[掌声]
[Applause]
有些医疗信息会让任何人都猝不及防
There is some medical news that nobody, absolutely nobody is prepared to hear.
我也是一样
I certainly wasn’t!
三年前 我在办公室接到一通电话
It was three years ago that I got a call in my office,
告知我最近一次身体扫描的测试结果
with the test results of a recent scan.
我当时35岁 终于过上了自己梦寐以求的生活
I was 35 and finally living the life I wanted.
嫁给了我高中时的恋人
I married my high-school sweetheart,
并在经历了多年的不孕症后怀了孕
and had finally gotten pregnant after years of infertility.
突然 我们生下了Zack
And then suddenly, we had a Zack.
完美的一岁男孩或者小恐龙 这要取决于他的心情
a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur, depending on his mood.
生下Zack极大地满足了我
And having a Zack suited me perfectly.
我得到了在学术界申请到的第一份工作
I had gotten the first job I applied for in academia,
一千个破碎梦想之地
land of a thousand crushed dreams.
我在那 做着理想中的工作
And there I was, working at my dream job,
身边有我的小宝贝和那个我从加拿大进口的男人
with my little baby and the man I had imported from Canada.
[笑]
[Laugh]
但在那时的几个月前 我的腹部开始疼痛
But a few months before, I started feeling pain in my stomach
为了查明原因 我去看了各个专家
and had gone to every expert to find out why.
但没人能告诉我原因
No one could tell me.
突然 一个内科医师的助手给正在上班的我打了电话
And then, out of the blue, some physician’s assistant called me at work
告诉我 我已经身患四期癌症
to tell me that I had stage-four cancer,
需要立刻到医院接受治疗
and that I was going to need to come to the hospital right away.
我当时唯一想说的是：“但我还有个儿子！”
And all I could think of to say was,”But I have a son!”
我不能就这样结束 生活刚刚开始 不能结束
I can’t end. This world can’t end. It has just begun.
之后 我打电话给我的丈夫 他急匆匆地赶来
And then I called my husband and he rushed to find me
我告诉了他我所知道的一切事实
and I said all the true things that I have known.
我说：“我永远爱着你
I said, “I have loved you forever,
对不起 请照顾好我们的儿子”
I have loved you forever. I am so sorry! Please take care of our son.”
在我准备去医院时 脑海里第一次闪现出这些想法
And then as I began to walk to the hospital, they crossed my mind for the first time.
哦 多么的讽刺！我刚写完一本书叫《神赐》
Oh, how ironic! I had just written a book called Blessed!
[笑和掌声]
[Laugh And Applause]
我是个历史学家 也坚信着好人有好福的理念
I’m a historian and an expert in the idea that good things happen to good people.
我研究的一种基督教义 别称为“繁荣福音”
I research a form of Christianity nicknamed the prosperity gospel,
因为它大胆地承诺 上帝要你繁荣
for its very bold promise that God wants you to prosper.
我从不认为我自己是繁荣福音的追随者
I’ve never considered myself a follower of the prosperity gospel.
我单单只是一个观测者
I was simply an observer.
繁荣福音认为如果你拥有正确的信仰
The prosperity gospel believes that God wants to reward you
上帝会奖赏你
if you have the right kind of faith.
如果你善良 忠诚
If you’re good and faithful,
上帝会赐你健康 财富和无尽的快乐
God will give you health and wealth and boundless happiness.
生活就像一个回旋镖
Life is like a boomerang.
如果你人好 那好的事情总会光顾你
If you’re good, good things will always come back to you.
积极思考 说话和善 只要你相信 一切皆有可能
Think positively, speak positively, nothing is impossible if you believe.
我18岁的时候就对这种美式神学感兴趣
I got interested in this very American theology when I was 18 or so,
25岁时就已经在周游全国 采访各界名流
and by 25, I was traveling the country, interviewing at celebrities.
我花费了十年的时间跟电视布道者交谈
I spent a decade talking to televangelists
以获取到上帝所承诺的精神财富
with spiritual guarantees for divine money.
我采访过无数个大教会的牧师 他们有着引人注目的发型
I interviewed countless megachurch pastors with spectacular hair
以了解他们的美好生活是怎么过的
about how they live their best lives now.
我跟医院候诊室和豪华办公室里的人们聊过天
I visited with people in hospital waiting rooms and plush offices.
我也曾握着轮椅上人们的手 祈祷着他们能被治愈
I held hands with people in wheelchairs, praying to be cured.
我得了一个家庭假期摧毁者的名声
I earned my reputation as destroyer of family vacations
因为我总是坚持在城里最华丽的大教堂旁下车
for always insisting on being dropped off at the fanciest megachurch in town.
