自己可能已经有了孩子
and they may have children themselves,
孩子们却不尊重父母
and the children treat them with no respect,
父母就说 “为什么?为什么?这一切都是我付出的
and they say,”Why? Why? I do everything.
我为你做了这么多 你却这样对待我”
After all I’ve done for you, and you treat me like this.
我看着他们心想:“你把自己掏空了
And I look at them and I think,”You’re running on empty.
你为什么会这样呢?
Why are you running on empty,
你的付出为什么会有条件呢?”
and why is your giving so conditional?”
他们常常会患上抑郁症或焦虑症
And they will often present with depression or anxiety,
而且会因为自己拥有什么而感到愧疚
they will present with symptoms that they feel bad about having.
作为治疗师 我要告诉你的是
And as a therapist, I am saying to you,
我想要看看你能否接受他人为你付出
I would like to go back to look at what is your ability to receive;
能否开口对他人表达“我需要帮助”
what is your ability to say, “I need help,”
能否对他人说“不”
what is your ability to say “no,”
以及你是否尊重自己
what is your ability to have self-respect,
如果答案是肯定的 说明你懂得照顾自己
so that you can look after yourself
你内心充盈 可以慷慨付出
and therefore give generously from a place of abundance,
而不是在内心匮乏的情况下透支自己
instead of giving from a place that is running on empty,
因为后者这种付出恰恰反映出内心的干涸
because your giving has come from there not being enough to go around.
我对上瘾的过程很感兴趣
I’m very interested in looking at addictive processes,
这些过程往往涉及了焦虑症和抑郁症
often anxiety and depression,
我也会处理这类疾病
and working with these kind of diagnoses –
但是我会以人为本
but with the person.
没错 我们的患者可能也愿意同时服药
Yes, we work with people who might want to take medication alongside,
但是我对患者本身很感兴趣
but I’m really interested in the person.
我没有必要教你什么防范成瘾的养育手法
There is no point in me telling you techniques of parenting for prevention.
这些是不可言传的
I can’t tell you those things,
除非你能舒舒服服地做回自己
unless you get comfortably in your own shoes,
保持对自己的自尊
and you have self-respect, and you maintain that,
因为只有这样 与你对话的人才不能迁怒于你
because then, whomever you’re talking to, cannot shoot the messenger.
所以 当我在思考某个人的感受
So, when I am thinking about how somebody feels,
如果我问在座的一些人 你感觉怎样
if I was to ask some of you in the audience how you feel,
可能不是现在 可能是以后
maybe not now but another time,
你可能会说“还好呀”
you might say something like, “Fine.”
我会心想”可我还不知道你的感受啊”
And I’m thinking, “Well, I still don’t know how you feel.”
你就会说“没事呀“
And then you’ll say, “Okay,”
我又会想”可我还不知道你的感受啊
and I’m thinking, “Well, I still don’t know how you feel.
你现在体验的是什么感受?”
What are the feelings you experience?”
结果人们往往感到难堪 尴尬
And then people often feel embarrassed, or awkward,
要不就是说“我不明白你问的‘感受’是什么”
or, “I don’t know what you’re asking me. I don’t know what you mean by a feeling.”
我会心想“真的吗?先停下来 你现在感觉怎样?”
And I’m thinking,”Really. Stop. How do you feel?”
因为如果你认识到了自己的感受
Because if you know the feelings that you’re having,
你就能够对自身情绪负责
then you have a chance of taking responsibility
让你在世人面前有尊严并尊重自己
and representing yourself in the world with dignity and with respect.
有一次 我和一名老师正在帮助课室里的一个孩子
So, when I was working with a teacher with this child in her classroom,
这个女孩很兴奋
she was very excited,
她一直希望别人注意到她
and this little girl used to want attention,
她总是“拜托 我好兴奋 让我去拿吧”
she’d go, “Please, please. I’m so excited. I’ll get it, I’ll get it.”
她很是兴奋
Very excited.
老师就会告诉她 ”拜托曼迪
And the teacher would say, “For goodness sake, Mandy,
你冷静下来好不好?”
will you calm down.”
女孩就就会倒抽一口气 然后表现得羞耻
And the child will be [gasp] – shame.
经过一番讨论后
And we talked about this,
女孩还是会变得很兴奋
so the child would still get very excited,
接着就会开始把旁人推开
and then she’d start to displace and take
劫持“人质” 要求别人嘻笑
hostages and get other people to giggle.
老师告诉我 “她总是干扰课堂秩序”
And the teacher started to say, “She’s very disruptive.”
这个女孩又说“我好兴奋”
And then this girl started to say, “I’m so excited.”
然后“啪”的一声 用手掌拍打桌面或墙壁
Bang! And she’d slam her hand on the desk or on the wall.
我在讨论过程中心想
When we were talking, I was thinking,
这是她展露自己情绪的方式
this is her external way of managing her emotions;
她不会处理兴奋情绪
this little girl does not know how to handle excitement
可能也不会处理另一个极端 就是抑郁情绪
and possibly the other end of the scale, depression.
所以我们要双眼看着孩子
So we need to look at that child
然后心里想:“你要学会如何处理兴奋情绪
and think,”You need to be taught how to handle your excitement,
而不是被贴上“难教养”的标签
instead of being labeled as difficult.”
因为作为父母
Because as a parent body,
小孩就像热追踪导弹 会寻找自己想要的东西
a child is a heat-seeking missile for what they want.
我不晓得你们当中有几位是父母
I have no idea how many of you are parents,
但是身为人母
but I am a parent,
我知道小孩就像热追踪导弹 会寻找自己要的东西
and I know that children are heat-seeking missiles for what they want.
他们会找自己的父母
They will come at the parent,
认为从父母身上能得到他们想要的
as the person who’s going to deliver that.
一般而言 父母会有两种反应
The parent, generally speaking, will do one of two things:
要么是“拜托别烦我!”
“For goodness sake, will you leave me alone!”
让孩子感到羞耻和害怕 担心”我是不是伤害爸妈了?”
And the child goes into shame, fear, “Have I hurt my parent?”
“我是有什么毛病吗?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
要么是“去吧 想怎么做就怎么做”
Or: “Go on, then; do exactly what you want.”
导致了予取予求的行为
Entitled behavior.
当这位父母试图坚持界限
So when this parent next time tries to hold a boundary –
心想“我要拒绝”时
I’m going to say no –
孩子就会想 “这里某处有个按钮
the child will say,” Somewhere around here is that button,
只要够大力地按下按钮 我就能得到我所要的!”
that if I press it hard enough, I get what I want!
父母就会说 “他们简直是恶梦
And then parents say, “They’re a nightmare.”
孩子已经变了样 真拿孩子没办法”
“I don’t know my child anymore.””I feel deskilled.”
“我失去了对家庭的控制”
“I’m not in control of my family.”
我就会说 先不要去管孩子
And I’m like, you know what, take your eye off your kids for a minute
他们只不过是在让你知道你的弱点在哪里
because all they’re doing is showing you where your weak point is.
当你忙着洗碗碟 倍感压力
If you’re busy doing the washing-up, and you’re kind of stressed,
这时孩子走了进来 开始“妈 妈 妈 妈……”
and they come in and start going, “Mum, mum, mum, mum…,”
你就必须明白 他们选在那一刻找你
then you need to know that they have chosen that exact moment
是因为他们就会得到自己所要的东西
because it gives them exactly what they want.
你就会说
And what you’re gonna do is,
“去玩PlayStation吧 我管不着 随便你吧”
“Oh, go on then, go on the PlayStation. I don’t care; do what you want.”
孩子就会欢呼“耶!成功了”
And they’ll like, “Yeah! I got exactly what I wanted.”