如果有一条河横穿圣殿
If there was a river running through the sanctuary,
礼堂里有一只自由飞翔的鹰 或者一个巨大的不停旋转的金色球体
an eagle flying freely in the auditorium, or enormous spinning golden globe,
我就在那！
I was there!
当我第一次开始学习这个时
When I first started studying this,
神赐的整个想法并不是今天这个样子
the whole idea of being blessed wasn’t what it is today.
它并不是现在这样
It was not like it it now,
一整个系列的#神赐家居用品
an entire line of hashtag-blessed home goods.
它也还未演变成#神赐个性化车牌
It was not yet a flood of hashtag-blessed vanity license plates and
T恤和霓虹灯墙壁艺术的泛滥
and T-shirts and neon wall art.
我当时没想到‘神赐‘会成为最庸俗的文化之一
I had no idea that ‘blessed’ would become one of the most common cultural cliches,
一个在Ins上被用的最滥的标签之一
one of the most used hashtags on Instagram
用来赞美她们近乎全裸的比基尼镜头
to celebrate their barely-there bikini shots.
好像在说：“我太有福气了 感谢耶稣赐予我这曼妙身姿！”
as if to say, “I am so blessed, thank you Jesus for this body!”
[笑]
[Laugh]
我还没有完全理解
I had not yet fully grasped the way
繁荣福音为何成为伟大的民间宗教
that the prosperity gospel had become the great civil religion,
为何能从超凡的层次诠释美国梦的核心
offering another transcendent account of the core of the American dream.
繁荣福音崇拜的是美国人
Rather than worshiping the founding of America itself,
而不是美国本国的建立
the prosperity gospel worshiped Americans.
它将美国人的渴望 努力和道德品质神化并仪式化
It deifies and ritualizes their hungers, their hard work and moral fiber.
美国人信仰乐观主义 而且还为自己作证
Americans believe in a gospel of optimism and they are their own proof.
虽然我告诉自己 “我只是研究这些 我跟他们不一样”
But despite telling myself, “I’m just studying the stuff. I’m nothing like them.”
但是当我被确诊后 我突然明白了
when I got my diagnosis, I suddenly understood
我被我自己的霍雷肖·阿尔杰神学所深深影响了
how deeply invested I was in my own Horatio Alger Theology.
如果你身处这种文化当中 无论你是否信教
If you live in this culture, whether you’re religious or not,
要避免相信美德与成功休戚相关
It is extremely difficult to avoid falling into the trap of believing
简直困难重重
that virtue and success go hand in hand.
我越是正视我的诊断 我就越清楚地意识到
The more I stare down my diagnosis, the more I recognized
我对好人有好福的说法有着难以言说的解释
that I had my own quiet version of the idea that good things happen to good people.
难道我不好吗？我不特别吗？
Aren’t I good? Aren’t I special, somehow?
我从来没有杀过人
I have committed zero homicides to date.
[笑]
[Laugh]
所以 为什么事情会发生在我身上？
So why is this happening to me?
我曾希望上帝让我一切安好
I wanted God to make me good
并在过程中用一些金闪闪的奖励犒劳我的信仰
and to reward my faith with just a few shining awards along the way.
好吧 很多金灿灿的奖励
Ok, like a lot of shining awards.
我以为自己会长寿 也以为苦难只不过是生活上的绕道
I believe that hardships were only detours on what I was certain would be my long long life.
虽然很多人有着这种心态 但它帮了我很多
As this is the case of many of us, it’s a mindset that served me well.
成功福音驱使我去实现梦想 心怀远大 并抛却恐惧
The gospel of success drove me to achieve, to dream big, to abandon fear.
一直都是这种心态在助益于我 直到它失去效力
It was the mindset that served me well until it didn’t,
直到我不得不面对自己都束手无策的事情
until I was confronted with something I couldn’t manage my way out of,
直到我发现自己对着电话说：“但 我还有个儿子”
until I found myself saying into the phone, “But I have a son.”
因为那是我唯一想要说的
because it was all I could think of to say.
那通电话 那段走去医院的路
That was the most difficult moment to accept,
当我意识到我自己坚信的繁荣福音辜负了我时
the phone call, the walk to the hospital,
那是我难以承受的最艰难的时刻
when I realized that my own personal prosperity gospel had failed me.
我所认为的自己的好和特别之处挽救不了我
Anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me,
我的努力 个性 我的幽默 我的观点
my hardwork, my personality, my humor, my perspective.
我不得不面对这个事实 就是 我的生命脆弱不堪
I had to face the fact that my life is built with paper walls.
其他每个人的生命也如此
And so is everyone else’s.
这个想法的确让人难以接受
It is a hard thought to accept that
就是 我们随时都会被麻烦光顾
we are all a breath away from a problem that
而这个麻烦可以毁灭那些无法替代的人或物
that could destroy something irreplaceable
也可以彻底改变我们的生活
or alter our lives completely.