如果你能站在那里心想
If you’re able to stand there and think,
“我感到很烦”
“I’m feeling really irritated,”
而你也知道你很有压力
you’re feeling like put under pressure, and you know that,
你就能站在那里心想“我生气了”
you can actually stand there and think,”I’m getting really cross here,”
然后告诉孩子 “听着 我刚说不行了”
and you can say, “Listen, I’ve just said ‘no.'”
如果你的孩子不知道你有能力说“不”
Now, if your child does not know that you’ve got a ‘no’ up your sleeve,
不知道你有能力坚持说“不”
and that you can hold a ‘no,’
他们就会再三坚持要求
they will push, and push, and push.
当他们知道你会坚持说“不”
Once they know you can hold a ‘no’,
当他们知道你给他们定下了坚固的界限
once they know that you can actually give them a boundary
他们就会尊重这个界限
that they can push safely up against, then they will respect it.
所以 如果你能站在那里 真正认识到你的感受
So if you can stand there and be in touch with your feelings,
你就不会说 “拜托别烦我了”
and instead of behaving like,”Oh, for god’s sake, just go away,”
他们高兴地跑掉了 你就心想“我怎么那么生气呢?”
and then they’re off happy, and you’re thinking, “Why am I so upset?”
你可以说“你冷静下来 不准玩”
you can actually say, “I need you to calm down; the answer’s ‘no.'”
不管他们怎么嚷嚷
And then they nag, and nag, and nag,
你要心想
you need to be thinking,
“我过去一定是让步了好多次
“Wow I must have given in a lot in the past,
让他们现在那么坚持”
for them to be so persistent.
而不是“你怎么这么对我”
Not, “Why are you doing this to me?”
不 是我让你习惯这么做的
No. I’ve set you up for this,
我真的要开始管理自己的情绪
and I actually need to start getting a handle on how I behave
从而改变自己的行为
as a result of how I feel,
要不然我就认识不了自己
otherwise I am not going to know me,
我会怨恨孩子
I’m going to be in resentment against my kids,
我会可怜自己
I’m going to be feeling “poor me,”
我会对他们怀有期望和怨恨
I’m going to be in that space of expectation and resentment,
这是一种恶性循环
which is a pernicious cycle.
这个时候 丈夫可能就会走进来
And then perhaps in comes a husband:
“这里到底怎么回事?为什么那么吵?”
“What’s all this going on in here? What’s all this noise?”
你就说“没事宝贝 你别担心”
And you’re like: “It’s nothing, it’s nothing darling, don’t worry.”
“什么叫没事?我正忙着呢
“What you mean it’s nothing? I’m trying to get some work done.
她怎么又玩 PlayStation 了?”
What’s she doing on the PlayStation again?”
你心里愤怒不已
And you’re just in there, angry, upset.
你与丈夫起了冲突
You’re picking a fight now with your husband,
让你感到被孤立
you’re feeling isolated.
你在心想:“那我呢?
And you’re thinking:”What about me?”
为什么这里什么事都要我去做?”
Why is it always me who has to do everything around here?”
你会发现家人之间最微妙的关系
And you’ll find that the family dynamics, subtle as they may be,
也会开始有些破裂
start to fracture a little,
就像我在长大过程中经历过的那样
and maybe like I did as I grew up,
这些孩子可能会开始觉得自己很难管
one of these children might start to think that they’re difficult.
有人曾告诉我 我长大的时候很难管
I was told that I was difficult as I grew up,
而我也相信了这一点
and I believed it.
我还没13岁的时候就已经深深地相信
And so somewhere deep inside me, before I was even 13,
假如你亲近我
I believed that if you got close to me,
更深刻地认识我
that if you got to know me,
你就会发现真实的我
you’d find out that I’m not what I look like,
我是一个问题女孩
that there’s something wrong with me,
而我觉得你会拒绝我
and I felt that you would reject me.
因此 我不可能让你亲近我
So there’s no way I’m actually going to let you close.
我曾游戏人生 伪装自己 讨好别人
So I used to spend my life playing, performing, people-pleasing,
也曾我行我素 叛逆 回避真实的自己
being defiant, being the rebel, being anyone, anything other than me,
因为别人的靠近 会让我受伤
because if you get close to me, it’s going to hurt.
突然 我发现到了一个比这些行为更有效的东西
But suddenly, when I discover something more potent than all those behaviors,
它让我不必在你面前感到脆弱
that does the job, defends me from feeling vulnerable in front of you,
因为 请相信我
because believe me,
通过他人的表现去判断自己的感受
I judge how I feel against how you look,
这是行不通的
and that sets me up to lose
因为内心的恐惧会让我无视他人的脆弱
because I can’t see your frailties if I’m in my self-centered fear.
如果我在出门的时候心想
If I’m thinking, I’m going to go out somewhere,
我内心充满恐惧 心想
and I’m full of that fear, and I’m thinking,
“我不知道要穿什么 不认识那里的人
“I don’t know what to wear, I don’t know anybody there,
不知道要说什么 我很无聊 不够有趣
I don’t know what to say, I’m not interesting, I’m not funny,
把这些情绪带到了房间里
and I go into the room with all of that,
我谁都不去看
I’m not looking at anyone else,
就这样走进了房间
I’m walking into the room like that.
我可能会找到一个关系成瘾的照顾者
I’ll probably pick up somebody who’s codependent, a caretaker,
对方就会说:“要喝点什么?你没事吧?”
so they’d go,”Would you like a drink? Are you okay?”
他们在找一个像我的人来照顾
And they’re looking for someone like me to take care of,
我们就可以一起站着
and we can stand together,
假装一起参加派对
pretending to be at a party together,
但实际上 我们只是在避免彼此感到脆弱和孤立
but actually all we’re doing is preventing each other from feeling vulnerable and isolated.
如果我意识到自己正被恐惧包围
If I know I am in my self-centered fear,
意识到自己仿佛置身于当初的情境
if I know I’m in that space whereby there’s a sense,
那个在童年早期认为自己有毛病的刹那
maybe an early childhood sense that there is something wrong with me,
我就可以抱住自己
I can actually put my arm around myself,
对自己说:“曼迪 我爱你
and I can say, “You know, Mandy, I love you.
我爱你 我会陪着你 跟你一起面对
I love you, and I’m going to be with you, and we can do this thing.
这里不是只有你一个 这里有好多人
It’s not all about you, there are loads of people there,
去找个人聊天吧
go and chat to someone.
去找个人对话吧
Just go and have a conversation with someone;
没什么大不了的”
it’s not such a big deal.”
我摆脱了自己的恐惧
And I manage to take myself out of that fear,
突然 我可以跟别人说话了
Suddenly, I am available to talk to you,
我活过来了
I am available to live.
所以 我们在治疗成瘾的过程中
So when we’re treating addiction,
不但要帮助人们从成瘾中醒来
sure, we got to get people sober from whatever their addictive pattern is,
也要帮他们摆脱那些对自己有害的行为
but then we need to get them out of the self-harming behaviors
这样他们照镜子时不会心想
so that when they look in the mirror, they’re not going,
“天啊 我满脸都是皱纹 太恶心了”
“Oh my god, I’m so wrinkly, it’s disgusting.”
不!这种思维只会害了自己
No! That is self-harming thinking.
我要你看着镜子 认识你的脸孔
I want you to look in the mirror, and I want you to get to know your face;
欣赏你脸上的纹路
I want you to appreciate the lines on your face
把它们看作你生命的地图
like they are the map of your life.
不管你经历什么痛苦
Wherever the pain is,
不管纹路的位置和形状是什么
wherever the carving is and the shaping is,
都属于身体的一部分
it’s yours.
当你看着镜子 欣赏到了这一切
And when you look in the mirror to really appreciate that
然后跟自己做最好的朋友
and to make the best friend you can of yourself
因为当你跟自己做朋友时
because if you are friends with yourself,
你不会一直伤害自己
you will not persistently do something to yourself,
一而再再而三地伤害自己
to hurt yourself over and over again.