我们都知道 生活中有以前和以后
We know that in life there are befores and afters.
我总是被要求说 我永远不想回到过去
I am asked all the time to say that I would never go back
或者说 我的观点变得更广了
or that I’ve gained so much in perspective.
我告诉他们 不是 以前更好
And I tell them no. Before was better.
在我生病后的几个月之后 我把这些写了下来
A few months after I got sick, I wrote about this
然后寄给了《纽约时报》的一个编辑
and then I sent it off to an editor at New York Times.
现在回想 把你生命中最脆弱的某一时刻写成专栏
In retrospect, taking one of the most vulnerable moments of your life and turning it into an op-ed
不是个能让你坚强起来的妙计
is not an amazing way to feel less vulnerable.
随后 我收到了几千封信和电子邮件
I got thousands of letters and emails.
我现在还会每天都收到来信
I still get them every day.
我想是因为我问到的那些问题
I think it is because of the questions I asked.
我问：“面对无缘无故的坏事当头 你怎么生活？”
I asked, “How do you live without quite so many reasons for the bad things that happen?”
我问：“如果不去粗暴地解释人们的’罪有应得‘
I asked, “Would it be better to live without outrageous formulas
是不是会活得更容易些？”
for why people deserve what they get?”
当然 可笑又可恶的是
And what was so funny and so terrible was, of course
我还以为我要求人们
I thought I ask people to simmer down
不要迫切地为过去发生的坏事找个解释
on needing an explanation for the bad things that happened.
所以 这几千位读者做了什么呢？
So what did the thousands of readers do?
是的！他们回信是为了极力声明
Yeah! They wrote to defend the idea that
我的遭遇一定是有原因的
there had to be a reason for what happened to me.
他们还特别想让我去理解这个原因
And they really want me to understand the reason.
人们要我安慰他们
People want me to reassure them
说我得癌症完全是计划的一部分
that my cancer is all part of a plan.
一些信甚至暗示 我的癌症是上帝的计划
A few letters even suggested it was God’s plan that I get cancer
这样的话 我可以通过书写我的癌症去帮助别人
so I can help people by writing about it.
人们确信 这是对我人格的考验
People are certain it is a test of my character
或者是我罪孽深重的证明
or proof of something terrible I’ve done.
他们希望我 深信不疑地认识一点
They want me to know, without a doubt
这种表面的混乱 实则暗含逻辑
that there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos.
他们在我还在住院的时候告诉我丈夫
They tell my husband, while I’m still in the hospital,
事出必有因
that everything happens for a reason.
他说 “我倒想听听我妻子为什么不久于人世”
And then stammer awkwardly when he says, “I’d love to hear it.
这让他们尴尬地结巴了起来
I’d love to hear the reason my wife is dying.”
我理解 我们都想要个理由
And I get it. We all want reasons.
我们想要一些规则 从而预知我们的努力是否会有收获
We want formulas to predict whether our hardwork will pay off,
我们的爱和支持是否能保证爱人永远开心 孩子永远爱我们
whether our love and support will always make our partners happy and our kids love us.
我们希望活在一个这样的世界里
We want to live in a world in which not one ounce of our hardwork
在这里 我们每一寸付出 疼痛 或我们最深的期望都不会落空
or our pain or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.
我们想生活在一个永远不会失去的世界里
We wanna live in a world in which nothing is lost.
但是 活在有四期癌症的日子里 我学习到了一点
But what I have learned, in living with stage-four cancer
我生命的长度和我努力的程度之间没什么必然联系
is that there is no easy correlation between how hard I try and the length of my life.
我在过去三年所经历的痛苦和创伤
In the last three years, I’ve experienced more pain and trauma
超出了我以为的承受能力
than I ever thought I could survive.
前几天我意识到 我做了这么多腹部手术
I realized the other day that I’ve had so many abdominal surgeries
我现在戴着我的第五个肚脐
that I’m on my fifth belly button.
最后这个是我最不喜欢的
And this last one is my least favorite.
[笑]
[Laugh]
但与此同时 我也经历了爱 如此多的爱
But at the same time, I have experienced love, so much love,
是那种我难以言表的爱
love I find hard to explain.
前几天 我在读濒死体验研究基金会的调查结果
The other day, I was reading the findings of the Near Death Experience Research Foundation,
是的 是有这种组织存在
and yes, there is such a thing.
人们在接受采访时
People were interviewed about
讲述了他们与死神擦肩而过时的各种境遇
their brushes with death and all kinds of circumstances,
车祸 分娩 自杀
car accidence, labor in delivery, suicides.
很多人都提到了同样的一件怪事 爱！
And many reported the same odd thing, love!
它让我联想起了某个切身经历
I’m sure I would have ignored it
要不是这样 我肯定会把它忽略掉
if it hadn’t reminded me of something I’d experienced.