我在2008年患上了类风湿关节炎
In 2008, I got rheumatoid arthritis
应是2006年 我卧病在床长达近一年的时间
and I was laid up, 2006, and I was laid up for nearly a year,
无法行走 动弹不得
and I was unable to walk, unable to move,
无法用到双手
unable to use my hands,
什么事都做不了
unable to do anything.
一位朋友对我说
This friend of mine said,
“可曾想过利用12步项目治疗这个?”
“Have you thought of working the 12-step program around this?”
她指的是戒酒匿名会的12步互助项目
This is the AA 12-step fellowship program,
它基本上就是一种“投降求助”的方法
which fundamentally is about “surrender to help.”
我大怒了
And I was furious!
我躺在床上心想 ”你都不懂患病是什么感受”
I was lying on this bed thinking, “You don’t understand what it is like!”
但是 反正我都被困在床上了
But I was a captive audience,
我就心想 “投降求助 投降求助”
and I thought, “Surrender to help. Surrender to help.”
要心怀感激地服药
Oh, take the medication with gratitude;
别只注意我这个痛苦的小世界 看看外面的东西
start looking outside of this tiny world of pain that I was living in;
开始踏出每一个小步
and just start committing to each tiny step.
今天 我已经为了这个病服了10年的药
And today, truly, I feel like a complete miracle of all the medication
感觉上 我已经奇迹般地复原了
that I’ve taken in the last ten years to treat this condition.
我很感激自己已经复原了
I feel really grateful for the recovery I’ve got,
也很感激自己有机会说这样的话:
and for the opportunity to be able to say
尽管成瘾已知是个会复发的慢性疾病
that I know that addiction is known as a chronic relapsing condition,
但是我不同意
but I don’t agree.
它之所以是会复发的慢性疾病
I think one of the reasons that it is a chronic relapsing condition
是因为我们的关注点错了
is because we are looking in the wrong place.
我们关注的是人们上瘾的物质
We are looking at the thing that people use,
然后试图去控制它
and we are trying to control it.
但是 假如成瘾是我的情绪的托付
Now, if addiction is the delegation of my emotions onto something else,
即使你把物质拿走了
if you take that away,
我也会在这里 等你转移视线之后
I’m just going over here until you’re not looking,
再次上瘾起来
and I’m going back there again.
它是会复发的慢性疾病
Chronic relapsing condition.
除非你教我怎么照顾自己
Unless you teach me how to take care of me.
怎么做到呢?
And how do you do that?
很简单
Simple things.
当你看着镜子的时候 你要对自己说些好话
When you look in the mirror, say nice things to yourself.
如果太难的话
And if that’s difficult,
你就要找个你六七岁时的照片
get a picture of yourself around six or seven years old,
把它放在浴室里
and pop it up in your bathroom,
然后对照片中的自己说话
and start to talk to her or him.
我是说真的开始跟她说话
Start to talk to her. Literally.
“早安” 感觉怪怪的
“Morning.” Hmm, felt really weird.
我要你跟自己脆弱的一面建立关系
I want you to start to create a relationship with a part of yourself that might feel vulnerable,
因为你在这个方面需要你自己的支持
and who really needs you on side,
然后在一天的结尾写下你所感激的一切
and at the end of the day, write down what you’re grateful for.
因为我认识的人当中
Because there are people that I have known in my life
有些人非常渴望来到现场
who would give their eyeteeth to be here today.
作为个体
It is such a precious gift,
我们都是极其珍贵的礼物
each one of us as individual,
只要我们记住这一点
as long as we remember that,
只要我们与人会面 与他们交流时
and we remain completely invested in the curiosity,
对他们充满好奇心 而不是只关注他们犯的错
instead of the offense, when we meet people and interact with them.
谢谢大家
Thank you very much for this.
[掌声响起]
[Applause]

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视频概述

情感:在它们掌控你之前先掌控它们

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

搬那度

审核员

审核员HL

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD4O7ama3o8

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