告诉别人这种切身经历会让我觉得不自在
Something I felt uncomfortable telling anyone
就是 当我确定自己要不久于人世时
that when I was sure that I was going to die,
我没有感觉到愤怒
I didn’t feel angry.
我感觉到了 爱！
I felt loved!
这是我经历过的最离奇的一件事
It was one of the most surreal things I’ve experienced.
在那段我本应该感觉被上帝遗弃的日子里
In a time in which I should have felt abandoned by God,
我并没有被化为灰烬 我像是在漂浮
I was not reduced to ashes. I felt like I was floating,
很多人像工蜂一样围着我 爱着我 为我祈祷
floating on the love and prayers of all those
让我感觉漂浮起来了
who hummed around me like worker bees,
他们给我写信 也给了我袜子 鲜花
bringing me notes and socks and flowers
和绣着激励话语的被子
and quilts embroidered with words of encouragement.
但 当他们在我身边坐下 握起我的手时
But when they sat beside me, my hand in their hands,
我的切身遭遇好像让我感受到了别人的痛苦
my own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me the suffering of others.
我开始进入一个世界 这个世界里的人跟我一样
I was entering a world of people just like me,
本应属于他们的梦想
people stumbling around in the debris of dreams
还有他们在不知不觉中定下的计划
they thought they were entitled to,
如今都已支离破碎
and plans they didn’t realize they had made.
我和他们同病相怜了起来
It was a feeling of being more connected,
这让我们的关系变得更密切了
somehow with other people experiencing the same situation.
这种感觉伴随了我几个月之久
And that feeling stayed with me for months.
实际上 我如此习惯于这种感觉
In fact, I’d grown so accustomed to it
以至于一想到失去它 我就开始恐慌
that I started to panic at the prospect of losing it.
所以我开始问 问朋友 神学家 历史学家和我喜欢过的修女
So I began to ask friends, theologians, historians, nuns I liked,
说 “那种爱的感觉消失后 我该怎么办？”
“What am I gonna do when that loving feeling is gone?”
他们完全知道我在说什么
And they know exactly what I was talking about,
因为 他们要么亲身经历过
because they either experienced themselves
要么曾在基督教神学的重要文献中读到过
or they read about it in great works of Christian theology.
他们说 “是的 会消失 这些感觉会消失
And they said, “Yeah, it’ll go, the feelings will go.
也不存在一种规则可以使它重现
And there will be no formula for how to get it back.”
但他们给了我一个承诺 而我紧紧抓住了它
But they offered me this little piece of reassurance and I clung to it.
他们说 “爱如潮水般消退 有如燕过留痕“
They said, “When the feelings recede like the tides, they will leave an imprint.”
的确如此！
And they do!
这不是为了证明什么
And it is not proof of anything!
也没什么可吹嘘的 它仅仅是份礼物
And it’s nothing to boast about. It was just a gift.
我不可能用什么五步计划回复那几千封电邮
So I can’t respond to the thousands of emails I get
教他们怎样获取健康 产生飘飘然的感觉
with my own five-step plan to divine health and magical floating feelings.
我意识到 既奇妙又糟糕 既美好又悲惨的事件
I see that the world is jolted by events that are wonderful and terrible,
会让世人震惊
gorgeous and tragic.
我无法调解这个矛盾
I can’t reconcile the contradiction.
我只能开始慢慢相信 这些相对面无法抵消彼此
Except that I’m beginning to believe that these opposites do not cancel each other out.
生命是如此美妙 生命如此艰难！
Life is so beautiful and life is so hard!
[吸鼻子]
[Sniff]
目前 我状况良好
Today, I am doing quite well!
免疫疗法的药物好像在起作用
The immunotherapy drugs appear to be working
我们现在一边扫描 一边拭目以待着
and we are watching and waiting with scans.
我希望我可以活很久
I hope I will live a long time!
久到可以让我儿子出丑
I hope I will live long enough to embarrass my son
看着我的丈夫掉光他漂亮的头发
and to watch my husband lose his beautiful hair.
我想这是有可能的
And I think I might!
但是 我在学着不计代价地去爱去活
But I am learning to live and to love without counting the cost,
也不去寻找人生不会有任何损失的理由和保证
without reasons and assurances that nothing will be lost.
生活将会伤碎你的心！
Life will break your heart!
生活也可能让你一无所有 并夺走你的一切期许
And life may take everything you have and everything you hope for.
但是 我还是相信某一种繁荣福音
But there is one kind of prosperity gospel that I believe in.
我相信 即使在最黑暗无助的时刻
I believe that in the darkness, even there,
仍会有美好 会有爱
there will be beauty and there will be love.
而且你时不时会感觉到你所拥有的绰绰有余
And, every now and then, it will feel like more than enough!
谢谢！
Thank you!
[掌声]
[Applause]